FightClub Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I've noticed a few threads and posters mentioning as a response to questions about NC ( No Contact ), which is better to rant to the AP or to simply stay silent as it speaks higher volume than any rant or note to said AP. I'm curious, purely as psychology and dealing with the ending of relationships despite who initiated NC, how powerful is silence when dealing with your AP? I know from my own experience with an ex-girlfriend, she literally stopped communicating and sent me a note saying she couldn't continue and went NC. What's scary is we weren't close, only together for 3 months but it hit me hard. It felt like I was repeating something with xMW, even though in the end it went on for a year but more or less ended the same way, only I got more intimate with xMW than I ever did with my ex. I just find it interesting how silence plays such an integral part of the healing. Thoughts? -FC
East7 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I don't really get your point. NC is to take control of yourself and the situation and don't let the MW reach you out whenever she likes it. When it is over it is over, LTR/A/LDR whatever it is. NC is the best way: 1- To end it with dignity. 2- To get over a toxic relationship that is going nowhere. 3- To stop pinning and instead seeing new people and moving on. 4- To heal, forget, have fun, taking care of yourself, instead of wasting time pinning. If the xMW contacts you, ask yourself: what is she contacting me for? Is she divorced, ready to come back and start a life with you? Probably not! NC break is called "fishing", just checking to see if you are always in love with her and running back like a puppy. Sometimes it may also be the withdrawal and the nostalgia, but it is extremely rare that AP breaking NC does that in order to give you a second chance.
Author FightClub Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) East, Okay, omit my mentioning exMW, that was not the point of the post...LOL! Dude, you don't have to reiterate what the purpose of NC, it's helped me over the past six months, so there's no question about that. The main point is; What are people's opinion about how powerful silence is to the exAP, you always hear someone say and myself included at one point; ' Oh, I'm so frustrated I just want to write him/her a letter about how I feel!' and then the response for advice is, ' don't write anything, silence speaks louder than words' The question I'm asking is, how powerful do you really think silence is and what kind of impact/statement does it show to the other person when you keep NC without faltering, staying steadfast and not breaking it. I just find it very interesting when it comes to giving one's self power back, this concept of 'me not saying anything' and that person knowing that I'm not going to say anything is pretty impressive. BTW - East, I love ya man, you crack me up...hope your NC has been well maintained! -FC Edited March 31, 2011 by FightClub
Spark1111 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 East, Okay, omit my mentioning exMW, that was not the point of the post...LOL! Dude, you don't have to reiterate what the purpose of NC, it's helped me over the past six months, so there's no question about that. The main point is; What are people's opinion about how powerful silence is to the exAP, you always hear someone say and myself included at one point; ' Oh, I'm so frustrated I just want to write him/her a letter about how I feel!' and then the response for advice is, ' don't write anything, silence speaks louder than words' The question I'm asking is, how powerful do you really think silence is and what kind of impact/statement does it show to the other person when you keep NC without faltering, staying steadfast and not breaking it. I just find it very interesting when it comes to giving one's self power back, this concept of 'me not saying anything' and that person knowing that I'm not going to say anything is pretty impressive. BTW - East, I love ya man, you crack me up...hope your NC has been well maintained! -FC I think silence is a position of power. I think it shows by action, not words, the strength of your conviction that it is over BECAUSE.... there is nothing left to say, to convince one's self or another, to argue about, to rehash, to continue the rollercoaster or going around in circles. It is done, cauterized, over and out! I cannot beg, cajole, plead, cry, seduce, convince or re-initiate with you because I will not even speak to you. Silence is an extremely powerful action and reaction to a situation or person I am moving on and away from.
East7 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) East, Okay, omit my mentioning exMW, that was not the point of the post...LOL! Dude, you don't have to reiterate what the purpose of NC, it's helped me over the past six months, so there's no question about that. The main point is; What are people's opinion about how powerful silence is to the exAP, you always hear someone say and myself included at one point; ' Oh, I'm so frustrated I just want to write him/her a letter about how I feel!' and then the response for advice is, ' don't write anything, silence speaks louder than words' The question I'm asking is, how powerful do you really think silence is and what kind of impact/statement does it show to the other person when you keep NC without faltering, staying steadfast and not breaking it. I just find it very interesting when it comes to giving one's self power back, this concept of 'me not saying anything' and that person knowing that I'm not going to say anything is pretty impressive. BTW - East, I love ya man, you crack me up...hope your NC has been well maintained! -FC Thanks buddy Well, hard to say what impact it has on the other person, it depends on many factors. One thing is for sure, they haven't forgotten you. NC conditions the brain to filter and keep positive memories rather than negatives. There is a saying "You may forget what you have been talking with a person, but you never forget the way you have felt with that person". No matter how much the MP can be happy with his/her spouse they hardly forget about AP. The AP is always the lost escape-paradise, the island where the MP went to escape from the reality. Each time the MP will be bored or angry with the BS, they will inevitably think about the AP. Does it brings anything positive for you? No.. "Not saying anything" is uselful because words are unecessary. Things come to a point where there is nothing interesting to say. Also needless to look for endless closures..There is a bottom-line which is the MP picked the BS over you. Your silence is saying "good luck and goodbye, at this point I don't want to have anything else to do with you". Now ask yourself the question: would you ever take her back if she comes to you? I guess the answer is not easy. Once you have been thrown under the bus, it is hard to trust again...When trust is gone there is not much to keep two people together in any kind of relationship. Talking about my NC, it has been hard because she kept coming back and forth for a couple of months, but I told her I don't want any further contact and she is respecting that. Edited March 31, 2011 by East7
siuys Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think silence is powerful because it's easier to say something, anything, than to maintain silence with conviction. For me, this time, silence is my protection - no more new hurts, no more drama, no more dysfunction A, just no more. It's also enabling me to move on and day by day, he fades a little bit more from my life. Without the silence, this would take a lot longer I believe. But I also think it will only be successful if you are ready for silence, not think you should do it because of this or that, or because you want to use silence to prompt the MP to do something.
silverplanets Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I've noticed a few threads and posters mentioning as a response to questions about NC ( No Contact ), which is better to rant to the AP or to simply stay silent as it speaks higher volume than any rant or note to said AP. I'm curious, purely as psychology and dealing with the ending of relationships despite who initiated NC, how powerful is silence when dealing with your AP? I know from my own experience with an ex-girlfriend, she literally stopped communicating and sent me a note saying she couldn't continue and went NC. What's scary is we weren't close, only together for 3 months but it hit me hard. It felt like I was repeating something with xMW, even though in the end it went on for a year but more or less ended the same way, only I got more intimate with xMW than I ever did with my ex. I just find it interesting how silence plays such an integral part of the healing. Thoughts? -FC From an entirely personal perspective: I think the power of the silence is that without anything else to listen to then you begin to hear yourself. First perhaps in anger and pain, then perhaps in loss etc etc. Eventually, after all these sounds have surfaced and been let out, if you keep the noise and drama of other people's lives away from you then you begin to hear something else inside you. You begin to hear a real you. How far and how deep that person is locked away depends (imhe) on factors earlier in your life. And if you can keep the silence long enough to encourage the sounds of any such suppressed pain out then you discover that the only sound is peace and joy deep inside of you. I don't think this has *anything* to do with any affair partner or any other partner other than you create a temporary silence in their life - which they can choose to fill with drama or look deep inside depending upon their wishes. Should they look deep inside then they will be on their own journey of discovery - which will be nothing to do with you. That is the power of silence for me - it allows you to look and hear deep inside yourself. Hope that makes some sense :-) Chris :-)
siuys Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 From an entirely personal perspective: I think the power of the silence is that without anything else to listen to then you begin to hear yourself. First perhaps in anger and pain, then perhaps in loss etc etc. Eventually, after all these sounds have surfaced and been let out, if you keep the noise and drama of other people's lives away from you then you begin to hear something else inside you. You begin to hear a real you. How far and how deep that person is locked away depends (imhe) on factors earlier in your life. And if you can keep the silence long enough to encourage the sounds of any such suppressed pain out then you discover that the only sound is peace and joy deep inside of you. I don't think this has *anything* to do with any affair partner or any other partner other than you create a temporary silence in their life - which they can choose to fill with drama or look deep inside depending upon their wishes. Should they look deep inside then they will be on their own journey of discovery - which will be nothing to do with you. That is the power of silence for me - it allows you to look and hear deep inside yourself. Hope that makes some sense :-) Chris :-) Great post as per usual, Chris! I think a lot of people are afraid of silence... they feel that there is a deep, dark hole and they don't want to look inside. They want to cover it up with something, anything...
Circular Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks buddy Well, hard to say what impact it has on the other person, it depends on many factors. One thing is for sure, they haven't forgotten you. NC conditions the brain to filter and keep positive memories rather than negatives. There is a saying "You may forget what you have been talking with a person, but you never forget the way you have felt with that person". No matter how much the MP can be happy with his/her spouse they hardly forget about AP. The AP is always the lost escape-paradise, the island where the MP went to escape from the reality. Each time the MP will be bored or angry with the BS, they will inevitably think about the AP. Does it brings anything positive for you? No.. "Not saying anything" is uselful because words are unecessary. Things come to a point where there is nothing interesting to say. Also needless to look for endless closures..There is a bottom-line which is the MP picked the BS over you. Your silence is saying "good luck and goodbye, at this point I don't want to have anything else to do with you". Now ask yourself the question: would you ever take her back if she comes to you? I guess the answer is not easy. Once you have been thrown under the bus, it is hard to trust again...When trust is gone there is not much to keep two people together in any kind of relationship. Talking about my NC, it has been hard because she kept coming back and forth for a couple of months, but I told her I don't want any further contact and she is respecting that. East, I'm always surprised how our situations in some ways parallel each other. Like you, my xAP seems to pop out of the brush ever so often and drop me an innocuous note, always creating a reaction that I don't expect whatsoever. Since the last contact with her she's gone completely silent again, maybe she's starting to realize what me being NC is about. I tend to agree with your assessment above, I believe though as humans we are wired to minimize negative experiences and hold onto more positive emotional experiences. When you think about it it makes sense, as a species we'd be extinct if we let negative emotional memory stick around to long as it would stop us from moving forward, or re-doing an arduous task. I think silence is powerful because it's a deliberate action. There's no denying that when someone is 'silent' that it's intentional. I have no doubt my xAP has gone through a range of emotions from being understanding to being pissed off about it. But, I said my final words, she knows where I stand and I really don't see that there's anything to discuss. Do I miss her, care about her, think about her often still, yes to all. I look at NC as standing my ground, keeping my pride and dignity, taking my power back over a situation that spun out of control. There's a debate I've read on NC when I was first doing it. It's the debate if NC really works or if it just 'stows away' our emotions, defers them. I've actually experienced this myself when dating in college, broke up with a girlfriend, went NC (just my style), and we didn't speak for 2 years. Bumped into her in a class one day, had that whole 'time dilation' thing where it seems like it's been a week since we last talked, wound up dating again. I think that's the bigger issue with NC, which is that it doesn't kill the emotion, it just stores it away. Our emotions don't really have a sense of time, it's why we can still recall hard emotional experiences back to our childhood and still 'feel' it. It's also why after nearly a year if my xAP sends me an email I'm transported back 12 months.... I didn't think it was possible, oh quite on the contrary.
East7 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 It's the debate if NC really works or if it just 'stows away' our emotions, defers them. I've actually experienced this myself when dating in college, broke up with a girlfriend, went NC (just my style), and we didn't speak for 2 years. Bumped into her in a class one day, had that whole 'time dilation' thing where it seems like it's been a week since we last talked, wound up dating again. I think that's the bigger issue with NC, which is that it doesn't kill the emotion, it just stores it away. Our emotions don't really have a sense of time, it's why we can still recall hard emotional experiences back to our childhood and still 'feel' it. It's also why after nearly a year if my xAP sends me an email I'm transported back 12 months.... I didn't think it was possible, oh quite on the contrary. This is very true. NC doesn't kill the emotions but rather makes them latent, or as you say stores them away to make them bearable and controlled. The emotions can pop up and easily rekindle as soon as the contact is reestablished. If I happened to bump into xMW in 2, 3 or 5 years, I know I would crush again. Keeping contact is feeding the feelings on daily basis, thus not moving on and being emotionally addicted and unavailable for someone who is a better fit.
secretlady76 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 NC works the most successfully when both parties understand that NC is the way forward permenantley. It doesn't work when one decides on NC leaving the AP in the dark about what is going on. The AP then keeps contacting them trying to find out what's happening to them, wanting answers, wanting to know where they've gone. In return they get silent treatment which only upsets them further. Best to say. 'no more, NC from now on' and both parties are clear about this. NC is powerful for the person who initiates it because they get their power back and control of their future. They are also giving out a strong message to the other person to leave them alone. For the person who didn't initiate it, as much as it is tempting to keep contacting the other person, the best thing you can do is to not do it. Go NC yourself. Main reason is, when one is very emotional you do and say some stupid things that you later live to regret. By going NC as well, you prevent yourself from contacting the other person with some emotionally charged message; verbal/text/email, which normally is ignored, so you send another one, normally more cringe worthy than the first, which, when read by the other person (and ignored), only cements their thoughts that NC with the AP was the right decision to make, they are obviously barking mad. NC is a forever thing, not for 2 months, 6 months, 3 years. You will find that if your path crosses with your AP years down the line, however small, it will stir the feelings again. I will also say here that talking about it on LoveShack does, in a way, keep the thing going too, because you are still investing time talking about it, dissecting it, analysing it. You may be well to stop that too. You can disguise it as 'supporting other people' but really you're still talking about your experiences and trying to find answers you'll never get.
JaneyAmazed Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 From an entirely personal perspective: I think the power of the silence is that without anything else to listen to then you begin to hear yourself. First perhaps in anger and pain, then perhaps in loss etc etc. Eventually, after all these sounds have surfaced and been let out, if you keep the noise and drama of other people's lives away from you then you begin to hear something else inside you. You begin to hear a real you. How far and how deep that person is locked away depends (imhe) on factors earlier in your life. And if you can keep the silence long enough to encourage the sounds of any such suppressed pain out then you discover that the only sound is peace and joy deep inside of you. I don't think this has *anything* to do with any affair partner or any other partner other than you create a temporary silence in their life - which they can choose to fill with drama or look deep inside depending upon their wishes. Should they look deep inside then they will be on their own journey of discovery - which will be nothing to do with you. That is the power of silence for me - it allows you to look and hear deep inside yourself. Hope that makes some sense :-) Chris :-) There is so much truth in this post. One of the best benefits of staying NC has been that I've been forced to look deep within myself. I've grown closer to God than ever. I feel so much lighter and freer than I ever have. I agree that NC has a way of tricking the mind to only remember good things, but most of the time I'm reminded of the positive changes in my life. For me, NC has been so rewarding. I do have bad days. Sometimes a trigger will ruin my mood, but it always passes. For me, NC has made me stronger. I've proven to myself that my marriage is more important than anything, that emotions do not rule my life anymore. Another benefit of NC is that I have grown closer to my husband. It hasn't been forced. The void that xOM was filling is not being filled my H, and that all I ever wanted.
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