How to not be clingy/insecure at the beginning of a relationship?

[elaina]

Hello,

 

I confess. I had a clingy, insecure moment today. We're long distance and haven't met in person yet, but we are dating exclusively in that we have mutually agreed to get to know each other. I am going to meet him next month... he lives in a beautiful state with lots of sun and I am very happy to meet him and spend time at the beach!!!

 

Anyways, with my clingy, insecure moment, he seemed ok... I asked him an insecure question and he responded with no problem, though he told me he thought the question was weird. Now I'm worried that he thinks I'm clingy and insecure which I guess I am.

 

So, how do I not do this? What set about the insecurity is that he didn't reply to my text (I know I know) and so I was worried and I called him. He says he didn't get my text (and I believe him... he's very truthful.)

 

I am glad I called him cause now I know he wasn't just ignoring me. However, I wish I hadn't asked the insecure question and now I'm scared about what he thinks. How do I control this fear?

 

If you are a guy and a girl does this kind of thing to you, do you understand and think it's ok, or do you think this is a bad thing, or do you think she's mental or what do you think exactly?

 

Anyways, I'm planning not doing that again. He said he will call me tomorrow and he normally keeps his word, and I'm trying to chill a bit, but I just wish I didn't feel so fearful. Fearful actually hurts a relationship, right?

 

What is your advice for not freaking out and getting clingy/insecure like this? This is the first time (that I know of) that I have been like this with him.

[somedude81]

Uh, the fact that you are "exclusive" and haven't even met him yet might be a key issue.

 

Your insecurity might be a red flag. Time will tell.

[elaina]

Uh, the fact that you are "exclusive" and haven't even met him yet might be a key issue.

 

Your insecurity might be a red flag. Time will tell.

 

 

Yeah I can see that. I wouldn't go travel to meet him or invite him to meet me though without exclusivity. When I say exclusive, I mean we're not multi-dating or looking for anybody else while we're getting to know each other.

 

But yeah, maybe I am feeling insecure because we haven't met in person yet. Maybe I'm not just a freaking out girl.

[Eddie Edirol]

You cant control this fear with a long distance relationship. The only way to cure it is to date guys within your state.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i think meeting in person first would help ease the insecurity.

[johan]

It's pretty natural early on. You don't know what his signals are yet so you don't know how to interpret what's going on. Just keep it to yourself until you have more to go on. If it doesn't fix itself, mention what you've noticed to him, but keep it light. Bringing pressure and/or a lot of emotion to the discussion can lead to problems.

 

Relax. Don't worry.

[elaina]

You cant control this fear with a long distance relationship. The only way to cure it is to date guys within your state.

 

Makes sense.

 

I am feeling a little better now. I feel so bad though because I always tell my girl friends to not freak out and to NEVER ask a guy at the beginning of a relationship an insecure question, and I just did.

 

Yes you're right it's better to date guys near where I live... but I like guys in another state... (no offense at all to guys in my state) yeah I know I should move.

[elaina]

It's pretty natural early on. You don't know what his signals are yet so you don't know how to interpret what's going on. Just keep it to yourself until you have more to go on. If it doesn't fix itself, mention what you've noticed to him, but keep it light. Bringing pressure and/or a lot of emotion to the discussion can lead to problems.

 

Relax. Don't worry.

 

Ok. Thanks. You're right.

 

TokyoG33kyGal,

 

Yeah I can't wait to meet him! I wonder if the excitement and a tinge of nervousness is contributing to why I'm suddenly feeling clingy/insecure? Today I picked out the sundress I'm going to wear when I meet him!!! (I like dresses) My best friend and I had a lovely time discussing how sexy and what type of dress for me to wear when we first see each other... maybe I'm taking this way too fast too...

 

I need to get my feet back on the ground lol.

[johan]

Also a little insecurity is forgivable. If he has any experience in relationships at all, he should understand. And if he's worth being with, he'll be cool about it. He shouldn't expect you to be perfect, and you really shouldn't either.

[D-Lish]

You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you react to those feelings.

 

I'm always really good in the beginning stages of a relationship- once I start developing strong feelinsg for someone, my insecurities start to develop.

 

You have to realize, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. It doesn't matter if you keep a close eye on them, you can't control their every move- if they are going to cheat, they will find a way. Nothing you say or do will change that.

 

I've recently been through a really tough time with my bf. We had a pregnancy and a miscarriage early on in our relationship and after the miscarriage I was left feeling really insecure, needy, and clingy. Our first reaction when we feel insecure is to come on stronger- demand more, force things, etc. When you try and force things, you actually drive them away. When you start acting clingy and needy, you drive them away even further.

 

My behaviour only lasted a couple of weeks, but in that time, I pushed him away- and he began distancing himself. Things were great when I was that confident, laid back girl- but as soon as I let my insecurities get the best of me, I saw how acting insecure and the ensuing behaviour stemming from that was pushing my relationship in the wrong direction.

 

When I realized what I was doing, I started to make the effort to get back on track. I stopped asking when i could see him again, stopped giving him a hard time when he wanted to go out with his friends, started to focus on going out with my friends and immersing myself in my work again. basically, I just started acting in the same way I had acted when we first met. The results were almost immediate.

 

I had to think- what made him so attracted to me in the first place? What had I done in those first few months when he wanted to see me every single day? It was because I was confident, I had my own life, I never questioned when he wanted a night out with his friends... And during those times- he couldn't get enough of me. Now that I have gone back to being that girl, he's back to asking me when he can see me again.

 

I think you simply have to take a step back and evaluate your actions before you act. Just work through the anxiety of your insecurity before you send a text or make a call and blurt something out that could come back to haunt you in the future.

 

Honestly, I am amazed at how quickly my insecurities affected our relationship- but I am equally amazed at how quickly things changed as soon as I took action (or inaction) to get back on track.

 

You haven't ruined anything, just stop, take a deep breath, and think, think, think, before you act. The next time you have an urge to react to your insecurity, stop, take a deep breath, think things through first.

[interfuse]

You cant control this fear with a long distance relationship. The only way to cure it is to date guys within your state.

 

That is NOT true! There are other ways to cure the insecurity. Usually it has to do with one's self-esteem and confidence and the relationship itself. You just have to go out there and keep yourself really busy or talk to a counselor about it.

[elaina]

Also a little insecurity is forgivable. If he has any experience in relationships at all, he should understand. And if he's worth being with, he'll be cool about it.

 

He did seem cool about it, thankfully! Time will tell. I don't want to do anything (more) to jeopardize his coolness though. I do really like him.

 

He shouldn't expect you to be perfect, and you really shouldn't either

 

I shouldn't expect him to be perfect? Or I shouldn't expect myself to be perfect? Or I shouldn't be perfect?

 

I want to be perfect. It's no fun feeling out of sync with perfection.

[interfuse]

That is NOT true! There are other ways to cure the insecurity. Usually it has to do with one's self-esteem and confidence and the relationship itself. You just have to go out there and keep yourself really busy or talk to a counselor about it.

 

Meant to put *not the relationship itself.

[elaina]

You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you react to those feelings.

 

True

 

I'm always really good in the beginning stages of a relationship- once I start developing strong feelinsg for someone, my insecurities start to develop.

Yeah, I think that's a part of it... I am developing strong feelings for this guy, which is scary, especially since I've not met him in person yet. We've been talking on the phone though for like 1-3 hours almost everyday for 2 months now, except for last week when he started working a 2nd job and this week. He hhas been understandably too tired to talk for very long on the phone, though we still text/talk most everyday.

 

You have to realize, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. It doesn't matter if you keep a close eye on them, you can't control their every move- if they are going to cheat, they will find a way. Nothing you say or do will change that.

I'm more afraid of him losing interest in me, and yeah maybe that he will find someone there who he likes before we meet. I think it's because of the sudden drop off of how long we talked on the phone. I know he's super busy now.

 

That's the insecure question I asked him today... if he was bored talking to me. He said no and that this was a weird question. Now I'm afraid I've put that thought in his mind (it's amazing what thoughts we women can put into the minds of men, when before they might not have thought that...) and I'm afraid he now sees me as clingy/insecure, which would be true at the moment, though Johan and you and other people are giving me good advice and yeah he seemed ok.

 

I've recently been through a really tough time with my bf. We had a pregnancy and a miscarriage early on in our relationship and after the miscarriage I was left feeling really insecure, needy, and clingy. Our first reaction when we feel insecure is to come on stronger- demand more, force things, etc. When you try and force things, you actually drive them away. When you start acting clingy and needy, you drive them away even further.

I am sorry about the rough time y'all went through. Yes I hope I didn't force or demand anything. I had sent him a text and he didn't reply, which is odd for him... so I called him, worried. He said he didn't get it (and my phone does have issues) and he said he is tired so can't talk very long, and that's when I stupidly asked him if he was bored talking with me. and yeah... hopefully I didn't do anything damaging. You're right though, and I don't want to drive him away.

 

My behaviour only lasted a couple of weeks, but in that time, I pushed him away- and he began distancing himself. Things were great when I was that confident, laid back girl- but as soon as I let my insecurities get the best of me, I saw how acting insecure and the ensuing behaviour stemming from that was pushing my relationship in the wrong direction.

Yeah I am usually very bubbly and happy and he could tell when I called him that I sounded different... he commented on that.

 

When I realized what I was doing, I started to make the effort to get back on track. I stopped asking when i could see him again, stopped giving him a hard time when he wanted to go out with his friends, started to focus on going out with my friends and immersing myself in my work again. basically, I just started acting in the same way I had acted when we first met. The results were almost immediate.

Ok... so I just need to stop myself from becoming paranoid and just be myself then, yeah? So when/if he calls tomorrow, I should not mention ANYTHING about my security, but just be myself? And if he for some reason doesn't call, I should just let him be, right?

I had to think- what made him so attracted to me in the first place? What had I done in those first few months when he wanted to see me every single day? It was because I was confident, I had my own life, I never questioned when he wanted a night out with his friends... And during those times- he couldn't get enough of me. Now that I have gone back to being that girl, he's back to asking me when he can see me again.

Good points and that's awesome that your relationship is doing great again!!!

I think you simply have to take a step back and evaluate your actions before you act. Just work through the anxiety of your insecurity before you send a text or make a call and blurt something out that could come back to haunt you in the future.

Good advice. Thanks!

Honestly, I am amazed at how quickly my insecurities affected our relationship- but I am equally amazed at how quickly things changed as soon as I took action (or inaction) to get back on track.

Ok

 

You haven't ruined anything, just stop, take a deep breath, and think, think, think, before you act. The next time you have an urge to react to your insecurity, stop, take a deep breath, think things through first.

Thanks so much!!! Yeah, and how did you know I didn't think? I just felt and did and said. Thanks for the great advice and for understanding! Edited April 1, 2011 by elaina

[D-Lish]

Thanks so much!!! Yeah, and how did you know I didn't think? I just felt and did and said. Thanks for the great advice and for understanding!

 

Um... Because i found myself doing a whole lot of NOT THINKING myself before acting in the past month!

 

You haven't damaged anything- you asked one question, and made a frantic phonecall- no big deal, and it can be fixed.

 

My situation is a bit different because I am closing in on the 6 month mark with my guy- but those "crazy" feelings and moments of insecurity are no different. We all experience those.

 

Honestly, taking a step back sometimes, thinking before you do anything, really helps. I had some rocky days where I was being frantic and feeling needy- and I just stopped and realized "wow, this is getting me nowhere". And it wasn't. It was hard to pull back and just learn to be patient again, but I righted myself, and as soon as I did- he started to respond the way he always had.

 

I would def let things ride for a bit, make sure to keep yourself busy- and when you do talk to him, keep it light hearted. You certainly didn't make any big mistakes at all- it's a quick and easy fix. At least you recognize that the insecurities are there and could potentially do some damage- and that's perfect, because knowing makes you aware enough to keep on top of them.

 

I honestly had a good week of being frazzled and emotional with him, but as soon as I got my act together and realized what I was doing and the harm it was causing- I changed my tune, and he opened up again.

 

You had one little comment and a brief moment- nothing to worry about at all.

 

He was probably really attracted to your confidence in the beginning, so that comment threw him off a little. Knowing he's attracted to that confident girl he first started chatting with is a good way to get yourself back on track.

 

I think the trick is not to let things snowball in your own head. Once you start letting that happen, it becomes more difficult to control your emotions, and your reactions, as the snowball gets bigger!!

 

Stop, think, deep breath, think again...maybe another big breath, then proceed with a clear head:cool:

Edited April 1, 2011 by D-Lish

[elaina]

Um... Because i found myself doing a whole lot of NOT THINKING myself before acting in the past month!

 

You haven't damaged anything- you asked one question, and made a frantic phonecall- no big deal, and it can be fixed.

 

My situation is a bit different because I am closing in on the 6 month mark with my guy- but those "crazy" feelings and moments of insecurity are no different. We all experience those.

 

Honestly, taking a step back sometimes, thinking before you do anything, really helps. I had some rocky days where I was being frantic and feeling needy- and I just stopped and realized "wow, this is getting me nowhere". And it wasn't. It was hard to pull back and just learn to be patient again, but I righted myself, and as soon as I did- he started to respond the way he always had.

 

I would def let things ride for a bit, make sure to keep yourself busy- and when you do talk to him, keep it light hearted. You certainly didn't make any big mistakes at all- it's a quick and easy fix. At least you recognize that the insecurities are there and could potentially do some damage- and that's perfect, because knowing makes you aware enough to keep on top of them.

 

I honestly had a good week of being frazzled and emotional with him, but as soon as I got my act together and realized what I was doing and the harm it was causing- I changed my tune, and he opened up again.

 

You had one little comment and a brief moment- nothing to worry about at all.

 

He was probably really attracted to your confidence in the beginning, so that comment threw him off a little. Knowing he's attracted to that confident girl he first started chatting with is a good way to get yourself back on track.

 

I think the trick is not to let things snowball in your own head. Once you start letting that happen, it becomes more difficult to control your emotions, and your reactions, as the snowball gets bigger!!

 

Stop, think, deep breath, think again...maybe another big breath, then proceed with a clear head:cool:

 

Thanks so much D-Lish! You are awesome!!! You've helped me a lot!!!

[D-Lish]

Thanks so much D-Lish! You are awesome!!! You've helped me a lot!!!

 

Oh thanks girlie- I hope when you meet him for the first time that he passes inspection:love:

 

I'm pulling for you!

[cutiecall]

D-Lish

Thanks for the awesome advice!!! That is so true. Guys definately don't like clingy. Hey well girls dont' either. If a guy was acting like that towards me I would be turned off.

 

It is hard when you have strong emotions towards someone. If you don't have strong emotions then it is easy.

 

Right now I have been dating someone for 3 months and I don't have really strong emotions towards him. If he doesn't call me again I won't be really upset.

[elaina]

Oh thanks girlie- I hope when you meet him for the first time that he passes inspection:love:

 

I hope so too, and that I do too lol!

 

I'm pulling for you!

 

Thanks

 

Update: He called, we had a fun and interesting conversation - nothing to worry about yay thank God!!!

 

Thanks again D-Lish for your encouragement and great advice!!! You helped me not freak out more but to just enjoy the ride

[D-Lish]

I hope so too, and that I do too lol!

 

Thanks

 

Update: He called, we had a fun and interesting conversation - nothing to worry about yay thank God!!!

 

Thanks again D-Lish for your encouragement and great advice!!! You helped me not freak out more but to just enjoy the ride

 

I'm so glad you had a good conversation.

 

So the next hurdle is actually meeting, correct? When is that planned for?

[elaina]

I'm so glad you had a good conversation.

 

So the next hurdle is actually meeting, correct? When is that planned for?

 

Next week!!!

 

We decided I'm going to visit him because he lives near the ocean

 

We are already good friends, and we are interested in each other and have unbelievable chemistry over the phone, but it's really hard to tell if that will carry on when we meet face to face. We have seen pictures of each other and like what we see, which is good.

 

I really hope he doesn't get on loveshack... I don't think he does... it would be so embarrassing though if he reads this! He would know without a doubt that it's me lol. He is beginning to get to know me very well I think.