interfuse Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Define pressuring you. I mean if you spent a certain amount of time together before he asked you out and said no... and he still wants to spend that time on you... would/could you feel pressured? No not like that at all. Something along the lines of, "Well, you have been looking for a guy and here I am waiting for you. You want to find someone I wish you luck, but I was right here for you. You're wasting your time. I'm done wasting mines." Something like that. I had a guy saying, "Well what about us?" And when I told him finally no he actually cried that night in his room. We're good friends now though.
somedude81 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Throwing a guilt trip on you, actually seems to be a logical move. He's already played all his cards so the only thing left is to throw that at you. "Well, you have been looking for a guy and here I am waiting for you. You want to find someone I wish you luck, but I was right here for you." To a man it makes no sense why you wouldn't want him in that way, when you are looking to date and you are friends who get along. Frankly, if a man didn't think you were datable, most likely he would have never became your friend.
fishtaco Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 So, the second you meet a guy, he has to make his intentions absolutely clear? "Hi, I'm Leeway. I'm attracted to you in a man/woman sense." Or "Hi, I'm Leeway, I want to be your friend, and nothing more. And that will never, ever change because that would be... eeeeevil!" I am absolutely bewildered by this. Yes. I'm bewildered by this too. But do you understand women? I certainly don't, and neither will I even attempt to. It's simply impossible. Just accept this as a fact. I know this is how it is, I don't need to know why. So I do what you said. I make sure I stay away from friendzone with women I could be interested in, and once I become friends, I stay friends unless the romantic interest comes from the woman -- she has to initiate. I won't. But why is it so important to date your friend when there are a lot more strangers out there for you to choose from? Dating your friend is like dating a co-worker and it's like squatting down in your living room to take a dump. If a golden egg pops out, high five from everyone. If poop comes out... oh man, what a mess. I'd say go squat some place you'll never visit again. If you get a golden egg, you can take it home. If you made poop, well, you'll never be there again anyway so who cares?
interfuse Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Throwing a guilt trip on you, actually seems to be a logical move. He's already played all his cards so the only thing left is to throw that at you. "Well, you have been looking for a guy and here I am waiting for you. You want to find someone I wish you luck, but I was right here for you." To a man it makes no sense why you wouldn't want him in that way, when you are looking to date and you are friends who get along. Frankly, if a man didn't think you were datable, most likely he would have never became your friend. A woman has a right to date or not date someone. I can't force myself to like someone. That guy lives in another state anyways. There was no way he could come see me because he can't get here so to speak. 'Course I could go over there, but I don't want to be the one ALWAYS going down there.
irc333 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Bottom line, using friendship to get to romance is a really poor strategy, and you risk pissing off the woman, who is supposedly your friend. Wasn't it noted that this woman had a boyfriend at the time these men were her friends? OF course! They HAD to be her friend..duh..she had a boyfriend. And then, when she became UN-attached, they asked her out? Makes perfect sense to me.
somedude81 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 A woman has a right to date or not date someone. I can't force myself to like someone. I'm well aware of both those points. What I was trying to get across is that, to a man, it doesn't make sense why you would just want to be his friend and not date him. Basically you like him and don't like him. That guy lives in another state anyways. There was no way he could come see me because he can't get here so to speak. 'Course I could go over there, but I don't want to be the one ALWAYS going down there. The distance is another issue entirely.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 No, it is too boring. Bend her over and run old glory up the flagpole. LOL
Mrlonelyone Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 @Somedude. Well if a woman isn't physically attracted in the least at all then she would not want to date her friend. You know "no chemistry". Being a friend to a woman does not mean you have a right to make her...wet. ________________ This idea that people who were true friends could not at some latter point become lovers is wrong to me. The idea that "chemistry" cannot develop once you get to know someone or be set aside for the sake of friendship.... I don't get that. Using "friendship" as a way to getting close to a woman is one thing. Having an attraction grow over time to a woman... then wanting to date her when you realize you are attracted is something else. There is nothing more or less honest about either attraction style. Some people need instant fireworks... other people need or can have chemistry develop over time (for a friend).
somedude81 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 As I've said several times, I'm attracted to a very large percentage of women. Also I have never had a female friend that I thought was indoable. I would have slept with or dated any one of them given the chance. What it boils down to is, if she's good enough to be my friend, she's good enough to date. If a woman had some issues that would make her undatable, I probably wouldn't be her friend either. That's why it's hard for me to understand when a girl wants to just be a guys friend. How can a guy be good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to date?
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) I guess I don't really agree, Mr. Lonely. But then my guess is you probably have a much broader understanding than most people. My guess is most of us are more.. narrow in our way of thinking or attraction. To me, I would either be attracted to a guy or else he would be friendzoned. No, they did not cross over. I think that gray area between friendship and romance so very often means being kinda used, hanging on out of hope when there is none. Just my opinion but I would say ask her on a date and accept yes or no on that, no friendship. When I was young and dated, honestly, a guy "friend" was a guy who was persistent in asking me out and whose feelings I didn't want to hurt so I'd say let's be friends. Truthfully, that usually ended up meaning I would call him if I needed a ride or a favor. Sorry. Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
Mrlonelyone Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Like I said Dude and Summers.... Everyone has different attraction styles. Sometimes and for some people chemistry has to happen right away or else. For some people chemistry happens after getting to know someone. Then there's everything in between. For me chemistry has happened right off the bat, as well as over time. I have found myself attracted intensely to people that I wasn't attracted to at first after getting to know them. Like you said my behavior may not be representative of most people. However my mother father, aunts and uncles who are married and have been for my whole life... were all "friends first", then lovers. So that way seems to be in my blood.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I guess I don't really agree, Mr. Lonely. But then my guess is you probably have a much broader understanding than most people. My guess is most of us are more.. narrow in our way of thinking or attraction. To me, I would either be attracted to a guy or else he would be friendzoned. No, they did not cross over. I think that gray area between friendship and romance so very often means being kinda used, hanging on out of hope when there is none. Just my opinion but I would say ask her on a date and accept yes or no on that, no friendship. When I was young and dated, honestly, a guy "friend" was a guy who was persistent in asking me out and whose feelings I didn't want to hurt so I'd say let's be friends. Truthfully, that usually ended up meaning I would call him if I needed a ride or a favor. Sorry. Lmao.....wow. This is a great example of why I rarely do a woman favors and take her friendship unless she's breaking me off that ass and pussy. Some young attractive women are users. Heh, one woman actually called me repeatedly at 3am because she got too drunk and needed a ride home. Lmao! No bueno! Young attractive women are bold and very audacious. Be a stand up guy and tell them "no thanks." if she isn't giving you what you want.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) Lmao.....wow. This is a great example of why I rarely do a woman favors and take her friendship unless she's breaking me off that ass and pussy. Some young attractive women are users. Heh, one woman actually called me repeatedly at 3am because she got too drunk and needed a ride home. Lmao! No bueno! Young attractive women are bold and very audacious. Be a stand up guy and tell them "no thanks." if she isn't giving you what you want. I don't think it's meant in a malicious way, but yes, I would say that you are correct. However, before you guys go holier-than-thou, be honest about how you yourselves have cadged the truth in order to try to get some. It's a cold world, lol. Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
mr.dream merchant Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I don't think it's meant in a malicious way, but yes, I would say that you are correct. However, before you guys go holier-than-thou, be honest about how you yourselves have cadged the truth in order to try to get some. It's a cold world, lol. I actually advise against "running game". Do things with integrity or don't do it at all. And yeah, women are cold. Luckily for me I've got a coat aka a spine.
Ginger Beer Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 As I've said several times, I'm attracted to a very large percentage of women. Also I have never had a female friend that I thought was indoable. I would have slept with or dated any one of them given the chance. What it boils down to is, if she's good enough to be my friend, she's good enough to date. If a woman had some issues that would make her undatable, I probably wouldn't be her friend either. That's why it's hard for me to understand when a girl wants to just be a guys friend. How can a guy be good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to date? Because he's ugly? By your logic, you'd also sleep with your male friends, yes? I've been friends with girls I don't find attractive.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) I actually advise against "running game". Do things with integrity or don't do it at all. And yeah, women are cold. Luckily for me I've got a coat aka a spine. I don't think it's meant as playing games. From what I remember the young ones of both sexes just did not really think of things from the opposite sex point of view too much, they just went along doing their thing. Hopefully with age comes more empathy for others. ETA: Also it is good to have advice from the opposite sex, like on these boards. The sexes often do not think alike at all. Dream Merchant, there is also the chance that the girl calling you at closing time actually "wants you" and gets her nerve up when she's drunk. I think that people like to say they themselves do everything straight up, but in reality they usually don't. For example, if you don't "run game" then would you go up to a girl you just wanted to have sex with and just say "wanna have sex?" LOL, probably not (although it would be funny to watch). ;o) Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
irc333 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I attempted to be friends with women, even at their request...however, it turns out, they never really wanted you to actually "stay in touch" with them. I had a situation where a woman wanted to be my friend, would call me to chat and stuff, and we'd even hang out....I was actually cool with being friendzoned...because at least she made it clear to me earlier. Curiously, she would flirt with me sometimes, or bat her eye lashes to attempt to get her away. When we would kinda hang out at group parties....she took me aside and said, "Um, listen, perhaps you can mingle around some more, stay away from being around me, because other men will think we're a couple, okay?" Apparently, I was "Crampin" her style, and we appeared as if we were a couple. I was like "screw this" and stopped calling her. Apparently, us being 2 different genders made the difference between friendship with women, vs friendship with guys. Often times though, I notice they aren't too reliable, prefer not to actually stay in touch, or won't even include you in their social circles. I think they often assume that if they friendzone you, they'll think if you remain friends with them, they're taking a risk at you feeling something more later down the pike. So it's a friendship that keeps you at a GIANT arm's length. A friendship with a woman is not even a friendship at all, well, not compared to the friendships I have with my guy friends.
Leeway Harris Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I've been friends with plenty of women I had no interest in dating. There seems to be this assumption that a man's attraction to a woman is some kind of a threatening force that needs to be tamed and controlled, while a woman's attraction to a man is a gift of rainbows and sunshine that must be cultivated and appreciated. Why is that? I'm not talking about agression, or boundary crossing, or anything weird at all. I'm just talking about being attracted to somebody. Whether they have an interest in just sleeping with you, or actually dating you, why is this a bad thing? Obviously if they're inappropriate about it, it's bad, but the attraction itself is completely benign! I know fishtaco chalks it up to "bitches be crazy!" (he put it in a much nicer way, of course) but I'd still like to know if anyone who feels like that can offer some kind of rational explanation.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) I don't think it's that way, from what I've seen, Leeway. More like either way, they call it a "friendship" when it's really not. It's some strange gray area where one likes the other. The liker kinda keeps hanging around. The likee does not quite know what to do with them, so they say they are "friends." But it's not based on the usual things frienship is based on. Instead, one wants to to be in a relationship with the other and keeps hanging around after being told no. The other doesn't care that much about them but either for selfish reasons or just too polite to say "get lost" it drags on. Does anybody recognize this? Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
Mrlonelyone Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 @Summerseve The problem with your statement is that you there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. Plenty of people have been friends with members of the opposite sex weather they found them attractive or not. Sure their would be sexual tension, but mature people can handle that without having to let it dictate who they will deal with. @Leeway I think it comes down to allot of things that have been shown in the media. The phenomenon of celebrity stalking and how certain cases were publicized made more people aware of the concept of stalking. Now I'll bet if a boy who likes a particular girl were to wait by her locker to ask her out... he might be accused of "stalking" her. The idea that "all men are perverts" is a old TV Trope. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AllMenArePerverts Just read all the examples from all over the world of men being portrayed as sex fiends who have SEX SEX SEX on the mind at all times. Conversely the stereotype of women is http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AllWomenArePrudes Which shows their interest in relationships as being pure, clean, not motivated by things like being horny, not influenced by the mans looks, etc . Given these messages no wonder that many women don't realize that men can be genuine friends with them. They think that all men just want to barbarically **** the $4it out of them if the opportunity arose.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Mr. Lonely I could never say anything that went for everybody, there are just way too many people in the world, we all know that. But as far as a guy hanging around some cute girl with all this friendship mess but really not wanting "friendship" at all but romance, nah. If you want romance, ask for romance. If she says no, go to the next one. Direct route is much higher chance if that's what you're after. Hell, ask her out. In five minutes it is settled and case closed. Now if you don't HAVE that goal, then fine, be friends. Personally I never really wanted guys for friends, I already had friends. I'm sure there was a rare exception though. And I think the stereotype is, again, not 100% right, but I do think especially with the young 'uns, guys sex drive and motives do tend to be much more towards getting laid and the girls is more towards relationship. I think it is nature and true. But again and of course, not always. People are too complicated for always.
Leeway Harris Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I don't think it's that way, from what I've seen, Leeway. More like either way, they call it a "friendship" when it's really not. It's some strange gray area where one likes the other. The liker kinda keeps hanging around. The likee does not quite know what to do with them, so they say they are "friends." But it's not based on the usual things frienship is based on. Instead, one wants to to be in a relationship with the other and keeps hanging around after being told no. The other doesn't care that much about them but either for selfish reasons or just too polite to say "get lost" it drags on. Does anybody recognize this? Ok, that I can understand. But I didn't get the impression that's what people were talking about in this thread. It was more like "I thought we were friends, and he BETRAYED me by being attracted to me!" In the case you describe, the behavior of the liker is inappropriate, but isn't it also the responsibility of the likee to set the boundaries? And if it's not a friendship, isn't it also kind of inappropriate to go around telling people "we're friends?" @Summerseve @Leeway I think it comes down to allot of things that have been shown in the media. The phenomenon of celebrity stalking and how certain cases were publicized made more people aware of the concept of stalking. Now I'll bet if a boy who likes a particular girl were to wait by her locker to ask her out... he might be accused of "stalking" her. Like the already classic post where the guy's grandfather told him to "put on his Sunday Best, show up at the girl's house unannounced with flowers and invite her out for a vanilla malted at the drugstore?" Oh, Grampa. That was hilarious.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Hold on Leeway. To tell you the truth, I forgot the OP. Let me go check, lol.
Leeway Harris Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Personally I never really wanted guys for friends, I already had friends. This is a pretty revealing statement. No offense.
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) This is a pretty revealing statement. No offense. Why would it not be perfectly acceptable for me to do things how I liked? I don't care if it's approved of or disapproved of really. Nowadays it seems like there is all this "friends" mess, everywhere, like it's just sooo "beyond stereotypes" and PC but when I look at it, NO, it is not friendship (again, not ALWAYS). It is this weird gray area thing they BOTH are doing together but one wants the other and the other doesn't want them back. And then everyone acts like that's so offensive to say, but then post after post, that is exactly what it is. When one gets a steady, this so-called deep friendship takes about five minutes to go up in smoke. It's not a friendship. I don't know who is "to blame," I mean sure they can do it if they want and they both seem to know the deal. But same as FWB a whole lot of all this "Friends" stuff that everybody thinks is so sacred is just what we used to call "getting used." Why go there. About OP, as I said earlier, I don't think the girl would be offended by being asked out by a guy friend. It sounds more like his old gf was just saying that kind of nonsensical statement to sneak in a brag that she was asked out by a lot of guys. I think OP would be making a mistake to come on too weak, gee will I offend her if I ask her out kind of thing, no, it's not attractive. Ask boldly and accept answer. JMHO. Of course it is quite possible that we all run in very different times and places and it just all varies, I don't know. Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
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