Contradicting ex boyfriend!

[summermemories]

It was my first relationship, and I'm sure we all remember those ones the longest. My ex-boyfriend has such a complex-personality that he even admits no one really understands him. Throughout our relationship, I learned more about him in depth, but not enough to understand his behavior and especially his REASONING at times. He is very indecisive and blames it on his zodiac sign as a Libra. Apparently it has an influence. Who knows. We were about 8 months through our long distance relationship. They're the toughest to keep alive, yes. But we discussed engagement plans and we were very serious about one another. He emotionally cheated on me and didn't tell me until last minute. His excuse is: "Feelings change. Things change. I can't be with you when I have feelings for someone else too. I just can't live with that. I know you forgive me but I can't forgive myself." It was my first breakup so of course my heart did the thinking instead of my brain. I was insane and kept calling and begging him. Everything I should NOT do, I did. I guess that pushed him away because just two days later, he established a relationship with the acquaintance whom he's flirted with for over a week.

 

I know I deserve someone who has respect and honesty. But I keep replaying our phone conversation the night of the breakup. I asked him "WHO are you more emotionally and physically attracted to?" He says "You". I don't see the point of him lying because he had already broken up. We were talking calmly and as civil people, just to get a better understanding, which of course was all my suggestion. I do believe he meant that. And as I've read other posts, people leave their partner because of LOSS OF ATTRACTION. Yet he still admitted he was attracted to me MORE than the acquaintance. Makes NO SENSE!

 

We have mutual friends and many of them tell me about their conversations with him. His constant excuse is "Feelings change". I just can't comprehend how he discussed proposing to me with his mom just a month prior to all of this happening...it's so bizarre. Not too long ago, another friend of ours spoke to him and he has a different excuse this time saying "Distance played a major role in my decision".

 

I've gone into NC for over a month already. He said goodbye via text and I had the last words, telling him how unbelievable it was that he could establish a relationship right after ours, and that he even gone to the extent of planning to say his vows to me someday. What worthless words.

 

Temptation got the best of me, and I visited his blog a week after our breakup. It SCARED ME to read "I love you more than you will ever know." Except my name was replaced by the acquaintance...It's one of those lines you've heard a million times and now he says it to someone else. I didn't know if it was considered a rebound but my friends pointed out that it was the REASON why he left me, so I suppose its GIGS?

 

Can someone please help me sort this out? I think as dumpees, the more we hear from others, the more we feel better as we understand and gain different perspectives. Thank you to you all in advance!

Edited April 1, 2011 by summermemories

[Kelemort]

I know it's tough to avoid wanting to get information on your ex. And that's the downside. For a year after I dumped my ex (and yes, I did the dumping), I still checked in on him from time to time. But eventually I realized it just brewed negative feelings in me and it was time to ultimately not care about him anymore.

 

Keep up not talking to him. My ex-boyfriend treated me terribly, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him when I dumped him. I tried to go the 'friendly' route for the next few weeks and slowly phase him out of my life. He never wanted to hear the reasons for the break-up - he was more concerned about keeping gifts from the relationship (because I had given him some PRICY crap, whereas I had lame stuffed animals I gave to my cousin).

 

Less than a week after the break-up he was flirting visibly with a co-worker. Less than 3 weeks later, he was going out with her. I worked at our college campus at the time in a copying center that looked out over the school's cafeteria. He made a point of bringing her there 2 - 3 months after our break-up and making out in front of me while I was working. I moved my seat to avoid having to see it. And you know what he did? He ACTUALLY got up and moved to a different seat to make sure I could see it. I didn't want him back, but I think he was hoping for that.

 

Don't ask why he moved on. Does the new girl live near him? That could be it. A long-distance relationship is tough, especially for your first go-around. If the relationship isn't soon going to be close-distance or if it doesn't start out being close-distance, honestly there's really no sense in pursuing it unless you just want to have some non-committed fun, because that's about all it's going to end up being.

 

This isn't a reflection on you, but it is a reflection of your boyfriend's quick-changing moods and feelings. Don't worry. Give it a few months and I'm sure he'll be saying "I love you" 2 days into the relationship to yet another girl.

 

You will find better - and this is coming from somebody who has sort of been there, done that. And you will be better off for it.

[summermemories]

@Kelemort:

 

Thanks for your time you put in your thoughtful response!

 

I thought it was interesting how even as a dumper, you still checked on your ex from time to time. I mean you mentioned he treated you terribly, I'd imagine it being easy to get over him...

 

I find it so immature and unnecessary how a lot of people "rub it" in your face. Despite you being a dumper, and I being a dumpee, it's just STUPID to PURPOSELY make your EX jealous. You know what he did shortly after the breakup? He changed his default Facebook picture of him and the OP posing EXACTLY how he and I did just a week prior to that. It's almost identical, except the OP replaced me in the picture. Thankfully I deleted him just a few days after the breakup and upon finding out, he immediately texts me and said he supposes that was my way of ending our attempt at a friendship. He seemed thrilled to send that goodbye text.

 

As for long distance, I couldn't agree with you more on that. It didn't start out being close-distance, but we made sure to have monthly visits. After the last visit, he discussed with his mom about getting me a ring. He seemed like the MOST genuine and loving guy. And BAM! Just within 2 weeks of flirting, I was dumped for an acquaintance and he said he doesn't mean to sound harsh, but his feelings for me just DIED after he developed new feelings. His exact words? "After flirting, I realized I didn't CARE about you like I THOUGHT I did". So to sum up, a month before the breakup he had serious discussions with his mom and he wanted to be with me FOREVER. Just a few weeks after and he makes a decision to get rid of me for good....Talk about crazy....

 

I try to be open minded and really look at things from HIS perspective as well. It's not always fair to project negative thoughts and assumptions about the other party. I'm glad he ended things so it wouldn't hurt me even more later on. He said that was his motive. But it's kinda...scary how he took preventive measure like that. Almost like a serial killer warning everyone to leave the house before he kills someone. In this case, my ex said he wanted to end it before he actually ends up cheating on me which I guess is a good thing, but the time we spent together, I would have thought it would earn his honesty and respect to let me know his feelings as soon as he acknowledged them...The breakup itself isn't mainly why I feel so devastated. It's the fact that I was convinced that everything seemed to be heading into tying the knot, and suddenly someone else replaces me...after one weekend. So bizarre...

Edited April 2, 2011 by summermemories