Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I am in trouble guys. I met a guy online last Monday and we ended up really enjoying each other's company. But things have moved waaay too fast. I admit, I got carried away with my emotions. He is the first guy I have dated after my breakup and now I am realizing that I really don't want anything serious with him. Except I dont have the heart to tell him this yet. He is really into me and tells me how happy he is that he finally found someone he can connect with and he is truly happy! So I don't want to hurt him. I met his best friend last night and even though I had a good time, I realized when I got home that I have no real intention of pursuing aN LTR with him. I feel so lousy now:( How can I tell him this without bursting his happy bubble and possibly make him more cynical about women? I really do enjoy his company but I also definitely don't see a future with him. Should I stick it out a little longer and slowly pull away or do I just tell him right now? We have only known eachother for about 2 weeks now but I can tell he is starting to become very invested in "us". Please advise me!
chelle21689 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I got too excited seeing someone right after my break up. I kinda freaked out when he told me he missed me. We decided to go very slow and we're on the same page. It was only a month after my break up when we started "talking". It's been 6 weeks of us talking and "hanging out" and he just now started holding my hand and we haven't even kissed. Things are going fine but very slow which is very helpful to us both. I'm not ready for a relationship right now but I'd like to get there with him. Maybe mention to him about how you feel...just say you're not ready for a relationship because of the whole break up and say that you made a mistake of jumping into thte dating world too soon and you need space. lol Then slowly withdrawl
waynesworld Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 When you say you don't want anything long-term with him, is it because you're not over your breakup yet, or because he came on way too strong, way too fast? Best not to let this drag this on. He sounds like a stage 5 clinger, and it could get harder the longer you wait.
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 We have had sex already and hold each other's hands and pretty much act like a couple already, and the fact that he's already introducing me to his best friend really makes me feel terrible because I realize I'm not ready for another serious relationship! I should probably just be honest with him, but I know it's def. gonna cause some damage. There is no real justifiable reason why I couldnt be with him, he is after all a very nice and seemingly compatible guy (and the sex between us was incredible!). But I just really dont want to jump into another relationship. I plan on deleting my online account since I dont want to hurt anyone else and I am clearly not ready for another relationship quite yet. Bummer I had to find out this way. I really thought I was ready to start something new but now that it's actually happening I just wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction! I just feel so terrible that this little self discovery is going to hurt an innocent, genuinely nice guy! I feel like such a s**t.
serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 are you sure he's looking for a long term relationship as opposed to casual dating? some people are more open/casual about introducing others to their friends. what were the circumstances under which you met the best friend?
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 are you sure he's looking for a long term relationship as opposed to casual dating? some people are more open/casual about introducing others to their friends. what were the circumstances under which you met the best friend? Yes he is def. looking for a LTR, and I thought I was too. So I'm afraid I have completely misled him because now I am seeing how I really feel about everything and I know that is not what I want! He introduced me as his girlfirend and has told me that he has told his sister and his coworkers about me (i havent told anyone about him!). He wants to meet my friends and basically be in a committed relationship with me. Ugh I feel so bad about all of this because like I said, I did let my emotions run wild. I felt so happy to know that I still have "it" and can still make genuine connections, but now that its actually happening I just dont want any of it! I am realizing that I like my singleness, and while I do crave physical intimacy, that is not a valid reason to go and start a relationship with someone. Yikes! I am trying to think of what to say to him, how do I even begin the conversation?! I feel like I will have made a fool of him, and I feel terrible!
serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 yikes! sounds like he's moving way too fast, or at least things have gotten out of control! well, it sounds like you know what you need to do. letting him down easy ASAP is the best option as he's only going to get more and more attached with each passing day. why don't you want an LTR right now? is that perhaps an issue or do you just need more time to get over your last one?
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I'm realizing I don't want an LTR because I am afraid of the commitment. I gave 100% of myself completely in my last relationship and my ex ended up walking away from all of it to pursue a new life in a different state - he felt like he needed to discover himself. I am complteley over my ex, there are no feelings for him still lingering, I am done with that aspect of him - but being in another LTR really does not sit well with me right now, and it probably is because of how my last relationship with my ex ended. OMG I just know that my current guy is gonna feel so bad and so hurt that he was misled by me and that he really didnt find the girl for him. I'm thinking the best thing to do will be to extremely limit our contact for the next few days and then let him know that I'm really not ready for another relationship. I just feel bad for him really. I wouldnt want to be in the receiving end of all this, rejection is such a painful experience =(
TheLoneSock Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I am in trouble guys. I met a guy online last Monday and we ended up really enjoying each other's company. But things have moved waaay too fast. I admit, I got carried away with my emotions. He is the first guy I have dated after my breakup and now I am realizing that I really don't want anything serious with him. Except I dont have the heart to tell him this yet. He is really into me and tells me how happy he is that he finally found someone he can connect with and he is truly happy! So I don't want to hurt him. I met his best friend last night and even though I had a good time, I realized when I got home that I have no real intention of pursuing aN LTR with him. I feel so lousy now:( How can I tell him this without bursting his happy bubble and possibly make him more cynical about women? I really do enjoy his company but I also definitely don't see a future with him. Should I stick it out a little longer and slowly pull away or do I just tell him right now? We have only known eachother for about 2 weeks now but I can tell he is starting to become very invested in "us". Please advise me! Lol, you rebounded. Classic! Cut him loose so he can find someone who deserves his attentiveness. And yes, you did rebound. You were rejected from your last relationship, and this has validated you because you feel wanted again. That was your goal.
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Lol, you rebounded. Classic! Cut him loose so he can find someone who deserves his attentiveness. And yes, you did rebound. You were rejected from your last relationship, and this has validated you because you feel wanted again. That was your goal. OMG I did huh. Wow I feel so bad that I didnt even know that's what I was doing until just now that you said it. I am new to dating - I have only ever been in 2 serious LTRs so I thought I would try dating but I guess I should just refrain. I don't want to hurt anyone or use them as a rebound. That is terrible. I feel my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach, I feel terrible that I did that to someone:(
serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Don't be too hard on yourself Lil. You sound like a good person and now you know the level of commitment you're ready for. Live and learn. Better to let him down sooner than to get yourself into something you don't want and then really break his heart later. You can do it, you'll survive! Good luck! 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 OMG I did huh. Wow I feel so bad that I didnt even know that's what I was doing until just now that you said it. I am new to dating - I have only ever been in 2 serious LTRs so I thought I would try dating but I guess I should just refrain. I don't want to hurt anyone or use them as a rebound. That is terrible. I feel my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach, I feel terrible that I did that to someone:( Meh... you did what you did. There isn't any real way to fix it now. Just tell him the truth and let him pick up the pieces himself. That's how life works. Everybody rebounds. Part of me also thinks trust is for suckers... but in reality its about who you trust and when.
wheretofromhere Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Bummer I had to find out this way. I really thought I was ready to start something new but now that it's actually happening I just wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction! I just feel so terrible that this little self discovery is going to hurt an innocent, genuinely nice guy! I feel like such a s**t. here what you tell him. these are your true feelings!
wheretofromhere Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Bummer I had to find out this way. I really thought I was ready to start something new but now that it's actually happening I just wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction! I just feel so terrible that this little self discovery is going to hurt an innocent, genuinely nice guy! I feel like such a s**t. here is what you tell him. these are your true feelings!
Imajerk17 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Sending him an email telling him what you told us, acknowledging and apologizing for your role in the confusion. And in the email, offer to talk to him about it over the phone.
TheLoneSock Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 OMG I did huh. Wow I feel so bad that I didnt even know that's what I was doing until just now that you said it. I am new to dating - I have only ever been in 2 serious LTRs so I thought I would try dating but I guess I should just refrain. I don't want to hurt anyone or use them as a rebound. That is terrible. I feel my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach, I feel terrible that I did that to someone:( Give him a call and explain all of this to him. I wouldn't say it warrants meeting him in person for it but he deserves more than an e-mail or string of texts. Do it without delay, and do it honestly.
Imajerk17 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 That's why it is called dating, and not engagement or marriage. You have a right to discover that this isn't right for you now. What you do need to do though, is own up, and do so in a way that is considerate of the feelings of the guy you've been seeing.
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Really you guys think it's wrong if I discuss this in person with him? I am going to essentially break things off with him so I figured it would be the best thing to give face and do it personally - but you guys think I should just do it over the phone? He is def gonna be a little surprised by it I think. I did tell him on Sunday that I felt like it was moving a little too fast and that I am still just trying to get to know him better, but that so far I thought he was a great person. But to now go from that to saying I want nothing to do with you anymore because I dont see an LTR with you?! All the while it is really not him personally because he is a good guy. I can't even think straight about this. I hate feeling this torn up I feel so responsible and Im sad that I will be making him sad. Sigh!
TheLoneSock Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Really you guys think it's wrong if I discuss this in person with him? I am going to essentially break things off with him so I figured it would be the best thing to give face and do it personally - but you guys think I should just do it over the phone? If you think it will be better to do it in person, then by all means. I wouldn't worry about the mode so much as the message. He will want to save face, but at the same time he will appreciate a more personal approach. Don't think about it too hard, it over complicates things.
serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think it's in good taste to do it in person. Over the phone is so impersonal. It's the least you can do...
Author Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Yes, I agree. I will wait till the weekend though cause I dont wanna cause him additional stress while he is working. Ugh. This sucks. Thanks all of you for your advice, you have helped me feel better about what course to take! (The right one!... instead of leading him on just to be nice and not cause him pain, but it has to happen now because it will get harder the longer I wait.)
GreenPolicy Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You like him and he seems like a good guy. Can't you tell him that things have moved a little too fast and you want to slow down, and you're not looking for anything extremely serious after your most recent relationship? Why throw the baby out with the bathwater? Breaking it off now is definitely gonna hurt him because you've already been intimate. That's why you take things slow at first and don't rush to have sex, at least not without establishing expectations.
GreenPolicy Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 He introduced me as his girlfirend and has told me that he has told his sister and his coworkers about me (i havent told anyone about him!). Wait, he's known you 10 days and is already introducing you as his gf? Have you disputed this or let him know that you don't consider things to be exclusive? He definitely seems like an anxious clinger, but on the other hand, you have to be setting boundaries and expectations at all times.
mo mo Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm not goin to show sympathy here Lil1. I am curious about why you now feel you don't want to be with him? Is it something about him? Or is it something about you or your past? It sounds like he felt a rare connection with you and is looking to build up on it. He may realize now that he may have come on too strong, but that doesn't mean he is a terrible person that is not worth your time. Quite frankly, the only terrible person here is you. You got a guy all excited because he saw something in you and now you want to cut him off just because you don't think you are ready. You probably have the wrong idea of what a relationship is all about. Relationships are a work in progress, and both people need to work as a team. I suspect you have this idea of what a relationship should be like, the things that should happen, etc. but you aren't even taking into account that he might be willing to work with you so that you feel comfortable around him.
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