Is every man on the planet afraid of commitment?

[zengirl]

I've got a graduate degree and I learned from the books I mentioned. But here you are with basic misconceptions about men and thinking you are too intelligent for them, okay.

 

Honestly, my impression from your posts is that men probably find you emotionally exhausting and difficult. Good luck though.

 

I've read the books and find them superficial. Why is my saying so such an affront to you? I also have a graduate degree. . . though I'm not sure what that has to do with the books. Glad those books helped you, but I find them to be very reductive of human nature.

 

I've not had a man tell me I was emotionally exhausting/difficult/anything of the sort, really. I've also not had too many men leave me, and I've had many try to rely on me to make them happier/more comfortable/etc. So. . . I cannot really reconcile your assessment of my character with my experiences. Maybe I'm more condescending in writing, or maybe my friends and the men I date are just as "condescending" as me, I don't know. I am certainly opinonated and would never claim not to be, but I don't see how that's condescending. I've never claimed to be "better" than you by asserting my opinion of something.

Edited April 2, 2011 by zengirl

[snug.bunny]

He says (and I believe him) that the fear has nothing to do with our relationship in particular. He is committed to this relationship. That is not, nor has it ever really been the problem (He did break up with me, but in his mind it was a momentary misunderstanding; I could not accept it as such so the breakup lasted a few weeks).

 

The problem I have is that he is not committed, without fear, to what he claims to want: commitment. By which I mean the abstract concept.

This is very confusing, and I am having difficulty understanding.

 

I guess, theoretically, I want the man to be as committed to commitment (in the abstract) as he is to me.

 

How does one go about demonstrating this, in your view?

 

Prior to him breaking-up with you, what was the relationship like and why did he break up with you? My apologies for not reading all of the threads and knowing the entire history.

[A O]

As I said early on in this thread, I've no desire to be the "special" girl who prompts some guy to commit despite his fears, yet that seems to be what happens. Maybe that's just how all relationships go, or maybe it's not gender specific, and one partner is always that way.

This is how relationships tend to develop and most people are more than happy with it. They prefer their SO to be more into them than any abstract notion.

 

Which really comes down to: I am not going to be responsible for someone else's happiness. Just not gonna do it

Everything you say here stems from a position of fear. You're the same as many folk who seek advice here except that you talk a different, far more intellectual game than most. But bottom line is that you fear yourself, hence your overwhelming need to keep people at arms length and to seek someone who puts very little strain on your brittle psyche. Like many before you (and to come), your problems lie with yourself first and foremost. Acknowledging this and seeking therapy to help address these problems is your true ticket to relationship utopia.

 

 

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[Tizzy]

I've also not had too many men leave me, and I've had many try to rely on me to make them happier/more comfortable/etc.

 

I haven't read thru the entire thread but I think I get the jist. Sounds to me like you should do some self-reflection and find out why you allow yourself to get into and stay in relationships with men who are afraid of commitment and rely on you for comfort and happiness. it sounds like you are not naturally attracted to "healthy" partners and instead settle down with the "unhealthy" ones. There is something psychological going on with you to create that sort of dating pattern. If I were you I'd work on figuring out that root cause.

 

I speak from experience. After yet another failed relationship I realized I couldn't keep placing the blame on men. The common denominator was ME! So I looked inward to figure out why I was choosing all these blatantly wrong guys for myself. What I found was life-changing. Turns out I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Subconsciously, I'd bypass the "healthy" guys and go straight for the unhealthy ones, even though from the beginning they all seemed healthy enough to me. But they weren't. Like you, they were guys who ended up relying on me for their happiness and comfort. Those relationships made me unhappy, uncomfortable and emotionally exhausted.

 

I read a book called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and it put everything in perspective. She explained how patterns in our childhood determine the type of relationships we seek as adults. I suggest reading it if you get a chance. At the end she discusses step by step how to overcome unhealthy relationship patterns by focusing on getting yourself right. Once you get yourself to a healthy emotionally state, everything else will fall into place and you'll attract healthier people.

[lino]

I'm not currently dating the guys who proposed to me; I agree that saying "No" to a proposal spells the death of a relationship, if that's what you're saying.

 

 

Not what I'm saying.

You rejected the proposals of 2 different guys. Now you question the commitment of all men on the planet.

I can guarantee you that those 2 men whos proposal you rejected will now have a more difficult time committing to a woman because of your rejections to their proposals... Understand?

 

I don't know why it seems hard for people to understand, but I'm not saying I date men who can't/don't commit. I'm saying I date men who have expressed some fears and doubts about commitment, as a general issue, but who have been committed to me in the relationship. To me, this is frustrating because I don't want the commitment to be about me seeming "right" as much as them seeing commitment as the right path for them, with any appropriate woman (me or someone else who is a suitable partner who they choose to work with). This seems to be cast aside in terms of what many people say -- the whole "A guy will commit for the right woman" idea is perhaps the issue, as it's something I dislike, even when I AM theoretically the "right woman."

 

 

 

Of course men will fear serious commitment to a woman! A man has much more to lose if the woman divorces him!!

He most certainly does and definitely should only commit to the right woman!!

 

You will never, ever, EVER find a man that doesn't fear serious commitment to some extent.