Jerrica Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 So, after my boyfriend broke up with me, I was devastated. He was being nice and civil, would ask how I was doing (but I remained in NC) then after time passed we did LC as he had to get his stuff from my house. He was very lazy in getting his stuff, would come take a couple things, leave the rest....to the point where I had to give him a strict deadline. As soon as he realized I was moving on, he did a complete 180. No longer nice, and now he HATES me!!!!!! When I ask him about him getting his stuff, he replies with anger, name calling and verbal abuse (never seen this side of him). such as "go f*ck yourself and then go on with your merry life" So, just wanted to add my two cents in on reversing a breakup....they don't always come crawling back and you may end up with a very angry ex who now hates you even though they were the ones who ended it.....and it doesn't feel so nice!
lcfc1993 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Hes angry and bitter because he wants you to reply. Basically he wants you to want him, but he doesn't want you back. He wants a dog, someone who will always come back to him when he calls. Your not that dog, so ignore him and move on.
SingVoice Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Jerrica- I've been kinda following your story on here. And as MUCH as I feel for you...in a way...you have to be SOOOO glad that you didn't end up with someone who OBVIOUSLY has anger issues. I dated someone for 3 years who did a GREAT job at hiding his anger issues...but they came out. And it was scary. Sounds like your ex is a little bit mentally unstable. Those things ALWAYS come out. Have you gotten rid of his stuff? (Also...you should take a LITTLE bit of solace in the fact that you moving on is driving him crazy.)
Author Jerrica Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 believe it or not, I actually had to get his MOM involved for him to get his stuff. So they are both coming tomorrow while I'm at work. He is not happy about it! I did send him a reply (couple days later) sticking up for myself after the verbal abuse, just saying something along the lines of - I will not tolerate this, you are being immature and it's uncalled for. It's unfortunate you have so much hate towards me as I am only trying to do what's best for ME. I have never really stuck up for myself before, as he was so good at switching the blame I'd usually end up apologizing. he said Do not contact me again, I know I should be thankful of that. But reverse psychology works because after he said that the first thing I wanted to do was to contact him! ugh....unfortunately I did, but just said a friendly email about how I hated this version of him, and that I hope he overcomes all his anger and hate. he replied and said "sorry". he was just so nice when we broke up and for a couple weeks afterward, it would just be nice to at least get an apology for his immature behavior. I definitely did NOT expect him to get this angry!!! especially if it's what he wanted. such a hard time right now....I will admit, I'm sad to see his stuff finally go... I do believe he is mentally unstable, and definitely has anger issues (he has broken many things in my house).
Fufu Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Maybe he is mentally stable. However, does it matter? He chose to leave you, now you can always chose to move on and be happy. I hope you have convinced yourself to start NC. You can do it...
D-Lish Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I think he's hoping for you to beg and plead, and seeing that you won't distress's him- he sees that he's losing control and that doesn't sit well with him. You're now in control of the break up- asking him to clear the rest of his things out- and not giving in to the BS. Hey, he wanted this, he's getting it, he just never banked on you being the strong one in all of this.
danrs Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I think he's hoping for you to beg and plead, and seeing that you won't distress's him- he sees that he's losing control and that doesn't sit well with him. You're now in control of the break up- asking him to clear the rest of his things out- and not giving in to the BS. Hey, he wanted this, he's getting it, he just never banked on you being the strong one in all of this. Jerrica, I've been following your story, and D-Lish is spot on. I said it before, and I'll say it again....you're acting completely different than he expected, you are moving on, and he doesn't know how to take it. You've hit him right where it hurts most...his ego. And he's trying to lash back at you with anger to hurt you right back. Don't give into it! He's trying to get a response from you to make himself feel better. He wants you to continue to want him, even though he treated you like crap (and he knows he did), and the fact you are moving on is driving him bat chit. As a result he's trying to heap more hurt upon you on top of the hurt he knew he was causing when he walked away from you. Why? Because you're not chasing after "Mr. Wonderful" as he envisions himself. He's done nothing but come up with lame azzed excuses why he couldn't get his things out of your place. They are nothing but that, excuses. He DOES NOT WANT YOU TO MOVE ON so he can keep you on the backburner. The fact you are moving on, and doing so in a serious way is just something he did not see coming, and something he can't handle. His anger to me tells me he is quite shocked you decided you could so easily move on from "Mr. Wonderful". He ditched you, but now you've turned the tables on him. The guy who threw you on the trash heap is suddenly feeling like you feel like he's no longer worthy of your time or consideration. And he can't take it. So what does he do? Responds angrily because you're hurting him now. Keep doing just as you are, except stop responding to him at all. I hope you don't want it and this time has given you an opportunity to see him for the apparent azz he is (your love for this "azz" not withstanding), but realize that in a few months (if not sooner) you're likely to have a sobbing wreck of a "man" on your doorstep begging for another chance. I'd just about bet my next paycheck on it in light of what you're telling us. Stay strong. You're doing wonderfully. He didn't care about your feelings when he "dumped" you (not the quotation marks) believing you'd be there when he was ready to come back. So you can't concern yourself with his feelings now. Take care of you and continue moving on. He took your inner strength for granted (or belived you had none). You're not going to prove him correct now, are you? You are dealing from a position of strength now. Don't lose that. Know what it feels like to be a strong woman. Know that solid MEN are attracted to a strong woman. I guarantee you'll enjoy the feeling. I know you don't have a lot to feel good about now, but in time, you'll look back on this and be so proud of yourself.
SingVoice Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 WOW Jerrica....he had all those anger problems and you still stuck by him? Having dealt with a similar person...all I can say is...during our relationship...he had obvious anger problems...and tried to blame ME for all of it. For months I thought that I couldn't be open or loving to him because of something with me. I felt like crap all the time. He would throw things...belittle me...yell at me about EVERYTHING. (My favorite was when he yelled at me because I made him pancakes one morning and put too much syrup on them.) I think if he had all these anger issues before...he was using it to beat you down and make sure you never left him (because if you felt like crap you would never leave him). And then when you basically showed him your strength...he couldn't handle it. With my ex...when I finally broke up with him and didn't run crying back...he threatened suicide. He went out and got a tattoo of me over his heart....just CRAZY stuff. And that was like 8-9 months ago. And to be honest...I am SOOOOO glad to be out of that. Any man who will use his anger against you needs therapy. Unfortunately most of them don't see themselves as the problem.
lapse Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) Someone on here a few months ago recommended a book to me that was very helpful - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" - if I get a chance a bit later this evening, I'll find some good excerpts about blaming and post them here. My ex blamed absolutely everything on me. His unhappiness, his verbal violence, his smashing inanimate objects, threats he made. Even when I explicitly said, "Your inability to take responsibility for anything you say or do is a real concern for me," he said, "Well, someone had to do something..." He just continues to rationalize why everything was my fault. He doesn't even *get* it. I explained that I could not envision living together again because, when we lived together, he had threatened numerous times to throw my stuff out in the yard and change the locks... because I would walk away for a few minutes needing space during an argument. Ya know what he said? "But you were running away. Someone had to do something." He also kicked the wheelbarrow at me and it was hilarious because his foot went through it and he scratched up his leg. Then moped at me about it. This whole "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO" after they have done something really unacceptable is just classic. Blame blame blame. The odd thing is, I think there can be something intensely seductive about someone who 'needs' you so much. And that's the scary part - I am to blame for something, though it isn't at all what he says it is. Of course it's not my fault or your fault that they are emotionally abusive. One really good point that book makes is that men who are angry and emotionally abusive gain a privileged status from being that way. It has some reasons that I might never have considered. He may not be as nasty as my ex, or vice versa, but there are some common traits that persistently angry guys have in common. He is obviously, like everyone else said, flipping out because he's not in control. I know it's sad to you, but it makes me smile that you are being strong. I'm sorry you're sad. You are not alone. Edited April 1, 2011 by lapse
Movingthrough Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Honestly hes immature. Anyone that would curse like that and get all pissy because of your "merry life" is lacking in the mature department. I cant tell you how many times i wanted to "go off" on my ex because of her actions but i wasnt going to stoop to that level. Dont even give him the ammo to make those comments towards you, throw his sh*t out or bring it to him, dont let that hang over your head.
Author Jerrica Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 wow you guys, this is all exactly what I needed to hear!!! You all made me feel SO much better in my situation. Mostly because, he gets to me, his anger has worked on me for so long, it still works on me, makes me feel like the bad guy and I have on a couple occasions since the break up made the mistake of giving into his anger and replied with "well even though you hate me, I don't hate you I still care and I hope you can overcome all your hate one day" stuff like that....and I KNOW this is bad, because it gives him power and I have to STOP doing this and stay as strong as I can!!! No more rewarding his bad behavior. lapse - that book sounds like it's EXACTLY what I need to read, I will definitely have to look into that! he is coming tonight with his mom to get his stuff. Yup, mommy has to come help clean up his mess! I think in moments of weakness I am going to have to come back to this thread and read over and over to stay in my position of strength. thank you guys all so much. Wish me luck tonight, I'll keep you updated.
Movingthrough Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 he is coming tonight with his mom to get his stuff. Yup, mommy has to come help clean up his mess! I say again, immature.
SingVoice Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Jerrica- if you ever want to pm me about anything...please feel free to. Reading all your posts reminds me SOOOO much of my ex. One of these days you are going to look back and say to yourself "oh my god I can't believe i put up with that." I am a strong woman...and I say that to myself all the time. When someone abuses you they make you think YOU are the problem. I mean...really think about it...this guy threatened to KILL your dog!?!?! After every outburst with my ex it was always "oh im so sorry" blah blah blah. But deep down he didn't feel sorry. He kept doing it. Over and over. And all the while he blamed me. Your ex thinks you can't be without him because he beat you down so badly. The BEST thing you can do is to not contact him EVER again....and get revenge by BEING THE BEST YOU that you can be.
Author Jerrica Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 so update.............. he's done another 180, now he's being very civil/nice/indifferent towards me, he texted me about his stuff, said he can't come until tomorrow because his friend can't help him til tomorrow, asked me if I wanted to keep the computer. I asked if I needed to leave the house while he was there and he said "not if you don't want to" so I said, I don't care as long as I don't get called names or cursed at. Or if it's easier for you I can make other plans" he said "I won't, and I'm sorry for before. If you want to go out then go out, if you don't then don't" I said "well obviously. I just wanted to make sure there won't be a scene" and he said "there won't" where did this sudden indifference come from?!?!? I guess I'm also guilty for trying to see if he wanted me there or not without actually saying it...
Author Jerrica Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Jerrica- if you ever want to pm me about anything...please feel free to. Reading all your posts reminds me SOOOO much of my ex. One of these days you are going to look back and say to yourself "oh my god I can't believe i put up with that." I am a strong woman...and I say that to myself all the time. When someone abuses you they make you think YOU are the problem. I mean...really think about it...this guy threatened to KILL your dog!?!?! hey - I tried to PM you but couldn't figure it out? Am I too new to have that privilege? And yes, my dog was terrified, he had my dog under his arm like he was about to break his poor neck I was balling and begging him not to do it...it was awful. ALthough I don't know if he actually would have followed through. This was like several months ago, waaaay before we ever talked about breaking up. I should have probably done it then though!
SingVoice Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I just tried to send you a PM manually and it came back and said that you either had chosen not to receive PM's or that you weren't allowed. Hmm...not sure. OH MY GOD about the dog thing. I have cats....and when my ex and I broke up...there was NO way I was going to leave them with him...because I had no idea what he would do. Whether or not he would go through with it...the fact that someone would threaten to KILL your animal...ugh...honestly...that just makes me want to cry (for you!). If he has the capacity to even threaten to kill your animal...well...you can imagine where I am going with that. Honestly...this thread is bringing back a lot of the feelings I had. Jerrica....you are SO incredibly lucky to be out of this. If he hadn't ended it...you can't even imagine what he could be capable of.
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