Macaw Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 So guys and gals, forgive me for creating this thread on April fools. It's not a troll post. I tried to find the old "Unrealistic expectations from a first date", but it appears to be gone. Recently I've been in a bad streak of not getting second dates, and I know I'm at fault. But being a very inquisitive person myself, when I see a pattern I start studying it. I'd like to know more stories from others about what made you turn down a person for the second date after the first one, and just how good must the first date go, be to be "good enough" to keep you interested for the second date? My two biggest flaws are that I lack the spontainety and enthusiasm that I appear to have online or when I meet a woman while hanging out with my friends. I've just never been enthusiastic about first dates - the whole process feels very unnatural - I feel like we're both trying to sell ourselves to each other, while at the same time making it appear that it isn't the case and we're just being "ourselves". I've had relationships (nearly 6 years if you put all of them together) before, so I'm not clueless or nervous around women. But since all of them started from casual friendships, I believe I lack the skills to handle the pressure/awkwardness on first dates with women I barely know about properly. Hearing other stories would help me improve in that direction.
zengirl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Good first dates don't feel like a sales pitch. Maybe you actually haven't met anyone who is compatible enough for a 2nd date to be really worth it if that's how the 1st dates are feeling. However, if you think it's your internal attitude that's making them feel like a sales pitch, change that. I approach a first date as a chance to get to know someone new (no interest in "selling" myself) and explore who they are. My goal is to figure out if I want a 2nd date, if I have fun, etc. I think that puts one in a better place than trying to focus on whether the other person wants a 2nd date, had fun, etc I also tend to greet new people as though they're old friends (with a good amount of warmth and enthusiasm) but I think that works better for women on first dates than men, as women tend to be more reticient towards overly familiar men than men are towards familiar women. I never say things like "Nice to meet you" --- rather I start off, as though we are picking up mid-conversation. To me, this makes things more natural. As far as how "good" a 1st date has to be to get a 2nd, I have to: (a) Want to kiss the guy/be physically attracted (b) Have fun, enjoy talking with him © Feel respected and safe spending time with him Not exactly a ginormous list. I'd say (b) is the rarest for me (mostly because even if you meet online, at least SOME of (a) is already partially determined) because I often find people incompatible with me on a mental level. I expect the conversation to flow the same way it would with my friends, and I've had enough 1st dates where the conversation flowed perfectly, it was an instant connection on that level even though we were nervous, and we chatted for ages, so I guess that's what I look for now because I know it's out there. I won't date a guy and lead him on if I don't see long-term potential. I used to go on "test" 2nd dates ('Ah, maybe I like this guy and I just don't know it yet? He's good on paper') but I don't now, so a 1st date would have to go rather well, I'd say.
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