Winston Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'll start off by saying that I was the cheating party in the marriage. About 11 months ago she caught me. It was a fantasy life through email and than inappropriate massages. This was through most of our 9 year marriage. I have a problem, I am a sex addict. That is not an excuse or valid reason, it is simply a statement. We are still living together, she stayed because of the kids. I know she still loves me, but hasn't made any steps towards forgiveness. I have been seeing counselors and going to a weekly group meeting and can honestly say I am better. I no longer have the fantasies through email and haven't gotten any massages at all. I am not saying that was easy, but with a big enough shock (like I got) change is required. I am not writing for any of that though, that is just as background. I am writing for romantic advise. She has told me this before and told me again today, I am not doing enough to win her back. She said I haven't given her a flower each day, or left notes for her, or anything. I am not good at romance (I am an engineer, we are good with numbers). I do love her with all my heart, so I am looking for help. What can I do to show her my love? She says I haven't done enough, and she is right. Part of the cheaters mindset, we want it to go away and move on. But I know we can't. I am fully committed to winning her back, just not sure how. And I know that the inclination would be to respond with advise about being open, gaining her trust back, obviously being faithful, etc. And I am trying to do that. What I need help with in the other gestures that show my love and devotion. The little things I should have been doing all along any way.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 She said I haven't given her a flower each day, or left notes for her, or anything. I am not good at romance so you're not good at it - BUT she is telling you exactly what she wants YOU to DO. so do it! what's so hard about thinking of her? IF you love her - you will do what you don't want to do... but you do these things knowing it makes HER happy! What can I do to show her my love? do what she prompts you to do. she has told you- now DO them! do them often. write her a note and leave it for her. do kind and loving gestures. bring her a morning drink. get her flowers every week. make dinner for her. do the dishes when she least expects it. take her car and gas it up or get it washed. go to the market so she doesn't have to. buy her perfume a few times a year... or even a new outfit you pick out for her. take a walk with her - hold her hand! kiss her when you don't expect sex. you should be getting the idea now. What I need help with in the other gestures that show my love and devotion. The little things I should have been doing all along any way. so now you know - as i have given you some ideas... can you DO these things? can you choose at least one each day? make them your new HABIT! are you willing? if you are then DO these things to bring CHANGE. participate in your marriage. she wants intimacy... an intimate relationship connects first in the mind... so start THINKING of her. when you converse LISTEN and PARTICIPATE in the conversation...
Emme Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Um... I'm just going to type whatever comes to mind... Speak to each other more (a simple how was your day conversation) Do things like make dinner for her alone or together Be more active in being a partner not leaving everything up to her Send the kids to grandma's house for a weekend and have a little weekend get away Go out on a mini date... Ice Cream or Coffee You'd be surprised how far doing household chores will get you.. doing the dishes, putting the seat down, just cleaning up after yourself. It shows you care. Um... You can do a whole spa thing for her. Run her a bath so she can relax even get her a basket of her favorite bath products. Don't forget the massage oil. Back massage, foot massage... whole body.. whatever works. Love notes still work. You can write her love letters especially telling her why she means the world to you or what made you fall in love with her. Gifts... It doesn't have to be expensive but it can have meaning. You saw something and you wanted her to have it. It reminded you of her. If she wants flowers everyday or week I am sure you can afford them. Cuddle... movie night just you and her...even with the kids but you and her close together as one... And if it's a girl flick you get extra points for sitting through it. I call it the slap and grab game... sneak up and start kissing or grabbing a body part. Slap the butt. Kiss ... nibble on her neck... Best done when he hands are busy with no kitchen knife in it. Play like you're back in school when you'd snap the bra of the girl you had a crush on. Spend as much time together as possible. You've spent enough time apart. Get to know her again. That's all I can come up with for now. If I think of anything else I'll post.
thatdog Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'd agree with the above two except for 2Sunny's initial comment. The problem with girls I find is that once they bring up something and ask why you haven't done it, doing that ting (bringing flowers etc) loses it's meaning cos 'you only did that because I told you to'. breakfast in bed sounds like a fan favorite and it isn't something she has asked for. Easter is coming up. try and find a fancy gourmet easter egg for her and leave it somewhere you know she will find it in the morning (before the kids do!) and leave a little note or flower with it. I think women really love the surprise factor of quirky little things like that a lot more your typical flowers at work.
thissecretgirl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 You don't have to make grand gestures or become a poet overnight. She just wants to feel like a desired, loved and valued woman. The other posters have given some great ideas and I see nothing wrong with following a few of her prompts either. I reckon even small things will make a huge difference, particularly if some of them are a little out of your comfort zone; because knowing you, she will appreciate them even more. Try sticking a note to the fridge or leaving it somewhere she can discover it. It doesnt have to be poetic. Just tell how much you love her or how lucky you are that she is in your life. Compliment her. I think a meal is always a great idea and personally one of the nicest things someone did for me was simply running me a bath, lighting some candles and bringing me a glass of wine whilst I soaked.
blueroses10 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'll start off by saying that I was the cheating party in the marriage. About 11 months ago she caught me. It was a fantasy life through email and than inappropriate massages. This was through most of our 9 year marriage. I have a problem, I am a sex addict. That is not an excuse or valid reason, it is simply a statement. We are still living together, she stayed because of the kids. I know she still loves me, but hasn't made any steps towards forgiveness. I have been seeing counselors and going to a weekly group meeting and can honestly say I am better. I no longer have the fantasies through email and haven't gotten any massages at all. I am not saying that was easy, but with a big enough shock (like I got) change is required. I am not writing for any of that though, that is just as background. I am writing for romantic advise. She has told me this before and told me again today, I am not doing enough to win her back. She said I haven't given her a flower each day, or left notes for her, or anything. I am not good at romance (I am an engineer, we are good with numbers). I do love her with all my heart, so I am looking for help. What can I do to show her my love? She says I haven't done enough, and she is right. Part of the cheaters mindset, we want it to go away and move on. But I know we can't. I am fully committed to winning her back, just not sure how. And I know that the inclination would be to respond with advise about being open, gaining her trust back, obviously being faithful, etc. And I am trying to do that. What I need help with in the other gestures that show my love and devotion. The little things I should have been doing all along any way. Follow the steps in the book, Fireproof.
2.50 a gallon Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) As an engineer you have the capability to think creatively, use this power and redirect it towards your relationship. Breakfast in bed was mentioned. In my former life as a player I had a fancy gold plated, smoked glass bed tray. When I induced a lady to spend the night, I would surprise her the next morning with breakfast in bed, quiche, flower, OJ, coffee. I got me lots of repeat performances. Can you cook? Learn some fancy romantic dishes. You mention kids. You do not mention ages. Become the world's greatest dad. Do you play with them? One of the things that women have enjoyed with me is when I let the little boy inside of me come out and play. By that I mean, at times find away to let the little kid out to play with your kids. If your daughter is young enough, do you play dolls with her once in awhile? Or how about getting a doll house kit and building it with her. Boys don't like dolls, so go with some trains, or models. Teach him how to build a model kit. Airplane, train, car, tank, whatever. Think creative. Back to breakfast. Cook some hot cereal, and instead of using sugar to sweeten it, use colored cookie sprinkles. Add a bunch of red sprinkles, let them melt and stir it up to make your oatmeal pink, or blue, let the liitle kid and your kids enjoy it. Regular milk added cereal, instead of milk use vanilla ice cream and add some fresh strawberries. Let the ice cream melt into soup and stir it up. How about taking her on a picnic? Check you local Goodwill store for cheap picnic baskets. I found one a couple of months ago for $1. We have already gone on two picnics. Yesterday we relaxed in a park took a walk holding hands to feed the ducks. That got me more than one "I Love You's" Listen to what she has to say. I mean really listen. Ask her how her day was, and listen. She has mentioned flowers. Instead of buying her some cut flowers, twist it and buy her some planting flowers. Yesterday on the way home from the park, I introduced her to a nursery she had never visited. We bought several dollars worth of flowers, and the rest of the afternoon was spent planting flowers. More spontaneous, hugs, kisses and "ILY's" How about back rubs and feet massages. Decades ago I purchased a book titled "The Sensous Massage" O yeah! Edited April 1, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon
Linda9999 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 There's a book called The Five Love Languages that might help you. Learn your wifes love language and then speak it! One thing my husband did for me that has helped tremendously was to write me a letter in which he apologized profusely for what he did, told me how much he loves me, how badly he wants to work things out, and promised to remain faithful forever. He talked about our wedding day and how he felt watching me walk down the aisle. I keep that letter with me and read it whenever I am feeling down about what he did, or when I am triggered by something. Another thing he has done was to plan romantic weekend getaways for us once a month or so. Our kids are older, so we leave them at home and hole up in the mountains every few weeks for 2 or 3 nights. While we're there he can concentrate entirely on me and do special things that can't happen at home ;) The little things that everyone has mentioned are all wonderful ideas.
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Imagine you have just met her and fallen madly in love with her and want to marry her? What types of things would you be doing? Calling, texting ILYs, flowers, cards, random acts of kindness and service, spontaneous thoughtful gifts, dates YOU planned, surprises, etc. Asking her opinions, giving her your undivided attention, telling her how beautiful she is.... When women fall in love with a man, they hope these courting gestures never end.
PhoenixRise Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 First, Absolutely do what she asked you to do. She is making it easy. She is telling you what would make her happy. Don't ignore it. If you don't know how to be romantic with your wife it is because you are not paying attention to her as a person. Does she like wine? Take her to a wine tasting. Does she like to read? Read the book she is reading so you can talk about it. Does she like old moves? Plan an old movie night. Does she like horses? Take her riding. Does she like to dance? Take her dancing. Does she like massages? Give her one or send her to a spa. What is her favorite flower? Buy them for her. Does she like art? Take her to a gallery. Real romance that will actually be meaningful to her will affirm who she is as a person. It will show that you know her and that you respect her. Pay attention to what she likes and then DO THAT.
Owl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, look at their free material, and look for their emotional needs questionairre. DO NOT GO ON THE FORUMS...you'll get eaten alive. But ask your wife to take the questionaire, to help you sort out exactly what her "love language" is, so that you can better understand what it is that you can do to make her feel move loved.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, look at their free material, and look for their emotional needs questionairre. DO NOT GO ON THE FORUMS...you'll get eaten alive. But ask your wife to take the questionaire, to help you sort out exactly what her "love language" is, so that you can better understand what it is that you can do to make her feel move loved. Owl, his wife has expressed some of what her preferences are... but the OP is not DOING the things she requested... have him read your tag line... DO what she has asked! otherwise - there may not be a marriage.
Memphis Raines Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I do love her with all my heart, so I am looking for help. you love her? maybe you do, but you can dispense with the "all of my heart stuff", because obviously that isn't true if you cheated on her. What can I do to show her my love? affection and attention. whether she responds is up to her. She says I haven't done enough, and she is right. and for someone that has cheated, depending on the mindset of the betrayed party, nothing you do may ever be enough. all you can do is try. Part of the cheaters mindset, we want it to go away and move on. and as an x-BS, I can tell you that aint gonna fly. I am fully committed to winning her back, just not sure how. again, affection and attention is a start. being an open book is a necessity as well. (I know that has nothing to do with romance, but all the romance in the world won't help if she is still suspicious) And I know that the inclination would be to respond with advise about being open, gaining her trust back, obviously being faithful, etc. And I am trying to do that. What I need help with in the other gestures that show my love and devotion. The little things I should have been doing all along any way. ask yourself this, if the tables were turned, and you had visions in your head that will never go away of your wife riding another man and enjoying it immensley, what would it take for her to win YOU back?
Memphis Raines Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 and although I really don't like giving cheaters advise, here is one. Try a romantic weekend getaway. Preferably one with a spa
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