Author lovelost93 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 i'd suggest accepting that she is done. get busy living instead of trying to force her to read, get counseling, and change. YOU can change YOU... not her. her intention is divorce - accept that - and move forward. find a new kind of happy- for YOU. let go of the past... it obviously hasn't worked. I'd agree with what you are saying. Hardest part is 1/2 of my life we have been together. That's a long time. It's been 8 weeks since she told me she wanted to separate, seems a lot longer than that ago. I'm accepting the fact that she hasn't "tried" one bit, that she has "expected" her "feelings" to change but, has done nothing different to change those feelings...except be physically and emotionally away from me. That's not how you come back together at all. I know I can't change her at all, it's just hard to accept that after all of this time, all that we've been through and 5 year beautiful, that she's this selfish to end it all. Just like that.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'd agree with what you are saying. Hardest part is 1/2 of my life we have been together. That's a long time. It's been 8 weeks since she told me she wanted to separate, seems a lot longer than that ago. I'm accepting the fact that she hasn't "tried" one bit, that she has "expected" her "feelings" to change but, has done nothing different to change those feelings...except be physically and emotionally away from me. That's not how you come back together at all. I know I can't change her at all, it's just hard to accept that after all of this time, all that we've been through and 5 year beautiful, that she's this selfish to end it all. Just like that. she is selfish. she's proving that. i understand your pain - i was married 20 years... when i accepted my new reality - it was easier to understand i could be happy on my own. to wait to see if she might wake up - knowing it's not likely - is being at the mercy of her... and that is not good. find out from an attorney what you need to be doing - then DO those things. in the meantime... find hobbies and friends to keep you busy.
Author lovelost93 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 she is selfish. she's proving that. i understand your pain - i was married 20 years... when i accepted my new reality - it was easier to understand i could be happy on my own. to wait to see if she might wake up - knowing it's not likely - is being at the mercy of her... and that is not good. find out from an attorney what you need to be doing - then DO those things. in the meantime... find hobbies and friends to keep you busy. I am pretty sick of sitting around waiting for her to "wake up". She's not going to... I do need to contact an attorney and see what kind of options I have, next steps, etc... Thanks.
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 If you want to find out if she has OM there are ways I beleive from reading on here. Keyloggers on computer, one guy posted about a device that looks like a mobile phone but is actually a tracking device that you can put in her car, purse etc. Apparently you can call it and it will discretly answer and you can hear her conversations. I know some people will say this is wrong and spying etc but lets face it if she is is cheating and planning on taking your child away...
Tiberius Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) Why does she want a divorce? Did she say anything about it? You did not say anything about it. Did you do something wrong you are not saying on here? What were the reasons she gave, if any? Also why are you paying half? I thought everybody takes on the bills as he she can, if you earn only 2/3rds of what she earns, she should pay more than half and you less. Edited April 1, 2011 by Tiberius
Author lovelost93 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 If you want to find out if she has OM there are ways I beleive from reading on here. Keyloggers on computer, one guy posted about a device that looks like a mobile phone but is actually a tracking device that you can put in her car, purse etc. Apparently you can call it and it will discretly answer and you can hear her conversations. I know some people will say this is wrong and spying etc but lets face it if she is is cheating and planning on taking your child away... Does it really matter if she's cheating now or not?? She cannot legally take my child away, either...and I honestly dont think she's going to leave because of her job - she will not be able to get the same job anywhere else, and it's her "1st priority".
Author lovelost93 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Why does she want a divorce? Did she say anything about it? You did not say anything about it. Did you do something wrong you are not saying on here? What were the reasons she gave, if any? Also why are you paying half? I thought everybody takes on the bills as he she can, if you earn only 2/3rds of what she earns, she should pay more than half and you less. She said she's "happier when I'm not around" that she's "tired of waiting for me to grow up", that "she's tired of my emotions/moody/etc". I'm not necessarily paying 1/2...I'm paying 1/2 of the house but, the other bills, I'm only paying a part of it.
carhill Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 IMO, it's healthier to stay in the historical marital and family home and provide as stable a household for your daughter as possible. Yes, that may mean renegotiating with the bank; it may mean a short-sale; it may mean weathering a foreclosure and/or bankruptcy. There are a lot of options, many of which evolve over weeks and months. This is one of those life circumstances where you put yourself and your daughter first and everything and everyone else second. Do what you have to do. ETA: If she's on the mortgage, the bank will go after her too, regardless of marital status. She said she'd move out. OK, let's go. She can move this weekend.
Owl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What's YOUR goal? I've seen you post repeatedly about what she's said she wants...but I don't see anything here about what YOU want to come out of all this? Figure out your goal. Determine what steps you need to take to get to your goal. Plan out those steps. Implement your plan. Stop worrying about what SHE wants...start focusing on what YOU want.
Author lovelost93 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 What's YOUR goal? I've seen you post repeatedly about what she's said she wants...but I don't see anything here about what YOU want to come out of all this? Figure out your goal. Determine what steps you need to take to get to your goal. Plan out those steps. Implement your plan. Stop worrying about what SHE wants...start focusing on what YOU want. My goal? My goal is to have my family back - but, only if we can be a more loving couple. It's pretty simple to me...we just need more intimacy - not sex, intimacy. Sitting next to each other, those tight hugs that you know means something, etc... It really seems like simple little things that we can do to get back together...but, she's totally resistant. She told my SIL yesterday that she was more sure that this is what she wanted than when we separated.
Author lovelost93 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 IMO, it's healthier to stay in the historical marital and family home and provide as stable a household for your daughter as possible. Yes, that may mean renegotiating with the bank; it may mean a short-sale; it may mean weathering a foreclosure and/or bankruptcy. There are a lot of options, many of which evolve over weeks and months. This is one of those life circumstances where you put yourself and your daughter first and everything and everyone else second. Do what you have to do. ETA: If she's on the mortgage, the bank will go after her too, regardless of marital status. She said she'd move out. OK, let's go. She can move this weekend. I agree that it would be better for my daughter to stay in that house. That's the only house she's lived in. However, it's not a house that I want to live in by myself. There's no need for me to live in a 3000 sq feet, 4 BR 2 1/2 BA house by myself. She is on the mortgage as well...in fact, she's the primary on the loan - it's through the bank that she works at.
Owl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 My goal? My goal is to have my family back - but, only if we can be a more loving couple. It's pretty simple to me...we just need more intimacy - not sex, intimacy. Sitting next to each other, those tight hugs that you know means something, etc... It really seems like simple little things that we can do to get back together...but, she's totally resistant. She told my SIL yesterday that she was more sure that this is what she wanted than when we separated. OK. If this is your goal...then the next step is to figure out what steps need to happen, what changes need to take place, in order to reach this goal. What do YOU need to do to improve this area? What roadblocks to this are you likely to encounter? What can you do to mitigate those roadblocks? What do you think she'd be willing to do to improve in this area? What can you do to help her to become more willing to implement those changes in this area? What kind of outside resources can you bring to bear on the situation to improve things, to make your chances of reaching this goal more successful? Start by actually listing these things out, and assigning actual actions that can be taken to implement and deal with each thing. That becomes the basis of your plan to reach your goal.
Author lovelost93 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 If you want to get your marriage back on track you should check out this book. Couseling is ok but this works better. It has solutions and honest explainations to any issues you have. I had all sorts of advice from friends, family and a therapist but nothing was working until I read this book and understood the real issues and what was needed to get things heading in a new direction. I was on the brink of divorce and it helped me get my marriage back and we're now happy again! Hope things work out for you. 92ec9fo1p0ps7sdmkpkejpu7pb.hop.clickbank.net/ Looks like a scam to me...that link.
Author lovelost93 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 OK. If this is your goal...then the next step is to figure out what steps need to happen, what changes need to take place, in order to reach this goal. What do YOU need to do to improve this area? What roadblocks to this are you likely to encounter? What can you do to mitigate those roadblocks? What do you think she'd be willing to do to improve in this area? What can you do to help her to become more willing to implement those changes in this area? What kind of outside resources can you bring to bear on the situation to improve things, to make your chances of reaching this goal more successful? Start by actually listing these things out, and assigning actual actions that can be taken to implement and deal with each thing. That becomes the basis of your plan to reach your goal. This makes a TON of sense. I finally told her Sunday that I "accept the situation"...since then, I've been able to sleep better, am able to give her the "space" she wanted from the beginning, and notice myself much happier...and happier when talking to her. I read something that said I need to be the spouse that I want to be...that's what I'm doing...I'm being the spouse I want to be, not the one I've been. I know for the past 8 weeks prior to Sunday I was still being the needy, suffocating, lecturing (if we just do this...) person. No wonder we haven't gotten any closer to reconciliation. I've been some person that is very unattractive to not only my wife...but, to everyone else. I'm finally able to see that...
health Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 We've talked about marriage counseling...the counselor wanted to see us individually first, then together. So, I went about 4 times, then she went once, the next day we had our "joint session" and I felt completely ambushed and attacked. The next week she went to her hometown for 13 days, during which I continued IC. When she came back, she went once more by herself then the next day was a joint session (it was originally scheduled to be a IC for myself). At that session the counselor said "part of my job is to resolve things, and I think this marriage is irreconciliable" then asked my wife what she thought. To which she replied "I want a divorce". Great, thanks for the counseling, A-hole. That was exactly 2 weeks ago today...and the last time I went to that counselor. I've tried to get books for her to read - one being "The Divorce Remedy" - which she read about 15 pages and put it down. She said something about how divorce doesn't affect children adversely, etc, etc... So, then the other day I tried something a little different - bought another book called "The Love Dare" which is only 2-3 pages of reading per night, for 40 days, each day you dare yourself to do something. The first day is "be patient", the second "be patient and kind", etc... I asked her this morning if she read it...she said "no, these books are for people who want to save a marriage, I don't". The hardest part I'm having with all of this is that she never really tried... But, again...about moving back in...I'm miserable at my brothers (I love him dearly but, he lives differently than me) and just want some sleep...and it's hard on my daughter while with me too...he's got dogs that she's afraid of, that jump on her, and bark at all hours of the night (like when she's trying to sleep). A marriage can't work with one partner doing all the work looking for the help when it's needed and the other doing nothing. It looks like you've tried your damn hardest. If I were you - I'd try just a little bit harder - and then that's it! You can leave saying you gave it your all! I know I damn well did - that's the only thing you can control. Find a cuter woman who loves you for you!
Author lovelost93 Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 A marriage can't work with one partner doing all the work looking for the help when it's needed and the other doing nothing. It looks like you've tried your damn hardest. If I were you - I'd try just a little bit harder - and then that's it! You can leave saying you gave it your all! I know I damn well did - that's the only thing you can control. Find a cuter woman who loves you for you! I appreciate the response. That's what I'm doing now...trying a little harder...and honestly, I feel better - finally submitting to what is actually going on...and not being in (total) denial. I know what I've done in the frist 8 weeks (tomorrow will be the end of week 9) - which is more of most of the reasons she wanted to separate in the first place - needy, suffocating, always "my way" (lecturing, always has to right, etc...). I'm done with that...and just trying to be the spouse I want to be...for her, or someone else. Either way, I've been happier this week than I have in a LONG time - years possibly.
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