P&R Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have never dated inside my own race. I've dated an African Brazilian girl, and currently I'm dating a Japanese girl. Both of these relationships have presented some cultural challenges. The Brazilian girl couldn't speak very good English, and she did not agree with a lot of what I did that would be percieved as normal in the states. I got looks when I was with her. The Japanese girl, while born in America has a traditional Japanese family. I'm still trying to figure them out and I don't always understand why they do things. Asian girls going out with white guys is a common occurance where I live.
OliveOyl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have almost always dated outside my race. I'm black but I grew up in a white neighborhood...there were very few blacks in the area I grew up in, and we had no extended family around either. There were a few more blacks when I went to college, but I sometimes got the whole "oreo/you don't know your culture" taunting which I just ignored. Like optimistgirl and tigressA, I'm very used to being the "dot of pepper" in a sea of salt... love that expression! I did end up marrying a white guy, and race was never ever an issue, and had nothing to do with the demise of that relationship. The weird part is online dating, because when I put my race people will automatically make certain assumptions which may or may not be true. I don't want to say "I identify more with the white culture" because that makes it sound like I prefer the white culture which isn't true at all.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 @OliveOyl. I empathize with what you say about certain assumptions being made. I certainly don't fit peoples assumptions and it can be a culture shock when people get to know what I'm really about. All any of us can do is draw some strength from our partners and perhaps the knowledge that we are not the first to deal with interracial relationship issues in the USA. It can be done...society will not give it's full sanction...but it can be done.
tigressA Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 All any of us can do is draw some strength from our partners and perhaps the knowledge that we are not the first to deal with interracial relationship issues in the USA. It can be done...society will not give it's full sanction...but it can be done. It's not obvious to most people just from appearances that BF and I are an interracial couple. It's the cultural differences between us that we are more likely to get flak for. You hear him speak and you pretty much know he's Indian. I've already had to hear people warning me about signs he's rushing me into marriage for a green card.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'm white. I worked with black women for so many years that I had some gripping infatuations. One I gave into and we shacked up for five years (long time ago). She was very dark but not really African-looking. She was part native American. It was difficult at times. After we broke up I missed her and tried to replace her with someone the same basic color and proportions. It was like going home as they say. But I don't have a preference for black. I thought about my long term relationship this afternoon and realized that most people would probably not see her as pretty. But I feel for who she was as a person. I didn't let her race interfere with the affection I felt for her wonderful company. I didn't "covet" her sexually but we just got down to sex right away like it was putting on your shoes and socks. We used to drive around in my big old 60's Buick which had no console on the floor between the seats in the front. She always sat right against me and I kept my arm around her. We'd kiss at every red light and I loved that grape juice color lipstick getting all over my lips. Sometimes a prick racist might see us and gawk and honk but I'd always given 'em the finger and move on to the nest traffic light. I'd say 40% of the women I've had have been African American. It's just who was mostly available to me and exposure to these women has a way of getting under a man's skin and making you love them. It ain't about white and black--it just is to everyone else.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I have found the hardest part is finding someone who's interested interesting and available.... who can take the heat that an interracial relationship will give them. Now I am used to it and don't give a flying flip what people think of me or my life outside of my immediate family. However I have prematurely lost more than one otherwise good SO on account of the cumulative pressure of racial differences. Not everyone has the gumption to give the racist the finger.
TheLoneSock Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I don't feel any attraction to women outside my race. There are beautiful examples of people outside my race that I admire and appreciate, but it is not the same innate attraction I feel for my own. It's the same as the difference between loving and being in love.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I don't feel any attraction to women outside my race. There are beautiful examples of people outside my race that I admire and appreciate, but it is not the same innate attraction I feel for my own. It's the same as the difference between loving and being in love. That's cool too. To be honest that's probably where most people are on this topic. Thankyou for sharing Tigress and Frisky.
SWesleyCasting Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Good Day All!!! My name is Serita; I am a Casting Director who is casting a series that helps individuals & couples let their family & friends in on secrets & life choices that some may consider controversial or not easily unaccepted. For example: Letting your family know that you are involved in an INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP or a RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF ANOTHER RELIGION. Please find our casting post pasted below! Thanks! HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING A SECRET FROM YOUR FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY? ARE YOU READY TO CHANGE SOME PART OF YOUR LIFE, AND WANT TO SHARE THE NEWS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES? IF SO, AN AWARD-WINNING PRODUCTION COMPANY WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU! We are developing an exciting new television show about individuals who are ready to unveil a secret to their loved ones. Whether you are: -- Opening up about an interracial relationship -- Making a different religious choice -- Quitting your job to pursue a secret passion -- Dropping out of school to follow your dreams -- Leaving home to join the circus -- Ready to reveal your plastic surgery …Or otherwise experiencing a transition, then we want to hear from you! We are especially hoping to hear from men and women who have struggled with the decision of whether to tell their secrets, but who are currently ready to reveal the truth and hear the reactions of their friends & family members. To be considered—or to nominate someone—please write to me at [email protected] with the following information: • Your full name, age [for verification purposes], and occupation. • City and state of residence. • The secret you are keeping. • From whom are you keeping this secret? Are there others in your life who already know this secret? If so, how did they react when you revealed it? • Why do you feel you are ready to reveal this secret? • A few [non-returnable] photographs of yourself. • Your best contact phone number(s), e-mails, etc. Thank you for your time, and we look forward to hearing from you!
samspade Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Race is a human invention. Of course cultural differences exist...I do recommend dating outside your culture if you're curious.
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) I’m half Japanese (close to some of my family, but not at all close to my Japanese father) and half white and grew up in a white Italian household (stepfather is Italian, Mom is white and half-Italian/half-French) in the U.S. So, I guess every relationship I’ve had is, in some way, interracial. . . since I’ve never dated a biracial Japanese-Caucasian. I’ve dated mostly white guys, though. All my serious boyfriends have been white, though I had a Korean boyfriend for several months and dated Argentinian, Japanese, Italian (guess they’re white though), and Spanish men (white or Hispanic? I’m never sure) when I lived in those countries, but never long enough to be serious about it. I've definitely been on dates with Latinos and Asians in the U.S. but not any that are memorable. Never been on a date with a black man. In fact, I'm not sure a black guy has ever asked me out. I’ve lived in, and thus dated in, lots of other countries. Mostly superficially in Europe and South America, as I wasn’t there very long. I dated a British guy for a long time in Japan and we moved to Korea together (both wanted to anyway). I dated a Korean guy for a few months. I don’t look that Asian (sometimes people see it, sometimes they don’t) so I don’t know that anyone notices. With the Korean guy’s family, it was a HUGE deal that I was Japanese because Koreans and Japanese don’t like each other much. That’s why I never met his mother. My being American could be okay, because he was not an oldest son, but my Japanese blood? Could not be forgiven! Kind of amusing, really, since we were not that serious. Of course, the language barrier became a problem. I think more than anything that made it pretty impossible for me to take that relationship seriously. I’m very writing-oriented, and I need a guy who can speak and write with wit in English. With the British guy, there were more cultural differences than I’d expected, actually, but none of them were issues. I just wouldn’t understand what he was saying half the time, but I love learning British slang. Most of the cultural issues were actually because he’d been in Korea and Japan for 4 years and his last few girlfriends were Korean. So, he had trouble dating a Westerner again, made worse by the fact that I looked Korean enough to be mistaken as a Korean girl by a guy from the UK (He thought I was Korean -- we were actually both visiting from Tokyo -- when he first came up to talk to me). If I tried to get into all those frictions, it’d be a book. My Japanese family thinks I should, of course, marry a Japanese man. But it’s pretty doubtful I will, though there are plenty of cute Japanese-Americans out there. Just few in the South where I live. Maybe if I moved to California. On black and white culture being the same... I say it's all relative. Within the US they really feel very different. However when compared to other cultures the differences between white and black culture are small. I think I feel like black culture is more closed to me than most European, Asian, or even South American cultures as a white woman (or white/Japanese woman). That's one culture where I feel like I'd never get a foothold. I have some black friends and teach primarily black students, and I grew up in the South, so it's not like I've never met black people. But culturally, I always feel kept at arm's length. This is not true in any of the countries I've traveled. to. Even Korea, once they find out I'm part Japanese, they are still relatively willing to engage me in their culture (to show me why it's better than Japan! Haha ) But black Americans have always sort of kept me out of theirs. Even in Korea, one of my good friends was Black-Kyopo (Kyopo= Korean American) and she'd constantly say "You don't get it, you're not black." I've never had anyone tell me "You don't get it -- You're not from Argentina (fill in any country there)" Instead, they let me TRY to get it, at least. No offense to any African Americans here, but I think the cultural and historical pasts between blacks and whites in the U.S. has simply caused some lasting friction that cannot be denied. Edited April 21, 2011 by zengirl
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) That's because you simply haven't met an African-American who are open to you on that emotional level. Just because you haven't met one yet that is willing to embrace you to that specific level doesn't mean all of us are like that. Plus I'm sure you have quite considerable knowledge of how we are culturally, anyway, considering you've met them before and teach them on a daily basis. There will always be racism and that goes for all other races. Definitely true. I was just sharing my personal experiences as to why I feel the White and Black divide in this country is still very real and maybe, in some ways, harder to breech than that of people from two different cultures totally. A lot of scar tissue is all. I'm glad interracial couples exist, in all forms though, and I don't think black culture is totally foreign. But neither is the culture of most foreign countries I've ever been to! ETA: I've only lived in the South in the US, so this might impact my experiences. There's still plenty of racism here, and my students even were worried I'd be racist (as some white teachers at my school are, sadly!) when they met me. I'm totally not. I'd hang out with green people from any random country if they existed and were cool and could communicate with me. But I get why I'm held at arms' length sometimes. Edited April 21, 2011 by zengirl
ver13 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I've married to the same lovely woman for 20yrs she is Italian and I'm black. We met while I was stationed overseas, our immediate faimlies are both cool with it and all others have been left by the wayside. After being in the military and taking it for granted that people marry who they meet along the way I find it strange to see those who have an issue with it. IMO you only live here once why not be happy with who you spend your time with. If the person that that you choose to spend your life with doesn't have the strenght to stand up to adversity and they need group approval, You don't need them. My son and I were at the airport returning from italy one summer and we saw two young ladies who were in love. Everyone around them was trying to ignore them and when we passed them in the terminal I smiled he asked me why, I said that "Sol una Vita". My mother-inlaw used to say this to me it means "Only one Life" do what you need to do to be happy while you have it.
alethean Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 No offense to any African Americans here, but I think the cultural and historical pasts between blacks and whites in the U.S. has simply caused some lasting friction that cannot be denied. I actually agree with that statement. The friction feels especially real in the South.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 @Zengirl While I really appreciate hearing about your experiences and they give another perspective to this conversation there is some truth to you not getting it because you are not black. Let me explain. I take it you were in the "deep" or lower south.... Those states which formed the confederacy? What I am about to say applies there times 2 (In Mississippi and Alabama x10). The truth of American racial history is that relations between three principal groups got much more attention, and caused much more heat than any others. Those groups being the white master race, the black slave race, and the American Indian "savage" race. From 1607 onward these races made love ( Pocahontas and John Rolfe, Sally Hemmings and Thomas Jefferson), had children (Thomas Rolfe, all of Hemmings children, and people such as Crispus Attucks, and Frederick Douglass, and almost all of my own ancestors), and had many many wars (From the Anglo-Powhattan wars to the little bighorn... from Bacon's rebellion to the Civil war.) In short black white , white Indian, and Indian black relations were along with manifest destiny THE driving forces of US politics until the hispanics in the last 30 or so years no other race really mattered. You probably know all of those facts. But that does not mean you fully understand all of it. The students you teach, and their white neighbors in the south are living out a set of racial roles that were hashed out through the toil of slaves, the tears of indians being marched west, and the blood of soldiers. Some southern black folks do the same to me and my family. The people in my family who lived as free colored people from 1630 in Virginia, to 1805 in Missouri and those like us slave and free alike get the simmilar treatment in the south. Southern black people... that's 95% of all African Americans don't even understand that those of us from the midwest or even the "upper south" would have a somewhat different culture. To them it is said we are "acting white" by speaking with a midwestern accent. What else is a person from Nebraska, Missouri or Illinois supposed to sound like? All of that said, even with all the historical and contemporary friction compared to say US and British culture black and white culture have way more in common. We can all understand eachother's US english for the most part. White southerners and black southerners also have more in common with eachother. TLDR:The hard truth is that while other races have friction Black/White/Amerindian race relations have been a huge historical driving force in US history. Interracial relations between us have a special standing in US culture. Other races experience friction to be sure...but they don't have the same cultural resonance as relations between those groups. At least not in the USA.
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 In the USA however, African Americans and European Americans have essentially the same culture so that's not it. I disagree with such a generalized statement.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I disagree with such a generalized statement. It's all relative. Who do you think has more culture in common. African Americans* and white people who grew up in the same country that their great great great great great great grandparents have been in since 1607 OR White Americans and say... Chinese people fresh off the boat from China? *African americans meaning those who were the target for bondage of the chattel slavery system developed in the United States of America and their descendants. Fresh off the boat Africans need not apply.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 The only experience I have with interracial relationships is a girl I guess I "sort of" dated a few years ago. I say sort of because I really don't know what the extent of our relationship was for various reasons. Anyway she was Arab from overseas, her father was working here in the US for a short time. Both she and her parents were relatively open minded about male-female relationships, but, she had a "thing" about other people gossiping about her (according to her gossip is a big part of Arab culture, again according to her). Basically she didn't want her parents/family to look bad because she was dating a guy, and a non-Muslim guy at that. As a result we barely did anything more than hang out since she had a curfew and she didn't want to be seen hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. in public. After a little while of this I realized this was a dead end street, and decided enough was enough. I know other people who are dating/have dated Muslim and Arab girls before so it won't deter me from doing it again, but I will definitely be aware of these kinds of issues in the future.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 49322 I have been there... read any post from my earliest time here. Suffice it to say women from Muslim cultures will be conflicted deeply. They will want to date you if they like you but they will have all sorts of cognitive dissonances about actually dating you. They want to do it but they on some level think it is wrong.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 49322 I have been there... read any post from my earliest time here. Suffice it to say women from Muslim cultures will be conflicted deeply. They will want to date you if they like you but they will have all sorts of cognitive dissonances about actually dating you. They want to do it but they on some level think it is wrong. Yup. I know a disproportionate number of Muslim women due to my field of study (Middle East Studies). Although I don't drink, if I know they do it's usually my green light to go ahead, since your odds go way up.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I would call that more of a yellow light. A person can go out and drink on a Saturday night after having posed as a good muslim woman for her community on the previous Friday. While if she is known to be dating a man (And I have to add in my case a African American) that's not as easy to hide. Especailly if that half black baby comes. Then there's going to be consequences and repercussions. LOL
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Along the lines of my last post I found a book that deals with the issue of white women, being with black men in the antebellum south. http://yalepress.yale.edu/book.asp?isbn=9780300077506 Hodes provides details of the wedding of a white servant-woman and a slave man in 1681, an antebellum rape accusation that uncovered a relationship between an unmarried white woman and a slave, and a divorce plea from a white farmer based on an adulterous affair between his wife and a neighborhood slave. Drawing on sources that include courtroom testimony, legislative petitions, pardon pleas, and congressional testimony, she presents the voices of the authorities, eyewitnesses, and the transgressors themselves—and these voices seem to say that in the slave South, whites were not overwhelmingly concerned about such liaisons, beyond the racial and legal status of the children that were produced. Only with the advent of black freedom did the issue move beyond neighborhood dramas and into the arena of politics, becoming a much more serious taboo than it had ever been before. Hodes gives vivid examples of the violence that followed the upheaval of war, when black men and white women were targeted by the Ku Klux Klan and unprecedented white rage and terrorism against such liaisons began to erupt. emphasis mine. Zengirl. Perhaps I seemed dismissive in my reponse to you. I was only trying to explain one of the realities of your black students lives and the history of their part of the world.
fishtaco Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I also date inter-racially. I'm Asian. I date all ethnicities except Asians. There's more to it than that, but this is not a thread about why Asian people don't date other Asians, so I won't elaborate. So far, cultural differences are there, but I wouldn't say they had a significant impact. I believe people can work it out if they want to. If they're closed off, well, then if not due to cultural differences then anything else could end the relationship. So I'd say the unwillingness to work on the problems and not communicating effectively with each other is more of an issue than cultural differences. Although I'm in a situation where I completely discount what my family thinks. So I'm more "free" do whatever I want. I understand many other people have to put up with family pressure. I've dated black women before. Where I live, there are a lot of Hispanics, but not many black people. So black women pretty much date inter-racially. They have to. But when I say take my black girlfriend to an area that's predominantly black, I noticed that the black men were surprised, but they didn't care either way. But the black women would give us attitudes. As if black women aren't supposed to date outside of their own race. But that's just my very limited experience. May or may not be representative of how things actually are.
BigBlack Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 interracial dating or marriage hardly even works out, i was watching Oprah or some other show it showed that 78% of marriages between black and white people result in divorce.
zengirl Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 @Zengirl While I really appreciate hearing about your experiences and they give another perspective to this conversation there is some truth to you not getting it because you are not black. Eh, maybe. But my Japanese relatives (some of my family members -- not living now but were when I was a kid -- were actually people who'd been IN internment camps, BTW) don't go around saying, "You don't get it because you're not Japanese." I definitely get the differences, and I would definitely tell people, "Well, you're not looking at it from a Japanese perspective" wtih some things. My point was I find black Americans less interested than any other group I've met, except maybe Middle Easterns IN the Middle East (not Arab-Americans, who I find are often very open if they're not 100% traditional), in actually having me "get" it. In fact, they've always seemed very invested in me NOT getting it. Which is fine. But that's why I don't buy that black culture and white culture are essentially the same in the U.S. There's a lot of overlap, but there's a lot of NOT overlap as well. It's all relative. Who do you think has more culture in common. African Americans* and white people who grew up in the same country that their great great great great great great grandparents have been in since 1607 OR White Americans and say... Chinese people fresh off the boat from China? *African americans meaning those who were the target for bondage of the chattel slavery system developed in the United States of America and their descendants. Fresh off the boat Africans need not apply. I haven't lived in China, so my view isn't informed there, but I would say a Korean or a Japanese person fresh off the boat has more in common with a lot of White America than you'd think. So maybe Chinese too. Also, I think class determines a lot more. There are huge swaths of white America I've got nothing in common with, and my middle class black friends (who grew up upper-middle-class) have more in common with me in many cases than the communities of a lot of my students.
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