lightoftruth83 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Just a short post...cuz I think, no matter what situation you're in, sometimes the pain can be overwhelming...And sometimes, even after there's a "resolution" I've found myself somehow a little lost with less pain in my life... Feel free to post an idea or two that helped you get through your situation!
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Two things helped me quite a bit... 1). Prayer 2). Forgiving myself and living the amazing life I've been given...it won't top the America's Top Ten Funnest Things To Do list, but cleaning my own house, walking the dogs, taking a long hot bath, sipping a glass of wine, or dancing around the house to my favorite tunes...just feeds my soul a little bit
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 My kids My friends My family LS Remembering the amazing times I had BEFORE I met my W and remembering how happy, confident, care-free and fun I was before this all started and knowing that I WILL have that all back, soon enough. Knowing that this is a TEMPORARY situation. Exercise and hobbies.
What_Next Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Timely post. Despite my marriage starting to slowly recover after what could only be described as my own personal hell for over a year, I have been feeling so down lately I find it hard to crawl out of bed. I need those ideas as well....
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I have been feeling so down lately I find it hard to crawl out of bed. WN, sorry to hear that. You've been focusing a LOT of energy into your relationship and family, are you doing anything for yourself or doing anything to give you and your W time to enjoy things? What do you think is causing the depression?
What_Next Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Debtman you might be on to something there. I work long hours (80 plus hours a week plus on call 50% of the time). I rarely set aside time for myself. In fact there is little to nothing that I do for me. Heck it's probably been a year since I've even bought myself a single thing. I go to work each day and support my family, that's about all I do. Time for my W and I, well we are spending more time together each day, but she is now laid off so financially there won't be any "date" nights or anything else that costs money for a while.
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I rarely set aside time for myself. You know how unhealthy that is for you and your relationship...I'm sure your W does as well. You've got to try to MAKE some time for yourself. I know, easier said than done, especially with the pressures of work, family, relationship, etc. but, if you don't make time for yourself, no one else will. financially there won't be any "date" nights or anything else that costs money for a while. There are a TON of things you can do that don't cost anything. Some good ideas here: http://www.coolestdates.com/inexpensive_dates%5B30-39%5D.htm Good luck and keep posting (that helps me)...
What_Next Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Thanks debtman. Ironically I do work less now than I used to. I spent 9 years at my previous job and I worked usually about 16 hrs per day, 6 days per week. I work less now, but still being on call is tough, but it is what it is. There are some interesting ideas on that link for sure. I'm not sure I'm ready to spend that much time with her just yet. We are getting there, but there's a LONG way to go. Just a down week that's all, it'll get better.
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Just a down week that's all, it'll get better. Absolutely! It always does and that's the thing to focus on. I mean, c'mon, one more post and you hit 1000!
What_Next Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Absolutely! It always does and that's the thing to focus on. I mean, c'mon, one more post and you hit 1000! Since you brought it up
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Since you brought it up WOOHOO!! There's something to celebrate! Think of all the people you've helped (including me) and all the good advice and perspective you've put out there... Thanks and get happy!! Life's too short to be down.
hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I am desperately trying to keep my wife from leaving me after the kids are out of school in June. A week ago she was dead set on leaving. Now, after many emails and long discussions, she MAY be thinking about working this out. We are going to start marriage counseling and independent counseling next week, However I am worried because she will be seeing a female psychiatrist who graduated college in 2005. I hope that's just my insecurities. Anyway, I want to do everything possible to save our marriage, but I know that I am overdoing alot of things. For instance, when we have a conversation, it will be going really well, and then I go and ruin it by throwing in an "I love you" or "I really want this to work out". She wants her space and she cannot focus on what she needs to do while I am doing this. I need advice on how to ease this pain of wanting to fix everything right this very minute!!! We've even had sex a few times, which I think probably makes it a ton worse!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 WOOHOO!! There's something to celebrate! Think of all the people you've helped (including me) and all the good advice and perspective you've put out there... Thanks and get happy!! Life's too short to be down. Debtman, you are always so positive, your wife must be mental to have left you, the stupid women doesn't know how lucky she was!
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 I am desperately trying to keep my wife from leaving me after the kids are out of school in June. A week ago she was dead set on leaving. Now, after many emails and long discussions, she MAY be thinking about working this out. We are going to start marriage counseling and independent counseling next week, However I am worried because she will be seeing a female psychiatrist who graduated college in 2005. I hope that's just my insecurities. Anyway, I want to do everything possible to save our marriage, but I know that I am overdoing alot of things. For instance, when we have a conversation, it will be going really well, and then I go and ruin it by throwing in an "I love you" or "I really want this to work out". She wants her space and she cannot focus on what she needs to do while I am doing this. I need advice on how to ease this pain of wanting to fix everything right this very minute!!! We've even had sex a few times, which I think probably makes it a ton worse!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hi Hamilton... Don't feel overlooked...sometimes throwing a post out there is hit or miss...I read over everyone's replies tonight...And my mind drifted back over the last 5 years of my own story. I'm young, 5 years seems like forever sometimes...I thought about all the things I'd survived, and all the things I did to try to make it work, and all the things I didn't know then, and that I don't know now lol...The pain is still very very real; somedays I don't feel like I "deserve" the peace that I've found. But the support and respect of my family keep me on the straight and narrow, perhaps this road is tougher in some ways than being married... Anyways...I know you want things to work out very badly. I know most of these days in all of their uncertainty are darn near killing you. Pray, if you know how...pray for her, pray for you, pray most importantly for the will of God...It's ok to tell her you love her, it's a sign that you have unconditional love, which is so so so important to a marriage. But yeah, try not to bug her about it all the time...let her talk about whatever, and enjoy listening! Don't worry about the counselor, one of the best I ever saw (there were 12 all total) was a recent female grad. Above all, look for a counselor who is fair, one who is impartial but will hold the bottom line (Example, if a fight breaks out in the office the counselor should be fair, but still point out where each of you were wrong, or could improve communication). During this time look out for you too! I gave in to sex on more than one occasion where it wasn't good / productive for the relationship...this will only damage you both in the long run--don't use each other! Hang in there, keep posting! Peace & Love J
hamiltonjm Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Thank you. It is another night of her not talking much. Very hard not to want to sit by her or try and hold her hand. I am pathetic.
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Thank you. It is another night of her not talking much. Very hard not to want to sit by her or try and hold her hand. I am pathetic. You're not pathetic. If wanting to hold your wife's hand makes you pathetic, then I am a textbook definition of a lunatic. Hell, I packed my stbx's bags AND bought him groceries when he "needed time away to think" even if, well nevermind... Something happened that brought you both to this point in your marriage. It didn't happen overnight, and it can't be fixed overnight. Work on you, cuz u can only fix you. One of 2 things will happen, she will start working on herself, or it will all fall apart...That's the way things go...get busy livin or get busy dying...Love either grows or it dies. Peace & Love J
hamiltonjm Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You're not pathetic. If wanting to hold your wife's hand makes you pathetic, then I am a textbook definition of a lunatic. Hell, I packed my stbx's bags AND bought him groceries when he "needed time away to think" even if, well nevermind... Something happened that brought you both to this point in your marriage. It didn't happen overnight, and it can't be fixed overnight. Work on you, cuz u can only fix you. One of 2 things will happen, she will start working on herself, or it will all fall apart...That's the way things go...get busy livin or get busy dying...Love either grows or it dies. Peace & Love J Not what I wanted to hear.
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Not what I wanted to hear. I didn't mean to sound callous about it...it's just that you can't MAKE her work on this. And it will go a long long way now and later on for you to work on you. It's just the unknown that is scary, the what if? For tonight, don't think about what if....just realize what is. Peace & Love J
hamiltonjm Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Tough to do but it is what I need to hear. Thank you...
trippi1432 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 IFor tonight, don't think about what if....just realize what is. Peace & Love J Wow!! Where did you come from?? Awesome post!! :o
Steadfast Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 A great and timely post lightoftruth. There are many, years into it, both reconciled and not that probably have felt this and not even realized. Like the chemicals that are released when one is going through an illicit affair, the mental/emotional wherewithal needed to deal with the pain from betrayal, guilt or loneliness takes a lot of energy. Once the situation is resolved (in one way or another) and things slowly settle, the (formerly overtaxed) heart and brain suddenly find themselves with lots of extra time. Just to be clear; is this what you're referring to? For the betrayed or left behind, feeling this may be a sign that it's time to start dating or become more socially active. For someone like you, who is working it out, perhaps the time has come to put aside the mistrust and fear. Maybe the time is right to revive the plans, goals or ambitions that were put on hold to deal with the crisis. Or something really simple, like a romantic getaway. In reality, what you're experiencing is just another part of the healing process. Apply the same logic to this as you did to the previous problems. You've already proven you have the ability...the only question is, do you have the energy?
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Like the chemicals that are released when one is going through an illicit affair, the mental/emotional wherewithal needed to deal with the pain from betrayal, guilt or loneliness takes a lot of energy. Once the situation is resolved (in one way or another) and things slowly settle, the (formerly overtaxed) heart and brain suddenly find themselves with lots of extra time. Just to be clear; is this what you're referring to? Steadfast~ this is exactly what I was referring to! During stressful or deeply emotional times the brain "imprints" as massive doses of oxytocin or adrenalin are released. It's similar to the way crack cocaine affects the body. A "super-high" (either of fear, anger, stress, or passion) is achieved, and the brain makes a deep mental note of the circumstances surrounding said high. When it's over, there's a withdrawal. And I think this is the point where people personally make it or break it (within themselves). They find ways to reproduce that high or they find something productive to do with themselves. I just wanted to be clear about one point, (maybe you could read Cupcakes & Tequila lol). WE ARE DONE. I spent over 4 years trying to work on a marriage that never should have happened. I gave it EVERYTHING I had, sometimes to a fault. It's just that in this post I didn't want to underline the fact that my marriage is over. I think for anyone who is trying to survive or rebuild as a couple it can be distracting to see other people's stories of inability to reconcile differences. But yeah, most definitely NOT working it out. Thanks for a great great post--you hit the nail on the head!! Peace & Love J
Steadfast Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 It wasn't that difficult to recognize...having gone through it myself. I'm sorry that you and your husband didn't make it, but I do understand. If I'm honest with myself, I don't think my ex and I would have either. After all that's said and done, she hasn't taken the steps needed to heal, resolve and move on. This, I've concluded, is because deep down she isn't in love with me, but it's all a guess on my part. She won't (or can't) communicate with me, which is a basic in any relationship. Speaking personally, I'm a little overwhelmed at the number of posts lately. No time to even read them all, let alone respond with anything useful. I have to pick a handful and hope for the best! This is a profound thread; a subject that has not been addressed often to my knowledge. Very good observation! Well done-
ridzdaniel Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 (edited) Life is full of adventure and does not end if you are divorced. Though divorce is painful but we need to move on and make life after divorce more happier than before. I am amazed to see some strong personalities here and how they surpass the greatest challenge of their lives. Here are my ways of forgetting the painful past: 1. Spend more time on your children. 2. Spend time on improving yourself. 3. Give more love to your children and to yourself. 4. Travel and see the beauty outside your comfort zone. 5. Make friends that has a good influence on you. I hope that helps! Edited April 3, 2011 by ridzdaniel
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