Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 the fact that at any point in time most people are married sort of throws a wrench in your theory I don't really have a theory. I have asked a few of my male friends who are married, and they say they were afraid of commitment too. I am not just saying that I want a guy who gives me commitment but one who never even doubted it or thought that commitment could be anything other than a 100% natural course. So just marrying me wouldn't be enough to prove that a guy wasn't "afraid" of commitment. I don't just want a man who confronts his fear of it; I want a man who never feared it to begin with.
alphamale Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I want a man who never feared it to begin with. good luck finding that sister...men generally aren't planning their weddings when they are ten years old
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 It is almost like the book 1984 where the only crime is Thoughtcrime. To me, just doubting a relationship is akin to committing a crime against it. It is making me feel guilty lately too, because now that this has all happened, I doubt this relationship and am committing that crime myself (something I never did before he started revealing his doubts). To me, doubting a relationship is almost a kind of infidelity. . . good luck finding that sister...men generally aren't planning their weddings when they are ten years old And therin lies the problem, though, frankly, I wasn't either. Weddings don't really interest me, and I'm not sure how "marriage" got dragged into this thread (I suppose I do want to be married someday, but my BF and I have not been together near long enough for that to be an issue).
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Or, maybe you can live with uncertainty, and only give 80%, until you both reach firmer grounds. I'm not sure if I can do that. It is very hard for me to go backwards. I can live with uncertainty of course --- one has to just to live in the world --- but in this case, it feels like betrayal --- being betrayed but also betraying him by not being fully in this.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Don't think there are too many men who crave commitment but there are enough who find themselves wanting commitment. Do you date introverted men?
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Don't think there are too many men who crave commitment but there are enough who find themselves wanting commitment. Do you date introverted men? Yes, I tend to date introverted men. This man is very introverted and even has some social anxiety, etc. And he WANTS commitment. He just also fears it on some level, I guess. (This makes no sense to me.)
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think it's the nature of introverted men to overthink life in general. Give them something as important as commitment and they can think themselves out of it. But...they can also think themselves into it, as long as they can balance their thoughts. The difficulty is that there's a substantial portion that can't balance their thoughts. Have you dated any extroverted men? If not, you might want to give it a try. They're a lot less hassle.
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 I think it's the nature of introverted men to overthink life in general. Give them something as important as commitment and they can think themselves out of it. But...they can also think themselves into it, as long as they can balance their thoughts. The difficulty is that there's a substantial portion that can't balance their thoughts. Have you dated any extroverted men? If not, you might want to give it a try. They're a lot less hassle. I think that goes back to the "men who seem to think like me are always jerks" comment I made earlier. I am an extrovert. I cannot stand most extroverted men I meet, especially if they are all the other things I like (smart, successful, attractive, etc). They tend to be full of themselves, jerks, and rather dull.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think that goes back to the "men who seem to think like me are always jerks" comment I made earlier. I am an extrovert. I cannot stand most extroverted men I meet, especially if they are all the other things I like (smart, successful, attractive, etc). They tend to be full of themselves, jerks, and rather dull.That broad based assumption kind of annoys me since my husband and some of the men I've dated and are friends with, are also extroverts and awesome men. So, mkay, enjoy what you have.
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I think that goes back to the "men who seem to think like me are always jerks" comment I made earlier. I am an extrovert. I cannot stand most extroverted men I meet, especially if they are all the other things I like (smart, successful, attractive, etc). They tend to be full of themselves, jerks, and rather dull. That’s pretty judgmental.
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 That broad based assumption kind of annoys me since my husband and some of the men I've dated and are friends with, are also extroverts and awesome men. So, mkay, enjoy what you have. Not trying to annoy anyone. That's just been my experience with extroverted males. Perhaps good extroverted males are taken younger or perhaps it's just the ones I've met. But I've yet to meet a truly extroverted guy who was also smart/successful/attractive and not an Alpha male type and that (Alpha males) I truly cannot stand. Anyway, that's dragging us a bit off-topic.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Not trying to annoy anyone. That's just been my experience with extroverted males. Perhaps good extroverted males are taken younger or perhaps it's just the ones I've met. But I've yet to meet a truly extroverted guy who was also smart/successful/attractive and not an Alpha male type and that (Alpha males) I truly cannot stand. Anyway, that's dragging us a bit off-topic.You're the dominant type, so it's no surprise you prefer more submissive men.
betterdeal Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 It sounds like your fella could do with an impartial, non-judgmental confidant to talk his concerns through with. A good counsellor, for example. Or maybe even a relationship counsellor for the two of you.
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 You're the dominant type, so it's no surprise you prefer more submissive men. Yet at the same time she is annoyed by his submissive behavior. (coming to her with worries to make him feel better)
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 You're the dominant type, so it's no surprise you prefer more submissive men. I think that's a rather presumptious thing to say. I don't want to dominate or be dominated. Nor do I want to submit or have anyone submit to me. I want a partnership of equals with different strengths and weaknesses. Frankly, I don't like people who would have anyone be submissive to them. Which is why I don't care for alphas.
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 It sounds like your fella could do with an impartial, non-judgmental confidant to talk his concerns through with. A good counsellor, for example. Or maybe even a relationship counsellor for the two of you. Relationship counseling is not appropriate unless you've been married for quite awhile and/or have children. A relationship this young that would require that kind of serious intervention would be a poor one indeed. I agree he could use a counselor/therapist to work out his issues, personally, but that's his personal decision.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Yet at the same time she is annoyed by his submissive behavior. (coming to her with worries to make him feel better)Not seeing a happy ending here. Anyways, I haven't dated or had relationships with too many RL men who had commitment issues. Sure there were some but most didn't have problems. Look to the type you prefer since you're the only constant in this.
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Yet at the same time she is annoyed by his submissive behavior. (coming to her with worries to make him feel better) That doesn't annoy me. It's the idea that he has worries about something he claims to want that annoys me. I like that he came to me with his worries, but I don't understand fearing something you want.
betterdeal Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Relationship counseling is not appropriate unless you've been married for quite awhile and/or have children. That's not what Relate (a relationship counselling service) say. A relationship this young that would require that kind of serious intervention would be a poor one indeed. If it made it a rich one, would it matter? I agree he could use a counselor/therapist to work out his issues, personally, but that's his personal decision. Okay, so how about telling him what you think and feel? For instance, "I'm glad you're opening up about your feelings and I understand you have concerns about commitment. Maybe you'd like to consider counselling? I say this because they'd be impartial and confidential. It would be entirely your choice. It's okay to ask for help."
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Not seeing a happy ending here. Anyways, I haven't dated or had relationships with too many RL men who had commitment issues. Sure there were some but most didn't have problems. Look to the type you prefer since you're the only constant in this. Now, I do want to be clear, all men haven't created issues in the relationship with this fear. I've had two men propose, who claimed to have some commitment issues (This created problems, as it bothered me) but never left or pulled back in any way and kept the relationship moving smoothly. I couldn't marry either of them, though. With one, I wonder if it was his telling me his issues/doubts that drove me away (it sort of was). With another, it was simply that he became very successful very quickly and started acting more "alpha" (and extroverted; he was always borderline, as am I on the extroversion). I suppose I can examine my "type" to a degree, but others have also said that it is normal to have the fear. And this conversation has me thinking: Isn't it simply possible that the more extroverted men you prefer HAD the fear but never expressed it or fully formed it (not looking inwards)? And I'm not saying I've never feared commitment. I definitely did. But I worked through it within myself before attempting to pursue adult relationships that could lead to marriage. I guess I want the same from a man, but so often, men seem to "use" me to work through their issues and then even if they want to commit to me, I feel angry about it.
Author zengirl Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 "I'm glad you're opening up about your feelings and I understand you have concerns about commitment. Maybe you'd like to consider counselling? I say this because they'd be impartial and confidential. It would be entirely your choice. It's okay to ask for help." He is already considering counseling for this issue anyway (me or no me). We will see what he does.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I actually think extroverted men are usually more afraid of commitment, being that they're usually players. Introverted, and shy, men usually lean more toward marriage, but then again, they're always "too nice", right?
betterdeal Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 This looks interesting: http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Healthy-Relationship/dp/0028642066
Feelin Frisky Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 To answer the thread title question, no. I'm in the marrying market.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Are all guys just bombs waiting to go off? Are there any guys who actually truly crave commitment and don't fear it even one little bit? Or is that just a pipe dream? I am starting to think so. Even the guy I was with who seemed the most all about commitment of the bunch eventually ran from it.
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