Snooped around and caught my girlfriend in a big unnecessary lie.

[TheBigQuestion]

My girlfriend and I have been officially dating for about 3 months now. She has, up until this point, given the appearance of being a very upfront person with nothing to hide. This can be exemplified by her giving me both her facebook and cell phone passwords rather early on. I need to make clear that I never asked for, demanded, coerced, or used any devious or underhanded means to gain access to any of these accounts or items. She volunteered them on a random basis with the assurance that she doesn't care if I have access to these things because she has nothing to hide.

 

I will admit that I have on numerous occasions logged onto her facebook account and gone through her message inbox. As far as I know, she does not know this. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt in terms of trust, but given the assurance that she had nothing to hide, I figure I'd look around and see if I found anything disconcerting. I found some questionable things that are probably best kept to another thread, or at least to be brought up later in this thread.

 

In our usual nightly text conversations, she told me that a formerly good male friend of hers, J, is no longer speaking to her, and has in fact been doing the fade on her for a while. This is a familiar story to me. This guy has a girlfriend, K, whom my girlfriend has expressed a lot of distaste for, stemming primarily from K's lack of ambition driving down the formerly ambitious J. I asked her if she had at any point expressed her disdain for K directly to either of them, and her response, after me asking the same question several different times in disguise, was that she did not. She said that she only had met her three times during the summer, never contacted her otherwise, and never expressed to either J or K her dislike for K. I know neither of these two people and therefore have nothing at stake in this matter. J and my girlfriend have no romantic or sexual history.

 

The problem is that from reading her facebook inbox, I know that this is a bold-faced lie. My girlfriend had her mom (who works in the hospital from which K was formerly employed) to do a employee background check on her. Upon finding this out through the grapevine, K messaged my girlfriend and confronted her about it. What ensued was a long, detailed and occasionally nasty message that basically said "I don't think you're good enough for J, and I'm going to list these 10 reasons why."

 

Although I found the message to be a tad nasty when I read it for the first time a few months ago, I did not think it was a big deal. As previously stated, I have no reason to care what happens to either J or K. So what I'm wondering is, for what reason is she lying to me? So I logged into her account and found the messages from November, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. The original thread had been deleted by her. The next time I refreshed the page, the thread where she forwarded the conversation was also deleted. She also subsequently deleted a message in which she indirectly discussed the confrontation. I wasn't able to copy and paste anything, so I can't PROVE anything now.

 

This concerns me not because of her behavior towards this girl, but because she told me a completely unnecessary lie. In my experience, the only people that do this sort of thing are compulsive liars. If she has lied about this, and then proceeded to cover up any evidence that these conversations occurred (which I witnessed happening in real-time), what else has she lied to me about? What else is she covering up? Obviously she feels like she has something to hide.

 

What I ask of you, fellow LoveShackers, is how I should approach talking to her about this. Even though she gave me the keys to the house, so to speak, maybe she was not anticipating that I'd rummage through the file cabinets, so it's an understandably sticky situation. It's obvious that we both have a few trust issues that we need to work on, but the start of this process will unfortunately have to hinge on this particular incident. I appreciate all feedback!

[Kelemort]

You never should've gone through your girlfriend's Facebook. The moment she handed you those passwords, you should've given them back to her and said, "Ok, now go home and change them, please."

 

You had no business getting into her Facebook, her e-mail or anything else of that sort. She is allowed to have her privacy. Why are you even bothered about this situation? I think you mentioned that you've never even met these people before. They play no part in your relationship. So why do you care what her relationship with them is like?

 

She probably lied to you because she felt guilty about what she had done when she ran that girl down. She probably did it in a fit of anger, then realized she had overstepped her bounds. I have to admit I've done similar things before, and I think many people have - we realize our behavior was shameful, and we don't want to admit it to more and more people who may or may not run us down for it all over again. What she lied about was relatively minor, and so far it's only one thing.

 

You are letting your imagination run wild over something that's minor. You need to confess your privacy breach now and admit what you found. You also need to tell her that she needs to change all of her passwords and you no longer want to be involved in her life online, because secure people do not need to keep tabs on all of their significant other's personal spaces. She is allowed to have her privacy, and I think that includes the Internet. You have only been dating this girl for 3 months and you are fast heading for the fire.

 

Admit your wrongs and confess what you found. See what she says. I think that her response (and she may be angry at you ) will tell you if this is a common pattern with her, or if this is a one-off thing, as I suspect it is.

[tigressA]

First off, you really should talk to her. Tell her what you found in her inbox, and ask her why she deleted it.

 

Seriously, a background check?! A whole list of reasons directed to K about why she isn't good enough for J? Your GF has it pretty damn bad for J. It's crystal-clear to me. She is WAY too territorial for her concerns to be stemming from anything less than her own romantic feelings for this guy.

[Kelemort]

SO what do you do? You wait for a good opportunity. A mellow day when she isn't upset. And you say, "A while ago, you offered me some passwords to sites like Facebook and told me that you had nothing to hide. I'm ashamed to admit that I went through those sites and started looking through your messages. I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry. I would like for you to change your passwords to remove the temptation for me."

 

As for the K thing? That's up to you to decide if you want to bring it up. Personally, I wouldn't. But if you intend to, you could say, "I found some messages that you wrote to K about all of the reasons that you didn't like her. You told me that you had never said anything about how you disapproved of her. So, I was just wondering if you would talk with me about that."

 

Remember, you are the one who invaded her personal space and she doesn't owe you any answers. Frankly, I hope she locks down her information from now on. She shouldn't have given you those passwords, ESPECIALLY when you have only been dating for 3 months.

[Kelemort]

First off, you really should talk to her. Tell her what you found in her inbox, and ask her why she deleted it.

 

Seriously, a background check?! A whole list of reasons directed to K about why she isn't good enough for J? Your GF has it pretty damn bad for J. It's crystal-clear to me. She is WAY too territorial for her concerns to be stemming from anything less than her own romantic feelings for this guy.

 

 

I was going to mention this too. Maybe since the relationship started, her interest in J has cooled, but it's obvious she had some kind of interest in the guy in the past. She was way too involved in their relationship and it's showing.

 

You shouldn't have invaded her privacy - but since you DID, you're seeing some of the nasty stuff your girlfriend has done and the boundaries she has overstepped in the past. Consider that as you move forward.

 

But I also think there are some insecurities in yourself that you need to address as you move forward, especially if nothing motivated you to spy on your girlfriend other than "She said it's ok, so I'm going to spy."

[tigressA]

I overlooked the part where OP mentioned those messages were from November.

 

Since you've been together for the last 3 months and those messages were recently deleted, they definitely point to her at least having had romantic feelings for J. She may not anymore, and may be ashamed of her behavior back then, so then deleted the messages. This would also explain her lying to you about what happened--not wanting to put her less-than-civilized behavior on show to the guy she's with, and have it be about a different guy, to boot.

 

Definitely talk to her though, first off. She may still have feelings for him, she may not. You have to talk to her.

[TheBigQuestion]

You never should've gone through your girlfriend's Facebook. The moment she handed you those passwords, you should've given them back to her and said, "Ok, now go home and change them, please."

 

You had no business getting into her Facebook, her e-mail or anything else of that sort. She is allowed to have her privacy. Why are you even bothered about this situation? I think you mentioned that you've never even met these people before. They play no part in your relationship. So why do you care what her relationship with them is like?

 

She probably lied to you because she felt guilty about what she had done when she ran that girl down. She probably did it in a fit of anger, then realized she had overstepped her bounds. I have to admit I've done similar things before, and I think many people have - we realize our behavior was shameful, and we don't want to admit it to more and more people who may or may not run us down for it all over again. What she lied about was relatively minor, and so far it's only one thing.

 

You are letting your imagination run wild over something that's minor. You need to confess your privacy breach now and admit what you found. You also need to tell her that she needs to change all of her passwords and you no longer want to be involved in her life online, because secure people do not need to keep tabs on all of their significant other's personal spaces. She is allowed to have her privacy, and I think that includes the Internet. You have only been dating this girl for 3 months and you are fast heading for the fire.

 

Admit your wrongs and confess what you found. See what she says. I think that her response (and she may be angry at you ) will tell you if this is a common pattern with her, or if this is a one-off thing, as I suspect it is.

 

Reading comprehension is key. I NEVER said I gave a crap about J or K. I said my concern was with the fact that she LIED to me. I'm not much concerned about what her rationalization is for why she tried to conceal what she did. She has admitted to doing things that are considered worse. We generally talk very openly about our shortcomings and moments of embarrassment or regret. In that context, there is NO reason to conceal this conversation from me unless

 

1. She lies pathologically, or

2. There's something else behind this that she's concealing.

 

As someone who is emotionally involved with her, I am entitled to knowing if either one of these is true. Unfortunately, you rarely get the whole truth about these things just by asking the person. As I've sporadically mentioned, I am admittedly obsessed with the truth. IF I've been lied to by a significant other, even if it's something that doesn't directly affect me, and I find out later, it does NOT sit well with me, nor should it. I aspire to be as truthful as I demand others to be, and so far I've done a very good job of it with her.

 

Additionally, she verbalized those passwords to me. It's not like I can unhear them.

 

And honestly, what's the rationale in respecting someone's privacy to the extent that you advocate? So I can find out 10 months instead of 3 months into a relationship that there's a pattern of lying or an elephant in the room? Please.

[SummersEve]

I wouldn't say anything to her because it seems like a "white lie," said only to not embarrass herself by exposing behavior she regretted. Probably everyone does it occasionally, there is no ill intent. I think that your bad feelings are what you deserve for snooping. That is insecure, disrespectful, and kind of creepy. If you tell her, don't be surprised if she breaks up with you for it. I think it's not a good sign that you don't see anything wrong with it. It would creep me out, truly. It's got a feel of obsessed stalker about it.

 

However, I do agree with the poster who said her interest in this other guy, and hatred of his girlfriend, seems excessive. Spying won't make any difference though. At three months, you're still getting to know each other. If she decides you're not what she's looking for or someone else is or whatever, she'll move on, nothing you secretly find out makes any difference.

Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve

[TheBigQuestion]

I wouldn't say anything to her because it seems like a "white lie," said only to not embarrass herself by exposing behavior she regretted. Probably everyone does it occasionally, there is no ill intent. I think that your bad feelings are what you deserve for snooping. That is insecure, disrespectful, and kind of creepy. If you tell her, don't be surprised if she breaks up with you for it. I think it's not a good sign that you don't see anything wrong with it. It would creep me out, truly. It's got a feel of obsessed stalker about it.

 

However, I do agree with the poster who said her interest in this other guy, and hatred of his girlfriend, seems excessive. Spying won't make any difference though. At three months, you're still getting to know each other. If she decides you're not what she's looking for or someone else is or whatever, she'll move on, nothing you secretly find out makes any difference.

 

I would agree with you that my behavior was 100% inappropriate if I had tried some underhanded means of gaining access to her facebook page and her phone. As it stands, she volunteered this information to me. Additionally, she went back and deleted ANY and ALL references to this conversation AS our conversation via text was happening. What this indicates to me is that she at the very least anticipates me reading her facebook page or would not be so angry that I did. This is a girl who has let me send text messages on her phone, has let me read texts, has let me seen pictures that she's taken, and allowed me to answer the phone on her behalf in general. She likewise has access to my phone and facebook and my computer password in general.

 

Again, I do not know what her motivation was for volunteering this information, but it's silly to accuse me of being a stalker because I read through a few facebook messages the access to which my girlfriend granted me.

[Kelemort]

Yes, but the fact is that you're concerned about lying about something which has nothing to do with you. You are concerned about a small lie that was before you were even in a relationship with her. I can read perfectly well, thank you. You say she is generally very open about everything with you, but the fact that she lied about an apparent argument has you all twisted up like this?

 

 

You have an obvious problem with respecting boundaries. Not logging into somebody's Facebook or e-mail is respecting somebody's privacy "too much?" If there is a pattern of lying, you will discover it without snooping into everything. If you find random condom wrappers around her apartment, or she's secretive about who's calling her, those are reasons to be concerned. In that context, I could almost justify logging into her accounts and going through all of her things based on those suspicions. But what you're doing is flat-out wrong.

 

 

It was a white lie, like SummersEve pointed out. It was probably something that embarrassed her. She probably realized it was stupid. And three months into a relationship, she doesn't want to tell you, "Well, I went all psycho and had some background checks ordered, then told my friend's girlfriend all of the reasons why she sucks bad." Sounds a little crazy. I think she's just trying to move beyond what she's done.

 

 

You are justifying your breaches of privacy based on what you found. But what if you hadn't found anything? Would you still think it's ok that you went through all of her things? It doesn't matter that you gave her permission. The fact is that it's her personal space.

 

 

You are making a giant mountain out of a small molehill. If she talks about this friend of hers very often, I think it's fair to ask if she's interested in him and to monitor her behavior accordingly. But if she's showering you with attention and making it clear that she is interested in you, stop questioning.

 

 

I also find it disturbing that you see nothing wrong with what you're doing. "So you can find out at 10 months instead of 3 months." So, you clearly don't trust this girl, and I think that lack of trust was there before you even started snooping through her Facebook. But beyond that, you would probably do this again in any relationship that's going well. That lack of distrust from the get-go is going to poison the relationships that you have in the future, especially when it has no basis.

[Kelemort]

Regardless, I think that now is the time for both of you to establish boundaries. If she has any access to your Facebook/e-mail/etc., it's time to change your passwords and have a discussion about this.

 

You've now found a lie. And you say that any little lies like that make you very upset. So I can guess what you're going to do from now on - log onto her Facebook as much as you can desperately searching for any evidence of lies. And if/when she discovers this, she will respond by progressively blocking you out of more and more of her life to preserve whatever privacy she has.

 

You're playing a dangerous game in your relationship. It's time to ask her to change her passwords and tell her not to volunteer that information to you in the future. I think that all couples should have their private space, but more than that, they definitely shouldn't be so enmeshed and in each other's business when they're only 3 months in.

[Mrlonelyone]

Everyone has things going on in their life that they don't trouble their SO with. This does not mean cheating, as individual and independent adults most of us take care of business without having our BF or GF involved in 80-90% of it.

 

She probably lied because like you said...you don't know either person...so she did not see any sense in getting you mixed up in it at all.

 

Personally I don't think that you should have gone through her FB either. This is afterall a day and age where people who get married often don't get joint checking, savings, or retirement accounts. They don't empower their spouse to write checks on those accounts... and they divi up the bills so they are in the name of one or the other of them. With divorce at 50% that's only being realistic.

 

So given that exchanging FB passwords should not even happen until your relationship status has said "is married to XXXXXXXX" for 10 years.

_____

Well now you know some things that you really did not need to know. What do you do now?

 

If I were you I would not mention that I went through her FB at all. It will leave her with the impression of 100% total and utter trust. This may be a little dishonest... but for the sake of your relationship you may have to keep that one under your hat.

[Kelemort]

For me personally, I find it a little strange when a married couples' lack of trust is what motivates them to keep separate accounts, separate bills, etc. It's different if it's set up that way for legal reasons, but to me planning ahead like that just seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyways -

 

Yeah, I have separate interests from my significant other. He has no idea I'm here, or on most of the sites I'm on. He doesn't have any of my passwords. I don't have any of his. And that doesn't bother me. I know he's not cheating, I know he's not interested in another girl.

 

I understand that very early on in a relationship, as you are, you're naturally insecure and uncertain about your place in the relationship. You're uncertain about the person you are dating. It's important to recognize that those insecurities are usually only within you, not something that has to do with the other person. Usually, those concerns work themselves out naturally as you grow together in the relationship and become more stable.

 

Ask her about this little lie, but confess what you've done. She may express shame or embarrassment over what she did - the fact she's removing these things is a sign it's probably humiliating to her.

 

I don't think you're a stalker or anything extreme, but I think there are obvious boundary issues here for a couple that hasn't been dating long.

[SummersEve]

>>>I will admit that I have on numerous occasions logged onto her facebook account and gone through her message inbox. As far as I know, she does not know this. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt in terms of trust, but given the assurance that she had nothing to hide, I figure I'd look around and see if I found anything disconcerting. I found some questionable things that are probably best kept to another thread, or at least to be brought up later in this thread.<<<<

 

OP, you are splitting hairs with this "but she gave me the passwords thing." You said she doesn't know you are snooping on her. You're going through all of her private business behind her back, regardless of her giving you the passwords at one time but not thinking you use them. Uh oh. Did YOU just lie?

[sally4sara]

I or my husband could get into each others FB and email at anytime.

 

We just don't. Being able doesn't mean go ahead and pour through correspondence that isn't your own.

[Kelemort]

][/b]

 

OP, you are splitting hairs with this "but she gave me the passwords thing." You said she doesn't know you are snooping on her. You're going through all of her private business behind her back, regardless of her giving you the passwords at one time but not thinking you use them. Uh oh. Did YOU just lie?

 

 

 

Hahahahaha. Exactly. Yes, she gave you the passwords, but she has no idea what he's doing. At the very least, I think common courtesy would just be, "I am going to log into your Facebook and look at x and x. Is that okay?" Ask permission first if nothing else. I mean, that's really the biggest issue - it's happening and she doesn't know about it.

[TheBigQuestion]

Kelemort, SummersEve, sally4sara, I concede that all of you make valid points. I'd be lying (see what I did thur) if I said I am not disappointed in myself to a certain extent for giving in to the availability of said accounts. I admit that I anticipated people being concerned by my own behavior. That's why I admitted at the end of the thread that, should my relationship with this girl survive, trust issues are going to have to get sorted out.

 

Still, the fact that she immediately deleted everything relating to this incident indicates to me that she anticipates me checking into her account now and then, if not assuming that I'm already doing so.

 

Unfortunately, it's time to bring out the heavy artillery. I have what I feel are legitimate reasons to be suspicious, and one suspicious incident has snowballed into me checking things multiple times which have uprooted more (arguably) questionable things.

 

My girlfriend has another male friend, L, who I found out last month (she told me without my inquiring, for those of you who think I have boundary problems that are not dependent on context) she dated for a short while around this time last year. When it did not work out, they agreed to remain friends. During the course of our initial courtship back in October/early November, this guy out of nowhere confessed his undying love for her. L is a complete scumbag. He began dating a girl afterwards whom he cheated on mercilessly. He is into the frequent use of all sorts of drugs. He even allegedly said this to my girlfriend during that time: "You'd be the one girl that I would not cheat on at all." Upon the reconciliation of their friendship, I became a tad suspicious of him, especially since they had just been dating only a few months before. In a moment of weakness, I read a text message where he talked about having just secured "really good" weed and a whole bunch of pills. Weed isn't really that big a deal to me, but the latter is. As for some background for my girlfriend. Despite her well-developed social skills, despite being highly intelligent and highly educated, she has a history of illegal drug use, including some incursions into harder drugs. She also has a history of depression, anxiety, and ADHD.We've broached the subject of drugs a few times and the general impression I have always gotten was that this was something long buried in the past. The fact that this scumbucket was offering her drugs indicates to me that they probably had a history of doing that sort of thing together. As far as I know, they did not know each other 3-4 years ago, which is the last time to my understanding she was involved with things of that nature. Is this catching her in another lie?

 

This incident set off my suspicion early on and it has unfortunately snowballed into me checking into things every now and then. I have since found the following:

1. She is in possession of a few e. pills and she's willing to sell them

2. She is trying to get L to push her excess supply of Ritalin to other people.

3. There are pictures of herself in lingerie on her phone, smiling for the camera that have never been sent to me, which are dated a month after we started officially dating. This could mean anything obviously. I'm sure plenty of women in their early 20s have pictures of themselves posing in lingerie on their phones since we live in the era of massive self-involvement and ego. Still questionable though.

 

None of this sits well with me. I have no skeletons in my closet like this. The issue of course is that by the very nature of me discovering these things, I can't just easily confront her about it.

 

You can say that I'm in the wrong for ever having snooped in the first place, but I've only kept doing it because I've continued to find more dirt after an initial moment of weakness confirmed one of my suspicions.

Edited March 30, 2011 by TheBigQuestion

[heartshaped]

Even though you found out all this information through less than ideal means, I think you should still come clean to your girlfriend and see what she has to say in response or rather, in defense of some of her actions.

 

To me, the lying is a red flag. It was over something insignificant that you didn't give two figs about and she even went as far as to delete the information so you wouldn't find out. Maybe she was embarrassed for her behavior or wanted to come off as the victim in the whole thing even though she played a part as well. Who can say? It's not really important why she lied, but that she lied about something so small and insignificant and went as far as to delete any evidence to the contrary.

 

Everyone has their different moral codes with drugs, prescription or otherwise, but it's not something I tolerate from someone I am in a relationship with. Obviously, at the very least, she is selling drugs. Is that something you are okay with?

 

The photos of her in lingerie that you've never seen is also a red flag to me. I am a woman in my early 20s and I've never taken a photo of myself in lingerie that I didn't send to a man. The only way that wouldn't have been worrying to me is if she had taken them before the two of you were not exclusive at the time, but according to you, you were.

 

I think you definitely should talk to her about all of this, but I think you should make up your mind beforehand whether or not you even wish to pursue a relationship with her knowing what you know.

[Kelemort]

I'd probably take shots of myself in lingerie and then never send it to anybody. I'd never trust anybody with pictures like that! The fact is they're on her phone, but you don't have proof they've been sent to anybody. This is a possible concern, but not a definite and I don't think I'd get too heated about it.

 

Now you're digging into some bigger stuff. This girl's got some psychiatric problems and she's big into drugs and willing to sell them. Are you really willing to go down that path? God forbid she leaves some of her stash in your car and it's the one time luck isn't on your side. Or bailing her out of the slammer when she's caught with ecstasy. It is suspicious that this guy would message her about the pills, and suspicious that you've found some of the pills. You're right - sounds like she's into the drug scene. Or maybe the ex is just out of the loop and thinks she still does it. Either way, you do have some compelling evidence.

 

In short, this girl has a lot of problems to work through. Is she in therapy or taking medication for the depression, anxiety or ADHD? If she has all of those, I can imagine it's very difficult to handle. Do you want to be this girl's baby-sitter for the rest of your life? You feel this way about her and you're only 3 months into the relationship. That doesn't bode well for the rest of it.

 

Advise her to change her passwords, stop looking for dirt, and dump her. Someone with this kind of baggage is probably just going to bring you down. And hopefully in the future, you will pick more reputable women and you won't be encouraged to look into their things.

 

It's true that she was deleting messages on Facebook. Did she delete other messages, or just those few? It could just be that she wanted rid of the messages, or who knows? Maybe J's got her password and he's logging in there too.

 

But anyways, I think you have your answer. The girl's got no qualms with being a drug dealer. Get out now before you end up in the slammer with her.

[TheBigQuestion]

Even though you found out all this information through less than ideal means, I think you should still come clean to your girlfriend and see what she has to say in response or rather, in defense of some of her actions.

 

To me, the lying is a red flag. It was over something insignificant that you didn't give two figs about and she even went as far as to delete the information so you wouldn't find out. Maybe she was embarrassed for her behavior or wanted to come off as the victim in the whole thing even though she played a part as well. Who can say? It's not really important why she lied, but that she lied about something so small and insignificant and went as far as to delete any evidence to the contrary.

 

Everyone has their different moral codes with drugs, prescription or otherwise, but it's not something I tolerate from someone I am in a relationship with. Obviously, at the very least, she is selling drugs. Is that something you are okay with?

 

The photos of her in lingerie that you've never seen is also a red flag to me. I am a woman in my early 20s and I've never taken a photo of myself in lingerie that I didn't send to a man. The only way that wouldn't have been worrying to me is if she had taken them before the two of you were not exclusive at the time, but according to you, you were.

 

I think you definitely should talk to her about all of this, but I think you should make up your mind beforehand whether or not you even wish to pursue a relationship with her knowing what you know.

 

You know, I now regret opening with the post that I did, because I recognize that this is a pattern rather than an isolated incident. The first post just made me look like I was massively overreacting because I did not provide any context. That's what I get for being in between classes and sleep deprived.

 

I'm glad you sympathize with me despite my own shortcomings. I've made it a goal to set stricter boundaries for myself and have even broached the subject with a therapist I usually see for other reasons (academic, organizational). I may need to make it a central point of what we discuss.

 

This honestly hurts me because I almost feel like a break-up is inevitable if I admit all my own wrongdoing. That's not what I want to do, but more people here than not seem to encourage me to talk this whole thing out, whatever the consequences, because the consequences may ultimately be for the better.

 

** To my girlfriend's credit, she didn't seem receptive to the idea of doing any drugs with L.

Edited March 30, 2011 by TheBigQuestion

[TheBigQuestion]

I'd probably take shots of myself in lingerie and then never send it to anybody. I'd never trust anybody with pictures like that! The fact is they're on her phone, but you don't have proof they've been sent to anybody. This is a possible concern, but not a definite and I don't think I'd get too heated about it.

 

Now you're digging into some bigger stuff. This girl's got some psychiatric problems and she's big into drugs and willing to sell them. Are you really willing to go down that path? God forbid she leaves some of her stash in your car and it's the one time luck isn't on your side. Or bailing her out of the slammer when she's caught with ecstasy. It is suspicious that this guy would message her about the pills, and suspicious that you've found some of the pills. You're right - sounds like she's into the drug scene. Or maybe the ex is just out of the loop and thinks she still does it. Either way, you do have some compelling evidence.

 

In short, this girl has a lot of problems to work through. Is she in therapy or taking medication for the depression, anxiety or ADHD? If she has all of those, I can imagine it's very difficult to handle. Do you want to be this girl's baby-sitter for the rest of your life? You feel this way about her and you're only 3 months into the relationship. That doesn't bode well for the rest of it.

 

Advise her to change her passwords, stop looking for dirt, and dump her. Someone with this kind of baggage is probably just going to bring you down. And hopefully in the future, you will pick more reputable women and you won't be encouraged to look into their things.

 

It's true that she was deleting messages on Facebook. Did she delete other messages, or just those few? It could just be that she wanted rid of the messages, or who knows? Maybe J's got her password and he's logging in there too.

 

But anyways, I think you have your answer. The girl's got no qualms with being a drug dealer. Get out now before you end up in the slammer with her.

 

She is the daughter of a retired police officer who was shot in the line of duty and is pretty high-up in multiple police organizations. She carries a PBA gold card. She will never get more than a speeding ticket in her life (actually, she's never even gotten one of those), provided she doesn't start committing violent crimes.

[kalikula]

To me it sounds like you guys aren't gonna make it.

 

You don't trust her, snooped in all her stuff. She wasn't honest with you about certain things and that she's still into the drug scene. I think those are both difficult to forgive and move on from, especially considering your feelings about her drugs and most likely her feelings about you snooping through all her stuff. What is left of a healthy relationship?

[TheBigQuestion]

To me it sounds like you guys aren't gonna make it.

 

You don't trust her, snooped in all her stuff. She wasn't honest with you about certain things and that she's still into the drug scene. I think those are both difficult to forgive and move on from, especially considering your feelings about her drugs and most likely her feelings about you snooping through all her stuff. What is left of a healthy relationship?

 

You make good points. I'm not much of a moral absolutist when it comes to drug use. If it's a truly recreational thing, barring a select few substances, it makes me uneasy at the very worst. Having gone to a huge university I encountered many different attitudes towards drugs and many different kinds of drug users, so that in itself isn't the issue. To me, the fact that she is keeping things from me is what bothers me. Things that she hasn't discussed with me to any degree. I feel like being in possession of something like ecstacy is something I'd be entitled to know about, especially considering the possible legal ramifications. Distributing Ritalin without prescriptions and without a pharmaceutical license is probably pretty illegal too. These might not be absolute dealbreakers for me, but the shady nature in which she's conducting herself just makes me more suspicious.

 

I really feel like the only way to make this work long term would be for us to establish very strict boundaries but also to make an honest, good faith effort to not keep things from each other. I genuinely have nothing to hide. She only claims she has nothing to hide. I believe that I can get over my suspicion when provided adequate proof that what she says is truthful.

[OldSkool]

Two words: Control Freak!

 

Stop trying to change things to suit you. Why don't you try to change your attitude towards your breach of her privacy?

[TheBigQuestion]

Two words: Control Freak!

 

Stop trying to change things to suit you. Why don't you try to change your attitude towards your breach of her privacy?

 

See every post I've written on page 2 of this thread so far. I am trying to change in the sense that I want to try to understand that just because boundaries can be crossed does not mean they NEED to be crossed. My thirst for knowing the truth and an arguably excessive desire to not be deceived are what drives me to behave in this way, not a need to control anyone. If I was controlling, I would have made all sorts of demands of my girlfriend and would have tried to impose limitations on what she can do/who she can see by now. I have no desire to do either. If I do end up talking to her about this, if she does not voluntarily agree to be more straightforward and accountable, I will not demand it. I will simply leave.

 

None of my own shortcomings will negate or overshadow what I've discovered.