Gentlegirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 My affair ended 15 weeks ago and I was beginning to feel human again. My 83 year old mother did what I consider to be a very mean thing. She said she did it because I was so hurt and she loves me. She saw ex MM with his wife and took the opportunity of making him very uncomfortable. They met once as he wanted to know her. I'm not exactly sure what she said to them both but it involved my name and information that not everbody would know about him. I am guessing he will have a lot of explaining to do. I feel sick about it. I could never do that to him or anybody. I don't wish to make contact again but I am worried that a lot of damage has been done. I know... I can't do a thing about it. It has just brought everything back to me when I was getting along a lot better. My impulse is to contact him and apologize for her... PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO DO IT!
woinlove Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 My affair ended 15 weeks ago and I was beginning to feel human again. My 83 year old mother did what I consider to be a very mean thing. She said she did it because I was so hurt and she loves me. She saw ex MM with his wife and took the opportunity of making him very uncomfortable. They met once as he wanted to know her. I'm not exactly sure what she said to them both but it involved my name and information that not everbody would know about him. I am guessing he will have a lot of explaining to do. I feel sick about it. I could never do that to him or anybody. I don't wish to make contact again but I am worried that a lot of damage has been done. I know... I can't do a thing about it. It has just brought everything back to me when I was getting along a lot better. My impulse is to contact him and apologize for her... PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO DO IT! Don't let this set back all the progress you have made in the past 15 weeks and don't contact him or her. It sounds like your mother reacted because she feels so bad about you and I'm sure she doesn't want to see you further hurt by worrying about this. If xMM is being honest and open with his wife, he has nothing to worry about due to whatever your mother said as he simply will tell the truth. If he is continuing to lie and deceive, well, then, he will likely just lie and deceive some more. Nothing you can do about that if that is the way he chooses to live his life. As to his wife, if she is being hurt by her husband's continuing deceit, that is unfortunate, but he is now the one doing it. It sounds like you are out of his life and you can't control how he treats others. If your mother said enough that she actually has some truth now, then, very likely there will be extremely rough times for the two of them, but most betrayed spouses feel they would rather have the truth than live a lie. So, for all you know, your mother did her a favor. In any case, you say you were just starting to feel human again. Focus on yourself and making sure that you continue to feel better and learn to protect yourself from doing things in the future that make you feel so awful.
Silly_Girl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Do nothing. It's entirely his problem, not yours. Continue with your progress. YOU did nothing wrong. Consider yourself forgiven. Go have fun!
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I agree with SG. He isn't your problem anymore..The A is over. Sucks that your mom took it upon herself to get involved, but what's done is done. Lesson learned too, be careful what you tell family, friends about other people's personal stuff. If it was intrusted to you, then telling someone else when you weren't supposed to, sadly can come back and haunt you, like your mom talking to your exmm and his wife.
greengoddess Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Why would he have wanted to meet your mom? Did he think he was that great of a catch that your mom would love him regardless of being married? Sucks to be him. It's not your problem anymore. Just be honest if his wife calls you.
findingnemo Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 The thing is there are consequences to having As for MPs and hurting someone's child is one of them. I like your mother. She didn't do anything wrong and simply acted in truth. Let the chips fall where they may...and maintain NC. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Flabbergaster Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 reason # 1064332 to never tell your parents anything, i suppose Certainly don't contact now; she's probably watching him like a hawk. You'd just make it worse. Ask yourself how likely he is to realize that your mother said this without your involvement. Anyone who knows me well, for example, would know that anything mean my mother does is "all her" and that she would never listen to anything I asked her to do / not do. Probably he is able to realize that she did this out of spite, and doesn't hold you accountable. After all, if you were going to stab him in the back you wouldn't need to use an 83 year old woman to do it. You could do it with a letter, a phone call, a personal appearance, etc.
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Do nothing. Your mom is great! Punked by a parent. I like it.
QueenVictoria Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 My affair ended 15 weeks ago and I was beginning to feel human again. My 83 year old mother did what I consider to be a very mean thing. She said she did it because I was so hurt and she loves me. She saw ex MM with his wife and took the opportunity of making him very uncomfortable. They met once as he wanted to know her. I'm not exactly sure what she said to them both but it involved my name and information that not everbody would know about him. I am guessing he will have a lot of explaining to do. I feel sick about it. I could never do that to him or anybody. I don't wish to make contact again but I am worried that a lot of damage has been done. I know... I can't do a thing about it. It has just brought everything back to me when I was getting along a lot better. My impulse is to contact him and apologize for her... PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO DO IT! don't use as an excuse to contact the worm - that would be a set back
SunsetRed Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Actually, I see nothing wrong with apologizing for what your mother did. If I were in your situation, I'd send a brief email apologizing for your mom's behavior and let him know that it is your desire to not interfere with his life at all. I also agree with the poster who said that your story proves why we should never tell our parents anything. I'm blessed that at 43, I still have both my parents alive, but I could see one or both of them doing something like your mom did. I currently live 6 hours away from my parents. They are unable to drive to see me, so I do all the visiting and this helps me keep my life very private.
greengoddess Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Actually, I see nothing wrong with apologizing for what your mother did. If I were in your situation, I'd send a brief email apologizing for your mom's behavior and let him know that it is your desire to not interfere with his life at all. I also agree with the poster who said that your story proves why we should never tell our parents anything. I'm blessed that at 43, I still have both my parents alive, but I could see one or both of them doing something like your mom did. I currently live 6 hours away from my parents. They are unable to drive to see me, so I do all the visiting and this helps me keep my life very private. the wife is on the alert. she should not contact him.
TurboGirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Do Not Contact. Not your problem. Such is life events... you have no control over what your Mom does. Let your xMM figure out how to squirm his way out of it. If the wife does contact you, AGAIN, Not you problem. Tell her if she has any questions, go as her husband and hang up the phone. You don't owe her jack. This is all about protecting yourself... who gives a rat's a** about your xMM and his wife?
SidLyon Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Actually, I see nothing wrong with apologizing for what your mother did. If I were in your situation, I'd send a brief email apologizing for your mom's behavior and let him know that it is your desire to not interfere with his life at all. I also agree with the poster who said that your story proves why we should never tell our parents anything. I'm blessed that at 43, I still have both my parents alive, but I could see one or both of them doing something like your mom did. I currently live 6 hours away from my parents. They are unable to drive to see me, so I do all the visiting and this helps me keep my life very private. I have a personal policy of never apologising for my family. Nothing to do with infidelity but it's stood me in good stead. I have occasionally weakened and apologised for my children's behaviour though. I don't agree anyway with Sunset's suggestion if you want to maintain NC.
Carrot2000 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Your mother did you a favor. She just made your NC even easier because there's no way MM will try to weasel his way back into your life now that his wife is suspicious. You should thank your mom for looking out for you instead of apologizing for her behavior.
Author Gentlegirl Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I appreciate all your comments, understanding and support. As you all know, it is difficult to find if you are the other one. Ex MM lied when he was caught making a phone call to me 15 weeks ago. To my knowledge he never ever told her the truth. He said somebody in the Seniors group he attends had a big thing for him and was stalking him. I am 63 and he is 69. You'd think we are old enough to know better but there you have it. Anyway, I have lost the urge to contact him. Yes it's over. He's not my problem. If Mother gave him something to think about, then so be it. I'm not going to apologize for her. She was good and mad with him for hurting me and that has to be on her conscience. I now know what she said and he will be answering some pretty searching questions. Thanks to you all again..... I love this forum. Your mother did you a favor. She just made your NC even easier because there's no way MM will try to weasel his way back into your life now that his wife is suspicious. You should thank your mom for looking out for you instead of apologizing for her behavior.
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