Yes, it is over. But now she is being overtly promiscuous due to her mania.

March 31, 2011

Those of you following along with my story know that my ex has numerous psychiatric problems. I have recently learned that she has been going out every weekend and becoming incredibly intoxicated, and going how with random men each and every weekend. Now, she is single, and this is what she is choosing to do. I understand that. I have no say in the matter. However, she is not well and she does this to seek validation. She also has alcohol problems. The issue is that her friends dont know these things about her; she is very guarded about her issues. I am concerned about her. In addition, I feel hurt because its as though I am a true after thought only a month after we unequivocally broke up. She conducts herself as a person that I dont even recognize anymore. Perhaps I never knew the real her? I am incredibly broken feeling over this. She broke it off after she cheated, then came back, then left again. Then I tried to salvage things. She has made it clear she is over me, and legitimately hates me after I followed with HER request of NC. its been a month. How can she forget me and move on so fast? Is it flawed to think that her hatred towards me is masking something more, because I didnt do anything to wrong this woman ever? She did so many messed up things (She once asked me to cut my arm with a knife to prove I loved her...I most certainly did not do that, and explained to her how messed up that was). This is getting to be entirely too much to handle

March 31, 2011

Those of you following along with my story know that my ex has numerous psychiatric problems. I have recently learned that she has been going out every weekend and becoming incredibly intoxicated, and going how with random men each and every weekend. Now, she is single, and this is what she is choosing to do. I understand that. I have no say in the matter. However, she is not well and she does this to seek validation. She also has alcohol problems. The issue is that her friends dont know these things about her; she is very guarded about her issues. I am concerned about her. In addition, I feel hurt because its as though I am a true after thought only a month after we unequivocally broke up. She conducts herself as a person that I dont even recognize anymore. Perhaps I never knew the real her? I am incredibly broken feeling over this. She broke it off after she cheated, then came back, then left again. Then I tried to salvage things. She has made it clear she is over me, and legitimately hates me after I followed with HER request of NC. its been a month. How can she forget me and move on so fast? Is it flawed to think that her hatred towards me is masking something more, because I didnt do anything to wrong this woman ever? She did so many messed up things (She once asked me to cut my arm with a knife to prove I loved her...I most certainly did not do that, and explained to her how messed up that was). This is getting to be entirely too much to handle

She is a classic borderline and that being the case, as much as it hurts now, be glad this person is out of your life. You can't fix her and it's not your problem anymore. Only she can fix herself and it doesn't sound like she is ready to face up to her problems anytime soon.

I think you are heartbroken because she is not the person you thought she was, and you are seeing a side of her now that you didn't know existed. She cheated on you, she has a substance abuse problem, she is emotionally unstable, and she has painted you black after you were a good boyfriend to her. Trust me on this: you dodged a huge bullet. Now it's time to focus on yourself and concentrate on getting through your grief and healing. You are at the worst part of a breakup when it's fresh and you are totally focused on the other person and what they are thinking, feeling, doing and who they may be doing it with. Eventually you will need to turn the focus to yourself. Think of it this way: you're on a boat that has capsized and you are treading water. You can hang around trying to figure out why the boat capsized or you can swim to shore.

March 31, 2011

Do NOT blame yourself. Please realize that this is not about you. She definitely sounds like she needs help. But, she cheated on you, came back, and then left again. You deserve so much better and I'm sure there is much better out there for you.

I say this because I understand how you're feeling. My exbf had been contacting personals on Craigslist as well as looking up escort services. Like your exgf he was very guarded and I'm sure many wouldn't believe he could do something like that. Although, I do wonder sometimes about whether his family knew he had some kind of a "problem". It almost seemed as if his mother was trying to "seal the deal" between the two of us rather quickly. I think I am the only gf that they actually loved. He also had a history of doing the same thing with his previous gf, as I found out later.

I never went back and we were NC within the first couple weeks of the breakup. That was almost 8 months ago. I think it's so hard to rebuild trust in these kind of situations as our SO need serious help.

March 31, 2011

She is Borderline, yes. I recognize the fact that I am not realistically losing that much by having her walk away, in the abstract. This is her pattern. She does this all the time. I was just arrogant enough to think i could love her enough to be the exception. I could not have been more wrong. But, having said that, I still struggle knowing that so much of me was put into this...so many sacrifices made. And for what? I dont blame myself, but I am scared I have nothing left.

There is truth to the notion that if she were to come back (which i pray she doesnt, but wont be overly surprised if she does...her fickle nature is astounding), then what? I could never see her the same again, because I will never know if what I am seeing is real or not. Its so sad that one person can be so damaged, and unable to stop herslef from taking down all those who try to get close and be there for her. what an awful cross to bare indeed.

March 31, 2011

Those of you following along with my story know that my ex has numerous psychiatric problems. I have recently learned that she has been going out every weekend and becoming incredibly intoxicated, and going how with random men each and every weekend. Now, she is single, and this is what she is choosing to do. I understand that. I have no say in the matter. However, she is not well and she does this to seek validation. She also has alcohol problems. The issue is that her friends dont know these things about her; she is very guarded about her issues. I am concerned about her. In addition, I feel hurt because its as though I am a true after thought only a month after we unequivocally broke up. She conducts herself as a person that I dont even recognize anymore. Perhaps I never knew the real her? I am incredibly broken feeling over this. She broke it off after she cheated, then came back, then left again. Then I tried to salvage things. She has made it clear she is over me, and legitimately hates me after I followed with HER request of NC. its been a month. How can she forget me and move on so fast? Is it flawed to think that her hatred towards me is masking something more, because I didnt do anything to wrong this woman ever? She did so many messed up things (She once asked me to cut my arm with a knife to prove I loved her...I most certainly did not do that, and explained to her how messed up that was). This is getting to be entirely too much to handle

I know you are hurting but this woman is destructive not only to herself but to you. And you obviously care for her but I think you have done all you can.

March 31, 2011

Look up the book The twelve Steps for Codependents.

I was diagnosed as Borderline some time ago and have been through a fair amount of therapy. The fact that you were in a relationship With this woman and felt you could love her enough to save her tells me something HUGE. Borderline is quite the challenge and she is flailing in the wind right now. She has to do something about it. Not you.

Your validation won't come from her, she is too sick. In order to be able to do the best by her, please look up that book.

Please read it and figure out if there is something there, as well the book Boundaries:Where You and I Begin.

March 31, 2011

Out of curiosity, what does that tell you? Are you suggesting I myself have co dependency issues? I am not foreclosing anything about myself, as this all provides me an opportunity for my own self discovery. Let me know more clearly what you are getting at. Thanks!

March 31, 2011

And I never wanted to save her per se. I wanted to just be with her and do what she required of me to supprt her, provided it didn't put me in danger. I know and understand real change comes from within, and loving someone does not entail imposing your will upon them.

March 31, 2011

Out of curiosity, what does that tell you? Are you suggesting I myself have co dependency issues? I am not foreclosing anything about myself, as this all provides me an opportunity for my own self discovery. Let me know more clearly what you are getting at. Thanks!

She's not saying you're an unhealthy person, just that you have been part of an unhealthy situation. You ignored red flags to be with somebody who clearly was not "right." You need to work out what attracted you to this person and why you stayed with her when it was clear that she had major issues that would make a successful LTR a major challenge. You want to learn from this so you can make sure that you never find yourself in a relationship with this kind of person ever again.

March 31, 2011

Maybe she has borderline personality issues.

However, you have to look at yourself. Are you happy with yourself now?

If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you bring happiness to others?

March 31, 2011

Maybe she has borderline personality issues.

However, you have to look at yourself. Are you happy with yourself now?

If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you bring happiness to others?

Well said.

March 31, 2011

Out of curiosity, what does that tell you? Are you suggesting I myself have co dependency issues? I am not foreclosing anything about myself, as this all provides me an opportunity for my own self discovery. Let me know more clearly what you are getting at. Thanks!

You probably do, if you got that close to someone that unstable, took her back after a deal-breaker (cheating), tried to reconcile after another deal-breaker (leaving), and just the way you phrase things, e.g. if only you could love her enough / do anything for her bar harming yourself, and that you're still concerned about and finding out what she's doing now.

It's only been a month so some residual attachment is common. And if you read that book, you can decide if it applies to you or not. I liked "Lost in the Mirror" which is about BPD, as a reference material more than anything, after having a relationship with a BPD sufferer (and having been pretty unstable myself I saw lots that I recognised in me ten or so years ago).

March 31, 2011

I looked into those books. I think they will be very beneficial for me. Thank you all for the recommendations and advice. I think that at the end of the day, I lost myself in this relationship. That tells me a lot about myself, and has made me realize that I have quite a bit of work to do on myself as well. As hurtful as this entire situation has been for me, it is perhaps this realization that is the real silver lining to it all.

I miss her a great deal, but what I loved was not who she is anymore (maybe ever). I am starting to see that she caters to her audience because she is incapable of catering to herself, as she probably doesnt know who she even is. I cannot fault her for that, and I honestly feel sad that this is what she must face. But she has to face it on her own. More importantly for me, I cannot wait around for her to do so. That is not in my best interest. It is far more compassionate for me to heal myself and move on, allowing her to decide her own fate and live with her choices, as I do the same for myself. Thank you all for your support.

I believe she is in a pretty intense manic episode right now (I know the tell signs, as I have seen them countless times with her). I have a feeling that when she comes down from this, she may try to contact me for support with whatever it may be that she has done. Do you all have any advice as to how to best deal with such a scenario? My initial inclination is to simply not respond; she has family and friends that she can turn to. But is that being TOO self-interested on my part? Should I at the very least see what she may need, and determine from there what is healthy for me? Granted, this is all hypothetical, but I want to have the benefit of having given it some thought and reflection in the likely event that it happens. Thanks!

March 31, 2011

"I lost myself in this relationship. That tells me a lot about myself, and has made me realize that I have quite a bit of work to do on myself as well. As hurtful as this entire situation has been for me, it is perhaps this realization that is the real silver lining to it all."

it is okay to lose yourself at times, we are human beings after all. The great thing is you realize it and you are doing something to regain yourself back. Well done

"I have a feeling that when she comes down from this, she may try to contact me for support with whatever it may be that she has done. Do you all have any advice as to how to best deal with such a scenario? My initial inclination is to simply not respond; she has family and friends that she can turn to. But is that being TOO self-interested on my part? Should I at the very least see what she may need, and determine from there what is healthy for me?"

Why not stop feeling if she will ever come back to contact you and ask for your support? It does not matter to you anymore if she does or doesn't.

Even if it does happen, when you fully recovered from this situation, you will do what's best for yourself in this scenario.

March 31, 2011

Sounds like my ex she's out clubbing eery weekend and talking to a bunch of guys and she has a son, but you know what

Its not my problem, let go and stick to nc.

April 1, 2011

I looked into those books. I think they will be very beneficial for me. Thank you all for the recommendations and advice. I think that at the end of the day, I lost myself in this relationship. That tells me a lot about myself, and has made me realize that I have quite a bit of work to do on myself as well. As hurtful as this entire situation has been for me, it is perhaps this realization that is the real silver lining to it all.

I miss her a great deal, but what I loved was not who she is anymore (maybe ever). I am starting to see that she caters to her audience because she is incapable of catering to herself, as she probably doesnt know who she even is. I cannot fault her for that, and I honestly feel sad that this is what she must face. But she has to face it on her own. More importantly for me, I cannot wait around for her to do so. That is not in my best interest. It is far more compassionate for me to heal myself and move on, allowing her to decide her own fate and live with her choices, as I do the same for myself. Thank you all for your support.

I believe she is in a pretty intense manic episode right now (I know the tell signs, as I have seen them countless times with her). I have a feeling that when she comes down from this, she may try to contact me for support with whatever it may be that she has done. Do you all have any advice as to how to best deal with such a scenario? My initial inclination is to simply not respond; she has family and friends that she can turn to. But is that being TOO self-interested on my part? Should I at the very least see what she may
need, and determine from there what is healthy for me? Granted, this is all hypothetical, but I want to have the benefit of having given it some thought and reflection in the likely event that it happens. Thanks!

I know that it is a harsh thing to look in that mirror after you have tried to live someone so endlessly, deeply and they didn't "get it." the most important thing to do is not give away such gifts to those who cannot respect or comprehend it.

I know in my crackers states that the things I did and the ways I acted were pretty damaging and in hindsight my exes generally really tried but they couldn't fill that void because simply my reasoning centers weren't balanced. You can't be expected to be a lover, identity giver and neurosurgeon as well. Relax and regroup

April 1, 2011

I believe she is in a pretty intense manic episode right now (I know the tell signs, as I have seen them countless times with her). I have a feeling that when she comes down from this, she may try to contact me for support with whatever it may be that she has done. Do you all have any advice as to how to best deal with such a scenario? My initial inclination is to simply not respond; she has family and friends that she can turn to. But is that being TOO self-interested on my part? Should I at the very least see what she may need, and determine from there what is healthy for me? Granted, this is all hypothetical, but I want to have the benefit of having given it some thought and reflection in the likely event that it happens. Thanks!

I think that the amount of concern you have about this scenario says more than anything. It shows to me you're worried about further contact.

April 2, 2011

Betterdeal,

Do you mean that in a good way, or a bad way?

To all....she has been trying to get my friends to go out with her and hang out with her (guy friends and girl friends). it seems to be in an attempt to leave me without things to do on certain nights, and to intentionally spite me. I have no idea why she continues to feel the need to do this. She wanted NC, and I have given it to her. Thankfully, my friends are loyal, and always politely tell her no thanks. This is just getting exhausting.

April 2, 2011

Betterdeal,

Do you mean that in a good way, or a bad way?

To all....she has been trying to get my friends to go out with her and hang out with her (guy friends and girl friends). it seems to be in an attempt to leave me without things to do on certain nights, and to intentionally spite me. I have no idea why she continues to feel the need to do this. She wanted NC, and I have given it to her. Thankfully, my friends are loyal, and always politely tell her no thanks. This is just getting exhausting.

She is triangulating and clinging. Welcome to BPD land! Expect her to call you and spaz out any day now. Does she have a history of hospitalization?

April 2, 2011

I am not entirely sure. There is what she has "told" me, what she has alluded to, and what I believe is reality (combination of the two). Assuming she has not, it most certainly has been discussed amongst her, her therapist, and her family. She is just really acting out...she is so aggressive and animated towards everything right now, and she pretends as though I am dead, yet reaches out to my friends? Its as though she is angry that I have really just closed her out, despite her demanding I do so. After all, she cheated on me, and was abusive towards me. I dont want to contact her anymore in the first place. She even has tried to befriend a girl who I have taken out on one date (after which we both decided we will just be friends, and not take it beyond there...and I have introduced her to a guy I know who she is currently dating, and its all good)...its like Marie is trying to control some things about me still, but will lose it if I call her or inquire about her or show even a glimmer of acknowledgment that she exists. ughkkkk. How did I ever deal with this and not just put myself first?

April 2, 2011

You ignore everything and become the Teflon man (Without the carcinogens).

Do not react. DO NOT REACT. I know the game and I am horrible at taking my own advice but DO NOT REACT.

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

She is "punishing" you. I don't understand why you can't see it, because it is totally obvious to me because of the BPD but you my man can't get the mentality. That sentence was supposed to sound a lot nicer like: you can't see it because you are not as nuts.

I hope between the two that made sense.

Okay there are two parts to her that oscillate: I need you, I hate you.

She hates you and so she wants you to feel her absence and you get punished by her sleeping around etc. This isn't anger so much as it seems, it is actually deep, insecure ****ed-up hurt that she can't even figure out herself. She goes from shame to narcissism. The two frontal lobes just do not communicate and sync up enough to make a solid decision about the feelings that flood her that she cannot stabilize or make sense of.

She is punishing you because she wants you to feel as needy as she is, she wants you to want her and orbit around her like the Sun until she gets irritated or feels rejected and then you get punished.

On the other hand she needs you and resents this and cannot stay away from you too long lest she feel that deep-seated emptiness of being without an identity to leach off of.

It is difficult, impulsive insanity. How do you react? You don't. You can't. You can't orbit her and you can't get kicked down the stairs by her either. You just ignore her and go live your life.

You are not ignoring her outbursts and that tells me something. Most guys would have snarked out at her by now. Set that boundary, booted her out of your territory even if it seemed assholish. Most men don't take well to threats and being cheated on.

I am not saying " you aren't a man" or whatever. But something tells me that this relationship was very very validating at first because she kind of orbited you, needed you. It isn't an insult. You thought you were her hero. She doesn't need a hero. She needs EMDR.

April 2, 2011

You are correct, it was validating. And I wanted her to be with me for a long time before she actually was. But what doesnt add up to me is that I tried to work things out with her after we split up (mistake on my part), and she pushed me away and said to never speak to her again. Is this typical of those with BPD?

April 2, 2011

More over, I have not made the fact that I am strugglign with this known to her. For all she knows, I am totally livign my life and fine.

April 2, 2011

She will push and pull until she gets a reaction or until she gives up.

It probably would only take about a month-6 week. Most borderlines aren't known for their long persverance.

April 2, 2011

Holy cow! Found a book on BPD and so many things my ex would do/say now make more sense.

Now that I am out of the relationship, I need to reprogram my sense of normalcy.

Thanks for the nudge to investigate BPD, Dreaming. Very good and helpful stuff!

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Yes, it is over. But now she is being overtly promiscuous due to her mania.

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