TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Today the negative thoughts are pretty strong. I was feeling better last night and now I feel back where I started. The thoughts of what will I do Saturday night? Who will I eat breakfast with Sunday morning? Does he miss calling me every night? Who will tell me I look pretty when I get dressed up? Who will go with me to walk my dog? Will someone else be able to make me laugh like he does? I'm really struggling with all these thoughts. I feel like I won't find someone like him, someone that treated me like a lady, took care of me when I was sick, taught me how to cook a new meal... I feel like I have nothing to look for to. I don't want to clean my place, or even eat. I look like a zombie.I'm 32 years old and I have felt this badly over a man in my life. I was moving my life to be with him. I gave up my current apartment, to move in with him to a new city in a condo. Now I have to move and find another apt in my current state. I had several job prospects where we were going to live..all of these plans and looking forward to new beginnings together are gone! He is still moving to that condo he planned to share with me. I can't imagine that he won't think of me when he walks through that door? How can it be that easy for him to just pick up without me esp someplace we planned to live together? I just want to keep telling him how he broke me. My whole life is upside because of him. I was ready to move and go to a new place to be together and than he just walks away 2 weeks prior. I can't just go back to my old life! I have to start over - literally! Have to move, look for a new job around here, and try to forget how much I love and miss him..its just too much for me right now. Edited March 30, 2011 by TryingtoUnderstand32
Empath Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Hello Trying, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I was there a couple of weeks ago, but I'm feeling quite a bit better now. You are right, it is too much for you right now. What I feel was the turning point for me was the painful process of relinquishing control over things we have no power over. You say he no longer thinks of you? Perhaps he does, perhaps he doesn't. In my limited experience however, chances are he does. The point is, you can't possibly know. Surrender that control and you will begin to heal. The way I achieved this was by communicating my desire to refrain from further contact (NC). In doing so I made a decision for myself, by myself and it was enough for me to feel that despite being the dumpee, I was again in a position of power. Having said that, closure is something that comes from within, and you should be easy on yourself while the idea ferments. Remind yourself you have more power than you think. You are ultimately the executioner or savior of your own feelings. Despite the gloom and feelings of having lost something irreplaceable, I'm sure that deep inside you know that there is a future for you that will undoubtedly exceed this one. Making this transition, from past to future, is simpler than you think. Begin by merely saying things to yourself about what you want for yourself, whether you believe them or not. Amazingly, you will eventually bridge your heart and mind this way by disciplining it. Take comfort that this subconscious change is already working (as I write this) and let it slowly run its course. You are "riding the wave" and you are not alone. I was stuck in this hell for weeks, but it will melt. For now, hang on. Edited March 30, 2011 by Empath
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Fight the demons, you can do it, use spell, use sword, use arrows, use whatever to fight these nasty demons. "The thoughts of what will I do Saturday night? Who will I eat breakfast with Sunday morning? Does he miss calling me every night? Who will tell me I look pretty when I get dressed up? Who will go with me to walk my dog? Will someone else be able to make me laugh like he does?" Why not think of, let's have a wonderful breakfast meal with my colleagues, friends, family. I miss calling my friends. Look into the mirror after you dress up and say, gosh I still look so stunning. Let's catch a comedy drama or movie with friends, I miss laughing. Think of positive things to make you happy "I'm really struggling with all these thoughts. I feel like I won't find someone like him, someone that treated me like a lady, took care of me when I was sick, taught me how to cook a new meal..." You won't find someone like him and be glad that you don't find someone like him because you wouldn't want history to be repeated to make you feel hurt and being low. He used to treat you like a lady, took care of you when you were sick, taught you how to cook a new meal. These were all very sweet actions and moments. These moments were no longer representing today. If you are truly happy with him, you will be saying, "My bf treats me like a lady, takes care of me when I am sick and teaches me how to cook a new meal. "I feel like I have nothing to look for to. I don't want to clean my place, or even eat. I look like a zombie.I'm 32 years old and I have felt this badly over a man in my life." Sweet, it's okay to be lazy 32 years is still young, trust me and it's still young to start a brand new life seeking for happiness. True happiness has to come from yourself first. "I was moving my life to be with him. I gave up my current apartment, to move in with him to a new city in a condo. Now I have to move and find another apt in my current state. I had several job prospects where we were going to live..all of these plans and looking forward to new beginnings together are gone!" You had done more than enough for him. It's really time for now to think for yourself. Take the moving away, finding a new apartment in your current state as a fresh start. The times you had with him were over, however the wonderful beautiful plans you have for yourself is starting, look forward to it Because every time a door closes, another door opens for you. "He is still moving to that condo he planned to share with me. I can't imagine that he won't think of me when he walks through that door? How can it be that easy for him to just pick up without me esp someplace we planned to live together?" This is him, now you see him truly that he doesn't value what both of you had gone through in this relationship. Be happy you see this side of him earlier, than to move in together with him and start to see that he's actually not that committed in this relationship. "just want to keep telling him how he broke me. My whole life is upside because of him. I was ready to move and go to a new place to be together and than he just walks away 2 weeks prior. I can't just go back to my old life! I have to start over - literally! Have to move, look for a new job around here, and try to forget how much I love and miss him..its just too much for me right now." By really telling him how he broke him, it is only going to make you feel more terrible. Your whole life is not being upside (upset?) because of him. As long as you beat yourself to it, you will be the one upsetting your own life. You will be happy to start over in your life, than to start negative in your life with him. I was supposed to get engaged this end of year with my ex bf with our engagement rings bought and promised each other to stick through. However, he walked out of me without fulfilling his promise. I was super upset in the beginning, but now I can't stop feeling happy I'm not engaged with him. I can't imagine if he can treat me like this now, how about when we got married? Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I really want to email him and say thanks for destroying me.
JasonRules Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I really want to email him and say thanks for destroying me. Why? How long will you continue to lower and humiliate yourself for? He didn't destroy you, but you are definitely destroying yourself.
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Don't send the e-mail. Tell yourself this, "You are making me stronger." You may wish to listen to Christina Aguilera's song - Fighter.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Why? How long will you continue to lower and humiliate yourself for? He didn't destroy you, but you are definitely destroying yourself. Yes he did.
JasonRules Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Yes he did. Correction: You allowed him to destroy you. You relinquished all power and control over you to another person. It's time to regain a sense of SELF during this healing process. The world is a cruel place and you have to learn to stand up on your two feet when something knocks you down. You have two choices; you can either stay on the floor and cry or slowly pick yourself up and start living your life. The man who will love you, respect you, and care for you is out there. Stop wasting your time on someone that isn't worth your affection and go out and find the man who's also looking for you.
optimistgirl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Today the negative thoughts are pretty strong. I was feeling better last night and now I feel back where I started. . Hey there Trying, You are going to experience many ups & downs in the upcoming weeks and it's completely normal. We've all either been there or are going through the same thing as you right now. I was in a bad place like you less than two weeks ago, and I'm not out of the woods yet. The day after the breakup, my daughter says to me, "You look reallllllllly tired." The fact that I had cried the whole day of the breakup and couldn't sleep the night of, I woke up with big, dark circles around my eyes. I must have looked like a raccoon!! Scary!! Anyway, I share that with you to say that you're not alone, just keep going... Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes to broken hearts. I'm really struggling with all these thoughts. I feel like I won't find someone like him, someone that treated me like a lady, took care of me when I was sick, taught me how to cook a new meal... I feel like I have nothing to look for to. I don't want to clean my place, or even eat. I look like a zombie.I'm 32 years old and I have felt this badly over a man in my life. Try writing down some positive things about YOU. Even if you can only manage to get a few things down in the beginning, it will help you to start building up your self-confidence again. Keep adding to the list as you start to heal and become WHOLE again. I found this quote in book I'm reading...perhaps it might have meaning for you as it does for me...of course, I am an analyzer. It's a quote from Rainer Marie Rilke, a poet: Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, for they could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live you way into the answer. It is a journey...just listen to lessons it's trying to teach you. *Hugs* Optimistgirl --------------------------- "If you're going through hell, keep going" Winston Churchill
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Don't send the e-mail. Tell yourself this, "You are making me stronger." You may wish to listen to Christina Aguilera's song - Fighter. Thanks Fufu I didn't sent it. I was thisclose though.
JasonRules Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks Fufu I didn't sent it. I was thisclose though. Do not send any texts, emails, or call him. Instead, keep an online journal and write down what you would have sent to him so you can get it off your chest or you can post here for support.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Hello Trying, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I was there a couple of weeks ago, but I'm feeling quite a bit better now. You say he no longer thinks of you? Perhaps he does, perhaps he doesn't. In my limited experience however, chances are he does. The point is, you can't possibly know. Surrender that control and you will begin to heal. The way I achieved this was by communicating my desire to refrain from further contact (NC). In doing so I made a decision for myself, by myself and it was enough for me to feel that despite being the dumpee, I was again in a position of power. Having said that, closure is something that comes from within, and you should be easy on yourself while the idea ferments. Despite the gloom and feelings of having lost something irreplaceable, I'm sure that deep inside you know that there is a future for you that will undoubtedly exceed this one. Making this transition, from past to future, is simpler than you think. You are "riding the wave" and you are not alone. I was stuck in this hell for weeks, but it will melt. For now, hang on. I just keep telling myself "if he thought about me" he would call. Its so ridiculous. I'm so ridiculous. The part that makes it worse he was irreplaceable. I have never met someone like him before. I just can't go back to dating since he will make them look like nothing in comparison. He was so good to me. I never knew something like that before. I feel like I waited my whole life for him and now hes gone.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Do not send any texts, emails, or call him. Instead, keep an online journal and write down what you would have sent to him so you can get it off your chest or you can post here for support. Thanks I prob will have to post here. I think my friends and family are getting sick of hearing it.
Thatguyintx Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 {Slap!} Did that get your attention? Good! You are allowed to crawl into the self-pity "pit of despair" for only a short time today. There is work to do here. You have given up your own identity as a single person. You need to find who you are, whether you are with a man or not. What do you like to do? What are your passions? Dont have any? Get some! I bought a motorcycle when I first divorced. Greatest thing I could have done at that time. I had given up motorcycling when I was married. That became my passion and escape. You WILL heal. You will be more than whole again. Now get to it!
Feelingthechill Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 It is not easy, I understand. Two months ago my gf broke up with me quite suddenly as I was about to propose. Her explanations over the course of the next month just confused me (I don't love you...no I do love you...I have doubts about you...no, you're perfect...I have problems I need to address...etc etc). We haven't spoken in over a month--and in parting we said we would meet up in three months--which gave me hope then, but last week I sent her an email just letting her know I am ok and wishing her the best, but she didn't respond. So I am pushing forward in life with the understanding that everything is kaput. I completely understand the staying up all night and wondering what the heck happened, and how did life change so quickly. I don't really have any answers other than it has to get better, it just has to do so...keep telling yourself that, and surround yourself with friends and family. Keeping busy isn't easy, but you don't have a choice. Please accept my best wishes.
muzik_lvr Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32-This is my first post here on the LS board, though I've been reading posts for a little bit now. I read about your current situation in your other thread as well as this one, and I just want to encourage you that it will get better with time! Trust me (and everyone else). You are still very early in your breakup and I know the pain is incredibly intense right now. My ex-gf (who I had bought a ring for and was planning to propose to) broke up with me out of nowhere about 3 months ago. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine, so I can relate. I was in incredible pain for the first few weeks and thought the situation was hopeless, but as the weeks went by the pain got less and less. Like someone else said, I am not out of the woods completely, but I am in a much better place than before. I know the pain is extremely intense right now, but I would suggest doing what everyone is saying. Definitely NC, try to force yourself not to think of him (as much as possible), find things you are passionate about, hang out with family/friends, etc. It will get better.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32-This is my first post here on the LS board, though I've been reading posts for a little bit now. I read about your current situation in your other thread as well as this one, and I just want to encourage you that it will get better with time! Trust me (and everyone else). You are still very early in your breakup and I know the pain is incredibly intense right now. My ex-gf (who I had bought a ring for and was planning to propose to) broke up with me out of nowhere about 3 months ago. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine, so I can relate. I was in incredible pain for the first few weeks and thought the situation was hopeless, but as the weeks went by the pain got less and less. Like someone else said, I am not out of the woods completely, but I am in a much better place than before. I know the pain is extremely intense right now, but I would suggest doing what everyone is saying. Definitely NC, try to force yourself not to think of him (as much as possible), find things you are passionate about, hang out with family/friends, etc. It will get better. Thanks for the wise words. I have my ups and downs during the last few days. I'm usually most upset in the am and late pm. Middle of the day is easier. Today I did what I didn't wanna do but I did it anyway. I was worried I may be pregnant and ex knew of this. So I took a test. Came out negative. I told him I would keep him informed. So I texted him and told him and than I said some more stuff that I shouldn't have. Referring to his email about doing better and feeling like I was someone just to occupy his time for the time we were together, blah blah. DUMB I know.. but too late. I didn't expect a response. I than took his number out of my phone so I couldn't do it again.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 It is not easy, I understand. Two months ago my gf broke up with me quite suddenly as I was about to propose. Her explanations over the course of the next month just confused me (I don't love you...no I do love you...I have doubts about you...no, you're perfect...I have problems I need to address...etc etc). We haven't spoken in over a month--and in parting we said we would meet up in three months--which gave me hope then, but last week I sent her an email just letting her know I am ok and wishing her the best, but she didn't respond. So I am pushing forward in life with the understanding that everything is kaput. I completely understand the staying up all night and wondering what the heck happened, and how did life change so quickly. I don't really have any answers other than it has to get better, it just has to do so...keep telling yourself that, and surround yourself with friends and family. Keeping busy isn't easy, but you don't have a choice. Please accept my best wishes. I'm sorry you are feeling pain too! It really feels lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. You just get so used to that person being there and than they are gone.
muzik_lvr Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for the wise words. I have my ups and downs during the last few days. I'm usually most upset in the am and late pm. Middle of the day is easier. Today I did what I didn't wanna do but I did it anyway. I was worried I may be pregnant and ex knew of this. So I took a test. Came out negative. I told him I would keep him informed. So I texted him and told him and than I said some more stuff that I shouldn't have. Referring to his email about doing better and feeling like I was someone just to occupy his time for the time we were together, blah blah. DUMB I know.. but too late. I didn't expect a response. I than took his number out of my phone so I couldn't do it again. I understand. I made the same mistakes with my ex-gf in the first couple weeks after she broke up with me. I sent her a number of texts and emails only for her not to respond to any of them. Every time I reached out to her, it just made it all the more painful when she would not respond, so I had to learn to just let it go and truly do the NC thing (which I should have started off doing from the jump). That is okay that you slipped up and texted him. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just move on from here and be committed to NC from here on out.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 I understand. I made the same mistakes with my ex-gf in the first couple weeks after she broke up with me. I sent her a number of texts and emails only for her not to respond to any of them. Every time I reached out to her, it just made it all the more painful when she would not respond, so I had to learn to just let it go and truly do the NC thing (which I should have started off doing from the jump). That is okay that you slipped up and texted him. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just move on from here and be committed to NC from here on out. I just feel like I didn't know him at all. All the time we spent together, We took trips! He stayed at my place for 2 weeks straight, a few weeks back. I just floored how this all happened. That last day was like looking into the eyes of a stranger, gave me the willies..
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32: If we look at ourselves, sometimes we don't even know ourselves well too. When I was recovering, I thought back the times when my ex bf treated me so well, so sweet, so caring, it felt like paradise. However, whenever I snapped out of the fantasy thoughts, I realize I am not feeling I'm in paradise. Sometimes reality may not be what we want and dream of, but I always believe whenever something bad happens, wonderful things/moments are coming up in your life. Have this positive outlook of your life and it will always get better. ) You may not know and realize this yourself, everyday you become stronger, everyday you walk out of the unhappy moments and reach out to more happy moments.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32: If we look at ourselves, sometimes we don't even know ourselves well too. When I was recovering, I thought back the times when my ex bf treated me so well, so sweet, so caring, it felt like paradise. However, whenever I snapped out of the fantasy thoughts, I realize I am not feeling I'm in paradise. Sometimes reality may not be what we want and dream of, but I always believe whenever something bad happens, wonderful things/moments are coming up in your life. Have this positive outlook of your life and it will always get better. ) You may not know and realize this yourself, everyday you become stronger, everyday you walk out of the unhappy moments and reach out to more happy moments. Fufu I love your posts. very sweet and uplifting. if i may ask where did you grow up?
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32: Thanks sweet I grew up in Singapore. Are you from DC Washington? A very beautiful country, will love to travel there one day.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 TryingtoUnderstand32: Thanks sweet I grew up in Singapore. Are you from DC Washington? A very beautiful country, will love to travel there one day. I just put that in case my ex ever saw this..lol No I'm from Boston, Massachusetts.
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 That's interesting, I have not been to Boston too, i miss traveling.
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