messedup&workingonit Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 So I'm going to make a long story short. Probably because it is too hard to go through every thing in detail in a short time. Background: 11 years together; 10 years living together; 5 years married; 2 kids, aged 4 and 2. We were both in employment and living a nice life. I had some debts I didn't tell her about (I felt I could sort it out without needing to worry her about it). I was doing great at my job (I progressed to become a senior manager within the company) until I was let go following some false allegations. My wife knew all about that situation and also knew I hadn't done anything wrong. Nonetheless, I felt like a failure when I found myself unemployed. The pressure of repaying the debts was growing. At that point I made a very stupid choice. I took a line of cocaine, as I had tried it once at a party and remembered I had a great time and didn't worry about anything. I was hooked before I had finish that first gram. I felt I had all the answers and solutions for everything, but I only felt that way when I was high so I ended up addicted. I used drugs for 6 months, and during the last 2 I was using it daily. I eventually told my wife I had a drug problem, she had no idea and was devastated. I also told her about the debt I had kept hidden from her. She kicked me out of the house. I sought help with my drug problem and checked in at a rehab clinic. I have now finished the program and I am looking for work. During the program, contact with my wife was limited to talking to the kids and a few letters. She tells me she hates me (kind of understand) and she can't see a future where she would be able to trust me. She also tells me, sometimes, she would love for the four of us to be back together but she doesn't know how she can get over everything I have done to her, how much I have hurt her. Her family have taken a No Contact stand towards me. Her dad told my dad that I am a drug addict who will never be able to look after her daughter and I will never be able to get a job. I really want to claw back towards what we had. I understand trust is lost and it will take time, if ever, to get it back. Have you got any advice, at all?!?!
betterdeal Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 It's good that you've taken responsibility for your actions and getting through rehab has presumably removed one of the major burdens in your life. What about the financial problems? Discuss this with a debt counselling service and see what options you have to write off the debt or make it more manageable. Suggest relationship counselling to your wife. Having a third party can help you work out between you how you will proceed. You've had some big knocks, getting help like you have with rehab is a good idea.
Author messedup&workingonit Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 While I was in rehab she went to see a counsellor. It hasn't really helped her, as far as I can see. She hasn't hardly moved from her initial shock and anger. That said, she took off her rings 3 months into my rehab process. She has since told me she kissed another man and that she doesn't feel ready to take the step to "be" with another man because she is still married. I am going for a session with her therapist this week. The idea is that we would eventually go together, although she is telling me it is for us as parents, not as a couple? I am confused by this as, if anything, we have been pretty good with regards to the kids. Whenever I have seen them (supervised by her) I have made sure they understand that I will back anything mummy tells them to do/not to do. Also made sure they understand they are loved by both of us. I am not sure what her family have been saying to them, as I have had a couple of odd questions from the eldest, but that is something I have no control over. I have asked her to ensure there is respect towards me when talking around the kids and she agreed that was the way she thought it should be too. Regarding the debt, I was tempted to go down the route of getting it written off but, ultimately, I took those responsabilities and if I bail out on them I would be starting a pattern of behaviour I am not sure I want to follow. I need to pay it back and thankfully I am in dialogue with the debtors so they can see my intention to repay is real and they can show some patience. I have taken some knocks but "...it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET HIT and continue to move forward...", isn't it? The most important thing for me is to make sure my kids can be proud to call me their dad one day and to be there for them, always. What I would like to know is if there is any advice out there to try and show I have trully all the desire to never ever hide anything from her? Also, is there anything I could be doing to smooth things out with her family?
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