Would you put up with it?

[Sebstian]

Would you put up with your girlfriend backpacking (read: partying hard) in south east asia for 5 months with her female single friend, while you at home?

 

I met this awsome girl last summer. I’m 35 and she’s just 22. She’s pretty smart for her age, and I’m pretty young at heart, so it’s actually a pretty good match. I get as many offers as she does, so it’s a fairly even relationship.

 

But here’s the problem. After dating for 5 months she went to asia for 5 months. I knew this from the very start, and just went along with it. We both insisted on staying a couple while she was away, but this thing is killing me now. I met her in asia for a week after six weeks separation, and everything was fine.

But she and her single female friend are travelling from one party town to the next. The cultural aspect of seing Asia is virtually non-existing as they go out partying until the morning most of the time. She is constantly hanging around boys and while her friend does her best to catch a std, my gf says she is straight. I know I should just trust her, but skyping and hearing drunk dudes in the background, in their room, playing guitar at 8am takes my mind nasty places. And it’s like this all the time. Me living normal life at home, and her partying hard with a lot of guys. New males keeps ticking in at her facebook friends list at a steady pace (no girls). She uploads a lot of pics at picasa, but not a single guy in any one pic, and she doesn’t tell me very much about what they do. She’s a very attractive Scandinavian girl, so of course guys are hitting on her non stop (the name of the game with good looking partners). But it seems like she’s hiding what’s going on. Two days ago they just changed their plans to visit another country for two weeks, so that they could stay and hang out with some new found friends in this backpacker mega party town. She said, sounding almost surprised, that the guys weren’t even good looking. Wtf, so before that they only seeked out handsome ones or what? (btw from snooping around I saw that one of the guys litterally has a body like brat pitt at his peak - so would hate to see what the good looking ones were like)

 

She doesn’t give any direct indications that anything is going on. She constantly says how much she misses me and love me, and how I should be there with her – she even mentioned that she should move in with me when she get's home - so perhaps she really is a good girl. Anyways, my jealousy constantly creeps in and I can’t stop checking her facebook, checking photo albums of her new friends to look for evidence – it’s really killing me being like this. I try to stay cool and not be the jealous bf, but it shines through sometimes and she’s having none of it, which is understandable. I’ve never accused her of cheating, but she can sometimes detect my doubts, which means’s I’m pushing her directly into the arms of the hords of willing men. When I manage to control myself and instead send her sweet loving emails, she responds very positively, but the doubt is still there.

 

She did break my trust at one time, but we had only known each other for 2 weeks, so I don't know if it really counts.

 

What to do?

 

//Sebastian

[betterdeal]

Go out and pull. Seriously. Behave as though you are a single man on your own, which you are, and have sexy fun. When she gets back, decide what to do then. Maybe even tell her what you're doing and ask her not to get pregnant. No point in you both feeling sexually frustrated and guilty at the same time.

[Bryanp]

From what you describe it would be almost impossible to believe that she is not screwing around. Her friend is screwing around and they are both constantly drunk going from party to party. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on. Her discussions to you sounds like she is on a guilt trip. If I were you I would not think about having sex with her when she returns until she gets tested for STD's. The diseases that she could pick up in Asia are very very nasty.

[Sebstian]

So is the general belief that it's virtually impossible for her not to screw around? I just wonder, if she wanted to, why would she keep me lingering on?

 

And yeah it's pretty bad, talked to her today and she was drunk as hell... It was very weird. Very loving and "I miss you sooooo much", about how she masturbated with her tooth brush yesterday (don't ask me how) and so on, but the sweet words just didn't sound right somehow. Can't say exactly what it was, but I got this feeling. Don't know if was the booze, if it's just the jealousy talking or if something is wrong.

 

As you can see, no matter if she's good or bad, I'm in a f.....d situation. But it seems a bit drastic to boot somebody you really care for, just from a gut feeling. My gut feelings have often been proved wrong, so don't know what to think and I have a hard time staying objective...

[Kelemort]

It's possible she could be faithful, but she wants to move in with you when she gets back. Isn't that kind of soon? Frankly, you'd only been dating for 5 months and since then it's been long-distance. It doesn't sound like she has a job. Are you well-off? She might just want financial security, and that's why she wants to live with you. That could be her motivation for staying. Because once the partying's done, it's back to ho-hum life.

 

I think you need to arrange a time to Skype with her and talk about these problems. Emphasize that you care about her and you're glad she's having fun over there, but you think it's unfair for both of you to continue having a long-distance relationship like this. And break it off. Go have fun yourself. When she gets home, maybe you can resume this relationship once you've both been tested for STDs and your minds are put to ease.

[Bryanp]

Sebatian,

 

You ask why would she would keep lingering you on? This way she is clearly having fun and being drunk for 5 months and going crazy and she knows she will have a sweet boyfriend to come home to. It is called cake eating.

 

Lets face it. You call her up and she is drunk and telling you she is masturbating to a toothbrush. This tells you what? Clearly her friend is screwing around and she with her friend are constantly drunk with guys everywhere and she tells you she is horny which means sex is clearly on her mind. I have traveled around the world and the view of many foreign men is that American women are whores and easy to have sex with. In addition, she is only 22 and she did something at the beginning of your relationship that put a question of trust into play.

 

The bottom line is when you call her she is constantly drunk and partying so you know what is going on. By the way if she is constantly drunk it would be a matter of time before she simply will not remember what is happening anyway. I feel sorry for you my friend. I think you need to find someone else. She sounds very immature but again she is only 22.

[Hanther]

Sebatian,

 

I have traveled around the world and the view of many foreign men is that American women are whores and easy to have sex with.

Um, she's not American.

 

Anyway...sounds like she is having a ton of fun. And she's not drunk 24/7 despite what it may seem like to you, so if she is even the slightest bit intelligent, I'm sure this experience (aside from just the partying) will teach her a lot about herself and hopefully she'll come back an even more interesting person.

 

BUT: I think you should call it off for now. Let her have her fun. Even if she's remaining faithful to you now, she may grow to resent you for "holding her back" while she was traveling. It is causing you a ridiculous amount of stress and it probably isn't good for her either.

 

You both set yourselves up for failure. If I were in her position, I would find it very difficult to be in a relationship while meeting new, attractive, interesting guys while traveling all over a new country. I mean, I'm definitely not the type of person to sleep around. But at the same time, she's doing something really fun and she should be able pursue a spark with someone (safely) if it feels right to her. You were only dating for five months before she left, after all!

 

At least, that's how I would feel if I were her.

 

When she gets back, then reevaluate whether you want to get back together.

[Woman In Blue]

Sebastian, you're dating a young GIRL. You're 35 years old - 5 years away from 40 and this little gal is only a few years out of high school. This is what girls her age DO - they go out and explore the world because they're too young to be putting down roots or getting into serious relationship commitments.

 

The mistake you're making is expecting someone this young to have the same mindset YOU do at your age. You're light years apart. She's not at the same stage of life you're at - and it ain't gonna happen for her for a good long while.

 

Your best bet is to date women your own age who are at the same stage of life you're at.

[Sebstian]

Thanks for your replies fellas, I really appreciate you taking your time to chip in. Everyone so far suggested I ended things with her, so apparently it's just not me thinking the situation is haywire. But it's bloody difficult to do, because of hunches, simple logic and jealous thoughts, when the one you love says she loves you and wants to be with you. Haven't caught her cheating, lying or anything. I don't give a damn if she's partying all day long, if I could just know that she didn't screw around. The logic reasoning is 'of course she is', but is it fair? I honestly don't blame her for getting drunk non stop - I would have too! It's just the creeping doubts of some f....r getting into her pants and that she is constantly in a state where that is almost expected, that gets to me.

 

Bryan:

Your totally right on the eating the cake thing. It was a stupid question - love your way of putting it!! Sure she is horny but so am I, and I don't screw around - didn't even when I was even more hornier at 18 or 22, so it shouldn't be a deal breaker by itself - but it does of course raises the odds. I think being insecure is much worse and she's quite the opposite.

 

Hanther:

I hear what you're saying on the 'it probably seems worse from my perspective that it really is' - that's why I ask you guys. It's really hard to stay objective. We did indeed set ourself up for failure, but we didn't plan to fall in love, it just sort of happened, and the tickets were bought before I met her. She didn't even want to leave because she was in love. Don't know if it's just me being a boy scout, but I studied on and off in California for 18 months in total, being faithful to my ex gf in Scandinavia the whole time, and never felt restricted as it was my own choice.

 

I actually did offer her a few weeks ago that we could break it off, so that she could enjoy her trip unrestricted, and then see what happened when she returned. But she flatly refused, saying I was the one she wanted to be with.

 

@woman in blue

She's actually not a little girl, if she were I had never stayed with her. The age thing is of course quite obvious. But things are a little different here in Scandinavia from the US. People settle very late and mature early due to no stigma on sex compared to the US. She had rough experiences with her dad dying a few years back, which matured her a lot emotionally wise. A tragic way to mature, but it made a difference nonetheless. Not party wise however, but that is a health indicator imo. Also, when I met her she had had a couple handfulls of lovers, including two relationships each lasting >2years - one of them she lived with for 2 years. I'm very young at heart, so it's not the old man and the child as you make it sound. But you do have a point, the age difference is still undeniable and significant.

 

I can hear myself defending this thing, I guess because I don't want it to end. So it seems I'll have to pick one of the following:

 

1. trust her to be faithful and do my best to kill my jealousy. For my own sake and so not to push her away.

 

2. Call a time out, and let her have her fun unrestricted (which means final ending for me).

 

3. Talk to her and try to figure out what she REALLY wants (but that could of well be the pie AND the cake).

 

My visions of her visiting temples and reading books in a hammock was so far from reality as can be.

 

Oh man, I'm so screwed!

 

// Sebastian

Edited March 31, 2011 by Sebstian