murah989 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Made a previous post on if I should ask out a friend, but I'm unsure at this point. My ex told me that after we broke up, all of her guy friends jumped on her, and it made her super upset. I can understand why: you think that people care about you as a friend, but they just want to be romantic with you instead. Possible breach of trust??? Now, I don't want to spill my guts to this woman, as it would just make me feel pathetic. I figure if I ask her to the movies, and just make it seem like a date she'll get the picture. I'm just so afraid she'll get super upset with me and never talk to me again. Do most woman on here feel that way? Also, we've been friends for 3 years...
somedude81 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Some women are just very naive. Of course all your guys friends want to bang you. They're men. But for some reason, think they're guy friends are different. Just ask her out. If you stay just friends with her, what do you gain?
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Many women get upset with any unwanted attention. This includes everything from looking, talking with them, asking them out etc. Don’t let the fear of annoying, upsetting, and or creeping out a women stop you from living out your life. Look, talk, and ask out who you want.
MistaDynamic Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Friends for three years and you have made no indication you had feeling for her and then all of sudden you want date this girl. hmm The possibility that this friend will find this creepy is about 90%. Your chance of success is extremely low considering you never laid any groundwork. I would advise finding another women but if you're willing to take the risk this women may now distance herself from you because your feeling for her then be bold. Don't sneak your way into the p***y. It doesn't work. Tell her straight out you think you and her should go out on a date and see how she responds.
MistaDynamic Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Of course you have to fly low, and find out what she thinks about you as a MAN, not as a good friend. Ignore Phoenixxx suggestions You can't sneak your way into p***y....EVER!
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Friends for three years and you have made no indication you had feeling for her and then all of sudden you want date this girl. hmm The possibility that this friend will find this creepy is about 90%. Your chance of success is extremely low considering you never laid any groundwork. I would advise finding another women but if you're willing to take the risk this women may now distance herself from you because your feeling for her then be bold. Don't sneak your way into the p***y. It doesn't work. Tell her straight out you think you and her should go out on a date and see how she responds. His situation changed. He might as well ask her out to do something with out calling it a “date” or giving her some “I like you, do you like me” speech. Then he needs to make a move, actions speak louder then words.
Author murah989 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Friends for three years and you have made no indication you had feeling for her and then all of sudden you want date this girl. hmm The possibility that this friend will find this creepy is about 90%. Your chance of success is extremely low considering you never laid any groundwork. I would advise finding another women but if you're willing to take the risk this women may now distance herself from you because your feeling for her then be bold. Don't sneak your way into the p***y. It doesn't work. Tell her straight out you think you and her should go out on a date and see how she responds. I wouldn't say I just woke up one morning and just decided on this. I've been actually brewing on this for quite some time. We have spoke in the past about our attraction to each other, but that was so long ago. I don't know if she feels the same anymore.
MistaDynamic Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 His situation changed. He might as well ask her out to do something with out calling it a “date” or giving her some “I like you, do you like me” speech. Then he needs to make a move, actions speak louder then words. I don't get your post. You're saying two completely different things. On one hand you're advising him to sneak his way into her affections (He might as well...speech) and then you're agreeing with me that he needs to be bold with his actions. (He needs to a make...words). What exactly are you saying? Be sneaky or be bold?
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I wouldn't say I just woke up one morning and just decided on this. I've been actually brewing on this for quite some time. We have spoke in the past about our attraction to each other, but that was so long ago. I don't know if she feels the same anymore. Just ask her out already and go from there. I'd be uncomfortable and very annoyed if someone I had been friends with for awhile then asked me out/confessed feelings for me. I would end the "friendship" as it would be clear to me I had been deceived by the guy as to his motives. I had tried doing the same thing with a guy I had feelings for, but he eventually saw right through it. He did feel betrayed, to an extent, and didn't feel he could trust anything I told him. We've been reduced to acquaintances since then. It happens both ways. You can't sneak your way in.
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I don't get your post. You're saying two completely different things. On one hand you're advising him to sneak his way into her affections (He might as well...speech) and then you're agreeing with me that he needs to be bold with his actions. (He needs to a make...words). What exactly are you saying? Be sneaky or be bold? I’m trying to communicate he shouldn’t be afraid to make things happen. Yes, he should ask her out, but he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it by labeling it a date, or saying he likes her. When he is with her he should let his actions speak for him. Flirt, touch, and of course kiss.
somedude81 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I'd be uncomfortable and very annoyed if someone I had been friends with for awhile then asked me out/confessed feelings for me. I would end the "friendship" as it would be clear to me I had been deceived by the guy as to his motives. Why would you feel deceived or betrayed if a guy friend fell for you and told you about it?
Author murah989 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 I’m trying to communicate he shouldn’t be afraid to make things happen. Yes, he should ask her out, but he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it by labeling it a date, or saying he likes her. When he is with her he should let his actions speak for him. Flirt, touch, and of course kiss. This seems like the most logical way to approach things. I've seen plenty a guy burned because they think spilling their guts to a friend will somehow win her over. Perhaps some light touching and verbal flirting would be a good way to start things slow??...with a MAJOR emphasis on going slow.
Author murah989 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Why would you feel deceived or betrayed if a guy friend fell for you and told you about it? I think for guys: If a fairly attractive woman who is your friend comes on to you, we would feel flattered. For girls: They would think that we were just pretending to be a friend just to get in their pants. Hence the dilemma I'm in...I don't want her thinking that; it's just not true in my case.
Leeway Harris Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I'd be uncomfortable and very annoyed if someone I had been friends with for awhile then asked me out/confessed feelings for me. I would end the "friendship" as it would be clear to me I had been deceived by the guy as to his motives. Hang on... motives? Deceived?!? So, you assume, not that he valued your friendship and didn't want to risk it, not that he was shy or lacked confidence, not that he had other reasons for not bringing up his feelings earlier... You assume that you've been... DECEIVED? He had nefarious ulterior MOTIVES? He's been tenting his fingers every night for years cackling "Eeeeexcellent! Eeeeverything's going according to my eeeeevil plan!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH!!!!"?
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think for guys: If a fairly attractive woman who is your friend comes on to you, we would feel flattered. For girls: They would think that we were just pretending to be a friend just to get in their pants. Hence the dilemma I'm in...I don't want her thinking that; it's just not true in my case. Yep. In my experience, guys who have done this with me harbored feelings/attraction toward me from the beginning and only told me later on, hoping they could sneak their way in by using friendship. It always ticked me off. And it would be hard for me to believe that a guy would tell me/ask me out very soon after they developed feelings. Guys who use friendship to try to develop romantic intimacy with women, I've found, do not act right away. They hem and haw out of insecurity. Not the kind of guy I would want to date. Not at all.
fishtaco Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 You assume that you've been... DECEIVED? He had nefarious ulterior MOTIVES? He's been tenting his fingers every night for years cackling "Eeeeexcellent! Eeeeverything's going according to my eeeeevil plan!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH!!!!"? Of course. We're not talking about what's really happening, we're talking about perception. And perception is the only thing that counts. Like it or not, that's how the real world works. For every man that doesn't have the "evil plan" there are 10 that do. Are you surprised women would react this way? I'm not. Bottom line, using friendship to get to romance is a really poor strategy, and you risk pissing off the woman, who is supposedly your friend. So OP, I vote for go hit up on someone else. But if you want to ask this friend out, understand the consequences -- the existing friendship is now also part of the bet. If you lose, you lose the friendship too. Even if you don't lose it completely, most likely it won't be the same. There will be distance that wasn't there before. So you are at a situation where if you win, you win a girl, the same as if you go hit on other women and win. But if you lose, you lose double. Not a very good approach in my books. Only time I would do this is if it's obvious that this is a done deal, basically she's been pretty obvious about wanting to hook up with me, and gave me all the signs.
Author murah989 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Yep. In my experience, guys who have done this with me harbored feelings/attraction toward me from the beginning and only told me later on, hoping they could sneak their way in by using friendship. It always ticked me off. And it would be hard for me to believe that a guy would tell me/ask me out very soon after they developed feelings. Guys who use friendship to try to develop romantic intimacy with women, I've found, do not act right away. They hem and haw out of insecurity. Not the kind of guy I would want to date. Not at all. My only criticism of this thought process is that it undermines my feelings. Who isn't to say that my feelings towards my friend aren't genuine? Are you saying that I'm fooling myself into thinking otherwise? I don't like thinking that I'm doing this solely to get into her pants. I feel that I'm doing this because I think that the relationship could actual go somewhere. What is true for some, isn't necessarily true for all IMO.
heartshaped Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think you need to be sure to emphasize that this is a date. If one of my male friends asked me to the movies, I wouldn't think anything of it. I'm not saying, confess to feelings to her, but I do think if you want to ask her on a date you need to make clear that it is in fact a date. I don't know about this one though. I don't think any harm can come from asking as long as you do it in a respectful way, but if you've been friends with her for three years I don't think much of anything will come of it.
somedude81 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 How would he let her know that it's a date? Something like, "Suzy lets go to the moves on a date" Seems pretty awkward.
Cracker Jack Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 The only time this actually worked for me was when the feelings were mutual. So, about 1 outta 7:laugh: I honestly never thought it was bad while doing it, tho. I didn't start out having feelings for them; those just developed over time. Based on what I'm reading here, I know not to do this again.
fishtaco Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 How would he let her know that it's a date? Something like, "Suzy lets go to the moves on a date" Seems pretty awkward. Exactly. That's how I would ask a non friend to a date. But a friend... you need to have a lot more tact, and you have to build up to it. With a stranger, I just have to start from zero. With a friend, I'd have to "reverse" the friendship as well, as in the sense that she has to know that the quality time spent together now means something else. But heartshaped is right, you HAVE to find a way to do this somehow. Hence asking out a friend is a complicated and high risk way of getting a date. It's possible sure. But it's extra work and you have more to lose. Again, the only time I would do this is if you already have inside information that the probability for success is very high.
somedude81 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Seriously, you'd actually use the word date? And it worked?
Hurtbunny Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I would be pissed. This is an issue I feel strongly about- I almost feel like its deceptive, that the guy had 'lain in wait' all of the time and that all of his behaviour towards me had been of an ulterior motive. I'm actually in a similar situation right now - in the fact that I have a close guy friend who I KNOW has feelings for me - and I hate it. I'm praying he never brings it up with me - I don't feel the same. I feel like everything he has done towards me has been fake, I know that guys want to bang girls etc but I just wish he didn't find me attractive. And yeah, you guys might think its wrong of me to let him help me out when I know his feelings toward me but we had been friends for a long time before I suspected anything. Sometimes he calls me a pet name which makes me cringe but I'm too embarrassed to tell him to stop since he has been doing it for over a year now. Anyway, I digress. Your situation could be completely different know, and I know a some cases where friends have turned to lovers - not loads, but a few. I haven't had the guys to tell this guy that we can only ever be friends so instead I've been passively aggressively 'mentioning' others guys I'm involved with + the fact I love being single and don't want to be with anyone. The problem is I do care about him a lot and I suspect he is interpreting that as something more than it is. Murah... I actually just laughed so hard at the evil plan post. Extremely funny. I guess this situation does apply to yours since I think my guy friend has started to develop feelings over the past year. I daren't confront him about it.
fishtaco Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Seriously, you'd actually use the word date? And it worked? I ALWAYS use the word date. This way women can't weasel out of it and eat the food I paid for, drink the drinks I paid for, and pretend it was just a friendly outing. I make it extra formal when I ask women out.
Kelemort Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I've never really had this. Most of the men I've known have been respectful about that sort of thing. However, I did have a friend/former co-worker, and although I enjoyed his time, it was obvious as our friendship went on that he was getting feelings for me. He would text me all of the time prying to know about my relationship, eager to know if I was single yet, all of that stuff. Then he wanted to invite me out to museums and restaurants all of the time. He joked about buying me a $10k engagement ring. Uh...it was a little creepy to be honest, and that ruined our friendship. There is a tasteful way to approach a girl that you like. Ask her out for coffee. And a simple, "I have feelings for you" should be enough to get the point across.
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