Mrlonelyone Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 OK While I still think you should not have went through your GF's stuff. This is something else. Her being in possession of drugs, and perhaps doing some drugs, and doing drugs with another guy are HUGE red flags. You should come clean to her, then see if she comes clean to you. Have a good long talk about all of these issues, about boundaries, about all of that. This does not have to be the end, but some things will need to change. However some people never really change all that much. Ask yourself if she is not clean can you live with an addict in your life?
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Kelemort, SummersEve, sally4sara, I concede that all of you make valid points. I'd be lying (see what I did thur) if I said I am not disappointed in myself to a certain extent for giving in to the availability of said accounts. I admit that I anticipated people being concerned by my own behavior. That's why I admitted at the end of the thread that, should my relationship with this girl survive, trust issues are going to have to get sorted out. I kind of disagree with the prevailing logic about privacy. My motto is trust but verify. It's cool to trust this girl... but there are some things that are VERY unsettling and you should be checking up on. Honestly, if you get burned by this girl... the same posters will come back and blame you for trusting her. Were I in your shoes I would have already confronted her about stuff and either be holding her to very rigid honesty or already walking away.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 @untouchable fire. Trust but verify. Suppose a potential SO wanted to do a complete background check on you. How would you feel? Would you think it was creepy? Suppose they did and did not tell you? Do unto others... that's all I'm saying. __________ OP If you had private messaging enabled I would send you this that way. Anyway... All relationships go through what you are going through. I am not an expert on this. This video explains it well. http://www.videojug.com/interview/the-life-cycle-of-a-relationship Relationships go through definite phases. One of those phases is the "reality" phase. The reality of the other person hits you... this comes after the "honeymoon" phase. You go from thinking they are perfect and ideal and ignoring any red flags... to seeing the flaws. Sometimes relationships end when this happens. Sometimes working through this phase is where real commitment's happen.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I kind of disagree with the prevailing logic about privacy. My motto is trust but verify. It's cool to trust this girl... but there are some things that are VERY unsettling and you should be checking up on. Honestly, if you get burned by this girl... the same posters will come back and blame you for trusting her. Were I in your shoes I would have already confronted her about stuff and either be holding her to very rigid honesty or already walking away. Although you and I disagree on very many things, general attitudes towards women in particular, I think I more or less agree with you here. I believe that by agreeing to date anyone officially and exclusively, you are already giving them the benefit of the doubt by allowing an emotional intimacy to begin. This in itself is already an act of great trust. Despite my knowledge about my girlfriend's past, I pushed my doubts and possible red flags out of the way and trusted her enough to want to date her. Maybe next time, upon getting a whiff of a background story like hers, I should move on and not date at all. I was out of the dating game for 3 years, though not abstinent by any means. Cut me some slack here:p
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 @untouchable fire. Trust but verify. Suppose a potential SO wanted to do a complete background check on you. How would you feel? Would you think it was creepy? Suppose they did and did not tell you? Do unto others... that's all I'm saying. __________ OP If you had private messaging enabled I would send you this that way. Anyway... All relationships go through what you are going through. I am not an expert on this. This video explains it well. http://www.videojug.com/interview/the-life-cycle-of-a-relationship Relationships go through definite phases. One of those phases is the "reality" phase. The reality of the other person hits you... this comes after the "honeymoon" phase. You go from thinking they are perfect and ideal and ignoring any red flags... to seeing the flaws. Sometimes relationships end when this happens. Sometimes working through this phase is where real commitment's happen. Fair question (though not addressed to me, I hope you don't mind me answering). I personally have nothing to hide. No arrests, convictions, past or current chemical addictions, significant behavioral or psychological issues, history of infidelity, history of womanizing, no current crushes that aren't her, and so forth. If a woman wants to dig up dirt on me, she is more than welcome to. If she never tells me about it or I never find out, then obviously it never affects me. But I would never hold it against anyone to try to know more about who they are dating.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Fair question (though not addressed to me, I hope you don't mind me answering). I personally have nothing to hide. No arrests, convictions, past or current chemical addictions, significant behavioral or psychological issues, history of infidelity, history of womanizing, no current crushes that aren't her, and so forth. If a woman wants to dig up dirt on me, she is more than welcome to. If she never tells me about it or I never find out, then obviously it never affects me. But I would never hold it against anyone to try to know more about who they are dating. A regular Eagle Scout huh? LOL. Well I guess it depends on if you have embarrassing facts that you want to keep hidden. Not that I have anything against you. Let me put it this way... what good really comes of your knowing these things? If you hadn't found them out they would have come out latter and when she felt close enough to you to tell you. Not everyone you meet is going to have a clean background check. Sometimes good people mess up in the past. Other than these things is she an overall good person?
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 @untouchable fire. Trust but verify. Suppose a potential SO wanted to do a complete background check on you. How would you feel? Would you think it was creepy? Suppose they did and did not tell you? Do unto others... that's all I'm saying. That wouldn't bother me a bit. I dated a girl that obsessively snooped. After 2 months she completely stopped... there just wasn't anything to find. I understood where she was coming from as her last relationship had lots of lies. TBQ has a warrant to search at this point. Although you and I disagree on very many things, general attitudes towards women in particular, I think I more or less agree with you here. I believe that by agreeing to date anyone officially and exclusively, you are already giving them the benefit of the doubt by allowing an emotional intimacy to begin. This in itself is already an act of great trust. Despite my knowledge about my girlfriend's past, I pushed my doubts and possible red flags out of the way and trusted her enough to want to date her. Maybe next time, upon getting a whiff of a background story like hers, I should move on and not date at all. I was out of the dating game for 3 years, though not abstinent by any means. Cut me some slack here:p Our big disagreements in the past were regarding sexual attitudes. I really don't care for women who see sex as a recreational thing or a manipulation tool. I don't care for men like that either. You are currently giving up a lot to be with her. I believe she is trying to be trustworthy... or perhaps she wants you but doesn't want to change some stuff that she feels you may not like about her. Either way I would say she bears heavy monitoring and scrutiny. It's only been what... 3 months? I would say long term the percentages are against you... but people gamble because the payouts can be great.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 A regular Eagle Scout huh? LOL. Well I guess it depends on if you have embarrassing facts that you want to keep hidden. Not that I have anything against you. Let me put it this way... what good really comes of your knowing these things? If you hadn't found them out they would have come out latter and when she felt close enough to you to tell you. Not everyone you meet is going to have a clean background check. Sometimes good people mess up in the past. Other than these things is she an overall good person? In most contexts you'd be correct. But I think you're forgetting that what worries me the most is CURRENT and very recent behavior, not behavior from times long gone. Although it is slightly disconcerting, I don't hold it against her if she had a drug phase in her life. Plenty of people do. If she had gotten arrested one time at age 19 for being drunk and disorderly, I wouldn't hold it against her either. I'm talking about patterns of behavior that continue to manifest in the present. As of right now, I think my girlfriend is being shady by not disclosing things she is currently doing. I admit that the subject of the opening post was not really my business. I stumbled upon it while searching for any and all references to me. I'm going to be a pest and answer your question with a question. Given that past behavior is the strongest (if still rather imperfect) indicator of future behavior, what would I have gained by waiting months or years to go by without doing any sort of investigation for me to find out that she is in possession of ecstasy and offers to sell it when asked, that she's a habitual liar, that she keeps things from me that I as a significant other am entitled to know?
SummersEve Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Re Lonely's recent post of how you would feel if this girl (who you have known for all of three months and monitor 24/7) did a background check on you, do not be surprised if that is more than a rhetorical question. Or if you feel differently about it when you find out it happened in reality rather than just in theory. Do you really think a girl who got a whole police background check done on another girl who was dating some guy she kinda knew does not have a complete dossier on you and probably all of your friends and family members too? She probably runs surveillance on your surveillance running on her. LOL. So okay then, you may just be made for eachother. The two of you go ahead, enjoy your love fest of sneaking up on eachother with your respective binoculars at all times. Because the whole point of getting to know someone is to find out if they -gasp- LIED to you! Dude, WTF?
sunshinegirl Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) I genuinely have nothing to hide. Really? So you're going to tell her about all of her accounts you have have repeatedly checked, all the messages you have read, and about starting a lengthy thread on a relationship forum to discuss her character and trustworthiness (or lack thereof)? I mean, that should be easy since she gave you all of her passwords, right? Wake up, OP: if you are not ready to right now pick up the phone and tell her everything you have been doing, then you do indeed have something to hide. And why might that be? Maybe you're feeling bad, a little embarrassed at what you've done, and you don't want her to know? Huh. That sounds familiar, no? You seem to consider yourself to be somehow a plane above her in matters of honesty and transparency, justifying your own behavior while judging hers. Careful about casting those stones, my friend. (P.S. If you want to break up with her based on what you learned, then break up with her!) Edited March 31, 2011 by sunshinegirl
TheLoneSock Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I will admit that I have on numerous occasions logged onto her facebook account and gone through her message inbox. As far as I know, she does not know this. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt in terms of trust, but given the assurance that she had nothing to hide, I figure I'd look around and see if I found anything disconcerting. You realize this is a complete contradiction, right? You sound extremely insecure and immature. You're perfect for each other!
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Re Lonely's recent post of how you would feel if this girl (who you have known for all of three months and monitor 24/7) did a background check on you, do not be surprised if that is more than a rhetorical question. Or if you feel differently about it when you find out it happened in reality rather than just in theory. Do you really think a girl who got a whole police background check done on another girl who was dating some guy she kinda knew does not have a complete dossier on you and probably all of your friends and family members too? She probably runs surveillance on your surveillance running on her. LOL. So okay then, you may just be made for eachother. The two of you go ahead, enjoy your love fest of sneaking up on eachother with your respective binoculars at all times. Because the whole point of getting to know someone is to find out if they -gasp- LIED to you! Dude, WTF? If you're going to keep responding to this thread, I highly recommend you carefully read what I've written and to not make assumptions. My girlfriend did not file a "police background check." Her mother, an executive at a hospital, did an employment background check on that other girl, as in, finding out why she no longer worked there. Is that a tad excessive? Perhaps, but it doesn't affect me personally. Furthermore, this is not "just some guy she kind of knew." This is a relatively close friend from her high school years. If she wants to monitor my stuff, she can go right ahead.
SummersEve Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 If you're going to keep responding to this thread, I highly recommend you carefully read what I've written and to not make assumptions. My girlfriend did not file a "police background check." Her mother, an executive at a hospital, did an employment background check on that other girl, as in, finding out why she no longer worked there. Is that a tad excessive? Perhaps, but it doesn't affect me personally. Furthermore, this is not "just some guy she kind of knew." This is a relatively close friend from her high school years. If she wants to monitor my stuff, she can go right ahead. Background check, just some casual friend. What did I miss that was of substance?
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I don’t really like the mindset you are in. You have every right to be upset about certain situations. It was obvious that with or with out the facebook messages the guys in her life bothered you. It does seem like she keeps men in her life that would be problematic to future relationships not involving them. You say stuff like she deleted the proof. Why do you need proof you already saw it? I just find comments of that type funny. I personally wouldn’t date a girl who had a druggy cheating male friend in her life. I also would be very suspicious of a girlfriend who had any kind of strong feelings about some guy’s love life. I wouldn’t need to go snooping through her facebook message to get proof.
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