Do you now share your deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with your spouse?

[TMCM]

My question goes out to both BS and WS who are in recovery or have rebuilt their marriage after an affair.

 

Is your spouse now the person you talk to about your deepest and darkest thougts and feelings?

[SidLyon]

My question goes out to both BS and WS who are in recovery or have rebuilt their marriage after an affair.

 

Is your spouse now the person you talk to about your deepest and darkest thougts and feelings?

 

Yes (10 characters required)

[Lorelei_Lane]

Yes.

 

My husband was my confidant before his affair, I told him everything. It took about a year for me to trust him again, but I did eventually.

 

I really tell him everything that's on my mind, even if he doesn't want to hear it (especially stuff about his affair and what I feel it's done). He listens patiently and responds if a response is necessary. I think he really understands that I need that, I need him to just listen, even if it hurts.

[Linda9999]

Pretty much. Although I do tend to dilute many of the negative feelings I have about what he did, just because he knows exactly how I feel and does a good job of being remorseful without me beating him up about it.

[TMCM]

Yes. My husband was my confidant before his affair, I told him everything...

 

Thank you Lorelei.

 

What I find interesting is how little trust exists between many couples. Case in point I've witnessed many spouses, H and W, who are afraid of expressing their innermost thoughts, feelings and desires for fear of being harshly judged and rejected by their spouse. And especially from WS before they started their affairs.

 

It's sad because a marriage without mutual trust, is a marriage devoid of true intimacy (the sharing of ones innermost thoughts, feelings and desires) and a marriage of strangers.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Yes, but it's harder to open up to her lest what I say is used against me or reported to a friend, etc. Not that that's necessarily what's happening, but it has in the past.

[What_Next]

No I don't. It would be so nice to come here and say I do, but I don't. I don't believe she does either. I personally am not at a point yet where I can trust her enough to tell her those things. We've had significant issues with her using what I say against me. On my side I am a terrible listener and I don't do a good enough job making her feel safe. We are trying, but the progress is slow.

[TMCM]

Yes, but it's harder to open up to her lest what I say is used against me or reported to a friend, etc. Not that that's necessarily what's happening, but it has in the past.

 

Yes but you know it's the right thing to do for you, your spouse and your marriage. As I said in another thread, once the head makes a wise decision, the heart MUST BE dragged kicking and screaming like a bratty 3 year old toddler until it sucumbs to reason.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Thank you Lorelei.

 

What I find interesting is how little trust exists between many couples. Case in point I've witnessed many spouses, H and W, who are afraid of expressing their innermost thoughts, feelings and desires for fear of being harshly judged and rejected by their spouse. And especially from WS before they started their affairs.

 

It's sad because a marriage without mutual trust, is a marriage devoid of true intimacy (the sharing of ones innermost thoughts, feelings and desires) and a marriage of strangers.

 

You know, you have a good point. I never kept anything from my husband before the affair. I usually don't have a filter with him, if I think it, I say it. He was the same, the only thing he ever withheld from me was his emotional affair. It only lasted a month and the guilt was eating him alive. I noticed his changes, and that's how I found out.

 

I think it says a lot that I was able to tell something wasn't quite right. I wasn't completely broadsided with my husband's affair. He and I know each other so well that within a couple of weeks of his affair starting, I knew something was up. It did take me about a year to fully trust him again, I kept a lot of things to myself, but I have since told him everything. My plans to leave him, what I was scared of, etc.

 

I don't see the point of not trusting the person you're married to if you want the marriage to last. I trust this man with my life, he may have done a stupid stupid STUPID thing in the past, but he has never let me down otherwise.

[silktricks]

Yes. Confidence of his acceptance of all of me has finally enabled me to do this with him again.

 

It's funny (sad, really, not funny at all) but what first attracted me to him was that I could share literally everything with him. Then with time and various battles, I slowly stopped doing so - and he did as well. That was the root of our problems. We stopped being each others best friends and confidants, and instead became something less.

 

The affair forced us to re-examine where we were and what we really wanted. It took a very long time for me to accept that he really would listen and try to understand my thoughts and I'm certain the same applies to him. Once in awhile I catch myself "protecting" him from something I'm thinking, but as soon as I realize what I'm doing I turn it around and start the conversation of difficulties.....

[TMCM]

It's funny (sad, really, not funny at all) but what first attracted me to him was that I could share literally everything with him. Then with time and various battles, I slowly stopped doing so - and he did as well. That was the root of our problems. We stopped being each others best friends and confidants, and instead became something less.

 

Your comments remind me of the old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'.

 

The lack of empathy between many couples is beyond beleif. Instead of being kind, considerate and understanding towards each other, they will resort to petty power struggles which in the end will only serve to destroy their marriages. No wonder they become familiar strangers.

Edited April 2, 2011 by TMCM
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[2long]

Nope.

 

Our marriage these days is more one of business partners for our family's trust (we've been married for more than 35 years).

 

We do have a good friendship, but I'm losing interest in the physical intimacy because of my wife's choices over the 9 years since I discovered her VLTA.

 

My wife is one of the best liars I know. Given the chance 2 assure me she's not in contact with Rat Meat, she's always defended her choice 2 keep working with him, however sparsely and remotely, on their mu2ual research topic. And she's always exploded when I confronted her about the fact that she hides the communication, rather than assuring me that there's nothing "going on", by being candid about it. Last confrontation was about 2 years ago, and there's about 2 be another one.

 

From what I can tell, there really is nothing going on, and hasn't been for at least a few years now. But the continued secrecy prevents me from trusting her.

 

I don't talk 2 her about my posts here or on marriageadvocates (I no longer post 2 MB, and she knows that). She's not interested (she's said so) and I consider the "peer counseling" that I get from discussion forums a private, personal area 2 help me grow from my experiences (and try 2 help others when appropriate), like coaching or individual counseling.

 

-ol' 2long

[Snowflower]

My question goes out to both BS and WS who are in recovery or have rebuilt their marriage after an affair.

 

Is your spouse now the person you talk to about your deepest and darkest thougts and feelings?

 

Good question and YES!

 

Another poster summed it up pretty well on this thread but I have always felt that my H and I had a pretty solid marriage before, during and have really realized it after the A. We were always good partners, co-parents, etc. before the A. I would have thought we were invincible. I thought we had good communication skills but sadly, it took the shock of the A to realize that our communication skills-especially those about thoughts and feelings-well, those skills were lacking for us.

 

After we reconciled, H and I talked and talked and talked about what we felt. In that respect, the crisis really helped us because we learned how to communicate (MC also helped us with that). If something painful is bothering one of us, we now speak up about it rather than glossing over it or pretending it doesn't exist or worst of all, stewing silently about it.

 

So yeah, I feel very safe sharing the important stuff with my H.