nowrong Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I have posted some questions on here and sorry for doing it again but I am struggling with this issue so much. I really need for some male perspective. I recently found out that my boyfriend looks at a lot of weird porn on the internet. He has a fetish for extremely large women and I am tall and skinny. He tells me that he loves me and we have an OK sex life but I am feeling totally inadequate to him. What does a man really feel about porn? Do you do it because something is lacking in the relationship? Do you love your mate any less???? Any help is appreciated.
waynebrady Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 The reason men look at porn is because they aren't getting enough sex from their girlfriend/wife.
alphamale Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Do you do it because something is lacking in the relationship? no, we do it cause we enjoy it. its sort of like women who own hundreds of shoes because they enjoy variety.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Please pay no attention to the poster above me with the initials WB. What he said is completely false. No one can be all things to all people. Porn is kind of a new thing in the sense that it is accessible for free on the net. So what is happening is that what used to be the stuff of secret fantasies is not leaving an evidence trail that is causing women to have these concerns. Every man fantasizes however. Testosterone causes us to fantasize. And the fantasies come faster than any ability to "conjure them up". I am sure of this because this is how I responded to the testosterone supplements now advertised on TV. I tested for low free testosterone, got some AndroGel and suddenly every appealing-looking female spurred an instant sparkle that my mind ran with. No one is supposed to know this though. And if I were in a relationship it would still happen but I would never want my SO to know it. But it's a sign of good sexual health. And the mind is the organ of sex as much as the pubes. Men need to start controlling the impulse to entertain fantasy outside of their heads by turning to porn on the net. They have to especially do this to be considerate of their partners. But their SOs should not take it as a symbol of something lacking in them. No one is that perfect. They should take it as a sign of good sexual potency which is "emotionally illiterate". And there is where society is failing to come to grips with what technology means. Society in general does not make "emotional literacy" a developmental imperative. What's more we do not make understanding of technology an imperative. So, what we get is this result--inconsiderate men acting on impulse and not doing enough to keep their fantasy world where it belongs i.e. in their heads and away from the heart and mind of the real people they share life with.
alphamale Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Why do women use dildo's and read steamy novels? indeed, and watch romantic movies? its mental masturbation i tell you
interfuse Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Why do women use dildo's and read steamy novels? True. I love romance/sex movies and steamy novels even if I am with somebody. In fact, I love it when I get to watch it with my partner.
Author nowrong Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Please pay no attention to the poster above me with the initials WB. What he said is completely false. No one can be all things to all people. Porn is kind of a new thing in the sense that it is accessible for free on the net. So what is happening is that what used to be the stuff of secret fantasies is not leaving an evidence trail that is causing women to have these concerns. Every man fantasizes however. Testosterone causes us to fantasize. And the fantasies come faster than any ability to "conjure them up". I am sure of this because this is how I responded to the testosterone supplements now advertised on TV. I tested for low free testosterone, got some AndroGel and suddenly every appealing-looking female spurred an instant sparkle that my mind ran with. No one is supposed to know this though. And if I were in a relationship it would still happen but I would never want my SO to know it. But it's a sign of good sexual health. And the mind is the organ of sex as much as the pubes. Men need to start controlling the impulse to entertain fantasy outside of their heads by turning to porn on the net. They have to especially do this to be considerate of their partners. But their SOs should not take it as a symbol of something lacking in them. No one is that perfect. They should take it as a sign of good sexual potency which is "emotionally illiterate". And there is where society is failing to come to grips with what technology means. Society in general does not make "emotional literacy" a developmental imperative. What's more we do not make understanding of technology an imperative. So, what we get is this result--inconsiderate men acting on impulse and not doing enough to keep their fantasy world where it belongs i.e. in their heads and away from the heart and mind of the real people they share life with. Thanks for this: I agree it's not because he is not getting enough sex because I see him every weekend (we live in different cities) and I would have sex with him 10 times in those three days if we could. I really appreciate your candor. It is really nice to get a different perspective.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for this: I agree it's not because he is not getting enough sex because I see him every weekend (we live in different cities) and I would have sex with him 10 times in those three days if we could. I really appreciate your candor. It is really nice to get a different perspective. Thank YOU for saying so. Much appreciated.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I really appreciate your candor. It is really nice to get a different perspective. I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to see at least one man who actually thinks and cares about the larger implications of this.
Thedude22 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) Honestly, there is nothing too depraved that I would consider "problematic" for your relationship, unless of course he was some kind of pedophile or something. Porn is our venue to whack it to things we would never do in real life. If we have a hot skinny model type we get every night, why not whack it to fat girls since that's not something we do in reality? As long as it doesn't become a fetish, i.e. he can no longer enjoy anything else but fat girls, then there is zero problem. Porn is not the cause of fetishes only an occasional symptom. That resounding "OK" is the only thing I take issue with and that's likely more a problem with sexual communication than pornography. Edited March 31, 2011 by Thedude22
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for this: I agree it's not because he is not getting enough sex because I see him every weekend (we live in different cities) and I would have sex with him 10 times in those three days if we could. I really appreciate your candor. It is really nice to get a different perspective. I wouldn't worry about it. Just because a woman owns a 12" purple dildo doesn't mean she has fantasies about enormously hung purple men.
Disillusioned Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 The problem with fetishes and porn in the same topic is that it really is in the eye of the beholder. Personally, I don't enjoy looking at pics of nude women; but when I get one of those pieces of junk mail from a Halloween costume shop with attractive women on the cover dressed as witches, bumblebees, Alice from Wonderland, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, nurses, etc etc, my imagination goes wild because those are the sort of pics that really gun my gas pedal.
linwood Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 What does a man really feel about porn? Do you do it because something is lacking in the relationship? Do you love your mate any less???? Any help is appreciated. It has nothing to do with you. It`s a visual stimulant of a different variety. Often it`s a way to embrace a fantasy you`d never actually want in reality. Unless it`s consuming all his time and having an effect on your sex life don`t worry about it.
Thedude22 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I kind of envy women's ability to just get off from thoughts. I'm a pretty creative person but it's work to really visualize sex enough in my head to get to orgasm as fast as porn. Some guys literally can't do it anymore which gives me some pause to think that maybe porn isn't good for us after all. It seems to make our sexual imaginations get lazy. Then again, I've learned a lot from porn and I feel like I am better in bed because of it overall. Still though it is hard not to compare the over-the-top insanely good looking sex found in porn to the run of the mill sex found in reality.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 This may or may not be true of the OP's guy but ladies should also bear in mind that some men may turn to porn to warm themselves up a little for her. I could see that happening and I think it's probably the only way I might bother with Internet porn if I were in a good relationship. But if that were the case there would be no reason to be secretive about it. If say, my wife or g/f and I establish that tonight we're going to make love, I might say to her that I was so anxious I looked at a little internet porn before I left the office. Maybe not. I don't know. I just would hate the idea of having a secret compulsion. It's not even happening now as a single guy so I don't think I have anything worry about.
Author nowrong Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 That resounding "OK" is the only thing I take issue with and that's likely more a problem with sexual communication than pornography. I have discussed our sex life with him at length and he says there is no problem and it works for us. I was a little concerned because we seem to do the same thing all of the time. When I said that he just looked at me and said - "why would we change what works". I would have to say that it is 99% "successful" for me so it does work. I am just concerned that with him looking at fat women that maybe I am not what he really wants. He also says he likes my body but it is hard for me to believe when he is looking at such overweight women.
Hers alone Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have posted some questions on here and sorry for doing it again but I am struggling with this issue so much. I really need for some male perspective. I recently found out that my boyfriend looks at a lot of weird porn on the internet. He has a fetish for extremely large women and I am tall and skinny. He tells me that he loves me and we have an OK sex life but I am feeling totally inadequate to him. What does a man really feel about porn? Do you do it because something is lacking in the relationship? Do you love your mate any less???? Any help is appreciated. Interesting... i find myself looking at porn that involves tall, skinny women. Just kidding! I'm not a porn-dog. Although in the interest o full disclosure i am a horn-dog, and i do like tall women. Long distance relationships are hard regardless of what each individual brings to the table. It is plain to see you are really having some tribulation over this issue and for at least two good reasons in my opinion.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 If that's the only kind of porn he looks at, it's definitely a significant fetish of his. As a permanently single guy, I look at lots of porn because it's my only option, and I'm not going to totally sexually deprive myself just because I don't fit into women's attraction zone. I look at a large variety of stuff, but I definitely have significant fetishes. If I were to somehow get involved in a sexual relationship, I would severely diminish the porn use for the sake of the relationship, but my significant fetishes would still need to be indulged sometimes. Some of them could be indulged in without porn (with the other person) while some couldn't. There's no absolute rule for whether or how much porn is healthy. "Ideally" no one would need porn and you would totally sexually satisfy each other. Reality doesn't work that way. Some men are repressed from religion and deprive themselves and think that's OK. Deprivation has its advantages and disadvantages. Others (like me) may be totally engrossed in it and may have intimacy problems from it. In the internet age, porn use is going to be more and more common. We can get a hold of it easily now, so we do. Somewhere in between is probably best, in general. And what amount is best is a function of each of your personal beliefs and standards, and how understanding you are of the other's needs. That said, if you feel your sex life is working, don't get all upset because he's looking at some porn, or think you aren't what he wants. As was mentioned, a guy could easily raise the same concerns if you were engrossed in romance novels (and I believe the parallel there, while not exact, is closer than women will ever admit.) And it's not like fat girls are hard to get AFAIK. If that's really what he wanted, I think he'd have just gone after that in the first place. I think he probably just wants to indulge in a bit of variety. Asking him to quit entirely would be wrong, in my opinion. Any woman that would act like a total prude w/rto porn and forbid its use -- I would never want to be with them even if I didn't use it. Because, I find that extreme stance to be hypocritical and really unfair and inconsiderate of male needs. As an American male I'm really tired of being around selfish, inconsiderate women who demand men to be what they want, and refuse to ever do the same. However, if he's using it a lot, or using it "instead of" being with you, then I would bring it up and say you feel neglected or say that you feel that the frequency of use is hurting your intimacy, because I do believe that to be a real issue.
Disillusioned Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I kind of envy women's ability to just get off from thoughts. I'm a pretty creative person but it's work to really visualize sex enough in my head to get to orgasm as fast as porn. Some guys literally can't do it anymore which gives me some pause to think that maybe porn isn't good for us after all. It seems to make our sexual imaginations get lazy. It's been my experience that most men and women have zero imagination anyway. I've been on this planet 43 years and am still trying to figure this species out.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I have discussed our sex life with him at length and he says there is no problem and it works for us. I was a little concerned because we seem to do the same thing all of the time. When I said that he just looked at me and said - "why would we change what works". Well he sounds like fun....not. "There is no problem and it works for us," it bothers me that he made this determination all on his own without really asking you if it was working for you. Just because you orgasm doesn't mean you're happy with your sex life. I agree that this should really be more worrisome to you than his porn choices. Do you really see yourself staying in a relationship with someone with absolutely no variety in the sack (if yes, that's okay, just something to ask yourself)? Try not to worry too much about the porn thing. It doesn't really mean anything. I watch things in porn sometimes that I have absolutely no desire to try in real life.
Thedude22 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 That resounding "OK" is the only thing I take issue with and that's likely more a problem with sexual communication than pornography. I have discussed our sex life with him at length and he says there is no problem and it works for us. I was a little concerned because we seem to do the same thing all of the time. When I said that he just looked at me and said - "why would we change what works". I would have to say that it is 99% "successful" for me so it does work. I am just concerned that with him looking at fat women that maybe I am not what he really wants. He also says he likes my body but it is hard for me to believe when he is looking at such overweight women. First off, do you know this is all he masturbates to? I'm not sure how this came up in the first place. I know if a girl stumbled upon everything I have ever done it to, I would be mortified and she would get a very poor impression of the things I actually like. The internet is like eating in Thailand, sure you may not even like Thai food, but why get a cheese burger when you can get a cheese burger any day? He just wants to experience something different, even if he would never do that in reality. Let's say he was jerking it to girls with DD boobs, which I assume you don't have (if you do god bless you). Would that be an issue?
SummersEve Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) I see some separate issues here. I've never been with a guy who didn't use porn. I never considered it my business. It is the male equivalent of my own mental fantasies, which I would be offended to have someone else involve themselves in (and OP I understand that's not what you're doing). Just because someone (either sex) has a partner doesn't mean they don't want solo too sometimes. It is quick and easy, fast food vs. gourmet dinner. Did he say it was a fetish or do you just mean a specialized type of porn? I think a lot of guys tend to get into different phases with what they watch. Maybe it's just his week for fat chicks. Next week might be redheads. That's my guess because if that was really his thing then why would he be with you? There are plenty of overweight women around. I don't think variety in porn and variety in real life sex directly translate at all. You say you're 99% satisfied with the low-variety sex you have, so it sounds like you weren't complaining but if so then I think it's on you to bring in the variety if you're the one who wants it. (if he would not accept it then that's different). It sounds like he said he is happy with everything the way it is, variety in porn but not so much in the bedroom. I have seen so many gf/wife complaints about men's porn use and often think it is just way off. (again not OP, it sounds like she is just wondering what the heck the fat girl porn thing means). I think that guys should tell their lady friends from the start yes, I look at porn. I like it, I will continue to do it, it has nothing to do with our sex life, I consider it my own private business, and that's that. The women often don't use porn and think about it from their own mindset, not understanding how different it is. They will think it means he's not satisfied with them or even consider it cheating. Then, the guys get sneakier about it, because they don't want to deal with the drama. But then the next time she "catches" them, it looks guilty as hell. She will then start talking about his "porn addiction" or at the very least be stung because he lied to her. Why not just lay it on the line in the first place. Edited March 31, 2011 by SummersEve
Author nowrong Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Well he sounds like fun....not. "There is no problem and it works for us," it bothers me that he made this determination all on his own without really asking you if it was working for you. Just because you orgasm doesn't mean you're happy with your sex life. I agree that this should really be more worrisome to you than his porn choices. Do you really see yourself staying in a relationship with someone with absolutely no variety in the sack (if yes, that's okay, just something to ask yourself)? Try not to worry too much about the porn thing. It doesn't really mean anything. I watch things in porn sometimes that I have absolutely no desire to try in real life. We talked and he did ask me if it was ok before he said it worked for us. He also told me if there is something else that I wanted then I needed to tell him so I am sure there will be more conversations about that.
Author nowrong Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Did he say it was a fetish or do you just mean a specialized type of porn? I think a lot of guys tend to get into different phases with what they watch. Maybe it's just his week for fat chicks. Next week might be redheads. That's my guess because if that was really his thing then why would he be with you? There are plenty of overweight women around. It I think it's a fetish because he is always talking about how he wants me not to be concerned about weight and he is always staring at large women. Now he takes BBW models and morphs them into something that looks like they are 600 pounds. It is a GTS (giantess crushing skinny man) fetish. It is just unbelievable to me.
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