Women: Do you get upset when male friends ask you out?

[tigressA]

I've gotten to the point where I can see through a guy being my friend. Some things he'll say or do will be a dead giveaway to having a crush on me. In that case I reinforce boundaries--always hanging out in groups, no excessively long conversations, etc. I make myself scarce. If he just comes out with it and I don't feel the same--and I never do--I say "Nope, not interested" and disappear.

 

I'd like to believe that some guys, like the OP, are more honorable about it, but in my experience it just hasn't been that way at all. In every case, a guy "friend" who secretly wanted me would do things like giving me "advice" on my dating life which mostly amounted to passive-aggressively trashing any guy I was into. I did the same thing when I wanted one of my guy friends. Can anyone understand that the concept of feeling betrayed comes from the idea that everything their "friend" may have said to them now appears to have been underhandedly serving another motive?

 

I have had literally only one true guy friend who I have never had to experience any of this crap with, on either side. He's the only one I think I will ever have.

 

That being said, I agree with SummersEve about OP's situation. Be bold and accept answer.

[Mrlonelyone]

Tigress and summers

 

Can we all agree that there are at least two kinds of male female friendships.

 

The fake kind where one person or the other is trying to get romance with the other.

 

The real kind where people are really friends.

 

IMHO the real kind where the two people are really friends can and does become one where the two people are lovers without anything "underhanded" happening. Perhaps if you haven't experienced it that does not mean it's impossible.

[SummersEve]

Yes Mr. Lonely I know that it is possible.

 

Maybe it's just me, I sometimes do not like things that are ambiguous. I don't know why so I guess that's just me. I realize it might sound a touch paranoid, what can I say, lol.

Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve

[EasyHeart]

Oh golly, yet another "Can men and women be friends" thread!!!

 

Yes, ladies, pretty much all of your male "friends" would have sex with you if given the chance. Accept it. Either:

 

(1) they are pussies pretending to be your friends because they think this will somehow make you fall in love with them, or

(2) they have a wife/GF and look at you as potential side-action or

(3) they think you are worth screwing, but not worth making the effort to date you.

 

There is a huge difference between being "friends first" and being "just friends". "Friends first" means that you are dating and getting to know each other before sleeping together and starting a relationship. It is how normal, healthy people date. But it is clearly identified as "dating" by both people. "Just friends" means that neither of you would ever consider sleeping with the other person under any circumstances. It is a brother-sister type of relationship, including all the taboos associated with that kind of relationship.

[fortyninethousand322]

Yes Mr. Lonely I know that it is possible.

 

Maybe it's just me, I sometimes do not like things that are ambiguous. I don't know why so I guess that's just me. I realize it might sound a touch paranoid, what can I say, lol.

 

Well life is pretty ambiguous. Every single person you meet can end being your best friend, worst enemy, a good acquaintance, or just that guy you shoot hoops with on Thursday nights. I never worry about someone else's ulterior motives (or lack of ulterior motives). I'm not naive enough to believe that people don't have them, but as long as I'm in control of my own life I don't need to worry about what someone else is doing with their's.

[sally4sara]

I am pretty good at knowing when a guy is playing at being a friend in the hopes of eventually dating and I just stop hanging out with them. When I was single and had an interest in them in that way, I made sure they knew it and we'd date instead of some stupid dance where one or both of us pretends to be just a friend. Since I'm not single, I don't tolerate the fake friend ploy.

 

Be a real friend or get gone.

[Leeway Harris]

Oh golly, yet another "Can men and women be friends" thread!!!

 

Yes, ladies, pretty much all of your male "friends" would have sex with you if given the chance. Accept it. Either:

 

(1) they are pussies pretending to be your friends because they think this will somehow make you fall in love with them, or

(2) they have a wife/GF and look at you as potential side-action or

(3) they think you are worth screwing, but not worth making the effort to date you.

 

So, in other words, EasyHeart, when you don't want to sleep with a woman, you totally write her off as friendship material? Every single female friend you've ever had, assuming you were single at the time, you'd have slept with given half a chance? Do you just avoid women you're not attracted to in everyday life? I mean, you might end up becoming friends with one, what would you do then?

[Mrlonelyone]

Well life is pretty ambiguous. Every single person you meet can end being your best friend, worst enemy, a good acquaintance, or just that guy you shoot hoops with on Thursday nights. I never worry about someone else's ulterior motives (or lack of ulterior motives). I'm not naive enough to believe that people don't have them, but as long as I'm in control of my own life I don't need to worry about what someone else is doing with their's.

I would add to what 49322 said that a persons so called "ulterior" motives are more often than not all in the head of the person who sees them.

 

At the same time... while a friend might under certain circumstances want to have sex with you... that to me does not make the friendship any less true.

 

I wonder what all of this talk means for a bisexual like me? I suppose since I can be attracted to men and women that means I have no real friends whatsoever and must what to screw everyone? Right. :/ I'm just thinking out loud.

 

@Easyheart

 

I couldn't disagree more. I have been just friends with people that I did not initially have any sexual feelings for what so ever (male and female and everything in between).

 

What you said I don't even think is true on average.

 

Think of how many posters have written of being FWB with someone that they very occasionally have sex with... with times lasting months or years where they don't do it with at all.

 

We also have a whole forum here dedicated to making the friend-lover transition.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f15/

"Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate."

 

Finally to top that all off I appeal to the authority of peer reviewed research.

 

The challenge of sexual attraction within heterosexuals’ cross-sex friendship

Panayotis Halatsis

Panteion University of Athens, Greece

 

Abstract: This study investigated whether sexual attraction constitutes a “challenge” in cross-sex friendship, as well as the role and consequences of sexual attraction in friendship development. We present data from two studies. Study I, using detailed interviews, found three patterns of sexual attraction management. Study II, using a questionnaire, assessed important issues from Study I. The findings support the view that sexual attraction is indeed a challenge for cross-sex friends. Nevertheless, when sexual attraction is expressed, the friendship prevails in the majority of the cases. The implications of these findings in understanding the role of sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships are discussed.

 

I can cite articles like that one all day. Expressing sexual attraction within a genuine platonic friendship does not have to then end the friendship or indicate that one person or the other has "ulterior motives".

 

All of which adds up to YES men and women can be real platonic friends.

 

Perhaps those who don't believe that simply haven't experienced it yet. Just don't call those of us who claim such an experience liars.

[SummersEve]

Well life is pretty ambiguous. Every single person you meet can end being your best friend, worst enemy, a good acquaintance, or just that guy you shoot hoops with on Thursday nights. I never worry about someone else's ulterior motives (or lack of ulterior motives). I'm not naive enough to believe that people don't have them, but as long as I'm in control of my own life I don't need to worry about what someone else is doing with their's.

 

I am up there in years enough to have an idea about how life is, thanks, and not worried about what anyone else is doing with their life. Your post sounds like a lecture but it really doesn't apply to me, sorry.

 

Actually Easy Heart if I had to say one way or the other I would agree with you. I don't know why you are saying it to the ladies though, it seems to me the guys are the ones saying it's not so.

[Leeway Harris]

Why would it not be perfectly acceptable for me to do things how I liked? I don't care if it's approved of or disapproved of really.

 

Obviously you should do whatever makes you comfortable. It just seems to me like you're saying you have no use for men - 50% of the entire human race - except as romantic/sexual partners. That's fine, if you don't feel limited by that, but I would.

 

Of course it is quite possible that we all run in very different times and places and it just all varies, I don't know.

Yes, from your most recent post I get the feeling we might be from different generations, that might account for our differences in perspective on this issue.

[SummersEve]

Mr. Lonely I would not even begin to know how to be you. All the possible combinations and relationships and ... I am getting very confused.

 

So I guess you go with a whole different understanding.

 

I'm well into my forties and got married in my early twenties. It was all pretty straightforward, straightline, neatly categorized, if you see what I mean.

 

Other ways interest me, obviously, but what I also see is a lot of what looks to me like BS and it's annoying when they don't admit it. Like what Easy Heart said, you are not saying that does not commonly go on, just that it is not the only way, correct?

[SummersEve]

Another thing, whatever you all think now, I don't think marriage has changed much. Most of the married people I know don't usually have friends of the opposite gender. I think you get less idealistic and less about discovery and experimentation and ideas and friendship. Besides work it's kids, house, family. My kid in college is all about his ideas. Yeah yeah yeah I'm thinking, I went to grad school too but it's not like that later on. Thank you for depressing me. Just kidding, lol.

[fortyninethousand322]

I am up there in years enough to have an idea about how life is, thanks, and not worried about what anyone else is doing with their life. Your post sounds like a lecture but it really doesn't apply to me, sorry.

 

 

And most of your posts don't apply to me (and plenty of others) either so I guess it all comes out in the wash.

[SummersEve]

And most of your posts don't apply to me (and plenty of others) either so I guess it all comes out in the wash.

 

Okay sorry then. I thought you were directing it at me since it followed my post, and I did not understand why. Gotcha.

[mr.dream merchant]

I don't think it's meant as playing games. From what I remember the young ones of both sexes just did not really think of things from the opposite sex point of view too much, they just went along doing their thing. Hopefully with age comes more empathy for others.

 

ETA: Also it is good to have advice from the opposite sex, like on these boards. The sexes often do not think alike at all.

 

Dream Merchant, there is also the chance that the girl calling you at closing time actually "wants you" and gets her nerve up when she's drunk. I think that people like to say they themselves do everything straight up, but in reality they usually don't. For example, if you don't "run game" then would you go up to a girl you just wanted to have sex with and just say "wanna have sex?" LOL, probably not (although it would be funny to watch). ;o)

 

Didn't matter what she wanted. Don't call me at 3 a.m. because you're too drunk and are stranded. I'm not that guy.

 

A girl I just wanted to have sex with, I'd make it known to her that it's not a serious relationship I'm pursuing just casual fun. That's keeping it straight up, if she doesn't have a rock for a brain upstairs she'll understand where I'm coming from.

 

Ironic you said that. Girls who are only casual fun material still want a guy to romance her like he's actually trying to date her seriously, before she gives it up.

 

That's what my whole "Lmao I laugh!" thread is about. Easy broads trying to run game.

[murah989]

Probably totally unrelated to half the things people are saying here, but this just popped in my head.

 

When my ex and I broke up, she told me months later that she slept with two of her best friends. Although she regrets it now, part of the reason she brought it up was because of how easy it was to do.

 

From what she told me, all she had to do was say "Hey, do you want to **** me?". One of them jumped in on it, the other took a little time (probably the more honorable one).

 

What sickened me was how she just used them for sex, but became annoyed when those two guys wanted a relationship with her. I guess in her case, she knew the "roles" her friends played, and took advantage of it.

 

Please keep in mind, that my question was not geared towards " Can women and men be friends after being dumped" (which is where I see it going). Instead, it's "Should I risk a long friendship over a meaningful attraction?".

 

Ha ha, I didn't realize this was such a hot button topic

[Hurtbunny]

Interesting fishtaco. I'll need to put some thought into to how use it properly.

 

 

 

Why would you feel deceived or betrayed if a guy friend fell for you and told you about it?

 

Are girls not aware that feelings can develop over time?

 

OP - My guy friends are non distinguishable from my girl friends. They are in the 'friends category'. I would feel just as pissed if my girlfriend told me she had feelings for me 3 years into a friendship - conned and deceived.

 

I share things with my friends that I would never share with a lover. They are at a huge position of advantage and I place a lot of trust in them.

 

One a guy is a friend of mine, I would never think of him as dating potential. Ever. Absolutely no exceptions. This plays into the whole friend zone thing - once you're in the friend zone, there is no way back.

 

And the whole sneaking your way into ***** thing too - spot on. If my male friends found me attractive + dateable at the start they should have made this intention clear THEN. Their feelings developing over time is akin to someone realising they are a lesbian; these things happen, but my 'preference' is such that I do not 'date' or 'have sex' with friends. Ever.

 

This might invite a lot of criticism, and I know its probably never going to happen, but as a 24 year old single female I want my male friends to completely forget about me as a sexual being.

 

What happens a lot of the time, when this doesn't happen, I end up with no male friends. We get friendly, they show inappropriate interest and then I cut them off. No more friends.

 

In a lot of those cases though - had those guys asked me out from the get-go, I would have said yes. Its the whole 'being deceived' and trying to 'sneak in' that I don't like.

[EasyHeart]

So, in other words, EasyHeart, when you don't want to sleep with a woman, you totally write her off as friendship material?

Of course. If I don't want to sleep with her, likely she still wants to sleep with me. There are plenty of men I can be friends with; I don't need the extra complexity of being "friends" with someone with whom there is sexual interest on either (or worse, both) sides.

 

Every single female friend you've ever had, assuming you were single at the time, you'd have slept with given half a chance?

On a strictly physical level? Of course. That doesn't mean I WOULD eve sleep with them -- that would make things too complicated.

 

Do you just avoid women you're not attracted to in everyday life? I mean, you might end up becoming friends with one, what would you do then?

I don't avoid them or anyone else. But I don't seek to develop friendships with them. I have only a handful of people I consider true friends. Maybe you are confusing friends with acquaintances, colleagues, neighbors, etc.?

[mr.dream merchant]

Probably totally unrelated to half the things people are saying here, but this just popped in my head.

 

When my ex and I broke up, she told me months later that she slept with two of her best friends. Although she regrets it now, part of the reason she brought it up was because of how easy it was to do.

 

From what she told me, all she had to do was say "Hey, do you want to **** me?". One of them jumped in on it, the other took a little time (probably the more honorable one).

 

What sickened me was how she just used them for sex, but became annoyed when those two guys wanted a relationship with her. I guess in her case, she knew the "roles" her friends played, and took advantage of it.

 

Please keep in mind, that my question was not geared towards " Can women and men be friends after being dumped" (which is where I see it going). Instead, it's "Should I risk a long friendship over a meaningful attraction?".

 

Ha ha, I didn't realize this was such a hot button topic

 

Your ex sounds like a slut.

 

You see what she did there right? Her ex wasn't her man. He was just guy #1. She kept her "friends" around as options, she knew what they wanted. So when guy #1 is out of the picture, #2 and #3 - her "friends", are now up to bat.

 

This is why I'm always skeptical of a woman who's got a lot of male friends. In fact, if she does have a lot of male friends, I can't even take her seriously so I'll end up dating her with the idea in the back of my mind that it's just for fun.

[irc333]

I share things with my friends that I would never share with a lover. They are at a huge position of advantage and I place a lot of trust in them

 

Not sure I understand how this is a problem. Figured this would be one in the same.

 

INteresting, a married woman that shares personal stuff with another male friend and NOT her husband...aka - an emotional affair.

[murah989]

Your ex sounds like a slut.

 

You see what she did there right? Her ex wasn't her man. He was just guy #1. She kept her "friends" around as options, she knew what they wanted. So when guy #1 is out of the picture, #2 and #3 - her "friends", are now up to bat.

 

This is why I'm always skeptical of a woman who's got a lot of male friends. In fact, if she does have a lot of male friends, I can't even take her seriously so I'll end up dating her with the idea in the back of my mind that it's just for fun.

 

For clarification: I broke up with her....but still...

 

She complained that her other two best buddies spilled their guts out and was super upset. Yet had no beef sleeping with these other guys. That is life I suppose.

 

What frustrates me is that if a lady friend came and spilled her guts to me, or showed attraction, I'd love every second of it. To me, it means they value my friendship so much, that they want to take it to another level; risking everything to be with me. That's awesome!!!

 

But, I guess since I don't really get a lot of dates, the ones I do mean so much more to me.

 

Le sigh...For some reason, asking my friend out is just making me feel like an *******.....

[SummersEve]

Didn't matter what she wanted. Don't call me at 3 a.m. because you're too drunk and are stranded. I'm not that guy.

 

A girl I just wanted to have sex with, I'd make it known to her that it's not a serious relationship I'm pursuing just casual fun. That's keeping it straight up, if she doesn't have a rock for a brain upstairs she'll understand where I'm coming from.

 

Ironic you said that. Girls who are only casual fun material still want a guy to romance her like he's actually trying to date her seriously, before she gives it up.

 

That's what my whole "Lmao I laugh!" thread is about. Easy broads trying to run game.

 

I don't quite get why you were talking about your integrity but then you've got this kind of ugly braggy tone, but okay if you say so. I don't really know if you'd know that much about it all at 21 but again okay.

[Leeway Harris]

What sickened me was how she just used them for sex, but became annoyed when those two guys wanted a relationship with her. I guess in her case, she knew the "roles" her friends played, and took advantage of it.

Yeah, that sucks. It seems a lot of women don't feel they have to consider men's feelings in cases like this. It's like they're unable to believe that men even have feelings to consider.

 

That's partly the fault of men who maintain this sexual bravado, the whole "I will do any woman at any time, and feel good about it no matter what, because I'm a MAN, baby!"

 

Women get the idea that it's a universal male trait to approach things like that, then get annoyed when a guy turns out to have deeper feelings.

 

In fact, I never cease to be amazed at the breadth of assumptions women make about men. Of course I know that goes both ways, as many pathetic examples on this very message board have proven.

[Leeway Harris]

I share things with my friends that I would never share with a lover. They are at a huge position of advantage and I place a lot of trust in them.

 

One a guy is a friend of mine, I would never think of him as dating potential. Ever. Absolutely no exceptions. This plays into the whole friend zone thing - once you're in the friend zone, there is no way back.

 

And the whole sneaking your way into ***** thing too - spot on. If my male friends found me attractive + dateable at the start they should have made this intention clear THEN. Their feelings developing over time is akin to someone realising they are a lesbian; these things happen, but my 'preference' is such that I do not 'date' or 'have sex' with friends. Ever.

 

This might invite a lot of criticism, and I know its probably never going to happen, but as a 24 year old single female I want my male friends to completely forget about me as a sexual being. ...

 

In a lot of those cases though - had those guys asked me out from the get-go, I would have said yes. Its the whole 'being deceived' and trying to 'sneak in' that I don't like.

 

Of course. If I don't want to sleep with her, likely she still wants to sleep with me. There are plenty of men I can be friends with; I don't need the extra complexity of being "friends" with someone with whom there is sexual interest on either (or worse, both) sides.

 

On a strictly physical level? Of course. That doesn't mean I WOULD eve sleep with them -- that would make things too complicated.

 

I don't avoid them or anyone else. But I don't seek to develop friendships with them. I have only a handful of people I consider true friends. Maybe you are confusing friends with acquaintances, colleagues, neighbors, etc.?

 

Gah. Okay, whatever works for you, EasyHeart and Hurtbunny. I guess it's just a case of "Same planet, different worlds." Because the world you two live in is as alien to me as mine probably is to you.

 

Good luck with that.

[murah989]

 

Women get the idea that it's a universal male trait to approach things like that, then get annoyed when a guy turns out to have deeper feelings.

 

In fact, I never cease to be amazed at the breadth of assumptions women make about men. Of course I know that goes both ways, as many pathetic examples on this very message board have proven.

 

My ex hates men, shes a feminist. To her, all men except me are cattle.

 

When I broke up with her, she decided to use men as a means of escape. Turned all her friends into **** buddies. Then when she finally came to her senses, she started dropping her "friends" one by one because she couldn't take the pressure anymore.