timchambo Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 well nearly everyone that knows my story was right. She wants back. And as it so often happens (as I have learned), its just too late. All I wanted only 3 months ago was for her to come back. The love of my life. My soon to be wife. Future mother of my children. Destroyed all we had over night. The trust is forever broken. Why? Why throw away something so valuable. I thought this was the one thing that would make it all feel better. All I feel is sorry for her. Sorry that she can't have what she wants. And its really not out of spite or to be vengeful. Life is too strange.
0hpenelope Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Well bud, there you go. That's why most LS users advice that once an ex tries to come back when they're the ones who do the leaving, you have gone through the process of feeling really bad about everything - yourself, the regret, the pain, the yearning, the anger - that a lot of times, you won't want the ex back. If you're feeling up to it, I hope you'll share your account of what happened.
Author timchambo Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 backstory: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260600/ I went NC after I spent the first 2 weeks LC trying to talk some sense into her. Been NC for about 3 months now. Numerous phone/text attempts on her part I have ignored. She has contact friends and family a few times during the 3 months to "stay in touch with them" and to let everyone know how happy she is now. That ended recently and now she came clean to them and "doesn't know how to make it right". I feel bad for her since I know the pain she is going through now. But I would never want to go through that again, and am still recovering myself. In the last month I have been enjoying life. Meeting a lot of new people. Getting attention from girls, attractive ones at that. The feeling of being someone else's trash has faded. Its becoming clear that guys at my age, with a good head on their shoulders, nice career, average looking at the least are actually prized. It makes very little sense to start over with someone who betrayed me now, when there are a couple prospects already. I still care for her deeply. Her pain hurts me still. How do I handle this when she eventually shows up on my door step?
butterfly2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 WOW.. I had this happen to me in the past and dumb me took him back when he showed up at my door. It didnt work because the problems didnt get spoken about or worked out. I am so sorry you are going through this and that I have no advice for you. I am loves victim right now and I am hurting cause I want his love back but it probably isnt the right thing for me.
silic0ntoad Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 And you, my friend, have achieved what everyone else here has aspired to. The move on. The moment of clarity. Bravo! Now, tell us about those other attractive ladies.
0hpenelope Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 She has contact friends and family a few times during the 3 months to "stay in touch with them" and to let everyone know how happy she is now. That ended recently and now she came clean to them and "doesn't know how to make it right". Telling people how happy we are is giving a statement when it's really more effective if it's shown. Let actions serve as testament instead. Even I was skeptical of her claimed happiness if she HAS to tell people over and over again how much happier she is now. I feel bad for her since I know the pain she is going through now. But I would never want to go through that again, and am still recovering myself. .... I still care for her deeply. Her pain hurts me still. How do I handle this when she eventually shows up on my door step? You are a kind person, it just shows. Congratulations on your progress! I have no doubt that you have a much clearer head to make decisions now than not too long ago. What do you think you'd like to do?
dng Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I still care for her deeply. Her pain hurts me still. How do I handle this when she eventually shows up on my door step? I dont mean to pop your bubble here buddy but she just wants what she can't have. She ruined your thing by leaving and its ruined for the both of you. She doesn't want to be alond and she would leave you again, 100%. Act accordingly.
EyesWideOpen Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 At least she's learned a valuable lesson thanks to you. You can never go back. You can't regain what was lost. At least, if nothing else, you helped her to learn this and she'll be more carefull next time. At least that's what I used to tell myself about my ex. Now I (thankfully) just don't care anymore. =)
fetish Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 congratulations timchambo on your triumph. You and your fiance split up about a month and a half before me and mine did. We were together for almost 8 years Like yours, my fiance had been putting pressure on me for years to propose and get married. Well i finally did, and i guesss over the last 2 years of our engagement our relationship slowly started on the decline. Your story is inspirational for me as i'm still trying to get some self esteem back and its almost been 2 months since our split. Hopefully by the time i hit month number 3, i won't hardly think about her anymore.
depplover_1980 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Tim - the real victory is the work you've done on yourself. Her wanting you back is merely a confirmation of what you'd discovered about yourself and that is that you're brilliant. After following your story for a while, I am in agreement that there will be a number of potential fresh starts out there in the world. It's kind of exciting not knowing who she'll be or what she'll look like and how she'll feel against you. Good luck.
seibert253 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Always move forward, never in reverse. Continue on my friend.
bslchump Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Tim, as you know, our stories are very similar. Even though you feel bad now, I still have to congratulate you. You not only have the power back, but you're pretty moved on. I'm still sitting around hoping my ex tells me what your ex just told you. I don't think it'll happen, but I'd kill to be where you are. Just take comfort in that I'm happy for you, man. Nice job.
broken-and-lost Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 congrats m8 its nice your on the road to recovery most people would love to be able to do what you've done good luck with the new girls who will pop into your life
Author timchambo Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 BSL, I have a feeling you will be in this situation too. Has she tried to reach out? Your moved now right? The other lady prospects are very bright, attractive, career women. I was worried after me and my ex split it would be hard to find a girl with a sense of adventure...turns out both these women do. That was one quality I loved about my ex. I worry about her though. The path she chose in life now is a very rough one. She has a much higher chance of struggling than succeeding.
bslchump Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Yeah, I'm moved now. The only "reaching out" she's done is to tell me she's officially in a relationship with the other guy now (before I left), texting me after I left saying I was an amazing boyfriend, but she didn't love me, and then one or two business-like texts about some money stuff. So as much as I'd like to be in your situation, her telling me she doesn't love me like I love her and that she's dating this guy pretty much seals the deal. It is really cool to hear about you being excited to be with another girl. I'm still idolizing mine (god knows why), but I hope to be where you are soon. Being home has been kinda rough for me, but it is better that I'm not around all our old stuff anymore. Those constant triggers were killing me. Keep us updated, man. I'd love to know how things pan out.
swfc_77 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 tim - i was in your situation about 10 months ago, we were together for 2 yrs and briefly talked of engagement. she left for another guy, out of the blue after me spending a lot of time and energy helping her get into a good college and into a stable job. i was given the same talk, "im not in love with you anymore" "move on and forget about me" after 2-3 months she came running back, and i gave in and gave her a second chance, the BIGGEST mistake i'v ever made. she left again 4 months later with the same punch line. she ripped me open twice, trying to move on a second time was a very hard task ahead, but im doing well, like you i still think about her but would never get back with her. just keep strong mate, reject, ignore and accept it for what it is. i was not strong enough to reject my ex advance when she came back for another go, trust me it hurts like hell the second time round.
Author timchambo Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Yeah, I'm moved now. The only "reaching out" she's done is to tell me she's officially in a relationship with the other guy now (before I left), texting me after I left saying I was an amazing boyfriend, but she didn't love me, and then one or two business-like texts about some money stuff. So as much as I'd like to be in your situation, her telling me she doesn't love me like I love her and that she's dating this guy pretty much seals the deal. It is really cool to hear about you being excited to be with another girl. I'm still idolizing mine (god knows why), but I hope to be where you are soon. Being home has been kinda rough for me, but it is better that I'm not around all our old stuff anymore. Those constant triggers were killing me. Keep us updated, man. I'd love to know how things pan out. The "I don't love you anymore", "never again" bs is talk and posturing. Those business-like texts gradually turn into more once that honeymoon phase is over. There is no way she walks away from this guilt free. If for nothing else she will be contacting you soon to clear her conscience. In the end its her actions that will define her. My ex said the same ****. I don't know what it was that finally knocked her off the pedestal, it could have been as simple as attention from other females. Just give it some time and open yourself up to meeting new people. Someone started a thread earlier which I found very true. After going through what we have, being rejected by a girl doesn't hurt like it used to. The pain I am moving on from was so deep, rejection really hasn't phased me. Getting to the phase of dating again didn't happen over night. It was/is with the support of some very good friends that sped this up. The change of scenery bothered me at first too. You get adjusted and deal with it. Best of luck bro. I will update this if there is any more to the story. SWFC, thanks for the reassurance. How had you handled life in those 2-3 months when she left the 1st time? You felt she was genuine when she came back, or were there some red flags on that reconciliation attempt when you look back?
swfc_77 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 How had you handled life in those 2-3 months when she left the 1st time? i booked for 2 weeks in jamaica with my mate, started working out, got a lot of work in the south of england 300 miles away so stayed down there for most of it. my mom only lived 5 mins away from me at the time so that was nice. she came back, i stopped working away and gave away a lot of building work down there, went to jamaica and left her in england which completley ruined my holiday, my mum moved north about 2 hours drive. in the end it all went tits up, i ended up being ripped off for a few grand (work) and my mum moved away so it was a time i really needed someone there, the first time i'v ever really needed someone there and she bailed on me. You felt she was genuine when she came back, or were there some red flags on that reconciliation attempt when you look back? yeah i thought she was, because she had done the hard work in getting me back but maybe i gave in too easy. red flags there were plenty throughout the whole relationship but i always tried to see the best in her and kind of hoped she would grow up a bit while with me. what made me answer your post was, i regret ever taking her back i wish to god i would have continued to move on when we first split, it was a chance to make it so much easier on myself. i had loads of work, a good holiday to look forward too, my family and friends around me. after the second time i had nothing really, my friends and family were helpful but i'd used them as a "shoulder to cry on" only months before about the same thing. its harder this time because i fell into the same trap twice and feel a fool about it. from the day i met her i had a gut feeling she was a "wrong 'un" but tried to see the best in her. just be careful mate, if you have a chance to cut loose and start a fresh then i would take it. take care,
Author timchambo Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 She "wants her closure" now. To be clear all this communication she gets to me is through messages or mutual friends. I have no interest in consoling her after what she done. Especially since she still is in denial of her actions. And wtf does closure even mean? I thought we had closure when she ripped my soul apart 3 months ago.
GreenPolicy Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 The "I don't love you anymore", "never again" bs is talk and posturing. Those business-like texts gradually turn into more once that honeymoon phase is over. There is no way she walks away from this guilt free. If for nothing else she will be contacting you soon to clear her conscience. In the end its her actions that will define her. My ex said the same ****. I don't know what it was that finally knocked her off the pedestal, it could have been as simple as attention from other females. Just give it some time and open yourself up to meeting new people. Someone started a thread earlier which I found very true. After going through what we have, being rejected by a girl doesn't hurt like it used to. The pain I am moving on from was so deep, rejection really hasn't phased me. Getting to the phase of dating again didn't happen over night. It was/is with the support of some very good friends that sped this up. The change of scenery bothered me at first too. You get adjusted and deal with it. Best of luck bro. I will update this if there is any more to the story. SWFC, thanks for the reassurance. How had you handled life in those 2-3 months when she left the 1st time? You felt she was genuine when she came back, or were there some red flags on that reconciliation attempt when you look back? You can click on my profile and read my story if you want, but I don't ever expect to hear from my ex. Coming up soon on six months, and the only post-relationship contact was three months ago when she made arrangements to get her bike back. Met her in person for four minutes, exchanged pleasantries, nothing was discussed.
GreenPolicy Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She "wants her closure" now. To be clear all this communication she gets to me is through messages or mutual friends. I have no interest in consoling her after what she done. Especially since she still is in denial of her actions. And wtf does closure even mean? I thought we had closure when she ripped my soul apart 3 months ago. You deserve somebody better than her, and she deserves to stew in the mess of her own making. I wouldn't give her any kind of validation, because she doesn't deserve it. You need to forgive her so you can move on and heal, but forgiveness really has nothing to do with her. It's for you and your benefit, and you don't even have to tell her that she's forgiven. She has plenty of time now to sit and reflect on what she's done. She can get closure on her own. Where was she when you wanted closure? You have been an inspiration to me with how you have handled your situation with class, dignity and integrity.
Author timchambo Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 You deserve somebody better than her, and she deserves to stew in the mess of her own making. I wouldn't give her any kind of validation, because she doesn't deserve it. You need to forgive her so you can move on and heal, but forgiveness really has nothing to do with her. It's for you and your benefit, and you don't even have to tell her that she's forgiven. She has plenty of time now to sit and reflect on what she's done. She can get closure on her own. Where was she when you wanted closure? You have been an inspiration to me with how you have handled your situation with class, dignity and integrity. The more time that passes, the more I start to see I settled for her. I carried all the weight to the point I don't think she appreciated much of anything anymore. I got my closure when she told me to move on and find someone else. I don't understand wtf she is expecting. BTW my response to BSL was pretty specific to his situation. We had very similar situations happen at about the same time. Certainly all situations are unique, but I just have a gut feeling about his.
Otowngirl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I feel compelled to respond -- especially your "what to do now" question. I have vented in this forum about my anger towards my ex and all of the crap I put up with in our relationship. Upon further examination -- and to be perfectly honest -- I gave it as well as I got it. And I've been feeling stuck; miserable; angry. I'm tired of those feelings; that is negative energy and a large part of the reason we feel "stuck" is because it is of our own making. I have a friend who is a "vibrational healer and spiritual advisor". Let me preface this by saying she also is a believer in God. I reached out to her and have come to realize that my vibrations -- what I am putting out into the universe -- are negative. So I am getting what I am giving. It's time to change that. So instead of pouring over the same old sad story, I have been researching the Law of Attraction. And here is how it has worked for you: You have moved past that negativity into a more positive phase in your life. THAT is why people have been reaching out to you (your good friends that have helped you meet other women). In return, your positive energy has attracted others to you. Others that seem to be positive, worthwhile women. Those vibes that you are sending out is what your ex is responding to. Especially if she is in a bad place in her life and struggling and making poor choices. Remember what it was that first attracted her to you and I bet it was because you were presenting your "best" self...the positive side of you. Having said that, misery loves company. So, it's only fair to say that she is remembering that positivity and wanting your help (consciously or more likely, subconsciously) and wanting that back in her life. You've stated that your old relationship isn't what you want and it shouldn't be. The only healthy way to move into a relationship with an ex is that the old relationship has to die and a new one has to emerge. I don't doubt her feelings for you; love just doesn't die. Not if you've had someone in your life to the extent that you had with her. The bigger question is: where is she in her life? Is it a case of nothing seems to be working out for her so she is reaching out to you to "fix" it? Sounds that way, but here also is a word of caution: nobody truly knows what happens in a relationship except the two people involved in one. Let me say that again, because it's very important: your friends; other people; can't know the nitty-gritty of your relationship because 99% of the time, they're not there in that relationship with you and her. So, what do you do? 1) recognize what wasn't working for you. I believe you have already done that and moved past the rehashing/ romanticizing the past. If not, it's time to re-examine it; put it all down on paper. When you rehash/ romanticize the past, you stop seeing all the ways that made life a rollercoaster for you...and all of the negative things that the other person did. 2) STOP the cycle of finding that your relationships are only about you and your partner turning on each other and breaking each other down. By changing the way you go about your relationship, you change the dynamic of that relationship. So...where does that leave you? No one can answer that but yourself. Only you know what is truly in your heart and what your sixth sense is telling you. If it is that you want to give her another chance -- go ahead. Yep, I said it -- give it another try. That may be the only way to truly see where she is at in her personal growth. Or if there is any personal growth to be had on her side. If you don't think either person is there yet then here is what you do: You let her go with love. Leave her to find her own path; her own way back to you. Neither of your paths is right or wrong; they are simple different. In my case, I see where my ex is not as evolved as a person as I am (though he would tell you differently). I see this because during the relationship I saw how he related to other significant people in his life. We are very different in how we treat other people; my friends and my family are very important with me and though we struggle at times to remain connected, it is of utmost importance to me that we do. With him...not so much. He is of a tendency to let things fall where they may and makes a very half-hearted attempt at keeping other important people a part of his life. So, our paths are extremely different. It is when you let go and release the other with love that the magic happens. And you saw how that Law of Attraction worked in your life. You are Enough, my friend. The question is -- is she? No one can answer that for you except you. And I feel there is a danger in listening to other's advice because they simply don't know. What worked; what happened with them after a reconciliation does not necessarily mean that will happen with you. And I'll say this again for the benefit of everyone on this forum: You are Enough. Every single one of you! You have all that you need; the biggest question is does the other person add to your life or detract from it? If you can answer that, then you have all the information you need to make a decision that will allow you to continue on your path.
lma Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Hey timchambo, im really glad that she came to the realization and you are together with her. I am really happy for you. I can understand why you feel this way, i feel the same way that I wont feel the same way IF we ever be together. We goes through a lot and its really painful process. But im sure the reason that changed you was her and I know you can recreate the sparks again. Don't be so hard on yourself, talk to her and tell her that you both need to work for it. Only you and she can change it. Always remember how you felt when you hold her the first time you got back together... All the best man! I hope I can write like you someday..
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