newb1316 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I am new here and am so glad to have found this place. I feel like I have exhausted close friends trying to sort through my emotions over the last few years, and particularly now that my H and I have finally decided to separate. About us... Married for 8 years with 2 kids (7 & 4) and in our very early 30s. I met him when I was 16, so I guess my high school sweetheart, but we did break up for a few years while I was in college. To give a little background, my STBXH is, and always has been, passionate about his career. It involves a certain sport and it has taken us to several different cities all over the U.S. and even a bit abroad. He lives, eats and breathes it. I knew he was passionate about it when I met him, I knew he wanted to pursue his dream, but I had no idea it would last this long. We now have 2 kids, one school age, and moving around just isn't feasible anymore. I have a job that provides us some stability and benefits and we own a home and have bills to pay. He has spent years in between contracts and, even though he has had a great run, it has been a constant roller coaster for us never really knowing what is next, where, and for how long. It has been so exhausting and draining for me and I have lost all sight of my dreams and ambitions. To add to the mix of all of this I carry so much resentment for infidelity on his part when I was pregnant (yes, I was pregnant) with our second child. He started an emotional affair with someone, moved out of our home, and then proceeded to have a full on relationship with her for about 6 months. He realized he didn't want to lose his family and I decided that for the sake of our family, I had to give it another chance. This was 5 years ago and I am still struggling with the anger, sadness, and lack of trust. He has been away several times since then for his career and we never have been able to deal with all of this properly and I constantly feel insecure. Last Oct he left halfway across the country and the kids and I stayed behind so we wouldn't interrupt my daughter's school. When it was close to the time for him to come home he said he was going to pursue other contracts and wasn't coming home and didn't know when he would. I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of being alone and a single parent. He is a great dad when he is around, but it is like he can just decide when he wants to be and expects me to just take care of all the responsibilities and accept it because it is "his job" the rest of the time. I have been so unhappy for so long, but I was trying to hang on for the kids. I finally told him how unhappy I was and his response "I want you to be happy so do what you need to do". That was a few weeks ago and he has held that stance ever since and now even says thing like it is "for the best" so he "doesn't have to feel pressure from me" and "can do what he wants". I told him that I want to set up some schedule for him to see the kids, and he says he wants to, but won't commit to anything. It is frustrating and makes it hard for me to plan and it is tough on my little ones and leaves me unsure of what to tell them. If I tell him this he gets mad at me and says that I always try to make him feel guilty and that I just want him to quit what he loves. So here I am, a single mom, with two amazing children, but so sad for them. I'm sure I didn't have positive attitude 100% of the time, but I tried very hard to support him. Anyways, I could go on and on. I just feel so sad for my kids right now. Like I have failed them. But I can't live with all of this resentment and loneliness.
Lexygirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very lonely. Just remember, you can only control you. I want to say that you sound like you have been a wonderful mom so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Us moms tend to feel guilt even if it's something not in our power that is affecting our kids. I suggest you try to show them the happy mom and the stable mom and make life as stable in every other aspect of their lives as possible (I'm sure you are doing that). Spend lots of time with them and ask for help from family and friends. Take care of you, too. Do what you can to make yourself and your kids happy. Lexy
Author newb1316 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 @ Lexygirl Thank you so much for your kind words. I think you are exactly right- I only have control over what I do. I can't feel guilty or at fault for his choices. Seeing the choices and decisions he has made has made me realize what kind of father and husband he is and where his priorities are in life- they certainly are not us right now. I feel like a person deserves so much more, and I know my kids do. So I am feeling strong and I am definitely going to continue spending lots of time with my kids. They are my #1 and always will be...and when it is all said and done, they are only little like this once and I am enjoying them so much (and going crazy at times, too ). So I am reaching that point where I am trying to figure out how to talk to the kids about our future, as well as family (which is hard for me considering everyone I am close to in my family has strong marriages and no divorces) and just going to focus on doing what is best for my kids and for me. I am happy to say that I am confident in myself and the future. My goal is to only talk to him about the kids and stay away from any other subject. It always turns into an argument and him telling me I make him feel guilty. I don't want to dwell on what he is doing or how awful it makes me feel that he isn't around to share in the responsibilities of parenting. I have to just let that go...
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