GreenPolicy Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm not goin to show sympathy here Lil1. I am curious about why you now feel you don't want to be with him? Is it something about him? Or is it something about you or your past? It sounds like he felt a rare connection with you and is looking to build up on it. He may realize now that he may have come on too strong, but that doesn't mean he is a terrible person that is not worth your time. Quite frankly, the only terrible person here is you. You got a guy all excited because he saw something in you and now you want to cut him off just because you don't think you are ready. You probably have the wrong idea of what a relationship is all about. Relationships are a work in progress, and both people need to work as a team. I suspect you have this idea of what a relationship should be like, the things that should happen, etc. but you aren't even taking into account that he might be willing to work with you so that you feel comfortable around him. I think the guy is getting a little too attached too quickly, but the OP has done nothing to discourage him from doing so, and now she seems too quick to bail when the guy might be able to work with her on some of her concerns about moving too fast or not being comfortable enough. If she feels like it's too early to meet the friends and parents, why not give him a chance to slow things down, or just give him a chance in general?
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Ys, I'm afraid that is where my major screw up was. I just sorta let things evolve th way they did - I didnt set boundaries. I just wanted it to progress however it did naturally... but now it's a disaster because he definitely has strong feelings for me and I do not feel the same by far! I really don't want to hurt this guy, he is very sweet and really wants a good relationship. Maybe I can just wait it out a little longer to see if my feelings change? Maybe I'm freaking out because it's moving way too fast and it feels weird being a 'girlfirend' to someone I've only known for 10 days! I will talk to him tonight and ask him if he would be ok with taking a giant step back and not placing labels on our relationship yet, and let him know that I just want to date him but will be exclusive with him (since Im not too keen on dating various guys at the same tiome anyway...). This way I can give him a real chance (even though I dont see myself with him for a long time). But at least I can give him a sense that I tried and let the separation happen naturally? AArrgh. I don't know what to do.
mo mo Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think the guy is getting a little too attached too quickly, but the OP has done nothing to discourage him from doing so, and now she seems too quick to bail when the guy might be able to work with her on some of her concerns about moving too fast or not being comfortable enough. If she feels like it's too early to meet the friends and parents, why not give him a chance to slow things down, or just give him a chance in general? Yea thats exactly what I'm saying. I'm not saying it's weird that she thinks he is moving too fast, I'm saying it's ridiculous to cut him off completely. She needs to communicate with him instead of leaving him wondering.
GreenPolicy Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Ys, I'm afraid that is where my major screw up was. I just sorta let things evolve th way they did - I didnt set boundaries. I just wanted it to progress however it did naturally... but now it's a disaster because he definitely has strong feelings for me and I do not feel the same by far! I really don't want to hurt this guy, he is very sweet and really wants a good relationship. Maybe I can just wait it out a little longer to see if my feelings change? Maybe I'm freaking out because it's moving way too fast and it feels weird being a 'girlfirend' to someone I've only known for 10 days! I will talk to him tonight and ask him if he would be ok with taking a giant step back and not placing labels on our relationship yet, and let him know that I just want to date him but will be exclusive with him (since Im not too keen on dating various guys at the same tiome anyway...). This way I can give him a real chance (even though I dont see myself with him for a long time). But at least I can give him a sense that I tried and let the separation happen naturally? AArrgh. I don't know what to do. Either you are attracted to him or you're not. Either you see him as having boyfriend potential or not. If you're not attracted to him, break it off. If you can't see yourself as his girlfriend after you've spent time really getting to know each other and becoming more comfortable in each other's presence, break it off. If you feel like things are just moving too fast and you've been taken outside your comfort zone, then tell him and don't break it off quite yet.
mo mo Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Ys, I'm afraid that is where my major screw up was. I just sorta let things evolve th way they did - I didnt set boundaries. I just wanted it to progress however it did naturally... but now it's a disaster because he definitely has strong feelings for me and I do not feel the same by far! I really don't want to hurt this guy, he is very sweet and really wants a good relationship. Maybe I can just wait it out a little longer to see if my feelings change? Maybe I'm freaking out because it's moving way too fast and it feels weird being a 'girlfirend' to someone I've only known for 10 days! I will talk to him tonight and ask him if he would be ok with taking a giant step back and not placing labels on our relationship yet, and let him know that I just want to date him but will be exclusive with him (since Im not too keen on dating various guys at the same tiome anyway...). This way I can give him a real chance (even though I dont see myself with him for a long time). But at least I can give him a sense that I tried and let the separation happen naturally? AArrgh. I don't know what to do. Ok that is fair. I encourage you to do that. Communication is key!
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I'm not goin to show sympathy here Lil1. I am curious about why you now feel you don't want to be with him? Is it something about him? Or is it something about you or your past? It sounds like he felt a rare connection with you and is looking to build up on it. He may realize now that he may have come on too strong, but that doesn't mean he is a terrible person that is not worth your time. Quite frankly, the only terrible person here is you. You got a guy all excited because he saw something in you and now you want to cut him off just because you don't think you are ready. You probably have the wrong idea of what a relationship is all about. Relationships are a work in progress, and both people need to work as a team. I suspect you have this idea of what a relationship should be like, the things that should happen, etc. but you aren't even taking into account that he might be willing to work with you so that you feel comfortable around him. I know guys!! Believe me I feel terrible about all of this! I never ever wanted to cause anyone any emotional pain, and I even told him from the start that I'm not into playing games and would always be honest with him. I have expressed that I feel we are moving too fast... I even told him that I think he has stronger feelings for me than I do for him at this point and he asked me what he could do to make me feel better and stated that he really wanted to do everything to make this work because he really likes me. So in a way I do feel like I have been honest with him... but maybe not with myself until last night when I really took the time to examine my feelings about him. There have been some red flags that lead me to believe that he is in fact a 'clingy' guy and maybe he is looking for a relationship to feel better about himself - maybe he is more into the idea of having a girlfriend and it just so happens that we get along great - but I may not really be the right person for him. I should really just sit with him and lay it on him the way I've explained it here on LS. I just dont want to break his heart... and the possibility of that is real if I continue feeling this way but stay with him anyway just to be nice to him. Not good. Not good.
interfuse Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 We have had sex already and hold each other's hands and pretty much act like a couple already, and the fact that he's already introducing me to his best friend really makes me feel terrible because I realize I'm not ready for another serious relationship! There's the root to your problem. You already had sex with him and that you guys act like a couple already. That explains why he would want to be in a relationship with you after that. These signs are making it think that it's okay for him to really want to be with you. It's not his fault. I feel bad for the guy. Now you know next time don't have sex too quickly!
interfuse Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm glad you realized what you did was wrong and that's the first step in solving the problem. Really do let him know how you really feel. Do it honestly and quickly, not let it drag it out.
OliveOyl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Hey. You're not terrible, you just discovered something about yourself and changed your mind. In no way are you now beholden to continue giving him a chance or dating him if you don't want to. I agree with Imajerk, this is what dating is about. Sure, it's harder that you learned this after you slept with him, but sh*t happens. Hindsight is 20-20. That all being said, I would visualize yourself being in his position and figure out how you would want to be let down if the tables were turned. If you think face-to-face is better, then do that. If you feel you are more likely to "cave" and continue to give him false hope in person, then maybe over the phone would be better. You can do this in an honest and decent manner - use your intuition.
mo mo Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Hey. You're not terrible, you just discovered something about yourself and changed your mind. In no way are you now beholden to continue giving him a chance or dating him if you don't want to. I agree with Imajerk, this is what dating is about. Sure, it's harder that you learned this after you slept with him, but sh*t happens. Hindsight is 20-20. That all being said, I would visualize yourself being in his position and figure out how you would want to be let down if the tables were turned. If you think face-to-face is better, then do that. If you feel you are more likely to "cave" and continue to give him false hope in person, then maybe over the phone would be better. You can do this in an honest and decent manner - use your intuition. I think it's funny how you don't think communicating how she feels and seeing how he reacts to slowing down isn't an option to you. women.. sigh...
Hules Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 This is the exact reason I refuse to date women fresh out of relationships. I've seen so many friends burnt by this sort of behavior.
phineas Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Unless he is looking to marry & have kids, i'm pretty sure the guy would be ok if you told him you just wanted to have sex & date casually. unless you aren't attracted to him any more & he's totally fallen for you. Then you gotta end it. But, if you show him the benefits of getting the milk for free without having to buy the cow it would help him out greatly in the seeming clingy department.
GreenPolicy Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 In fairness to OP, the guy has moved things way too fast too quickly. After 10 days he's referring to her as his gf and wanting to start introducing her to his friends and family? I think both parties are at fault for the OP's discomfort: the guy for getting clingy and moving things at lightning speed, which is bound to take the OP out of her comfort zone, and the OP for not setting proper boundaries.
Author Lil1 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 So I had the talk with him last night. I think it went pretty well. I explained to him that I felt like I was being unfair to him by not disclosing my feelings 100% and told him that I felt that things were progressing waaay too fast. I apologized for misleading him by saying I was ready for a serious relationship and confessed that I'm not really ready for that. I also told him that I felt terrible for feeling this way but that I felt it was the right thing to talk to him about it and that I did not want to break his heart. I said said that it was unfair to him if he falls head over heels in love but not have it be reciprocated by me. He told me it was too late for that. He said that he completely understands and apologized to me for moving things along so fast. He realized also that he was coming on too strong and he is ok with taking it slower. I asked him if it would be ok to not label our relationship just yet, if we could in fact just date for now and give each other more time to really get to know each other before making that commitment of being in an 'official' relationship. I could tell he was visibly upset or disappointed but I did my best to let him know that I am still interested in him and would like to continue dating him even though I do not want to be his girlfriend yet. I also explained that I am not interested in dating other men for now because I would still like to concentrate on him and see where we go from here. He said he could live with that. He also said that he understands because he's been doing the dating thing for a while now and finally has met someone he could see himself in a LTR. He knows what he wants and hopes that I will "come around" and accept to be his girlfriend in the near future. I feel very relieved at having discussed this with him! We watched a movie together at my place and we cuddled but no sex was had. I think the best thing is to abstain from having sex with him because that just complicates everything!
Hules Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 How do you feel about him Lil? Do you actually see yourself having a relationship with this guy? Are you just using him as a bandaid to avoid dealing with your feelings of your past relationship? Are you using him as a emotional crutch? I don't mean to be harsh but I've been on the other end where friends have been with girls like yourself, they become blinded by love thinking that you will come around and then are destroyed when you break it off with them months later. Ive had to see too many friends who were caring, loving guys become spiteful, resentful and woman hating because of exactly what you are doing now. If you honestly don't see a future or a LTR relationship with this guy break it off with him its not fair. He's obviously crazy about you the longer it goes on the worse off he will be. I'm not saying its all your fault this guy came on way to strong and is obviously pretty clingy but he is looking for a LTR and you are not. Don't lead him on if you are not on the same page.
Author Lil1 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 I am still confused as to WHY you do not like him. Could you please give some more details? You mentioned "clingy" as a red flag... men are easily excitable when they see something they like. They are all big kids at heart. As for "looking for a relationship to feel better about himself"... isn't that kinda what we all do, in a way... we do feel better about ourselves when we have a partner who we enjoy having around and bettering our lives together, rather than alone. I think you wrote that you came out of a bad relationship. If you now have someone who worships the ground you walk on(?), you may be feeling that you don't deserve it... don't let those possible undiscovered negative feelings lead you down the wrong path by sabotaging someone that could potentially be good for you. Thrownaway, thank you for your good advice about writing my thoughts down... that is why I love LS. It allows me to put down my thoughts in writing and get some great feedback from wise and thoughtful people. As far as your question about why I do not like him, I have been thinking very hard on this. As shallow as this sounds, I really thinks it comes down to chemistry. I see him being more of a good friend than a lover. There have been some instances where we are discussing some randomn topic and he becomes very adamant about being correct... so much so that it almost starts to feel like an argument rather than a discussion (red flag!). Also, the clinginess I refer to is not only in the things he says (i.e. introducing me as his girlfirend to his friends and family!) but also in a physical sense. He always needs to hold me - not just hold me but hold me very close and tight, if we are sitting together, if we're walking, even when we are in the car he has to hold my hand! At first this felt very lovey dovey but now it feels like it's another red flag for me. There is also something else I have noticed the past 2 times I have seen him, and this may sound strange, but his scnet is not particularly pleasant to me. Not that he smells bad or anything, but I just don't know if I particularly like it (weird I know!). Lastly, the issue about being in a relationship to feel better about yourself... this is actually something I asked him about last night during our discussion. I asked him flat out if he was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship and having a girlfriend than with me and who I am. He replied by saying that yes, he would love to have a girlfriend but that he doesnt just want anyone and really sees me as 'the perfect candidate'. I do get what you're saying about people wanting to feel better about themselves by being in a relationship but I also think that it's a mistake if you enter into a relationship relying on the other person to make you happy - you have to be happy on your own and feel good about who you are and where you are in life before truly committing your wonderful self to another person. As long as both parties bring 100% of themselves into the relationship (not just a part of yourself and expect your SO to fulfill the missing part of you) it will be wholesome and successful. That is what I'm looking for, and I don't think I see this with him yet! P.S. I don't want someone to worship the ground I walk on... waay too much to live up to!
Author Lil1 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 How do you feel about him Lil? Do you actually see yourself having a relationship with this guy? Are you just using him as a bandaid to avoid dealing with your feelings of your past relationship? Are you using him as a emotional crutch? I don't mean to be harsh but I've been on the other end where friends have been with girls like yourself, they become blinded by love thinking that you will come around and then are destroyed when you break it off with them months later. Ive had to see too many friends who were caring, loving guys become spiteful, resentful and woman hating because of exactly what you are doing now. QUOTE] Hules, I have to sadly admit that there is some legitimacy to this in my case:(. My ex is finally coming down this weekend to get his things out of my apt. (he moved out in OCt.). So there are some issues sort of resurfacing, or rather, finally being resolved, from my last relationship. Yes, it was very difficult for me to get past the heartbreak but I assure you I am over my ex. I realized a while after our break up that there were many things about us that just didnt jive and in the long run it would have caused both of us more damage (the relationship lasted a little over two years). While I did love him very much once, I no longer feel anything for him. When I think of him it doesnt stir up any sort of emotion other than relief that I didnt invest more of myself, my life, into that relationship. I am not bitter about it, I'm not even angry, just relieved and ready to move on. Move on with my life, my goals, and my love life. However I have discovered that the idea of a serious relationship brings back feelings of stress, and I do not know if it is because everything progressed so fast with my new SO or because I have not fallen completely in love with him yet (or at all... just really like him as a person), maybe it's a combination of both things that are causing me to pull away. I do realize though that I have inevitably (though unintentionally) used him as a rebound (which I believe GreenPolicy pointed out to me), and that does make me feel very bad, very guilty, and just overall terrible. I do not want him to become a spiteful, resentful womanizer ever. He is a caring and as far as I can tell, loving guy, which is why I do not want to end things abruptly with him. I know that inherently what I am doing is wrong because it is still dragging it out and leading him on... but I try to put myself in his place and I would much rather be let down easy than suddenly and unexpectedly, especiallly because he IS a good guy. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe most guys would rather be cut off right away. I dont know. Everyone is different. I still feel terrible about not... being in love with him essentially.
mo mo Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 So I had the talk with him last night. I think it went pretty well. I explained to him that I felt like I was being unfair to him by not disclosing my feelings 100% and told him that I felt that things were progressing waaay too fast. I apologized for misleading him by saying I was ready for a serious relationship and confessed that I'm not really ready for that. I also told him that I felt terrible for feeling this way but that I felt it was the right thing to talk to him about it and that I did not want to break his heart. I said said that it was unfair to him if he falls head over heels in love but not have it be reciprocated by me. He told me it was too late for that. He said that he completely understands and apologized to me for moving things along so fast. He realized also that he was coming on too strong and he is ok with taking it slower. I asked him if it would be ok to not label our relationship just yet, if we could in fact just date for now and give each other more time to really get to know each other before making that commitment of being in an 'official' relationship. I could tell he was visibly upset or disappointed but I did my best to let him know that I am still interested in him and would like to continue dating him even though I do not want to be his girlfriend yet. I also explained that I am not interested in dating other men for now because I would still like to concentrate on him and see where we go from here. He said he could live with that. He also said that he understands because he's been doing the dating thing for a while now and finally has met someone he could see himself in a LTR. He knows what he wants and hopes that I will "come around" and accept to be his girlfriend in the near future. I feel very relieved at having discussed this with him! We watched a movie together at my place and we cuddled but no sex was had. I think the best thing is to abstain from having sex with him because that just complicates everything! Good for you. You did the right thing by coming here to share your thoughts. I hope it all works out for you!!!
Imajerk17 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 As far as your question about why I do not like him, I have been thinking very hard on this. As shallow as this sounds, I really thinks it comes down to chemistry. I see him being more of a good friend than a lover. There have been some instances where we are discussing some randomn topic and he becomes very adamant about being correct... so much so that it almost starts to feel like an argument rather than a discussion (red flag!). Also, the clinginess I refer to is not only in the things he says (i.e. introducing me as his girlfirend to his friends and family!) but also in a physical sense. He always needs to hold me - not just hold me but hold me very close and tight, if we are sitting together, if we're walking, even when we are in the car he has to hold my hand! At first this felt very lovey dovey but now it feels like it's another red flag for me. There is also something else I have noticed the past 2 times I have seen him, and this may sound strange, but his scnet is not particularly pleasant to me. Not that he smells bad or anything, but I just don't know if I particularly like it (weird I know!). Lastly, the issue about being in a relationship to feel better about yourself... this is actually something I asked him about last night during our discussion. I asked him flat out if he was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship and having a girlfriend than with me and who I am. He replied by saying that yes, he would love to have a girlfriend but that he doesnt just want anyone and really sees me as 'the perfect candidate'. I do get what you're saying about people wanting to feel better about themselves by being in a relationship but I also think that it's a mistake if you enter into a relationship relying on the other person to make you happy - you have to be happy on your own and feel good about who you are and where you are in life before truly committing your wonderful self to another person. As long as both parties bring 100% of themselves into the relationship (not just a part of yourself and expect your SO to fulfill the missing part of you) it will be wholesome and successful. That is what I'm looking for, and I don't think I see this with him yet! P.S. I don't want someone to worship the ground I walk on... waay too much to live up to! Haha. My late grandmother used to give me this advice: "Don't smother her! Leave a little mystery." And you know what--she is right. My point is that I think these are actually quite real reasons for not being into someone. The guy you've been seeing is smothering you, and just as this turned off my grandmother when she dated back in her day--and she did her share--it is turning you off too. To your credit though, you are at least trying to look past it and give things a chance. And maybe you might fall for him. Stranger things have happened.
GreenPolicy Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I still feel terrible about not... being in love with him essentially. Uh, you've known him for a week and a half. Of course you're not "in love" with him. And he's not "in love" with you. That takes a few months to genuinely occur. What he feels is extreme infatuation and lust. You're both still essentially strangers. The question is, are you genuinely attracted to this guy and can you see yourself being in an exclusive relationship with him after you guys have known each other for a couple months? I think it takes about that long to get a real good feel for each other's personalities and decide if you're compatible enough to proceed into a relationship. If you're not attracted to him, and you don't see yourself in a relationship with him, then you need to end it ASAP. If you are attracted to him, and you think he is boyfriend material, then there's no reason to stop seeing him. You just need to establish firm boundaries if you think he is trying to move things too fast.
mo mo Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Uh, you've known him for a week and a half. Of course you're not "in love" with him. And he's not "in love" with you. That takes a few months to genuinely occur. What he feels is extreme infatuation and lust. You're both still essentially strangers. The question is, are you genuinely attracted to this guy and can you see yourself being in an exclusive relationship with him after you guys have known each other for a couple months? I think it takes about that long to get a real good feel for each other's personalities and decide if you're compatible enough to proceed into a relationship. If you're not attracted to him, and you don't see yourself in a relationship with him, then you need to end it ASAP. If you are attracted to him, and you think he is boyfriend material, then there's no reason to stop seeing him. You just need to establish firm boundaries if you think he is trying to move things too fast. This post is confusing...
GreenPolicy Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 This post is confusing... Why is it confusing? If she's not attracted to him and she doesn't view him as boyfriend potential, then she's wasting both his time and hers. But if she does find him attractive and sees him as a potential boyfriend, then there's no reason to break it off without giving him a chance to slow his roll, so to speak.
mo mo Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Why is it confusing? If she's not attracted to him and she doesn't view him as boyfriend potential, then she's wasting both his time and hers. But if she does find him attractive and sees him as a potential boyfriend, then there's no reason to break it off without giving him a chance to slow his roll, so to speak. It's confusing because you said it takes a few months to really get to know someone and make the LTR decision. You say they've only known each other for a week and a half so they are still strangers to each other. Then you say she should decide if she sees him as LTR material now, because she could be wasting his time. But they don't know each other that well yet.. how could she make that decision now if she hasn't really had the few months needed to make that evaluation? That is why I thought it was ridiculous to jump the gun and cut him off in the first place. Everyone gets excited, and everyone makes mistakes. Everyone also learns from their mistakes and most people are fairly flexible. Just because he got all excited fast doesn't mean he should be dropped instantly.. she did the right thing by letting him know how she feels and he is agreeing to slow down because he realizes he came on strong.
Author Lil1 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Green Policy and Mo Mo, I think that you are both getting at the same thing... give him a real chance because he is deserving of it. Allow each other to really get to know each other before getting into a serious relationship. Green Policy does have a legitimate point because so far I really can't see myself in a LTR with him, and in a way, him getting so serious right away has forced me to really think about what it is I see in him and whether I would want to be with him for a long time to come... so far there is no deep desire in me to keep pursuing a relationship with him. Therefore, Green Policy, you think that I should just stop wasting both of our time and break things off now. I completely see your point. However, Mo Mo also has a good point in that I really am just starting to get to know him, and by breaking things off now it would be unfair to him (and myself) by not giving him a real chance. He likes me very much and has made it clear that he is ok with taking things slower so that we can both give it a real shot since things have been going well so far. The biggest driver for me with this situation right now is that I really do not want to hurt him. He is trying his best to make something of us and there isnt anything about him as a person that makes him 'bad boyfriend material'. He is a good person and deserves someone honest and loving. I just dont see myself being the one for him (and vice versa). Maybe this will change once we have gotten into a slower more comfortable pace. I dont know if I am approaching this the right way, but I def. appreciate all of your advice because it is helping me a great deal! I think the best thing I can do for my SO is to be honest with him and gently let him go if I still feel the same ambivalency (is that a word? - not exactly indifference, but unsure) in the next couple of weeks.
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 How can I tell him this without bursting his happy bubble and possibly make him more cynical about women? A woman actually cares about not hurting a guy's feelings and making the guy more cynical about women? I'm amazed. If you really mean that, then be honest about what you want out of the relationship. However, no sense ruining something which might be good. Might you change your mind if you get to know him better? If so, hold off on telling him. If you're sure, tell him. I wish more women had it within themselves to be honest.
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