OhioLaw1987 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 For anyone who has read my rather long previous post, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271139/, I am still finding the entire situation difficult when I encounter her at school. We have not spoken in a month, or even acknowledged one another. I get unsettled every time I see her, because she seems absolutely fine. It makes me feel irrelevant, as though the time we spent together was not significant to her whatsoever. I hate that feeling, because I worked so hard and did so much for her. The worst part of it all is that she flat out told me, from day one, that this was possible; that she would do this. She said "I often push away those that I love the most." She then asked me to promise her to not give up on her and that I would be able to handle being with someone with her issues. Now she claims that I broke that promise, and that I actually have left her in a worse place than anyone before (keep in mind, this girl has legitimately been raped in her life, and has an abusive alcoholic father). Does she not realize that with her litany of psychiatric and emotional baggage she is going to be hard pressed to find someone who will get it "right" (at least in her eyes) the first time? It will take time for one to learn how to cope with her. She just doesnt see the reality, at least the reality that I see. Thoughts?
lapse Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Have you taken some time to read a bit about BPD? Being the Other in a BPD's life is not for the sensitive, or those who take their SO's actions to heart. You might want to get some additional support (a la understanding) here: http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/ BPD breakups have their own classic patterns that are unique. I just noticed I had misread your other post - that your partner was not a Borderliner, but it still may help. There are overlaps. It sounds to me like you made a promise that you could only keep at your peril. And there's no way to know that going in. I hope you gain some comfort and understanding. If it starts to feel like more than you can handle, please consider talking to your doctor who may be able to prescribe some short-term medications and/or counseling to help. There's nothing wrong with getting some help through this.
Empath Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Now she claims that I broke that promise, and that I actually have left her in a worse place than anyone before I've had the same thing happen to me after I went NC. By the time it happened however. I felt like laughing at her. Given the circumstances I feel that blaming you is a way for her to rationalize her own guilt. But it won't last. You haven't heard the end from her -- I guarantee it. Bear this in mind: Some promises cannot be kept, nor accepted. Time apart changes people. Time apart is not a one-way street. What irks me is the fact that she expects you to comb her hair while shes driving the car. But while you obviously care and feel something for her you sum it up yourself with: . Does she not realize that with her litany of psychiatric and emotional baggage she is going to be hard pressed to find someone who will get it "right" (at least in her eyes) the first time? You are not responsible for her feelings of loss and disappointment. Especially given the break. You are only responsible for yourself. The day this dawns on her, if ever, you can expect a deluge of contact. But it may never happen. Frankly, as the saying goes: Her egos cashing cheques her mind can't cash. And it will catch up with her!
Author OhioLaw1987 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Lapse, she is bipolar I and has Borderline Personality disorder. All of this is exacerbated by having a very difficult and traumatic life, as well as a propensity for alcohol abuse. Just to clarify. Thanks!
Author OhioLaw1987 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 In addition, she is the one who instituted NC, after i had tried in the past to no avail. Of course, when she then wants NC, should I violate that then I deserve to be executed in the public square; nevermind that she has done that routinely. I tried the best I could to do what was right and support her. How much can one person take?
lapse Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I am still finding the entire situation difficult when I encounter her at school. We have not spoken in a month, or even acknowledged one another. I get unsettled every time I see her, because she seems absolutely fine. It makes me feel irrelevant, as though the time we spent together was not significant to her whatsoever.Are you bothered because you think you shouldn't feel this way? *Of course* it bothers you and it hurts. What would knowing that she's really not 'absolutely fine' do to help you? Would it give you validation? Or a reason to call her? I think you're in the toughest phase of a breakup (as many of us are). You're still thinking about her a lot more than you're thinking about yourself - your life, your work, your goals and dreams (or only thinking of yourself with a dark smudge where you think they oughta be). We all go through that - the constant thoughts of them, what they're doing and how they're doing it, etc. And then slowly, you start seeping back into yourself. And hold out for it. Because *YOU* rock your socks off. It's depressing being possessed, isn't it?
Beeotch Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 For anyone who has read my rather long previous post, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271139/, I am still finding the entire situation difficult when I encounter her at school. We have not spoken in a month, or even acknowledged one another. I get unsettled every time I see her, because she seems absolutely fine. It makes me feel irrelevant, as though the time we spent together was not significant to her whatsoever. I hate that feeling, because I worked so hard and did so much for her. The worst part of it all is that she flat out told me, from day one, that this was possible; that she would do this. She said "I often push away those that I love the most." She then asked me to promise her to not give up on her and that I would be able to handle being with someone with her issues. Now she claims that I broke that promise, and that I actually have left her in a worse place than anyone before (keep in mind, this girl has legitimately been raped in her life, and has an abusive alcoholic father). Does she not realize that with her litany of psychiatric and emotional baggage she is going to be hard pressed to find someone who will get it "right" (at least in her eyes) the first time? It will take time for one to learn how to cope with her. She just doesnt see the reality, at least the reality that I see. Thoughts? When dealing with someone with severe issues....rule number 1 is to realize that their issues are their issues and you can NEVER take on guilt for it. People with emotional issues often are unknowingly manipulative, sometimes narcissistic and often will lead you through guilt trips that you gladly accept because you love them. When dealing with someone with issues...it is often tempting to try to rescue and protect this person but as you probably have realized, it is TIRING! And most often you NEVER fix them, heal them or anything and it just ends up being stressful on you and the relationship ultimately dissolves anyway. Sad as it is, the truth is, one cannot have a healthy, EQUAL, fulfilling relationship with someone who has several unresolved issues. No matter how much you love them or your intentions....that person truly has to seek the help and support they need to get to a place to be able to sustain that kind of bond. It is a bad deal...I do feel bad that things she couldn't control lead her to that place....it's not fair...but now that she is in that place, she has to overcome being a victim and work on healing. Nobody else, not even a therapist can transform her unless she has that resolve. I do also agree that not everyone is cut out to deal with someone like that in a romantic relationship....and if you are such a person, there is no need to feel bad. It would suit both of you better to be in a more compatible arrangement. I understand your feelings cause my ex had his fair share of issues...and I wanted to "help him heal" and be together, and he did all this stuff to hurt me...but at the end of the day, it was sad because I realized that no matter what he ever did to me, he was hurting WORST. No matter how much he pretended to not care, it was always apparent that it was fake and I realize that I will be able to move on from the relationship to better things whereas he may be stuck in that cycle forever no matter who he dates. So when I realized that truth, I actually felt bad and wished him the best to overcoming his issues and finding fulfillment instead of internalizing his behavior as something relating to me.
Thatguyintx Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Amen to Beeotch's post. I was worn down with my ex's "issues" and then somehow the situation was always turned around to me failing her. Get me off this never-ending roller coaster, I was always thinking. Then I did something about it. And it hurt. But now, it's getting better. My ex has moved on to the next victim very quickly. The issues have not been fixed, they have merely been transferred to a new man. Good luck to him! He'll need it.
Beeotch Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Amen to Beeotch's post. I was worn down with my ex's "issues" and then somehow the situation was always turned around to me failing her. Get me off this never-ending roller coaster, I was always thinking. Then I did something about it. And it hurt. But now, it's getting better. My ex has moved on to the next victim very quickly. The issues have not been fixed, they have merely been transferred to a new man. Good luck to him! He'll need it. Yes that's usually what happens
Author OhioLaw1987 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 When I think about it, and try to reflect, I just cannot understand why I was so good for her, AND THEN so bad for her, in her eyes, at the drop of a hat. She yo-yoed me for a month and a half, and then when I pushed to grasp and understand what on Earth was going on, she just withdrew and said "I will never come back, because we cannot have a healthy relationship." Thus, I don't think she is ever going to speak to me again. Truly. She has clearly found her new source of fulfillment in some capacity elsewhere. I don't want to be a caretaker, but I truly love her. I feel as though she loved me for doing, not for who I actually am. She just has cast me aside. I can handle her issues; that's not the problem. What I cannot handle is a person who refuses to even try to work on things. Refuses to understand that by having the relationship we had, it was no longer just her feelings and well being that was implicated by her actions and refusal to stick to her treatment. Is that selfish? I would stand by her endlessly, but only if she let's me. She admitted she never truly gave she and I a fair chance. Was I nothing more than a place holder?
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