A question... "I love you" "I'll go put my profile on a dating site...

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I just have to share this story. It's just bizarre. My ex and I were together for 4 years - lived together for 3 - I moved out a few months ago. We got back together, etc. This, I do believe whole-heartedly, is the final breakup story.

 

Last Monday, he came over to have dinner. He talked about my lack of desire for physical intimacy.

 

I said, "I understand that I'm not meeting your needs. Would you like to see other people?"

 

He said, "No! Not at all! You are the only person I want to be with."

 

Fast forward less than 24 hours - dude has sent me 2 emails about how much he loves me, how guilty he feels for pressuring me to be physical, etc. (I know his machinations - change in behavior, starts tanning, etc. I check his email knowing he is up to something). Sure enough, dude has started a profile on eharmony.

 

I mean, wtf. Less than 24 hours before this, he is turning down an invitation to openly see other people. Less than 3 hours before he puts up his profile, he is emailing me telling me how much he loves me and wants things to work and is sorry that he pressured me. Why not just come clean? Why not tell me that he has thought about it and does want to see other people? Why not handle it with some honesty? Instead, he lied when I called him. I saw the email and called and said, "So have you decided to see other people?" He said he was waiting for a response to the email he had sent (in which he actually claims he is just pouring out his feelings). So I just said, "There's no reason to respond to your email at this point. You have not and will never be trustworthy."

 

Not the first time it's happened - he has run to match, etc., at just about every fight. One time I had to print off messages to prove that I knew - because he denied having been on there - then he, with proof in his lap, came clean. If you can call it that at that point.

 

I mean seriously. WTH. I have asked him a handful of times if he wanted to see other people. Honestly, my heart has not been in it. I feel much more alive without his constant badgering. But here's the question: why in the hell would someone not choose to go forward with integrity? Why not just tell me?

 

And a word for those who encounter anything similar: I could have eliminated 85% of this relationship if I'd left the first time I found him messaging people on match. It was only a few weeks after we moved in together. He said I had been "depressed" during the adjustment and it was hard on him.

 

Ah! Stupid much? Anyway, alls well that ends well. And I'm done with him.

[JasonRules]

I'm not quite following you; so did you dump him because you weren't feeling it or because he was trying to cheat on you while you were in a relationship with him via dating websites?

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Thanks for responding, Jason. It's a combination, though I wouldn't have dumped him at that time if it hadn't been for his dishonesty.

 

I haven't wanted to be 'close' to him for a while... probably more than a year. Over time, the lying, the criticizing who I am, finding profiles on online personals, etc... it obviously wore me down. Even though I wasn't 'in it' completely, I thought maybe I would re-engage over time. And I had said a few times over the last few months that I was fine with going our separate ways. A month or so ago, he accused me of flirting with a 17yo in an online game - he said this minor and I were flirting via a 'code' and then he called me and apologized so I didn't end it then, either. That's the thing - the biggest reason I have not broken up with him is because he has been so adamantly against it.

 

But ok - yea, I broke up with him because he was putting his profile on an online dating site. Not 'feeling it' just made it a lot easier this time. He really disgusts me. I just don't understand why he is incapable of being honest. And that part does upset me because he destroyed my respect for him. I so blame him for that. I had really believed in him and thought I loved him. What a loser he is. And I put up with it. Oh! Grrr

Edited March 31, 2011 by lapse

[JasonRules]

Thanks for responding, Jason. It's a combination, though I wouldn't have dumped him at that time if it hadn't been for his dishonesty.

 

I haven't wanted to be 'close' to him for a while... probably more than a year. Over time, the lying, the criticizing who I am, finding profiles on online personals, etc... it obviously wore me down. Even though I wasn't 'in it' completely, I thought maybe I would re-engage over time. And I had said a few times over the last few months that I was fine with going our separate ways. A month or so ago, he accused me of flirting with a 17yo in an online game - he said this minor and I were flirting via a 'code' and then he called me and apologized so I didn't end it then, either. That's the thing - the biggest reason I have not broken up with him is because he has been so adamantly against it.

 

But ok - yea, I broke up with him because he was putting his profile on an online dating site. Not 'feeling it' just made it a lot easier this time. He really disgusts me. I just don't understand why he is incapable of being honest. And that part does upset me because he destroyed my respect for him. I so blame him for that. I had really believed in him and thought I loved him. What a loser he is. And I put up with it. Oh! Grrr

 

 

Well if he really disgusts you and you guys are broken up, then what exactly are we talking about? I think this is a case closed type of situation.

 

As a man, I will tell you this. Guys don't change. We are who we are. Some are normal, some are cheaters, some are players, some are clingy, some are romantic etc etc. To me, a couple is like a nut and a bolt. Both the nut and the bolt need to have the same dimension and threading in order for the nut to fit on the bolt. You can't force it, otherwise you will destroy both the nut and the bolt. The analogy is that people either click together and everything is simple or they don't and everything is difficult.

 

Based on your story I don't think this is the right guy for you. Clearly, you are way too different. So why are you killing yourself agonizing over someone whom is so different than you?

 

Why don't you just go NC, give yourself some time to get over all the drama, and then go find a guy whom you're truly compatible with and who will make you happy because he won't be in any online dating sites behind your back. Accept that this guy is not for you. The faster you accept it the better for you.

[lapse]

Well if he really disgusts you and you guys are broken up, then what exactly are we talking about? I think this is a case closed type of situation.

 

As a man, I will tell you this. Guys don't change. We are who we are. Some are normal, some are cheaters, some are players, some are clingy, some are romantic etc etc. To me, a couple is like a nut and a bolt. Both the nut and the bolt need to have the same dimension and threading in order for the nut to fit on the bolt. You can't force it, otherwise you will destroy both the nut and the bolt. The analogy is that people either click together and everything is simple or they don't and everything is difficult.

 

Based on your story I don't think this is the right guy for you. Clearly, you are way too different. So why are you killing yourself agonizing over someone whom is so different than you?

 

Why don't you just go NC, give yourself some time to get over all the drama, and then go find a guy whom you're truly compatible with and who will make you happy because he won't be in any online dating sites behind your back. Accept that this guy is not for you. The faster you accept it the better for you.

 

Thanks, Jason! I am 100% certain this is not the guy for me. I'm not wondering if I should work it out. I'm just mystified by the lack of ability to be forthrigh!? Who chooses dishonesty over honesty? What was at stake there to even make it worth his while to not just say, "I'm going to see other people"? His 'right' to be sneaky?

 

I'm just processing is all. I accept that I still lost the relationship, even if it wasn't a good one, and that I'll find myself ruminating. Thank god i'm not where I was emotionally the first time it happened. Wow.

[DollyGirl12]

I agree with Jason, people don't change, especially the core of their character. If he is dishonest then that is how he is. If it's something that someday turns on the "light bulb moment" in his head he may try to change his ways, but you cannot wait around for that to happen.

Kind of similar situation with my ex, however he was the very affectionate, clingy type. Would have loved it if I could be there 24/7 with him, non stop. But,,,,,when i wasn't he was on the prowl online. When caught red handed he lied about it and continued to lie about it. I had found other lies he was telling people, inflating who he is, how much he makes, lying about going on a cruise, and so much more. Just seems like he does it for no apparent reason. We can analyze it to death, but we cannot change it.

I had to cut ties completely with him. Because.....I deserve better. And so do you!!!

[SingVoice]

UGH I dated a guy like this once. We only dated a couple months...but everytime we had a fight...he would RUN back to his online dating sights. He was VERY immature...(and he was 29 at the time)...and I think he was just looking for some outside attention.

 

This guy also told me over text message that he loved me....2 weeks after we met...right after he called me a bitch.

 

LOL. I think certain kinds of people just have different coping styles. I think maybe his way of dealing with the problems is to have some kind of other outlet. Not exactly a GOOD thing...and shady...but that could be it.

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I agree with Jason, people don't change, especially the core of their character. If he is dishonest then that is how he is. If it's something that someday turns on the "light bulb moment" in his head he may try to change his ways, but you cannot wait around for that to happen.

Kind of similar situation with my ex, however he was the very affectionate, clingy type. Would have loved it if I could be there 24/7 with him, non stop. But,,,,,when i wasn't he was on the prowl online. When caught red handed he lied about it and continued to lie about it. I had found other lies he was telling people, inflating who he is, how much he makes, lying about going on a cruise, and so much more. Just seems like he does it for no apparent reason. We can analyze it to death, but we cannot change it.

I had to cut ties completely with him. Because.....I deserve better. And so do you!!!

 

Ha! Sounds like the same guy. My ex is super-clingy. I actually mistook that for devotion there initially. That, coupled with the need for constant attention when the SO away, is obviously deeply rooted in insecurity. I just... wth with the dishonesty? I guess if I could understand that, though, I'd be more like him!

 

Thanks for the compassion, DollyGirl.

[orangelady]

Well if he really disgusts you and you guys are broken up, then what exactly are we talking about? I think this is a case closed type of situation.

 

As a man, I will tell you this. Guys don't change. We are who we are. Some are normal, some are cheaters, some are players, some are clingy, some are romantic etc etc. To me, a couple is like a nut and a bolt. Both the nut and the bolt need to have the same dimension and threading in order for the nut to fit on the bolt. You can't force it, otherwise you will destroy both the nut and the bolt. The analogy is that people either click together and everything is simple or they don't and everything is difficult.

 

Based on your story I don't think this is the right guy for you. Clearly, you are way too different. So why are you killing yourself agonizing over someone whom is so different than you?

 

Why don't you just go NC, give yourself some time to get over all the drama, and then go find a guy whom you're truly compatible with and who will make you happy because he won't be in any online dating sites behind your back. Accept that this guy is not for you. The faster you accept it the better for you.

 

You are God...

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UGH I dated a guy like this once. We only dated a couple months...but everytime we had a fight...he would RUN back to his online dating sights. He was VERY immature...(and he was 29 at the time)...and I think he was just looking for some outside attention.

 

This guy also told me over text message that he loved me....2 weeks after we met...right after he called me a bitch.

 

LOL. I think certain kinds of people just have different coping styles. I think maybe his way of dealing with the problems is to have some kind of other outlet. Not exactly a GOOD thing...and shady...but that could be it.

 

Ha! Yea - I do think it's a need for constant attention. And a way to stave off the anxiety of the impending breakup. Yah - I think I'd go with coping mechanism, then. If he told me he wanted to see other people, that would have ended the relationship. And he didn't want to end the relationship; he just wanted to have 'something else' to turn to if it ended. That would explain a lot. Actually, that really makes sense when you factor in the insecurity from which all of this other stuff - the lying, the neediness, etc. - spawns.

 

I thank you all and appreciate hearing your stories and thoughts. It really helps. Doesn't make me like him, but I think I 'get' it. Pity the fool...

[DollyGirl12]

You're welcome. Coping mechanism,,,,could be, but the deeper issue is that it's their character. It's unhealthy and it's also destructive and hurtful to others.

When we see that this is the way that some "cope" with their issues or problems it's time to run for the hills. Otherwise we will be stuck in a vicious cycle everytime there is an issue in the relationship.

As I said in a different post, when my ex had his online dating site up, when we first met, anyone would have thought he was the perfect bachelor. I guess that would have been true if I had my head buried in the sand all day!

[JasonRules]

You are God...

 

 

If I said "I know", would that make me a cocky SOB or just aware of my God-like qualities?

[lapse]

You're welcome. Coping mechanism,,,,could be, but the deeper issue is that it's their character. It's unhealthy and it's also destructive and hurtful to others.

When we see that this is the way that some "cope" with their issues or problems it's time to run for the hills. Otherwise we will be stuck in a vicious cycle everytime there is an issue in the relationship.

As I said in a different post, when my ex had his online dating site up, when we first met, anyone would have thought he was the perfect bachelor. I guess that would have been true if I had my head buried in the sand all day!

 

Absolutely. Thank you! I'm so glad I'm not still hoping for The Miracle. I passed this quote on to someone else and wish I had followed this the first time...

 

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." -Maya Angelou

 

I'm sure that this relationship - and my staying in it - will ultimately have served some positive purpose. I definitely have a keener sense of what I will and will not tolerate and, probably, a better sense of what kind of things a person can and cannot change. Cap on the toothpaste - probably changeable. Flailing insecurity or even mild dishonesty - not so much.

 

I will say - I promise I'm not thinking of returning to that relationship. It does help to understand how it could have happened. On its face, that last scenario was just weird!

[SingVoice]

VERY proud of you lapse. Way to go for having such a positive attitude about all of it.

 

Yeah just think...if y'all got married...would he run to another woman everytime there was a fight? I think he definitely needs to learn how to deal with his feelings. People inability to cope with things is astounding. Life is full of surprises...often bad ones! You have to know how to deal with things in a MATURE manner.

 

GO YOU!