topdeck1 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Hello all, So this is killing me, the girl I love cheated on me with my best friend. First off this does come down to what I have done. My girlfriend has had a hard up bringing where I have been a bit more lucky. A year ago my mates were making plans on going overseas, I wanted to go as well but my girlfriend did not have the money. I told them that I couldn't go but then a few months later they had bought the tickets, I quickly called the travel agent to find out details and get the prices. I went home and had a quick chat to my girlfriend and decided even though she was not happy with me going, to plan and pay for tickets. After months of crying and her being depressed about this and other things we came into some money from an accident we were involved in and she now had more then enough to pay for the trip though I still didnt get her on the itinerary (I didn't think that it was possible). The time quickly came around to leave and she was a mess, a big mess she would wake up crying, in a sweat shaking me. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I love this girl so much, I want to propose to her this year and I went away. I come back and my friends tell me she was a mess, she told me she was a mess and I could tell. Straight away she told me something happened, she kissed my best friend. She was very much under the influence of some drugs and very drunk. Now a few months later: Last night she asked if I had spoken to him about anything I said no, then she confronted me and told me that she had sex, or almost. It was brief and very regretful. She was mess she said. Now I am willing to forgive, for some reason I am happy to be with her as a few weeks ago she broke it off but I begged to be with her. What do you guys think? am I stupid. I have never cheated or gone anywhere near but I have been selfish, disrespectful in the relationship and I think she deserves forgiveness as I can tell it wont happen again.
utterer of lies Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Now a few months later: Last night she asked if I had spoken to him about anything I said no, then she confronted me and told me that she had sex, or almost. It was brief and very regretful. She was mess she said. Now I am willing to forgive, for some reason I am happy to be with her as a few weeks ago she broke it off but I begged to be with her. The one good thing is that she told you by herself. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Nothing that you did is the cause of her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to. It is a choice she made, and a character flaw in her. It's nothing to do with you going away or not paying for her or her crying or any of those EXCUSES that she has fed you. There is NO justification for cheating. You may think it's good that she confesses and that means that she is truly sorry. But what you are getting called trickle truth. That means you get the story one piece at a time, to make it seem not so bad, and so it's not such a big shock to you. First it was just a kiss. Then it is "almost" sex. What will happen next month, she will admit it was full sex but only once? Then another month later she will admit it was sex multiple times? You cannot believe what she is saying because she is a cheater and a liar. What is she doing to restore your trust in her? What consequences have her actions caused your relationship? What motivation does she have to not cheat again? Are you still in contact with your ex best friend?
Author topdeck1 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I just know it was a one off thing, she has admitted it all and is very scared. She cherishes me and I know it, shes had a hard life and brought up the wrong way. When I went away she went to counseling because she didn't feel like herself. Its not my fault entirely but if I hadn't been so selfish and realized I, this wouldn't have happened. I won't speak to the ex-best friend again, not after 15 years of friendship. She told him that he could have been more of a friend and got away or stopped. She was absolutely written off on substances and was abusing the bottle. Its not entirely her fault. I believe that trust can be restored, the way she has looked and felt in the past has told me this has never happened. Substances can change what people think and feel. It wasn't her that was there but a very intoxicated person. But I'm not trying to tell myself her excuses or excuse her. They were very close friends and he was there for her when I went away but she just got to close and made a huge mistake and realized it once it was happening.
PegNosePete Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I just know it was a one off thing, she has admitted it all and is very scared. So if there is more to the story, she has a good motive to hide it. She is scared of your reaction. This is why she lied to you about it initially. What makes you so sure that she is not lying now as well? Weren't you similarly "sure" that she had told you everything before she told you about the "almost sex"? shes had a hard life and brought up the wrong way. Excuses. A hard life does not give her permission to cheat. if I hadn't been so selfish and realized I, this wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't been so selfish and cheated on you then this wouldn't have happened. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. She chose to cheat. You didn't force her. She told him that he could have been more of a friend and got away or stopped. She could have been more of a girlfriend and not cheated on you. She was absolutely written off on substances and was abusing the bottle. Its not entirely her fault. Oh come on. Did someone hold a gun to her head and force her to take "substances" and drink from the bottle? She is responsible for her own actions. STOP making excuses for her behaviour. You seem determined not to lay the blame where it truly lies: AT HER FEET. It wasn't her that was there Who was it then? Monica Bellucci perhaps? Amy Winehouse? Dawn French? Come on. Stop BSing yourself. It was her. She did it. Like it or not it's the truth. she just got to close and made a huge mistake and realized it once it was happening. Come on dude. Stop kidding yourself. She made a CHOICE not a mistake and she did NOT stop when she "realized" what was happening. She covered it up from you. She lied to you (and probably still is lying). She does not take responsibility for her actions. There is no way you can rebuild your relationship until she owns her actions.
Memphis Raines Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 She cheated after 3 years. What do I do? dump her
whammy Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 you went on a trip with friends. and she cheated on you with your best friend and broke up with you?... shes also does drugs. your a mess, I think you should fight to get her back and you two live in a drug and cheating infested world...
EmperorR Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You run. Stop listening to th bs stories cheaters tell you, forgive her take her back in a few weeks or a month you"ll see a number pop up on her celly you will find text msgs or emails of her talking with a guy. Cut your losses now!
WorldIsYours Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 you went on a trip with friends. and she cheated on you with your best friend and broke up with you?... shes also does drugs. your a mess, I think you should fight to get her back and you two live in a drug and cheating infested world... Exactly. Topdeck you do not need someone as horrible as this trash. Dump her in your garbage can.
Woggle Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 It is my belief that if you are not married to somebody and you don't have kids and they cheat you then break up. It is not worth wasting your time and energy with somebody that treats you like this. Get out now while you can.
drifter777 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 It is my belief that if you are not married to somebody and you don't have kids and they cheat you then break up. It is not worth wasting your time and energy with somebody that treats you like this. Get out now while you can. Completly agree! Trying to salvage a relationship after infidelity is the hardest thing there is - much harder than you can imagine. Why put yourself through this hell with so little at stake? You'll get over this and find another girl in no time and be very happy you didn't try to make it work with this person who cheated on you, with your friend no less.
ComputerJock Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You said she cherishes you, she shows it by cheating? Come on dude stop taking the stupid pills and wake up.
SxB Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) Hello all, So this is killing me, the girl I love cheated on me with my best friend. First off this does come down to what I have done. My girlfriend has had a hard up bringing where I have been a bit more lucky. A year ago my mates were making plans on going overseas, I wanted to go as well but my girlfriend did not have the money. I told them that I couldn't go but then a few months later they had bought the tickets, I quickly called the travel agent to find out details and get the prices. I went home and had a quick chat to my girlfriend and decided even though she was not happy with me going, to plan and pay for tickets. After months of crying and her being depressed about this and other things we came into some money from an accident we were involved in and she now had more then enough to pay for the trip though I still didnt get her on the itinerary (I didn't think that it was possible). The time quickly came around to leave and she was a mess, a big mess she would wake up crying, in a sweat shaking me. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I love this girl so much, I want to propose to her this year and I went away. I come back and my friends tell me she was a mess, she told me she was a mess and I could tell. Straight away she told me something happened, she kissed my best friend. She was very much under the influence of some drugs and very drunk. Now a few months later: Last night she asked if I had spoken to him about anything I said no, then she confronted me and told me that she had sex, or almost. It was brief and very regretful. She was mess she said. Now I am willing to forgive, for some reason I am happy to be with her as a few weeks ago she broke it off but I begged to be with her. What do you guys think? am I stupid. I have never cheated or gone anywhere near but I have been selfish, disrespectful in the relationship and I think she deserves forgiveness as I can tell it wont happen again. It depends what you want, and then that will judge for you personally whether or not you are being a doormat. Being passive is based off what you want. Trust is built off compatibility you have with some one, there can be no trust if you don't find yourself compatible with somebody or compatible with certain views/ways they have and are. So inevitably, if you think you can still be compatible with her knowing she has cheated and knowing she could again because she has showed you some true colors and how she is right now as a person, then stay with her and find a way to cope. If you don't think you will be compatible with this type of behavior of hers, then you know your answer. Rule: Cheaters DO change OVER TIME and it can be in 10 years from now, you have no idea when it will happen but it won't be any time soon, and you can't base anything off that it's too unpredictable, you can only base things off the recent and current and near future and take things as is for who they are now tomorrow might not exist. When you really love some one you love the way they are, flaws and all, and so you wouldn't expect anything about them to change. I can't tell you what you have to do and how to view things you have your own views/beliefs as your own individual, so it's up to you, solely. Edited April 2, 2011 by SxB
blackwidow290 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I can relate to this story. I have cheated on my boyfriend once with no other precedents.. and while I acknowledge that it showed my weak character, it was a lesson and led to growth for me. the primary reason is feeling emotionally neglected or as about to get hurt ..and it seems here that she felt threatened by the fact that you were going away without her. its not justified, but it can make a person very emotional.. and lead them to seek affection in the wrong way. also, I can relate to having a hard upbringing, it can make one more mistrustful and more likely to screw up something good .. I can totally understand her confusion and the emotional mess afterwards..as I have felt it too. I too told my boyfriend and felt destroyed and realized that I would never do something as painful and made me feel so out of control again. People are quick to judge that cheaters will always be cheaters and unworthy of second chances.. you can only know how she truly feels towards you and how regretful she is. If anything, I felt touched by my boyfriend's forgiveness and I love him more for it. I know I would never hurt him and myself again. Listen to your heart.
Memphis Raines Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 People are quick to judge that cheaters will always be cheaters and unworthy of second chances.. you can only know how she truly feels towards you and how regretful she is. If anything, I felt touched by my boyfriend's forgiveness and I love him more for it. I know I would never hurt him and myself again. Listen to your heart. well what have you done to make it up to him? what have you done to make him think you will never do it again?
blackwidow290 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Ive been showing my trustworthiness by putting more effort into the relationship, calling more often, more time together, baking for him etc even though he hasn't demanded it. I love him more for forgiving. He made a choice to let it in the past and think long term. Its your decision. Having cheated once doesnt make you automatically into a bad person with perpetual cheating habits. It does show immaturity.. going to that hell and back was growth for me and makes me appreciate what i have more. my experience and opinion.
seibert253 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Ive been showing my trustworthiness by putting more effort into the relationship, calling more often, more time together, baking for him etc even though he hasn't demanded it. I love him more for forgiving. He made a choice to let it in the past and think long term. Its your decision. Having cheated once doesnt make you automatically into a bad person with perpetual cheating habits. It does show immaturity.. going to that hell and back was growth for me and makes me appreciate what i have more. my experience and opinion. You know, we all stumble, fall, and sometimes make really bad choices. It's not about not screwing up, we all do and will. It's about what you do after you screw up. Taking responsibility and making an honest effort to repair what you damaged. BW hats off to you for owning up to it, and working to fix it.
Memphis Raines Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Ive been showing my trustworthiness by putting more effort into the relationship, calling more often, more time together, baking for him etc even though he hasn't demanded it. I love him more for forgiving. He made a choice to let it in the past and think long term. Its your decision. Having cheated once doesnt make you automatically into a bad person with perpetual cheating habits. while I might, and this is a big might, tend to agree with the bolded part if cheating once, i sure am not going to take that chance on whether or not its true. thats just me. I know most men wouldn't really want to continue in a relationship with a woman that got off with some other guy. so hopefully you don't take his forgiveness and make a fool out of him.
Memphis Raines Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You know, we all stumble, fall, and sometimes make really bad choices. problem is, the "choice" to cheat involved desire. and I realize that choice came from desire. Therefore I would not want to continue with someone, no matter how good their intentions are, that had the desire to be with someone else when committed to me. If someone else can forgive that, then its their "choice". But then they are staying with someone that wanted someone else and went for it.
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 just because you have a hard up bringing doesn't mean that a person can't tell the difference between wrong and right.
blackwidow290 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Memphis Raines, I really like your point about desire and when explained like that it does make cheating unforgivable. I really see your point..I think that it was immaturity on my part and I had to learn the value of loyalty, directing desire to the right person.. healthy patterns and life lessons in right and wrong. I see your point though.. and it is indeed a very high risk to take back a partner who has cheated.
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