RayD Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 So this is my first posting...this site has been helping me a lot lately and I can only pass thanks to this group for expanding my mind. So here it is. My gf of 4 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. Our situation is quite unique I think (in this day and age, explanation below) but the reason for the break up was that because she didn't see a future with us. Here's the thing...as ancient and backwards as it is. She is Chinese and I'm Asain...and because of our family cultures, religious and racial divide, she didn't think we could ever work. I'm a Muslim boy too but not really practising and would never ask her to convert or anything...but she still saw that as an obstacle. Our families kinda knew that we were seeing each other but we never openly said anything, but we had a very close circle of friends and knew each others siblings. We started out as friends then one day we got together and pursued a relationship. We were strong, our personalities were different but we worked so well and would always get compliments from our friends who said we make a good couple etc. We travelled to different parts of the world together, I helped her through uni and finding a job and we supported each other, without smothering or being clingy. The job I helped her get involves a lot of travel, and her colleagues are total party animals. On one of her trips I joined her in and we came back home as a stronger couple than ever before. Then after our 4th anniversary, she went off again for a 2 week business trip. During that time she did some thinking about us, and I didnt see her again for 3 weeks. When we finally got together, she told me that she'd been thinking about our future and how it wouldn't work because of our backgrounds. I said that we could make it work, we just have to work for it, but she said she does too but doesn't want to battle for it. We talked all night and she said she might break up with me but wanted to think about it...so we went on a break for a month with NC. I thought it best to let her think about it and maybe she will miss me. It works both ways though, she might end up realising she doesn't miss me and just confirm to her that she can move on. Time passed and we only texted each other happy birthday. 6 weeks later we met up, and she had already made her mind up. She wanted to break up because she still didn't see a future. I asked her what if none of our family and religious beliefs was an issue, and she said she still didn't see it and had been holding back these years. I was giving it 100%, I love her so gave it my all. She held back so does that mean she doesn't love me anymore, had fallen out interest with me and was using the family thing as an excuse? I'm still baffled here as to how she could discard me from her life so quickly like that.... We want to be friends but I don't think I can be...I want her back and will do anything I can. I said to her that my family know all about her and that I'm not to bothered, at the end of the day its my happiness at stake here and I want her to be a part of my life. 2 months after the break up I asked if she wanted to meet up and see where we were at....whether to pursue being distant friends of call it off completely (as in NC ever again). But she said she thinks its too soon, she wasn't comfortable and that us talking might make things worse. I can't stop thinking about her and after being made redundant at work I really am feeling lonley and totally depressed. What do I do...we've been texting each other a little the last couple of days as I hear she's stressed at work...but other than that we really have had no contact. Thoughts? I don't want to be just friends with her (sorry for the length)
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 "My gf of 4 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. Our situation is quite unique I think (in this day and age, explanation below) but the reason for the break up was that because she didn't see a future with us." 4 years is long, however don't let the number of years stop you from seeing the reality. You have to let her go because she had told you she can't see any future being with you. I know it hurts, because my ex bf said this to me tons of times. Start NC and begin your healing journey. You may find it very difficult to let go, however, you wouldn't want to put yourself in the PAST and unable to move forward. Just for example, if you drive. Do you drive forward or drive in reverse gear? (Excluding parking, that's a different story)
Author RayD Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 NC is really hard to stick to. I've tried and failed at times. NC was pretty much there from the start...only texted her a birthday message. But things got complicated when we almost bumped into each other at a bar on a night out, but narrowly managed to avoid it as our friends on each side knew and kept us apart. I couldn't help but message her and say it would have been nice to say hello. She replied saying its too soon to see each other, that she's uncomfortable and that it may make things worse. A few weeks passed, and be it fate but the next time I went out, I ACTUALLY bumped into her. We didn't say much, just hi and bye (I was pretty hammered, so hopefully gave the impression that I didn't really care). We texted briefly for the next couple of days but I think now I will definately stick with NC.
Fufu Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 NC is not hard to stick with, the reason why at times dumpees (even myself in the past) failed to maintain NC because we lack of strict discipline to ourselves, we give in to our own created urge and temptation too easily. Stick to NC and even if you bump into her, don't even say hi to her. Don't. because this is a form of initiating contact. I know to some it seems rude and cruel and mean, however, once you do that, you break NC and you start to feel bad and sad and depressed all over again.
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