new here... where to begin?

March 30, 2011

I'm in a peculiar situation. I've been married about 3 years. I have no steady income but have been taking care of our home and our two children as a SAHM since 3 months after we were married. My husband has refused to pay regularly on my debts and as such, my credit score has plummeted over 100 points since we've been married and I had our second child. I've been searching for work and taking small jobs here and there with no luck.

In mid-2008 a friend "discovered" my inclination toward portraiture and after doing work for some very satisfied moms and brides, I moved from hobby photography into doing it as a professional. I've paid rent a few times when he couldn't, kept us from having to move into his mother's when he lost his job, bought groceries, paid on my student loans when I could, paid medical bills. Most of my tax refund bought his new car and the big screen TV we have. But he insists that my photography is not lucrative and demands that I quit in order to find a "day job".

Due to the last year being a year of hell, during which he repeatedly minimized my self worth and devalued me on a daily basis, insulted my photography and parenting/housekeeping skills, on top of recently discovering he has not kicked his pornography habit like he insisted the last two times I caught him, I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is irreconcilable and I want to leave. But... how do I do it?

I want to be wise about this. I don't want him to be able to use my status as SAHM against me to take my kids. He is essentially an absentee father. He complains about being only a paycheck to me, yet refuses to behave in any other manner. He has run me into the ground, so to speak -- I have no money in my account bc I let him convince me to pay bills when we were in counseling and I wanted to prove I could contribute. Now my business is in trouble, and he says he'll pay for client products I can't afford, but in return he wants me to stop all photography. This time of year I get loads of inquiries about portraits and weddings - more of a chance for me to be self-sufficient, but he wants me to turn all the jobs down. He treats me as though he wants me not to depend on him, but then sabotages every effort I make to be independent. He accuses me of lying and cheating nonstop, even if I take five minutes longer to go to the grocery store than he would like me to spend there, then insults his own penis size and libido as if I have a reason to cheat. He refuses to put my name on his checking account, but wants complete control of mine. If I take 10 minutes longer to pick up my kid from preschool, he's blowing up my phone. He has grown increasingly manipulative, controlling, and possessive, while at the same time telling me "if you did sleep with someone else I wouldn't be mad, I'd want to hear about it and use it in our bedroom later". Which, honestly, just draws an even worse connection between his porn addiction and how it's increasingly affecting our relationship. He practices this habit in his office... which is right next to our daughters' bedroom.

We have two small girls. In our first year of marriage I told him if the pornography didn't stop or he didn't get help, it would lead to separation. He has been using it again for at least a year -- because that's when he started treating me like an object even worse than before. He has tried to restrict my time with my family who all live out of state (to no avail), and forced (or tried to force) me to drop any outside activities I'm involved in that would make him have to watch the kids (church volunteering, playgroups, photo shoots, photo seminars, etc). He is addicted to video games and plays nonstop. He works from home MWF and yesterday, every single time I walked into his office he was playing a game instead of working. He has no friends he hangs out with in person -- he talks to all of them over his games.

I feel like we've already been here concerning his porn and game addictions. I don't want to give him anymore chances. I think he needs to feel the pain of consequences. As far as I'm concerned, he's already made his choice between his family and his addictions. Last night he closed the office door and I opened it and asked him to leave it open, and he adamantly refused because he "wouldn't be tempted". Just two days before he had told me I have no right to be angry at him for this because "the scale was tipped more to (my) side" concerning who has done more hurtful things. I have been paying for my past for the last five years.

I need to know how to do this wisely. He told me during a fight this week that if I left him and didn't get a job to provide for the kids, he would get our younger daughter and the state would get our older daughter (because she is not his biological child - she was conceived by rape and the criminal was never found - and my husband has never adopted her). I know this is not true, in Michigan it's very difficult to take children from their mother, but it made me realize how messed up our relationship is and how I need to get out NOW. But where do I start?

I have office space that I'm not even using. I have a friend who will help me paint it so I can put signs up and started getting more steady photo work. I have a handful of portrait sessions lined up and a wedding consult tomorrow. I love photography because it allows me to still be there for my kids and be a bigger presence in their lives than if I were to work a 9-5, yet I make more money. The only reason I haven't aggressively marketed myself is because of the strain it's put on my marriage and how he has done everything in his power to keep me from pursuing my photography business. He is a web developer and said he would build my website... two years later he still hadn't done it so I bought a $200 site from a template company and built it myself. He was SO mad about it and so verbally abusive toward me during that conversation that I thought he would leave me - just for using someone else for my website. My counselor calls that passive-aggressive emotional abuse. cheap gucci shoes

I just want out. The porn issue is fresh - just learned of his backsliding less than a week ago. I've taken a few days to think it over. I don't have the language for doing this. "Move to your mothers, or I'm moving out." "This is not acceptable in our house with our little girls, move out." "we're not sharing beds until these conditions are met..."

help