nowwhatnow Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 My ex-bf dumped me almost 7 months ago and I have been NC for 6 months. Our relationship was great and the break up came completely out of the blue for me. He just said he was having doubts and was confused and that was pretty much it. I am still stuck on him after all this time. And I am still hoping and praying for him to contact me telling me he wants be back. 4 months after the breakup I picked up and moved to a different part of the world to try and get over him and what i discovered is that I am still so in love with him. My question to you is: Is it worth sending him and email, giving it one last try to tell him how I feel? It would just be a letter telling him how much ive grown and how i am still in love with him. NB: the last contact we had was a month after the break up when he invited me to his birthday thing and i told him to not contact me for a while. thoughts?
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) You are in NC for 6 months, why do you have to break this cycle? Don't do it. As you mentioned, our relationship was great. It is not, our relationship is great. Personally speaking, I feel that he is no longer confused. Being confused, he will not leave you alone and not initiating (I presume) any contacts with you at all for the past 6 months. And even if he did initiate contact with you during those past months, are there any words or actions that show that he want to be with you again or just throwing mixed signals (breadcrumbs) to you? My suggestion is do not send him any emails or letters, you have gone though good months of NC, by sending the e-mail, what do you want to achieve? For him to do the possible followings: 1. Ignore you totally And maybe you will start to wonder why again he ignores you, and this makes you go back to the very beginning stage of healing of why he ends the relationship. 2. Replies you and say thanks but mention nothing about rebuilding relationship with you Again, you may start to feel rejected and hurt by his firm decision. 3. Oh good to hear from you, let's meet for coffee Then, you may start to overthink oh maybe he really wants to be with me again when it just only most likely just for a normal chit chat with you. If he wants to be with you again, let him do the action, let him be the one to initiate the action. You don't have to do anything. The reason is, he is the one who choose to give up, don't put a chain on yourself and hope that he will pull you along when he walks his own journey. As long as he is not doing any action to get you back, continue your NC, because you may not realize this yourself, you are doing better and better, stronger and stronger. Of course, there are times you hit roller coaster moods, but every time you sit through the roller coaster, you are always doing better. I still love my ex-bf, but I will never initiate any contact with him. Period. Because he chose to let me go and hurt me. I don't have to force myself to to beg/plead/ask/convince/encourage a person who gives me up like this. Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu
JusChill Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Your wasting your time, face reality. He dumped you for a reason.
No_hope Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Oh gosh, please do not tell him how much you love and miss him. I did this, and I got shot down so bad. if he wants to be with you, he will contact you. period. Why do you want to be with someone who just let you go? I know it hurts, but it's the truth. you need to go out and do something with your life. Just like I have been telling other LSers, you need to go better yourself, go make your life interesting. You need to start caring for YOU, and YOU only (unless you have kids). You need to beach, go hiking, start yoga, start eating healthier, go to a concert, re-decorate your house. make a LIST of why it's so great to be single. Make a LIST of why it's so great to not be with your ex anymore. like.... fighting? Did you guys fight at all? the answer is probably YES. Now you can live in your house, and be peaceful EVERYDAY - EVERYDAY you will know there will be no more fighting, at all. expectations? Did you ex not clean up after himself? did he not take out the garbage? Now there will be no disappointments! please stop putting your life on hold for this ONE guy. You need to get out there and live your damn life! How about getting into a bazaar career? like cosmetology, or culinary school. Maybe you didn't go to college? You can go to college now. Or if you have a career, you can make it BETTER. he's one guy, who doesn't care about you. He is your past now, and don't drag it into your new exciting, fun future.
robinseggblue Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Wow, the negativity is overwhelming in this thread. I had to post something just to even things out. I don't see why you can't send him an email, especially since you were the last one to refuse contact with him. I don't think it is wise to tell him that you are still in love with him or to start listing your accomplishments right off the bat. Both of those manoeuvers would give you away. I think you should send him an email that says "Hello, what have you been up to lately?" This hints to him that you are just fine and are wondering how an old friend (him) is doing. If you were totally over him, how would you act? You probably wouldn't have a problem sending him an email like that right? Do it. But when you are deciding what to write or what to respond to him, make sure you always ask yourself first, "What would I be saying/doing if I was totally over him?" and don't write anything unless it sounds like you are.
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 She can send the e-mail to him only when she has completely get over him
citrusdrop1688 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I understand the dilemma. AlthouIgh it wasn't as long of a period of time for me, after six weeks of VERY VERY limited contact I felt the same way. We had broken up due to falling into some unhealthy relationship patterns. We both are still very much in love with each other. Both when we broke up and when we spoke on facebook once, he mentioned having a lot of confusion as to whether or not we could work things out, or if we were meant to be together. Then we didnt have contact for another two weeks. He doubted he could move on until he knew for sure. I was having a lot of issues moving on due to the implications of our conversations. I decided to cut him off for good and try to forget about him. Then at the last minute I decided I would always regret not talking to him about it one last time. Then i could walk away knowing it couldnt work and I had tried. I needed that closure. Needed to hear that he didnt think it would ever work, or that he didnt care about me anymore so there wouldnt be any more doubt. So I text him and asked if he would be willing to meet up. He was nervous, but agreed to. I was a little caught off guard when I walked in and got a huge hug. Then we sat on the couch and he held my hand and we talked about it all. The hard part about something like this is I still dont know if it was the right decision or not. We are dating and not seeing other people. Trying to see if there is something to rebuild. And its really difficult because its been about a month of that and there are still alot of questions and doubt. What it comes down to for me is I decided I would regret it more if I had never tried, then I would if I did try and things didnt work out.
Author nowwhatnow Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 i appreciate all comments - whether positive or negative. @ citrusdrop1688: did he initiate contact first? because that is different. I feel as if i am setting myself up for disaster because i keep thinking that when i get home he will beg for me back and say his reason for not doing it sooner is because i was away or something. and i know that this is not going to happen so would it not be better to know that now than be crushed when i get home?
2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Maybe he thinks you don't want to be with him for some reason, maybe he was acting aloof so he didn't look like a wuss, you also said to him do not contact me for a while - wish granted! I mean you have not contacted him so maybe this is why he is thinking this plus he dumped you then maybe he thinks he doesn't want to push to try and get you back then end up really hurt if you reject him? 2011
citrusdrop1688 Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I initiated contact the very first time. He did once after that and then a few weeks later with no contact was when i asked to meet up to talk.
Author nowwhatnow Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 2011, part of me believes that, or at least wants to, and the other part believes if he wanted to get back together he would make it known. i just dont know what to do either way i am gonna get crushed, but maybe its a good thing. i just do not know what i expect to happen being a million miles away. i guess i am just hoping to feel better.
citrusdrop1688 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I mean if he really was unsure maybe he doesnt have a definite idea of which one he wants. He did try to contact you once though and you asked him not to, for a while. Maybe he was waiting for you to contact him after that. If there was real love there he was probably in pain over the breakup and just as afraid of getting hurt again
D-Lish Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Wow, the negativity is overwhelming in this thread. I had to post something just to even things out. I don't see why you can't send him an email, especially since you were the last one to refuse contact with him. I don't think it is wise to tell him that you are still in love with him or to start listing your accomplishments right off the bat. Both of those manoeuvers would give you away. I think you should send him an email that says "Hello, what have you been up to lately?" This hints to him that you are just fine and are wondering how an old friend (him) is doing. If you were totally over him, how would you act? You probably wouldn't have a problem sending him an email like that right? Do it. But when you are deciding what to write or what to respond to him, make sure you always ask yourself first, "What would I be saying/doing if I was totally over him?" and don't write anything unless it sounds like you are. The responses and advice aren't negative, people are being realistic. It would be such a setback for her to send an "I love you and I miss you" email. It would be a setback to send anything at this point. He was the one that broke up with her. If he really wanted to be with her, have a second chance with her, he has her contact details, he knows how to reach her. When someone wants to be with you, they will move mountains to do so- and he hasn't moved anything. It's fine to write anything she needs to write down on paper. That would be healthy. Sending it to him would be a set back. Putting feelings to paper can be an awesome cathartic release- sending them is doing so to your own detriment. OP, write down what you need to say- but don't send it... Keep it for yourself, use the writing as a method and means to your healing. As others have said- we've all written AND SENT letters like this- and it's rarely led to anything but a big fat setback in the healing process.
rebeccajones Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I have been in a similar situation. I think you may get hurt again. I think if you have built yourself up some taken time to appreciate who you are and no your value that you can take some risk and contact him. I've done it after 4 months. I have gotten hurt because I did not hear what I wanted but slowly we seem to be ok with communicating and being friends. After first letting him know that "I love him" and him not feeling the same, yea that hurt alot, because we were happy too. But now I'm feeling ok feeling better that if I have to let him go I'm ok with it. I have not been able to, but just continue to get better. I guess it all depends on where you are at and how hurt you will be if you get rejected again.
Andymack Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I think you are in a similar situation to me as I want to send something to me ex as well if you want to have a look the thread is here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271561/ I'm thinking about sending something as I want to try and reconnect my ex as I miss her badly and want to be with her, but I think I'm doing it for closure as much as anything as at least if i do it and hear nothing then I know that its over and there is literally nothing more I can do. Without doing this I'll always wonder what if and I think tbh that's why I'm gonna go ahead with it although people on here will say it'll put me back in the healing process but I'm thinking **** it, it's taking ages anyway so 2 or 3 weeks won't make any difference and may even help me move on quicker as I've played all of my cards so there is nothing left I can do so have to move on. That's the way I'm looking at it and I don't see what I have to lose apart from being rejected again which I'm prepared to take.
2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) you could try a simple email and see how he responds, if he doesn't then you at least know you have closure wthout too much hurt. I have been in this situation with my ex for 4 months, I keep thinking that she is hiding something, acting aloof, kind of angry but withdrawn and being quite an obstinate person that she had feelings but was scared of releasing them that she wanted to talk about things, although it's a case of who is going to break first. I can understand that you have thoughts this is maybe the way it is and if you do you will find out he has totally moved on or something. But as I said that simple email might fire him up or you might not hear anything, as they say life is full of risk, you take the risk and find out or you don't and never find out. He truly might think you had no interest in him and he has forced himself to move on, as I am doing with my ex, IDK maybe she is and hasn't the guts to spill it or genuinely is moved on but I HAVE to do that as I don't really know. You've got to think on who really left the ball in who's court. With my situation my ex I left it in her's as I tried talking/reasoning and she was taking absolutely NONE of it and wouldn't listen, maybe it was a front I do not know but I have to assume it is and move on, maybe she wanted me to make a fuss out of her idk but I didn't and really, as much as I really wanted to, and as much as I seen her as my potential future I did not think it was in my best interests too at the time, as I would have spent literally months on my knees begging her for a chance, and nothing is worth that. I have never felt this way about a girl but I am not prepared to do that for any chance. 2011 Edited April 2, 2011 by 2011
Author nowwhatnow Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 ya thanks for the advice! its true that i dont really have much to lose anymore i guess. i just hope that it would not make me feel worse. its just that it has been almost 7 months and i have this faint hope because he was never definite when he did it. i keep thinking that maybe if i know for certain than i can give up and begin to move on. but on the other hand would he not contact me if he felt differently? or would he be too scared to take the risk? how do i know the difference? i just do not know how to word it. i dont want to say im still in love with him (which i am) but i wanna know where his head is at. but if his lack of communication is the indicator then maybe i am just setting myself up for more hurt. but better to know now then keep pining for another 7 months.
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