Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have had almost exclusively interracial relationships. Not on purpose by any means that's just who I end up falling for. Race makes no difference to me. I have had good and bad experiences with that. Some of which can be attributed to race some not. Never the less it is likely that my next relationship will also be interracial...just based on who's around me and what matches I find on the internet. If you have been here long enough then you know about my more significant interracial relationship(s) so I wont rehash that and bore people. My questions are: Is anyone here in an interracial relationship? Is this your first? What two races are you? If you are black or a multiracial person with black in the mix do you think that there is a special...ire in the USA for a Black +{anything} interracial relationship? ________ One observation..please tell me if I am wrong and why. In other countries they don't have the same issues that we have here with interracial relations. Culture matters more. In the USA however, African Americans and European Americans have essentially the same culture so that's not it. Take Brazil for example...local celebrities Pele and Xuxa (I must say they look really HOT in that picture in every way). When they were dating they appeared in TV commercials together and on the covers of magazines. Portrayed as a good wholesome Brazillian couple. I can't recall anything like that here, ever. I cannot recall a high profile interracial celebrity couple involving a black man, and white woman, in particular being celebrated in that way. There have been black athletes married to white women... but the woman was always invisible unless the man did something wrong to her (cheating tiger,... OJ). Have I missed one? I mean I know about couples like Puffy and Jlo or Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Having dated other brown races my personal experience is that the black white combination has a special place in American history and consciousness. You know people seek to find descent from Pocahontas and John Rolfe...but not so much from Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings. One relationship gets celebrated in history and song... while Jefferson and Hemmings get a dirty version of Yankee Doodle (Read it funny.). TLDR: Is anyone else here in an interracial relationship or has been in such a relationship? What experiences or observations could you share that might enlighten others on how such relationships are? Am I the only one who notices that the black+white combination seems to rouse especially strong emotions on the part of onlookers? Just another one of my post that are intended to be general and not be about me specifically.
Eeyore79 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Some of the older generation still remember segregation and race riots, and they therefore find black/white couples a little odd. I don't think the majority of younger people are bothered by it so much. I disagree that black and white Americans have the same culture though - I think many black people identify strongly with their race and have their own cultural shibboleths. I also think it can be difficult for a person of one color to be accepted into a family which is entirely another color.
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I do think that black + white relationships tend to garner more ire over other interracial pairings. I'm mixed (black/white) and up until about a year or so ago dated white men exclusively. We wouldn't get more than weird looks while out, but one big reason why I stopped talking to my father's family (black) is that whenever I mentioned I was dating someone, they would ask what race he is. I would say, "Why does it matter?" They'd hem and haw and I would tell them just to get them off my back, but whenever he wasn't black (and he was never black! ) they would sigh and ask me why I couldn't find any nice black guys my age around. They see me as a traitor, and would deny that I have any white blood in me at all. Of course, they're older, and they grew up and still live in a town that had a series of race riots in the 60s. I am currently in a relationship with an Indian man and he's been living in the U.S. for the last 4 years. He's not super-traditional or anything, but English is his 3rd language and while he's fluent, he isn't as expressive as I am in it, and there's slang to contend with too. We don't get remarks or looks while out together, probably because I get confused for being Indian. I do wonder sometimes about what our families would think. My father married a Canadian woman he had met online and then eventually divorced her; she had essentially used him for U.S. citizenship. I don't think my dad would be too thrilled to find out that my BF is a non-citizen--he would likely assume he's in it for the same reasons as his ex-W.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 On black and white culture being the same... I say it's all relative. Within the US they really feel very different. However when compared to other cultures the differences between white and black culture are small. Like White and black US culture are closer to eachother than either is to German culture or Middle eastern culture, or East Indian culture. We eat the same things, speak the same language, mostly practice (on xmas and thanksgiving) the same religion, we wear the same clothes, listen to the same music... I see your point though. What makes me feel that my relationships with white people have brought more censure than those with other brown races... is the reaction we get from people at large. A couple that is Black+East Indian does not raise the eyebrows that a eqatorial black + nordic blonde white would. Perhaps it has more visual...impact?
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 What makes me feel that my relationships with white people have brought more censure than those with other brown races... is the reaction we get from people at large. A couple that is Black+East Indian does not raise the eyebrows that a eqatorial black + nordic blonde white would. Perhaps it has more visual...impact? Oh, it definitely does have more visual impact. A black/white pairing can be pretty high-contrast and therefore striking. It doesn't help that there are more negative connotations toward dark skin than light skin. I remember taking a civil rights movement class in college, and we talked about a rape case involving a white man and a black woman. The defense attorney had pointed to the man's wife, saying he came home every day to a "pure, white lily...why would he have anything to do with that?" and pointed to the black woman on the stand. The man was acquitted.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 @Tigress. That's interesting. My family has had some of the same problem as you describe in it's history. My family is composed of multigenerationally mixed folks. You have to go back to the 1600's to find anyone who's remotely "pure" on our family tree. So generally there is not as much friction within my family over interracial pairings. (Though I have noticed that the lasting marriages were mostly between other similarly mixed people.) Were used to the idea...mostly. I have an uncle who joined the Airforce and married a white woman he met in the airforce. They are great together. He did not talk to the rest of the family for 20 years after that because one of my aunts (the lightest one in my moms family green eyed and red headed) thought he was a race traitor. So I do see where you are coming from and how that can be a problem. Family can be the main problem in such a relationship. How have you dealt with it? Would you cut your family off like my uncle did if you really fell hard for a white man, married him, and they did not approve?
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I already cut my family off--my extended family anyway. My immediate family (parents + brother) couldn't care less, obviously because I'm mixed myself. The point when I really started getting sick of them is when I mentioned I was seeing a Pakistani guy. They REALLY flipped out. I couldn't believe what was coming out of their mouths. They told me to "not come back married" and "he probably has two wives somewhere already" and asked me to make sure he wasn't on a terrorist-watch list. :mad: My crazy great-aunts are the ones who spew this crap the most, and they are perpetually single. They have complained about the lack of good men out there...one of them sometimes mentions men who hit on her who aren't black and she uses it sort of like an ego boost, but when I suggested trying one of them out she had one of her diva outbursts, saying white men raped her ancestors and whatnot. Gah.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) The defense attorney had pointed to the man's wife, saying he came home every day to a "pure, white lily...why would he have anything to do with that?" and pointed to the black woman on the stand. The man was acquitted. I can believe that. Then there is the classic case of a white woman being raped or claiming to have been raped by a black man. The classic lynching scenario begins with such an accusation. The 1960 movie Sargeant Rutledge...talks about the case of a "buffalo soldier" who was tried for rape and murder and acquired. To put a more funny light on it...remember the movie "Life" with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slmDi0MI96w The memories of the particular things that have been done in response to Black+White mixing could explain it. @"white men raped her ancestors" That's very possible now. In fact most multigenerationally mixed folks came to be mixed that way. I researched my families history and found no evidence of that. What I found was evidence of mixing going back to the earliest parts of American history. Many of the couples were black/Amerindian man + white woman Black/white man + Amerindian Woman in addition to white men with brown women. On the frontier you had to take what you could get. Finding that out had allot to do with reconciling my Aunt and uncle. I found that our maternal line goes back to Germany. Edited March 31, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I can believe that. Then there is the classic case of a white woman being raped or claiming to have been raped by a black man. The classic lynching scenario begins with such an accusation. The 1960 movie Sargeant Rutledge...talks about the case of a "buffalo soldier" who was tried for rape and murder and acquired. To put a more funny light on it...remember the movie "Life" with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slmDi0MI96w The memories of the particular things that have been done in response to Black+White mixing could explain it. Of course. It's a really loaded history that's still quite potent today in the minds of the older generation, and in some places (particularly the south) it has filtered into the younger one.
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 @"white men raped her ancestors" That's very possible now. In fact most multigenerationally mixed folks came to be mixed that way. I researched my families history and found no evidence of that. What I found was evidence of mixing going back to the earliest parts of American history. Many of the couples were black/Amerindian man + white woman Black/white man + Amerindian Woman in addition to white men with brown women. On the frontier you had to take what you could get. Finding that out had allot to do with reconciling my Aunt and uncle. I found that our maternal line goes back to Germany. That's really interesting. When doing a family tree project in high school I found out that my last name, which comes from my dad's side, is of Scottish origin, and there are some members of my extended family on my dad's side who are lighter than I am. I saw pictures of my great-grandparents and they were both very light-skinned, and their kids (my great-aunts/uncles) were all across the spectrum in skin color. I think they deny black/white mixing because in most instances, early race-mixing occurred as a result of rape. I remember reading somewhere that some black families like to try to claim a Native American mixture over a white one because they can better "identify" with them, as whites persecuted and drove out Native Americans. Huh.
SmileFace Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have always dated outside of my culture. Even though on the outside it only appears to people that I date interracially. For some reason I don't have to deal with the whole "white man raped your ancestors" - it may be because I am not American or family and friends just are not that small minded. Don't get me wrong when I first started dating I got snide remarks(mostly friendly jokes) from my friends and one of my siblings. None that lasted long, probably because I don't care what anyone says. I date who I like. When in a relationship I tend to not care and I have dated a wide range of colors. I have not yet encountered problems with families or friends. However I have never introduced anyone to my dad but he is aware of me dating outside of my culture and truthfully probably doesn't care. I am not in a relationship with anyone right now.However my last relationship was with an Irish American. I am Caribbean American. Can't really comment since that didn't last long but it worked for the time it did.
optimistgirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I also think it can be difficult for a person of one color to be accepted into a family which is entirely another color. Very true indeed. I live in the Northeast and there are many different cultures and ethnicities here. Just to give you a little background on me, I'm black and I've dated many different people. I had a white boyfriend in highschool (2yr relationship), I was married to a Peruvian guy for 12 years, and most recently dated an Italian man for almost 4 months. The Italian guy thought it was time to take the relationship to the next level, so he told his mother about us. Well...to say the least, the conversation didn't go well. His mother immediately started telling him how it wasn't going to work out between us, yet she knew absolutely nothing about me. If he wanted to keep seeing me, then he would've had to cut his family out of his life (keep in mind here that this guy is in his late 30's). We had a great relationship...unfortunately, he chose to end it, stating that he didn't think it was fair to put me in a situation like that. In my other instances of dating interracially, the families accepted me...so I wasn't prepared for this at all. The funny thing is that we talked about the family thing in the beginning....what would you do if your family didn't approve, and he said it didn't matter what they thought. Hmmmm....... Sorry...still feeling bitter!
Eeyore79 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 My family would have a serious problem with me dating anyone of a different race. They would be fine with me dating someone from another culture (German/Russian/whatever) as long as he was white, but they wouldn't like me dating someone who was Black/Indian/Chinese etc. The small town I grew up in was overwhelmingly white, and my family are mostly uneducated and somewhat racist. Now I live in the city I meet people with lots of different skin colors, but I tend to date white men because I'm aware of my family's feelings and I really don't want to cause friction, nor do I want to feel uncomfortable if I'm the only different colored person in someone else's family. I also think that your ideas about attractiveness are formed by what you're exposed to in your youth, and I was mostly only exposed to white men until I went to college. Even when I'm attracted to non-white men, they tend to have more Caucasian-type features. I was once really taken with this black guy who had bright blue eyes...
Kamille Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) I'm only part "white" but in regards to the dominant imagination of race today, I pass as white. Outside of my city of origin, people generally assume I'm white and generally assume I come from a privileged background. My boyfriend is African-Canadian. He's experienced racism (and I have experienced discrimination), but as a general rule, Canadians do not seem to really notice we're an "inter-racial" couple. It has happened that people have made ignorant comments, but they were generally easy do address. (Example: a friend once commented that I had always had a penchant for "ethnic" guys, to which I replied that bf, having grown up in Canada, was as Canadian as they come). I remember once, bf and I went on a date to a comedy club. One of the comedians was a black guy from the USA, and he attempted a joke about the fact we were an inter-racial couple. It was the first time anyone had ever referred to us that way, and to be honest, I think the crowd didn't know how to react to the joke. People weren't outraged, but the joke flopped. We have lived shortly in a European country (or, I lived there and he visited for 3 weeks). There, the racism was palpable. People would stare at us on the subway. Black people would smile when they saw us and would say: "Now, that's something I love to see". A few friends, imagining racism in North America to be worse than in Europe, would ask if my parents had issues with my bf's race (they don't). In this specific country, racial category was a predictor of social class. (Much more so than in Canada). Most of the black population had recently migrated, and many, struggling to find gainful employment, had to resort to the informal economy to survive. The countries' inability to economically integrate immigrants explained the strong dichotomy between what people perceived to be appropriate dating. To the locals, a black man dating a white woman was akin to a street peddler dating an upper-middle class woman. Plus, even though I wasn't from that country, I actually looked like a member of the established upper-middle class locals (when I was alone, nationals (from other parts of the country) would often stop me to ask for directions, and would be surprised to find out I wasn't from there). Mostly, we did not compute for them. So, yes, I agree, how people perceive and experience race varies from country to country. Edited March 31, 2011 by Kamille
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 There have been black athletes married to white women... but the woman was always invisible unless the man did something wrong to her (cheating tiger,... OJ). Have I missed one? I mean I know about couples like Puffy and Jlo or Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Having dated other brown races my personal experience is that the black white combination has a special place in American history and consciousness. TLDR: Is anyone else here in an interracial relationship or has been in such a relationship? What experiences or observations could you share that might enlighten others on how such relationships are? Am I the only one who notices that the black+white combination seems to rouse especially strong emotions on the part of onlookers? Just another one of my post that are intended to be general and not be about me specifically. I dated an African American woman for just over a year. I would say most people had no problems. Where I live the caucasian population is very progressive and liberal. However, I did encounter on several occasions discrimination and anger from black males. Not many... just like 3. I think they deny black/white mixing because in most instances, early race-mixing occurred as a result of rape. I remember reading somewhere that some black families like to try to claim a Native American mixture over a white one because they can better "identify" with them, as whites persecuted and drove out Native Americans. Huh. It wasn't always rape. I know everyone likes to promote that idea because the institution of slavery is just so damn evil... but even under those conditions relationships came from and took all forms.
optimistgirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 ... nor do I want to feel uncomfortable if I'm the only different colored person in someone else's family. This is an interesting point... I only speak for myself here, but often times, I am the only one of color in many environments that I find myself in. I'm mostly referring to work environments and of course, family engagements with my exH. To be the only one that is different in someone's family doesn't phase me at all...I guess I'm used to it. What is most important to me is not someone's race, but whether we have things in common, similar values, etc. Oh...and he has to be attractive!! I'll be honest, there are certain groups of people that I just don't seem to be attracted to, but I think everyone has preferences. My family may prefer for me to be in a relationship with a black guy (I know because they've made comments), but ultimately, they let me do the choosing and it's more important for them to see their daughter happy and in a loving relationship.
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Kamille, I agree that it will vary from country to country...even region to region, within the same country, as in the U.S. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to walk streets in India with my BF. Optimistgirl, I too am used to being the only person of color in various environments. In school, at work, at former boyfriends' family gatherings. I do tend to be surprised if I see another non-white person in the room, though. With one white guy I dated, I met one of his older brothers' GF at a family gathering and I was startled to see that she was Asian (Pacific Islander). To be honest, it made me feel more comfortable.
tigressA Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 At Thanksgiving two years ago, my cousin(20 years older) began her usual interrogation, and when she told me I need to find a black girl, I stood up in front of the rest of my family, raised my voice and said, I'd be a fool to take relationship advice from someone whose never been married, and proven that they can't maintain a long term relationship over the last 45 years. Maybe if you weren't so narrow in your thinking, you'd have someone. Then asked if anyone else had anything to say...never seen black folks so quiet in my life. Anyway, I live in DC now and interracial dating is the norm. That's priceless! Love it! Oh man, I don't think I would ever have had the nerve to say something like that in front of my family. I probably would've been kicked up and down the block. But then that just would've proven I spoke the truth.
optimistgirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Optimistgirl, I too am used to being the only person of color in various environments. In school, at work, at former boyfriends' family gatherings. I do tend to be surprised if I see another non-white person in the room, though. With one white guy I dated, I met one of his older brothers' GF at a family gathering and I was startled to see that she was Asian (Pacific Islander). To be honest, it made me feel more comfortable. I like to compare it to being the pepper dot in a see of salt! I agree though, I would feel more comfortable not being the only one, but what can I do...
elaina Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) I have had almost exclusively interracial relationships. Me too Not on purpose by any means that's just who I end up falling for. Race makes no difference to me. I'm naturally attracted to people who are not of my ethnicity group. I don't really know why that is but I don't fight it. Is anyone here in an interracial relationship? Yes, though we're still in the getting to know each other dating stage... not so much a full blown relationship... yet. We'll see what the future holds. Is this your first? No What two races are you?I actually don't see it as races, because we're all from the human race, but I see it more as ethnicity. He is Mestizo; I have Irish/Scottish/English ancestry. If you are black or a multiracial person with black in the mix do you think that there is a special...ire in the USA for a Black +{anything} interracial relationship?I think black and white couples are beautiful!!! I do not understand "ire"? I guess some people who think that ethnicities should stay separate would get angry, but who cares? ________ One observation..please tell me if I am wrong and why. In other countries they don't have the same issues that we have here with interracial relations. Culture matters more. In the USA however, African Americans and European Americans have essentially the same culture so that's not it. I disagree... there are differences... for example, when I'm with my friends who are Latinos, they tend to be louder and more "rambunctious" and jovial and warm, but when I'm with my family and friends who are Caucasians, they tend to be more reserved and "cold" and not as loud. So, there are differences in subcultures. Both Latinos and African Americans are known for being louder and more lively it seems, don't you think? Indian (from India) Americans tend to be more reserved and not as affectionate in public. So, there are differences in subcultures, but none are bad. They're just different. Take Brazil for example...local celebrities Pele and Xuxa (I must say they look really HOT in that picture in every way). When they were dating they appeared in TV commercials together and on the covers of magazines. Portrayed as a good wholesome Brazillian couple. I can't recall anything like that here, ever. I cannot recall a high profile interracial celebrity couple involving a black man, and white woman, in particular being celebrated in that way. Seal and Heidi Plum are high profile, right? Seal is an incredibly handsome and distinguished singer whose songs melt ones' heart, and Heidi Plum is a drop dead gorgeous model who is also known for her beautiful speaking voice. Here are some pictures of them. As far as I know, they are still married and have gorgeous kids too! http://celebrityhub.blogspot.com/2007/10/seal-and-heidi-klum-opened-up-their.html http://11-myblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/seal-and-heidi-klum-baby.html I think Seal and Heidi Plum is an amazing couple and I love how they have stayed together and hope they continue to! TLDR: Is anyone else here in an interracial relationship or has been in such a relationship? What experiences or observations could you share that might enlighten others on how such relationships are? Am I the only one who notices that the black+white combination seems to rouse especially strong emotions on the part of onlookers? Latinos and Caucasians get looks too, and it seems some people disapprove. Also, some wonder if it's just for citizenship papers. I have had people disapprove of who I am dating because they ask me what's wrong with Americans? (American to some people means just white people..?) and I say nothing but I just naturally lean to la cultura Latina. I love Spanish and I love the friendliness and generosity of the Latinos (both Hispanic Americans and Latinos who I know from other American countries (Mexico, El Salvador, Chile...) and their importance on family and kids. I feel at more at home with a Latino than I do with any guy I have so far met of my own ethnicity. Edited March 31, 2011 by elaina
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I actually don't see it as races, because we're all from the human race, but I see it more as ethnicity. He is Mestizo; I have Irish/Scottish/English ancestry. Race doesn't really exist. It was invented to describe prevalent differences between what basically amounts to family groups. Culture however is a very strong force... and I'm with you about Latino culture. There are some minor things that annoy me... but on the whole, I love it!
optimistgirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Latinos and Caucasians get looks too, and it seems some people disapprove. Also, some wonder if it's just for citizenship papers. Hahahaha...that's exactly what my parents thought when they found out I was marrying a non-citizen!! They said, "Are you sure he's not just marrying you for the papers?"
elaina Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Race doesn't really exist. It was invented to describe prevalent differences between what basically amounts to family groups. True Culture however is a very strong force... and I'm with you about Latino culture. There are some minor things that annoy me... but on the whole, I love it! Lol I learned really quick privacy is not a Latino trait! That took me awhile to get used to, but I am fine with it now. Every culture has issues and every culture has things that annoy others (or even people in that culture.) For example, the man I'm dating hates machismo and is being a good role model for younger generations (I personally think.) Culture can change. Yes I agree Latino culture as a whole is great!!! Oh and I'm sorry- Seal and Heidi Klum, not Plum! I love Seal and Heidi and didn't mean to mess up her name!!!
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Seal and Heidi Klum while high profile aren't really comparable to what Pele and Xuxa were in Brazil. Xuxa was, believe it or not Brazil's answer to Mr. Rogers or the teletubbies. Pele was like Michael Jordan x10 in Brazil (and to everyone who's a soccer fan). Imagine if Mr. Rogers had his dark black wife guest on his show.... the way Pele would appear on Xuxa's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6HLjKNf9JU There are allot of Americans would would to this day regard such a FLAMMMMBOYANT celebration of interracial love as practically pornographic. (An america where showing Capt. Kirk kissing Uhura was censored within living memory.) That said yes they are high profile so it's not like the network execs and such are so worried that people will tune out if an interacial couple is shown. It's still touchy. ______ What's said about the latino + gringo pairings I have no doubt is true. Really any group that's thought of as not being "Americans (US)" gets that I think. Latino's probably more so because it's almost as if now a days when we hear the word immigrant latino's jump to mind. @iJester I like what your thanksgiving story. It's always the relative who's own personal life is a mess that wants to meddle in other peoples. It's really irritating. I would've cut her some slack though because such people meddle because their own life is a mess and they don't know how to fix it. _________ Here's something else to think about: Does anyone suppose if the numbers of people in the US were more equal interracial coupling would be less controversial/noticeable?
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