Normal to question if things done differently, could have prevented breakup?

April 1, 2011

I keep telling myself if I had done this or that differently, responded differently to something that he wouldn't have ended it. Is that normal?

April 1, 2011

It is normal, and perhaps even healthy, to think about hypotheticals like that. It will help you glean some insight into some of the issues that served as the impetus of the break up of the relationship. HOWEVER, be careful! Just beacuse things COULD have been different doesn't mean that they would have been. You have to accept things happened the way that they happened. While I dont know the details of your relationship, I think its important that you acknowledge to yourself that while you may now think that you could have handled things differently, AT THE TIME you did your best; you did what you believed was right. Have enough love for yourself, and faith in yourself, to accept this. Life isn't about what you could have done. Its about what you did do. And at the end of the day, you cannot control how someone else reacts to something you do. More importantly, some people simply make up their minds to make choices we dont like, and they would have done so no matter what we did. My ex was going to treat me like garbage and hurt me as she did no matter what I did. It hurts, for sure. But at the end of the day, you did all you can do. learn from it. See it as an opportunity to develop in your identity, and know that moving forward, there is a bright future ahead for your love life. Hope this helps.

April 1, 2011

It is normal, and perhaps even healthy, to think about hypotheticals like that. It will help you glean some insight into some of the issues that served as the impetus of the break up of the relationship. HOWEVER, be careful! Just beacuse things COULD have been different doesn't mean that they would have been. You have to accept things happened the way that they happened. While I dont know the details of your relationship, I think its important that you acknowledge to yourself that while you may now think that you could have handled things differently, AT THE TIME you did your best; you did what you believed was right. Have enough love for yourself, and faith in yourself, to accept this. Life isn't about what you could have done. Its about what you did do. And at the end of the day, you cannot control how someone else reacts to something you do. More importantly, some people simply make up their minds to make choices we dont like, and they would have done so no matter what we did. My ex was going to treat me like garbage and hurt me as she did no matter what I did. It hurts, for sure. But at the end of the day, you did all you can do. learn from it. See it as an opportunity to develop in your identity, and know that moving forward, there is a bright future ahead for your love life. Hope this helps.

There were times looking back I could have done something better or responded better..or sometimes I guess I could have responded in the way he would have liked. But I chose not to and I deeply regret that now. There were than other times I feel I responded in the corrct manner and it wasn't "right" to him or what I did wasn't right to him.

I'm just going to drive myself crazy. Today is the first day I haven't contacted him since our breakup last Saturday. I keeping looking at my phone hoping he will call me but I know he won't. Its just so lonely. You get so used to someone calling everynight to ask how your day was and now its gone.

Everyone around me has a husband or significant other in their life and that makes it harder to not wonder what could have been.

April 1, 2011

I keep telling myself if I had done this or that differently, responded differently to something that he wouldn't have ended it. Is that normal?

Yes it is normal...but not true.

Your brain right now is operating off the false belief that this was the greatest ever so because of that it leads to the thought that since it was so great or what you really wanted then something must have been a mistake...

However, as time goes by you not only realize that it makes no sense to ponder "what ifs" but accept that what ifs don't happen and can't happen and aren't meant to happen...but exactly how things played out was what should have occurred and is the only thing that did occur. You'll also wake up one day and be glad everything occurred as it did when you're lead to some other point in your life.

Now that I'm over my ex, I have no regrets. Every "mistake", every bad thing, every good thing....I embrace it all as pushing me further along the path of where I need to be and what I need to learn about myself and relationships. I would not want to go back and do it over....but everything that I resented, regretted and wanted to change before (I spent months wishing I had never met him etc) now I actually appreciate.You'll get to that point when you're healed but now you're still broken so how you feel is normal.

April 1, 2011

There were times looking back I could have done something better or responded better..or sometimes I guess I could have responded in the way he would have liked. But I chose not to and I deeply regret that now. There were than other times I feel I responded in the corrct manner and it wasn't "right" to him or what I did wasn't right to him.

I'm just going to drive myself crazy. Today is the first day I haven't contacted him since our breakup last Saturday. I keeping looking at my phone hoping he will call me but I know he won't. Its just so lonely. You get so used to someone calling everynight to ask how your day was and now its gone.

Everyone around me has a husband or significant other in their life and that makes it harder to not wonder what could have been.

That's definitely one of the hardest parts....there is no easy way around this. The loneliness can get the better of you and definitely seeing everyone else with their S/O adds salt to the wound. But I always remind myself that "Everyone has their time". I remember when I was with my ex, I was on cloud 9! I was happy and content while some of my friends were single and probably wishing they were in my place...we broke up...then I was no longer on cloud 9....other friends got bfs and I was now the one looking on wishing I was in their place lol. Today, I am single and a lot of my friends are getting engaged and so on and today I was kind of thinking "What about me!?" But the truth is.....everyone has their time. No one is happy all the time or sad all the time and we truly have our season. Just like you had a man once...you will again...now is just your season to grow from heartbreak and be single.Likewise some friends may have a husband now or be happy now but you have no idea if and when they will get a divorce, break up, etc. Everyone has their season.

Myself am guilty of trying to speed through certain seasons in my life....like singleness...some days I'm like ugghhh! Can I have a man already? Why can't I be the one planning a wedding? Lol! But I also embrace it like...when you do have someone, the truth is yes it is good but also relationships come with A LOT of work and you have to factor another person into your life...when you're single there is so much you can do and be and have a greater level of freedom and living for yourself, so enjoy it...eventually that season will end and you will find love again. There is probably a great reason why I don't have someone now, it is not the end-all and be-all, so I am gonna make the best of where I'm at now until love comes knocking again....and it always comes knocking again.

April 1, 2011

Yes it is normal...but not true.

Your brain right now is operating off the false belief that this was the greatest ever so because of that it leads to the thought that since it was so great or what you really wanted then something must have been a mistake...

However, as time goes by you not only realize that it makes no sense to ponder "what ifs" but accept that what ifs don't happen and can't happen and aren't meant to happen...but exactly how things played out was what should have occurred and is the only thing that did occur. You'll also wake up one day and be glad everything occurred as it did when you're lead to some other point in your life.

Now that I'm over my ex, I have no regrets. Every "mistake", every bad thing, every good thing....I embrace it all as pushing me further along the path of where I need to be and what I need to learn about myself and relationships. I would not want to go back and do it over....but everything that I resented, regretted and wanted to change before (I spent months wishing I had never met him etc) now I actually appreciate.You'll get to that point when you're healed but now you're still broken so how you feel is normal.

I really would like to think that way, but I never met anyone like him before. He is all I have ever been looking for..whats the chance of me finding that again? slim to none. I have gone out with plenty of guys and never felt like that about any of them. I have had 2 other relationships and didn't feel like that about them either. Its just heartbreaking.

April 1, 2011

I really would like to think that way, but I never met anyone like him before. He is all I have ever been looking for..whats the chance of me finding that again? slim to none. I have gone out with plenty of guys and never felt like that about any of them. I have had 2 other relationships and didn't feel like that about them either. Its just heartbreaking.

I felt the same about my ex...and now I can affirmatively say that I know that's a lie.

You're at the point where he is still on a pedestal...you just broke p last week...come talk back to me in about 6 months and tell me if you still feel so strongly about not being able to find anyone better.

From my experience...most thoughts and feelings within days/weeks/months after a breakup are very fickle and never stand true with time.

He's all you were looking for you say? Except you forgot the huge part that he would choose you fully as well. I am sure you were not looking for a man whom you felt you would choose fully but who wouldn't choose you. So that alone means he was "almost" it and not it. As I said...he's still on a pedestal...but overtime you will begin to be like "Ohh wait...he was great except for xyz" and then as time goes by it will become more realistic where you realize he is not God's gift...and the truth is there is more than one compatible person out there for you. Just like how you found him...I'm sure it was not your "last chance" and like he came along, so will someone else.

I've seen many people on LS say the very same thing and have felt the same way...and you know what, most if not all those folks come back later on and change their minds and laugh at the thought as do I now. So it's very typical to feel this way....and ofcourse you can't see your future so it is only normal to only be able to judge what's possible from the limited scope of what you can see but it's not called limited for no reason

Edited April 1, 2011 by Beeotch

April 1, 2011

I felt the same about my ex...and now I can affirmatively say that I know that's a lie.

You're at the point where he is still on a pedestal...you just broke p last week...come talk back to me in about 6 months and tell me if you still feel so strongly about not being able to find anyone better.

From my experience...most thoughts and feelings within days/weeks/months after a breakup are very fickle and never stand true with time.

I've seen many people on LS say the very same thing and have felt the same way...and you know what, most if not all those folks come back later on and change their minds and laugh at the thought as do I now. So it's very typical to feel this way....and ofcourse you can't see your future so it is only normal to only be able to judge what's possible from the limited scope of what you can see but it's not called limited for no reason

this really isn't one of those cases. He really is an extraordinary man. Generous, brilliant, great career, humble, I can go on and on. Everyone around was like "where did you find him?" I was so proud. I just keep kicking myself - like I screwed up so badly

April 1, 2011

Why even bother to torment yourself? If someone is looking to break up with you, they'll keep looking for a "reason" in order to justify breaking up with you. And if they love you, then there can never be a reason to end it.

Reasons are merely excuses because people don't have the balls to be honest. How many times have you heard a woman say to you:

"I need space"

"I don't know what I want"

"I'm not looking for a relationship right now"

"I'm very busy, I don't have time to date"

"I need to find myself" (whatever the hell that means)

"I'm just not ready"

"You deserve someone better than me"

The truth is, all the above reasons are nothing more than pure BS. 99% of the time, they already have someone in mind and are merely breaking up with you due to GIGS, assuming you're a normal guy who treated her with respect.

April 1, 2011

Why even bother to torment yourself? If someone is looking to break up with you, they'll keep looking for a "reason" in order to justify breaking up with you. And if they love you, then there can never be a reason to end it.

Reasons are merely excuses because people don't have the balls to be honest. How many times have you heard a woman say to you:

"I need space"
"I don't know what I want"
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now"
"I'm very busy, I don't have time to date"
"I need to find myself" (whatever the hell that means)
"I'm just not ready"
"You deserve someone better than me"

The truth is, all the above reasons are nothing more than pure BS. 99% of the time, they already have someone in mind and are merely breaking up with you due to GIGS, assuming you're a normal guy who treated her with respect.

well first of all I'm a woman. second of all wtf is gigs?

Third he didn't end it for someone else. This I know for a fact

April 1, 2011

Why even bother to torment yourself? If someone is looking to break up with you, they'll keep looking for a "reason" in order to justify breaking up with you. And if they love you, then there can never be a reason to end it.

Reasons are merely excuses because people don't have the balls to be honest. How many times have you heard a woman say to you:

"I need space"
"I don't know what I want"
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now"
"I'm very busy, I don't have time to date"
"I need to find myself" (whatever the hell that means)
"I'm just not ready"
"You deserve someone better than me"

The truth is, all the above reasons are nothing more than pure BS. 99% of the time, they already have someone in mind and are merely breaking up with you due to GIGS, assuming you're a normal guy who treated her with respect.

I got

"I may sound selfish to say that I'm not ready to give up in the search to

find someone whom I can truly share my inspiration and goals in life. I want

to live my life fully and passionately, and to do so I won't settle with

something in a middle ground. You may think I'm a fool, but I think thats how

I am."

April 1, 2011

this really isn't one of those cases. He really is an extraordinary man. Generous, brilliant, great career, humble, I can go on and on. Everyone around was like "where did you find him?" I was so proud. I just keep kicking myself - like I screwed up so badly

Everyone says that as well.

Understand... I am not trying to belittle your experience, but as I said before...I can't really trust your judgment, neither should you only one week post break up. If after 6 months to a year you still have the same sentiments then I would be willing to accept it as an objective view point but for now...it follows the SAME pattern that every other dumpee goes through.

Plus the fact is: you're viewing him as this person you are proud of and from this stance of "he is so worthy" and you're not. Aka: pedestal. You're kicking yourself and saying you screwed up....which the funny thing is, in other threads you point out his flaws, but now he is seeming very flawless and you're putting all the blame on yourself. It is just a mind trick hon.

Questions: Do you really believe something meant to be can so easily go away?

Do you believe that someone whom you were meant to be with you would have to be perfect or be the one to convince them to stay?

Your ex was not confused like some people's exes or ran off without a word....he truly sat down and wrote a thoughtful and long email detailing in a very grounded manner that while you were great, you simply weren't for him and he feels like he would be settling by being with you. Now tell me....the man meant for you, do you think he would feel this way? At best he may be confused...he may be unsure....he may run away and return but he most likely won't seem to have thoughtfully assessed the situation, called you great and told you that he just simply can't spend the rest of his life with you. I have amazing intuition and I truly sense that your ex is a man that knows what he wants and realized that your path and his were not compatible. Rejection hurts like a biatch...but not because you're not on his path means you should damnn it all to hell and believe that if you can't be on his then no other path is good enough.

While he may have been a great guy and even thought you were great...the relationship itself was not the ultimate. It was a nice practice along the way but you can definitely go higher, by finding a man who will choose you wholeheartedly and instead of saying he is sure he can find better, he like you feels he must have you forever. It may have been your best to date...but you CANNOT possibly claim to know the future and tell me that you won't find someone else. You don't know that. Is it easy to find quality? No...but what is yours is yours and it comes to you and what's yours stays with you. My friend says this and I believe it wholeheartedly "You don't have to cling to what is meant for you. You can let go. It'll stick around."

You're going through the mind trick that makes you take all the blame and guilt of chasing this person on a pedestal away....it's normal...and I actually expect you to disagree and tell me how he was so great and you'll find no other and you ruined it all and so on...it's only a week so ofcourse! But again in a couple months, lets have this convo again and see if it still stands.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Beeotch

April 1, 2011

Everyone says that as well.

Understand... I am not trying to belittle your experience, but as I said before...I can't really trust your judgment, neither should you only one week post break up. If after 6 months to a year you still have the same sentiments then I would be willing to accept it as an objective view point but for now...it follows the SAME pattern that every other dumpee goes through.

Plus the fact is: you're viewing him as this person you are proud of and from this stance of "he is so worthy" and you're not. Aka: pedestal. You're kicking yourself and saying you screwed up....which the funny thing is, in other threads you point out his flaws, but now he is seeming very flawless and you're putting all the blame on yourself. It is just a mind trick hon.

Question: do you really believe something meant to be can so easily go away? Do you believe that someone whom you were meant to be with you would have to be perfect or be the one to convince them to stay? Your ex was not confused like some people's exes or ran off without a word....he truly sat down and wrote a thoughtful and long email detailing in a very grounded manner that while you were great, you simply weren't for him and he feels like he would be settling by being with you. Now tell me....the man meant for you, do you think he would feel this way? At best he may be confused...he may be unsure....he may run away and return but he most likely won't seem to have thoughtfully assessed the situation, called you great and told you that he just simply can't spend the rest of his life with you. I have amazing intuition and I truly sense that your ex is a man that knows what he wants and realized that your path and his were not compatible. Rejection hurts like a biatch...but not because you're not on his path means you should damnn it all to hell and believe that the apth meant for you and the man on it aren't good.

While he may have been a great guy and even thought you were great...the relationship itself was not the ultimate. It was a nice practice along the way but you can definitely go higher, by finding a man who will choose you wholeheartedly and instead of saying he is sure he can find better, he like you feels he must have you forever. It may have been your best to date...but you CANNOT possibly claim to know the future and tell me that you won't find someone else. You don't know that. Is it easy to find quality? No...but what is yours is yours and it comes to you and what's yours stays with you. My friend says this and I believe it wholeheartedly "You don't have to cling to what is meant for you. You can let go. It'll stick around."

You're going through the mind trick that makes you take all the blame and guilt of chasing this person on a pedestal away....it's normal...and I actually expect you to disagree and tell me how he was so great and you'll find no other and you ruined it all and so on...it's only a week so ofcourse! But again in a couple months, lets have this convo again and see if it still stands.

Your response really touched me , thank you. I just feel like he wouldn't have gone away or thought he was settling if I did things differently I guess is what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking.

April 1, 2011

well first of all I'm a woman. second of all wtf is gigs?

Third he didn't end it for someone else. This I know for a fact

GIGS is grass is green (on the other side) syndrome, meaning the ex believes they can do much better than you and they are selling themselves short by being with you in a romantic capacity and that they are somehow settling.

And according to your exes own words, sounds to me that he basically said he would be "settling" if he stayed with you. Let me make it more clear. He's saying he's too good for you or that you're not good enough for him.

And lastly, how would you know if he has or hadn't met someone? And even if he did, why would he tell you? Maybe he's keeping it a secret until some time goes by so no one will think he's a scumbag or he's keeping it away from you so as to not hurt your feelings.

April 1, 2011

Everyone says that as well.

Your ex was not confused like some people's exes or ran off without a word....he truly sat down and wrote a thoughtful and long email detailing in a very grounded manner that while you were great, you simply weren't for him and he feels like he would be settling by being with you. Now tell me....the man meant for you, do you think he would feel this way? At best he may be confused...he may be unsure....he may run away and return but he most likely won't seem to have thoughtfully assessed the situation, called you great and told you that he just simply can't spend the rest of his life with you. I have amazing intuition and I truly sense that your ex is a man that knows what he wants and realized that your path and his were not compatible. Rejection hurts like a biatch...but not because you're not on his path means you should damnn it all to hell and believe that if you can't be on his then no other path is good enough.

Like what is his path? I mean I don't understand that. We wanted the same things for the future. I just can't grasp it.

April 1, 2011

Like what is his path? I mean I don't understand that. We wanted the same things for the future. I just can't grasp it.

April 1, 2011

I keep telling myself if I had done this or that differently, responded differently to something that he wouldn't have ended it. Is that normal?

Yup, that's part of healing.

Don't stay in that cycle for too long though, okay? You have to start becoming proactive in snapping yourself out of it.

April 1, 2011

GIGS is grass is green (on the other side) syndrome, meaning the ex believes they can do much better than you and they are selling themselves short by being with you in a romantic capacity and that they are somehow settling.

And according to your exes own words, sounds to me that he basically said he would be "settling" if he stayed with you. Let me make it more clear. He's saying he's too good for you or that you're not good enough for him.

And lastly, how would you know if he has or hadn't met someone? And even if he did, why would he tell you? Maybe he's keeping it a secret until some time goes by so no one will think he's a scumbag or he's keeping it away from you so as to not hurt your feelings.

I don't think he did because that would go against everything he stands for. He just isn't that kind of guy.

But you are right on about everything else.

April 1, 2011

It's okay to feel this way, I had this stage before, thinking to myself if I didn't do this, if I didn't do that, if I didn't say this and that.

However, we are human beings, we are prone to making mistakes.

Doesn't he make mistakes too? Therefore, don't blame yourself too much.

"Like what is his path? I mean I don't understand that. We wanted the same things for the future. I just can't grasp it."

Both you and him used to want the same things for the future, however, today, he wants different things.

As much as you thought about what he was, today he no longer is.

You may not feel this way now, believe me and yourself, you will be fine, the light at the end of the tunnel is always waiting for you.

April 1, 2011

GIGS is grass is green (on the other side) syndrome, meaning the ex believes they can do much better than you and they are selling themselves short by being with you in a romantic capacity and that they are somehow settling.

And according to your exes own words, sounds to me that he basically said he would be "settling" if he stayed with you. Let me make it more clear. He's saying he's too good for you or that you're not good enough for him.

And lastly, how would you know if he has or hadn't met someone? And even if he did, why would he tell you? Maybe he's keeping it a secret until some time goes by so no one will think he's a scumbag or he's keeping it away from you so as to not hurt your feelings.

How long ago have you broken up?

Anyway, I think this mentality that everybody who breaks up with someone is secretly some slime with another man/woman on the side, is a heartless Satan incarnate, who thinks they are too good...is very one-sided.

Sure some people are like that...but the point is...people break up. It is a natural cycle like death and being born. We should be happy that we break up as your middle school boyfriend/girlfriend who you loved so much probably wouldn't be the best for you to be with for all eternity. Relationships are our greatest teachers and often we need more than one...so things often come to a natural halt or are forced to a halt..but nonetheless it is for our growth.

So yea...when one is bitter I understand the mentality that all exes/dumpers are good for nothing and are less than normal people with good intentions. But one who truly understands life and its complexity and who has truly grown realizes...you may be a dumper too one day and everything has a rhythm, all endings are also new beginnings and while heartbreaking things often happen as they should and every ex/dumper is not this demon out to ruin the dumpees life with his/her lies. We all have to play our role in how things unfold that ultimately lead to moving forward....

I've ended it with people and people have ended it with me...in our human capacity we all eff up and sometimes handle things wrongly...but I know I was never secretly dating someone else or thought I was too good...I just simply realized we were not headed in the same direction. It hurt me...but I had to let it go and it worked out for the best...likewise exes who have left me, even those who did on bad terms...it still works out for the best and I can view them as a human like myself and not the monsters you speak of them as.

Just another side of the coin

April 1, 2011

GIGS is grass is green (on the other side) syndrome, meaning the ex believes they can do much better than you and they are selling themselves short by being with you in a romantic capacity and that they are somehow settling.

And according to your exes own words, sounds to me that he basically said he would be "settling" if he stayed with you. Let me make it more clear. He's saying he's too good for you or that you're not good enough for him.

And lastly, how would you know if he has or hadn't met someone? And even if he did, why would he tell you? Maybe he's keeping it a secret until some time goes by so no one will think he's a scumbag or he's keeping it away from you so as to not hurt your feelings.

After everything I'm still very surprised he said that to me about settling. He always told me that I was/am good enough (in general) , that I shouldn't be down on myself and than he goes and says an awful thing like that.

April 1, 2011

I don't think he did because that would go against everything he stands for. He just isn't that kind of guy.

But you are right on about everything else.

Don't be blinded by emotion Ms. Sunshine. I've been around the block more than a few times and in I can tell you that in love and war "all is fair".

If your relationship was happy, loving, committed, loyal, devoted, and generally great why would ANYONE, not just him, start overanalyzing everything and wake up one day and say:

"Hey, you know what? Everything is fantastic, but I think I can do better and am selling myself short. So I'm going to dump my current girlfriend for no particular reason of her own and be alone with no guarantee of finding anyone anytime soon"

That's like a guy thinking he deserves a Ferrari, whilst driving his Honda Accord saying "I'm in the middle of nowhere, but I really do deserve a Ferrari. So I'm going to abandon this Honda and walk the next 100 miles until a Ferrari shows up"

Let's be realistic...

April 1, 2011

Don't be blinded by emotion Ms. Sunshine. I've been around the block more than a few times and in I can tell you that in love and war "all is fair".

If your relationship was happy, loving, committed, loyal, devoted, and generally great why would ANYONE, not just him, start overanalyzing everything and wake up one day and say:

"Hey, you know what? Everything is fantastic, but I think I can do better and am selling myself short. So I'm going to dump my current girlfriend for no particular reason of her own and be alone with no guarantee of finding anyone anytime soon"

That's like a guy thinking he deserves a Ferrari, whilst driving his Honda Accord saying "I'm in the middle of nowhere, but I really do deserve a Ferrari. So I'm going to abandon this Honda and walk the next 100 miles until a Ferrari shows up"

Let's be realistic...

you are entitled to your opinion. But I know in my case it wasn't someone else.

April 1, 2011

It's okay to feel this way, I had this stage before, thinking to myself if I didn't do this, if I didn't do that, if I didn't say this and that.

However, we are human beings, we are prone to making mistakes.

Doesn't he make mistakes too? Therefore, don't blame yourself too much.

"Like what is his path? I mean I don't understand that. We wanted the same things for the future. I just can't grasp it."

Both you and him used to want the same things for the future, however, today, he wants different things.

As much as you thought about what he was, today he no longer is.

You may not feel this way now, believe me and yourself, you will be fine, the light at the end of the tunnel is always waiting for you.

thanks Fufu. I'm trying to think that.

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Normal to question if things done differently, could have prevented breakup?

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