bitteorca Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Hi guys, I'll be here forever if I write the whole story, so I'm going to try my best to summarise The girl I'm with has been messaging another guy on facebook. Here are the main points: He tried to kiss her at a party about a month ago. She told him she was with me, and then he apologised, and the rest of the night they were normal with each other. He's a friend of her group of friends. So a minor friend. But he's definitely not just one of her normal guy friends. She has said she doesn't fancy him or anything, there is no attraction there. But she thinks he is a nice guy, and they get on. The messages (what she says anyway) have been sporadic, and aren't comparable to how she messages me (continuously throughout the day, about nothingness...you get the idea). Although she did say it would be topical (about a birthday arrangements, etc) but would then turn into being just general chat with him. She says she really wants to be with me (she mentioned loving me without actually saying it...too long of a story to get in to!) and I actually genuinely believe her about this. Its not that I think she would cheat on me, the issue is whether I find this behaviour appropriate Also, another thing that I learned recently is that she was messaging another guy who she actually has a past with. At the time, I thought they'd just kissed and then nothing actually happened. But I was still p*ssed about her messaging him. I learned last night that she had slept with this guy, that it was nothing, and it shouldn't have happened, but it did. It just made me think even more why she was messaging him. However, he asked her to meet up sometime, and she did say to him that she was with me and didn't want to (again, all of this is what she has said to me, I have no idea what was actually said). But I just don't get why she would be in that situation to be asked in the first place Am I over-reacting here? I'm not sure its about jealousy either. I wouldn't care whether it was Brad Bitt or the elephant man, its just the fact that she's doing something that I find inappropriate. When asked, she says she understands why I'm upset about it, but I'm not sure she really understands, or she would have stopped the first time it happened. I think that she means no harm by doing it, but she just doesn't realise how much danger she is putting our relationship in. I don't think she's evil/a slut/a flirt or anything, I just think that she can cross the line with friendliness when guys are concerned. and not just any guys, I'm not a psycho controlling freak, its a guy she has a past with and a guy who tried to kiss her. Another issue I'm struggling with is the amount of people she has slept with. Its quite a lot for her age (she is younger than me). Half of me says that it shouldn't matter and its about how she acts now with me, but half of it just truly cant be removed from my head. Again, I don't think this is about jealousy, more about the idea that I hate feeling that my girl is not so special, and she is easy, etc. Basically, I'm struggling with my thoughts at the moment so help would be appreciated Edited March 30, 2011 by bitteorca
Andy_K Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Tell her she can talk to and be friends with any guy who says 'no' if she offers to show them her boobs.
Kelemort Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You think she's easy, yet you're still going out with her? If you can't respect the decisions she's made, this is going to carry over into your other interactions with her and it's going to poison the relationship. It sounds possibly like you have some sexual envy. But besides that, what it really comes down to is: if you can't accept her sexual history, move on and find somene else whose history agrees with you better. But that aside - you're right in that I think these interactions are somewhat inappropriate. I think your girlfriend likes the tease. Yes, she informs them that she's in a relationship, but you're right - she continues to put herself into situations where guys from her past are still involved in her life. What preceded this kiss, I'm wondering? Was she flirting with him? I'm wondering to what degree she contributed to him attempting before it happened. Maybe it just spontaneously happened, but that seems very daring to me (then again, maybe the guy had been drinking). And she's talking to a guy she used to sleep with...why? I just never hear of much good coming from people talking to former sex partners while they're dating other people, especially if the friendship starts or gets stronger during the course of one of the friends' relationships. She does deserve kudos for turning down the advances to get coffee, but I think there's still something more here. During the course of my relationship (now nearly 3 years long), I returned to a dating site I had left years earlier about 6 months ago. I was lonely, neglected, etc. I told myself at first that I was looking for an ego boost. I never openly flirted with these people but I put myself in a position in which I knew flirting would happen. Many people asked me out for coffee, lunch, wanted to talk to me on the phone, etc. As soon as that happened, I always went cold. But it didn't change the fact that what I was doing was wrong. I was turning outside of my relationship for comfort and affection from other people. I even messaged my ex at one point to get an idea of just WHY my boyfriend for so long kept in touch with his ex. And there was nothing there. He wrote back to me and I shrugged my shoulders. I just didn't get it. And maybe that is what your girlfriend is doing here. She doesn't want to go all the way with these guys, but she likes the tease. She likes reminders of being near people who once (or still do want) wanted her. And that's something to keep your eye on, because that kind of sexual narcissism can poison anything.
Author bitteorca Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) You think she's easy, yet you're still going out with her? If you can't respect the decisions she's made, this is going to carry over into your other interactions with her and it's going to poison the relationship. It sounds possibly like you have some sexual envy. But besides that, what it really comes down to is: if you can't accept her sexual history, move on and find somene else whose history agrees with you better. But that aside - you're right in that I think these interactions are somewhat inappropriate. I think your girlfriend likes the tease. Yes, she informs them that she's in a relationship, but you're right - she continues to put herself into situations where guys from her past are still involved in her life. What preceded this kiss, I'm wondering? Was she flirting with him? I'm wondering to what degree she contributed to him attempting before it happened. Maybe it just spontaneously happened, but that seems very daring to me (then again, maybe the guy had been drinking). And she's talking to a guy she used to sleep with...why? I just never hear of much good coming from people talking to former sex partners while they're dating other people, especially if the friendship starts or gets stronger during the course of one of the friends' relationships. She does deserve kudos for turning down the advances to get coffee, but I think there's still something more here. During the course of my relationship (now nearly 3 years long), I returned to a dating site I had left years earlier about 6 months ago. I was lonely, neglected, etc. I told myself at first that I was looking for an ego boost. I never openly flirted with these people but I put myself in a position in which I knew flirting would happen. Many people asked me out for coffee, lunch, wanted to talk to me on the phone, etc. As soon as that happened, I always went cold. But it didn't change the fact that what I was doing was wrong. I was turning outside of my relationship for comfort and affection from other people. I even messaged my ex at one point to get an idea of just WHY my boyfriend for so long kept in touch with his ex. And there was nothing there. He wrote back to me and I shrugged my shoulders. I just didn't get it. And maybe that is what your girlfriend is doing here. She doesn't want to go all the way with these guys, but she likes the tease. She likes reminders of being near people who once (or still do want) wanted her. And that's something to keep your eye on, because that kind of sexual narcissism can poison anything. I'm not even sure she flirts, she says she doesn't at all, i think she just talks to them if they talk to her. I suppose I just cant make up my mind whether its harmless chat because she's too nice to just ignore, and also that these people are just genuinely friends that she has no bad blood with, or whether its what you said: that she basically likes the attention. She was talking to him (the guy who she has slept with), but I don't think its a constant thing. They exchanged some texts when he was back home from New York, and she seemed to think it was inappropriate after a while, and when he asked her, said that she didn't want to hang out with him. And like I said, it was just a one-time sex thing with him, and she said it shouldn't have happened. She said that instance and another instance are the only 2 times she's actually regretted anything from her past. But again, why does she feel the need to message him, when she knows she has slept with him and knows what he'll be ultimately after (or am I being too cynical about his intentions as well?!) Re: the attempted kiss. I often wonder what preceded it as well. She says she was just talking to him because it was her friend, her friend's boyfriend, herself and this guy, who is friends with the friend's boyfriend (if that makes sense!) so they were kind of like a little group. She told me it was just a random lunge kind of thing, and yeah he had been drinking. She said that after she said to him that she was kind of with me everything was pretty normal again. She was messaging me that night, cute stuff as well. But yeah, I do often wonder... I'm seeing her tonight, and obviously everything is up in the air. We're going to chat, and I just wanted some advice from third parties to see whether I was being irrational or not. I told her that we need a big chat tonight, because its obvious that we really do isn't it... Edited March 30, 2011 by bitteorca
Author bitteorca Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Sorry for the double post, but I also remember posting something along these lines a bit ago, and people were saying that I should just trust her until she proves otherwise. She hasn't actually done anything with anyone at the end of the day, hasn't gone to meet anyone. There'd obviously be no question about finishing things then Its just that this is so borderline. I suppose it can be split into 2 interpretations: That she is just being friendly with these people, and at the end of the day hasn't done anything, and might not even be flirting, just being friendly with people that are her friends, even though not 'good friends'. and That she is at the end of the day responding to messages from guys who have either tried to kiss her or she has actually slept with, and that is inappropriate I just don't know which one it is, and that's why I'm struggling Its not as clear cut as cheating or anything like that, because I know I'd be straight out the door if that was the case with no questions asked
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