SummersEve Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I so rarely hear this, just wondering what people will say. What was YOUR fault about your marriage falling apart? (*NO fair saying things that are really veiled compliments of yourself, or veiled slams against your spouse, lol)
willowthewisp Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Sometimes it only takes one! That isn't an excuse, sometimes that really is the truth, when one partner has their own issues they refuse to acknowledge or address. For example, alcholic spouse, other spouse had no control, can do everything right, can try everything. If one spouse has their own issues and refuses to address them the other spouse is powerless but they did not have any fault in the breakdown of the marriage.
mark982 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 honestly, the only thing i can see i did wrong, and i've reflected years on this. was work to much, 6 days a week 14-16 hr days. didn't spend this necessary time together i guess.
What_Next Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Geez according to both our MC there was little I DIDN'T do wrong . The "huzzah" moment came to me while reading "his needs her needs" by Harley. I did not meet her needs. Pure and simple. It can be broken down and analyzed further than that, but at it's core that's it. I accept my portion of the downfall of our marriage. So does my wife. It took a while, but we both did.
lovelost93 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 My low self esteem caused my marriage to be where it is now. (2 months separated, wife has told me she wants a divorce and has/shows no interest in "working on it") What I mean by low self esteem is, that I did a lot of self-defeating things because I always thought "I'm not good enough for her, she's going to see my faults and leave me anyway...so I might as well do this". Whatever "this" is...nothing like cheating or anything...but, not helping with the daily activities of raising our children, or going out to the bar after softball...etc....
EyesWideOpen Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I let the little things get to me. Everything was the icing on the cake, and I was always on edge. But in my defense, if there weren't those serious underlying issues...there wouldn't have been any cake to top, would there have? I honestly don't think it would have changed anything had I learned to let the smaller battles go. The root problems would still be there. I agree with Willow - sometimes it really does only take one person. The anger aside, I did everything I possibly could've to fix my marriage. It was the other half who wasn't trying. I guess the other thing is that I stayed around too long. I got to a point where I was ALWAYS fuming angry. Looking back, I was harsh towards the end...and it didn't do any good. It just hurt both of us. He the recipient of all that anger, and me constantly just hardening myself more and more each day. Plus, after years...it became the norm. Perhaps if I had separated sooner/early on, it would have been enough of a reality check for him before I had hit a point of not even wanting to try anymore.
Woggle Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Maybe I spent too much time on building a life for us rather than being spontaneous and romantic but that is all I can think of. I can't see any excuse for the way she acted and the fact that is in prison right now sort of vindicates me.
willowthewisp Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Maybe I spent too much time on building a life for us rather than being spontaneous and romantic but that is all I can think of. I can't see any excuse for the way she acted and the fact that is in prison right now sort of vindicates me. Woggle, if ever there was an extreme example of when one party was at fault with non to the other, it is your XW! Seriously, you did NOTHING! Didn't the women go around brandishing a gun and robbing stores or something? I'm sorry I forget the exact details.
2sunny Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 i failed to recognize that he simply didn't know how to be faithful and/or emotionally available. i tried to pretend that it was enough for him to look good, provide money and be physically present. in the end i expected something he wasn't capable of providing... and never would become any of those things i needed. he was very empty. me trying to show him what love was didn't do it. the more i loved = the more he took that as a weakness and an opportunity to hurt me.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 What did I do wrong... well I lost my job for one. That put stress on the relationship even though I was getting unemployment and still pulling my weight as far as bills went. I wasn't having any luck finding another which upset my exH for whatever reason. I had EEOC and possible legal mess which got me upset with the world and I was often frustrated about that on top of not having a job but trying so hard to find one. I needed to work on my anger issues and the ways I handled anger. I would withdraw for a couple days so I wouldn't lose temper and yell at exH. He probably took it as silent treatment. I was stubborn, I thought I was always right. Kinda hurts to have to admit these sort of things but I have learned a lot from getting abandoned and divorced I guess.
Ballerfamily Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Not sure. I'm really not sure. Most of what I did and reacted to was a supposed affair 18 yrs ago. It tore me to the inner core. I confronted, she denied. I had eveidence. We just had a baby boy. I didn't want to ruin my family. I dealt with it every day till I was divorced. I had no idea at that time of anything being wrong. I worked hard, built a house with my own hands, and put an inground swimming pool just for my ex. Then went out and bought her the car of her dreams, a "94" convertable mustang. And worshiped the ground she walked on. And worked, and worked, and worked, and then raised my boy and coached him ,etc. I took my ex out on dates every weekend. Never, ever, left her by herself and went with the boys. 17 yrs later, affair (2)/(3)/(4). That was it. I went off. I exposed. She has made my life hell ever since. The most I could get from her was 18 yrs ago, while I was building home in my spare time(in time for little boy) she took a walk out our lane and decided things had to change. After working a 10 hr day, and then working on our home till dark, she said I laughed. And that is where it started. And thats the truth
blizzard Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'm not trying to funny...but I was wrong in marrying him. Period. After 6yrs of dating/living together, I thought it was just the next thing to do. We had issues back then that I brushed off. I was hoping I could change him. Marriage could change him. He would grow to love me the way I needed to be loved. Although I gave him an ultimatum, he finally asked me to marry him. My self-esteem was crap. And I hadn't dated much before him. Three weeks before we married, he went out and bought a brand new sports car with consulting me...THAT should have been the red flag. ARGH! I was so naive.
2.50 a gallon Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) My biggest mistake was falling in love with her. When we met I was a selfish, bad boy, player, with lots of friends with benefits. I drank, I partied, I chased the latest flavor of the month. She even caught me in bed a couple of times, including with one of her friends. For some reason she set her cap for me, wanted to be on my list of party girls. I thought her as too young and a college drop out, and got her to go back to school to get her degree, with the thought that maybe we could get serious when she got her degree. She was quite sexy and used her sexuality to slowly rope me in. It was any place, any time, anywhere. When you are pushing past 30 and you have this dynamite 19 year old chasing you, . . . She went back to school, and I slowly quit chasing other women. And when she graduated, I was sort of put in the position of following through I really did not think that she would show up at the wedding. And when I saw this stunningly beautiful woman walking down the aisle to be my bride, I totally fell in love with her. Vestigial thoughts of home and family that had been left on my brain from the former fiance resurfaced and I changed from a player to a wannabee family man. Plain and simple, I changed. What I did not realize at that time, was that her estranged, alcoholic father was also part of the equation. So when I quit drinking, trimmed my long hair, shaved my beard to look for a new job and I became reliable and devoted family man, I introduced her into an environment that was totally alien to her. It was too much of a change too quick and our relationship went on a down hill slide shortly after the honeymoon. Edited April 1, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon missing word
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Lots of things. When we first met I had lots of friends that I hung out with, and I spent LOTS of time heavily involved in many hobbies. That became an issue after we had kids and bought a house that needed lots of work. I cut WAY back on friends and hobbies, but it was never enough and half the time she would tell me to go out and do things and the other half of the time she would get angry and offended that I was "choosing" them over her. The biggest thing I did was lying about my growing debt. She made it clear to me when we got together that financial responsibility was a "deal breaker" for her. She wanted to do shared finances and I didn't want someone telling me what I could/couldn't do. Over the course of the next 4 years of marriage, my debt went from $13k to $40k. I just never said "I can't afford it." I never told her because I was afraid that it would destroy us and was SURE that I could fix it myself. I was spending the money on things for the house, for us (vacations, dinners, etc.) and for the kids, so it wasn't like I was going out partying, etc. When she would get stressed about her finances I would step in, tell her not to worry and that I would help out, take care of things, etc. After she finally found out, she was ready to get D. I spent the next 8 months fighting my debt, fighting for my family, doing EVERYTHING around the house, spending all my time with her and the kids, selling off all of my gear, working every freelance job I could get, going to financial counseling, taking the blame in every argument, giving in on every point, etc. By the time she finally "came around" I had already built an emotional wall because of all the pain I had felt about the fact that I had broken my family apart because of my irresponsibility. I had dealt with her being extremely unkind to me, flaunting her "freedom" from our relationship and telling me constantly that it was all my fault. Every disagreement or argument we had always came back to my lying and my poor financial decisions. After she decided we could try again and she apologized for being so mean, I never committed myself to the relationship again. I stayed focused on getting out of debt, taking care of things around the house and helping with the kids. I did get back into some hobbies, which she didn't like but I stuck to paying off the debt and being financially responsible as well. I have always been a romantic, and have always been very physical. She was never very interested or "adventurous" sexually, although we both enjoyed it when we had it. She told me that she was feeling "lonely" and I tried spending more time with her, but the "time" we spent together was usually just watching TV while I tickled her back. We never really talked about our feelings, fears, etc. Her father passed away over the summer and I was completely "there" for her, I read the eulogy at the funeral and tried to support her needs however I could, but she was very affected by his passing and got more distant. She seemed more open to me going out and doing things which seemed like a positive step for me and I thought that maybe she was just getting some perspective on the "importance" of living life and not stressing so much about the little things. When she finally met OM and told me the M was over, I came up with a list of a dozen things we could try, activities, exercises, MC, dates, etc. but it was too late at that point. She found someone willing to give her the attention she wanted without having to work out any "problems"...at least for now. So, I did LOTS of things wrong. I learned LOTS of things about myself, about relationships and about what it takes to REALLY make things work. I hope I can carry that knowledge forward into my next relationship. Good topic! Thanks!!
blizzard Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I'm not trying to funny...but I was wrong in marrying him. Period. After 6yrs of dating/living together, I thought it was just the next thing to do. We had issues back then that I brushed off. I was hoping I could change him. Marriage could change him. He would grow to love me the way I needed to be loved. Although I gave him an ultimatum, he finally asked me to marry him. My self-esteem was crap. And I hadn't dated much before him. Three weeks before we married, he went out and bought a brand new sports car with consulting me...THAT should have been the red flag. ARGH! I was so naive. I was so sleepy when I wrote this... the last bolded part should be "without" consulting me.
Woggle Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Woggle, if ever there was an extreme example of when one party was at fault with non to the other, it is your XW! Seriously, you did NOTHING! Didn't the women go around brandishing a gun and robbing stores or something? I'm sorry I forget the exact details. She is in prison for trying to rob a Dunkin Donuts. I know I am not to blame but that is the only complaint I can possible think of. That and the fact that when she would get violent and start smashing things I would leave and come back a few hours later. The only thing I did wrong was try and take a drama addict and build a healthy life with her. We were two troubled kids from troubled backgrounds and it was us against the world but when I actually started building a future for us she couldn't handle and wanted to throw some craziness into the mix. This and other examples in this thread that a man should always find a woman who already has a good head on her shoulders instead of trying to rescue people.
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