Thinking10 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I’ve been lurking on LS for 6 weeks and now feel like I need to post my story for any inputs. My ex and I were dating for 5 months and practically living together for 4 of those months (which was probably a mistake). During the entire relationship, my ex was always good to me—emotionally attentive, always supportive, and loved taking care of me. He constantly told me that I was beautiful and that I was by far the most intelligent woman he’s dated. Nevertheless, I believe (but not sure) his insecurities got in the way of our relationship. Though I feel I gave him no reason to feel insecure, I think he always felt that I would find someone smarter, more successful, more handsome. Day by day, he would get more and more upset at me for irrational, trivial things. They always had to do with me not being attentive enough, him being jealous, me supposedly being too money hungry (which I'm not. Why would I be dating a penny-less student if I were). It was extra frustrating because he’s passive aggressive—he would show signs that he was upset, but he would never come out and tell me something was wrong. I’d have to dig and dig for him to finally tell me the problem. Most times, I would spend hours trying to rationalize his feelings with him. The day before our break up, I asked him a simple, no big deal question (I emphasized that it was not a big deal) that made him upset for the entire night. His foul mood extended to the next day and by then, I became upset. I was frustrated that he got disgruntled so frequently and unreasonably. Long story short, when I told him I was upset, he got even more upset than he originally was. He then suddenly broke up with me saying he was unhappy, that he felt we had irreconcilable personality differences, that he couldn’t help but to get mad at me for little things I said and did, and that he didn’t see us long term (ouch). He said it wasn’t a matter of being rational, but about how he felt…. I was livid because this was the second time he broke up with me out of nowhere. For the first break up, we talked and got back together after only 4 days. That night, I “lectured” him for hours on what a relationship entails, his irrationality, how unfair it was that he never communicated his feelings with me, etc. He said he didn't know I would feel so upset about him leaving. He took back the break up saying he F’d up, but in a very weak, un-meaningful way. I was too upset and shocked to accept it and he eventually left apologizing for the poor way he handled the break up (because I told him he did). It’s been 6 weeks with NC from both our ends. I can’t help but to keep holding on to him. I think about him ALL the time. He was really good to me during our relationship (minus him getting upset at trivial things) and I saw him as potentially being the one. It’s so odd that he was so lovey dovey days before the break up and then, poof he claims he is miserable and wants out. Oh I forgot to mention that the gf before me cheated on him. After lurking through LS, it seems like continuing NC is the way to go, but I wonder if my ex is too scared to call and so I should. After all, he neverfelt that I really liked him that much. For obvious reasons, I can’t decipher what he may be thinking at all. I’m starting to think that maybe I’ve been blind—perhaps it’s not his insecurities that made him walk away, but rather he didn’t really like me/got sick of me? I’m a very logical person and it’s driving me insane that I can’t really pin point the problem. As I said, I don’t know what to think or do… Inputs anyone? Advices? Thanks for the vent.
TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I’ve been lurking on LS for 6 weeks and now feel like I need to post my story for any inputs. My ex and I were dating for 5 months and practically living together for 4 of those months (which was probably a mistake). During the entire relationship, my ex was always good to me—emotionally attentive, always supportive, and loved taking care of me. He constantly told me that I was beautiful and that I was by far the most intelligent woman he’s dated. Nevertheless, I believe (but not sure) his insecurities got in the way of our relationship. Though I feel I gave him no reason to feel insecure, I think he always felt that I would find someone smarter, more successful, more handsome. Day by day, he would get more and more upset at me for irrational, trivial things. They always had to do with me not being attentive enough, him being jealous, me supposedly being too money hungry (which I'm not. Why would I be dating a penny-less student if I were). It was extra frustrating because he’s passive aggressive—he would show signs that he was upset, but he would never come out and tell me something was wrong. I’d have to dig and dig for him to finally tell me the problem. Most times, I would spend hours trying to rationalize his feelings with him. The day before our break up, I asked him a simple, no big deal question (I emphasized that it was not a big deal) that made him upset for the entire night. His foul mood extended to the next day and by then, I became upset. I was frustrated that he got disgruntled so frequently and unreasonably. Long story short, when I told him I was upset, he got even more upset than he originally was. He then suddenly broke up with me saying he was unhappy, that he felt we had irreconcilable personality differences, that he couldn’t help but to get mad at me for little things I said and did, and that he didn’t see us long term (ouch). He said it wasn’t a matter of being rational, but about how he felt…. I was livid because this was the second time he broke up with me out of nowhere. For the first break up, we talked and got back together after only 4 days. That night, I “lectured” him for hours on what a relationship entails, his irrationality, how unfair it was that he never communicated his feelings with me, etc. He said he didn't know I would feel so upset about him leaving. He took back the break up saying he F’d up, but in a very weak, un-meaningful way. I was too upset and shocked to accept it and he eventually left apologizing for the poor way he handled the break up (because I told him he did). It’s been 6 weeks with NC from both our ends. I can’t help but to keep holding on to him. I think about him ALL the time. He was really good to me during our relationship (minus him getting upset at trivial things) and I saw him as potentially being the one. It’s so odd that he was so lovey dovey days before the break up and then, poof he claims he is miserable and wants out. Oh I forgot to mention that the gf before me cheated on him. After lurking through LS, it seems like continuing NC is the way to go, but I wonder if my ex is too scared to call and so I should. After all, he neverfelt that I really liked him that much. For obvious reasons, I can’t decipher what he may be thinking at all. I’m starting to think that maybe I’ve been blind—perhaps it’s not his insecurities that made him walk away, but rather he didn’t really like me/got sick of me? I’m a very logical person and it’s driving me insane that I can’t really pin point the problem. As I said, I don’t know what to think or do… Inputs anyone? Advices? Thanks for the vent. Just want to say I went through something similar a few days ago and I understand the pain. I think if a man really wants to be with you, he will. I have been telling myself that about my ex all night. Now my ex doesn't want me, so why do I want him? Same for you
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Thinking10: You are doing great 6 weeks of NC is a great achievement, don't fall back, continue on your journey to complete heal. "but I wonder if my ex is too scared to call and so I should. After all, he neverfelt that I really liked him that much. For obvious reasons, I can’t decipher what he may be thinking at all. I’m starting to think that maybe I’ve been blind—perhaps it’s not his insecurities that made him walk away, but rather he didn’t really like me/got sick of me?" From your quote. However, he's not scared of breaking up with you for real. Don't think about what is he thinking, because it will get you nowhere except hindering your healing process. When my ex-bf broke up with me, he also said he was unhappy and because of our personality differences can be reconciled, but no matter how I wanted to work things out with him, he didn't want to. It is seriously pinning hopes on someone who doesn't want to be with you. He's not scared to make the initiate contact, he made the choice to leave you. You have to make a choice, a decision for yourself to be happy or to remain bitter from your past.
SummersEve Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I think it might help to look at dating a bit differently. First of all, it takes a few months to even begin to know someone past surface level. There is no way to shorten that process and it does have a very high failure rate. After all, ideally only one will NOT end, it's called a spouse. Almost everyone has several like this first, that they get to know a bit and realize just aren't the right one. An old girlfriend cheating on him was more of the same, a pretty regular thing in the process of finding a mate, not a big trauma that has deeply scarred him for life. All the false starts hurt enough, in this expected process of trying people out until there's a good match. Why make it worse by making it into something it's not from the start? All this moving in together after only a month and calling old short term boyfriends/girlfriends "exes" is setting people up so when that likely crash comes from getting to know a new person, it hurts much worse. I would protect myself to some degree by keeping in mind what it actually is and not treating it like a pseudo-marriage instead. I think that he just got to know you a bit and just realized you were not the one. Sorry. ETA: I'm not sure this is the right time but since you're asking for insight, one thing that jumped out at me was when you said you lectured him for hours, tried for hours to get him to say what was wrong, etc. I do not know any guy who likes that at all. They often do not want to rehash emotions to the nth degree and certainly don't want to be lectured about how their feelings are incorrect and the nature of relationships, eek. In the future, I'd keep a lid on all that. I hope you get to a better place soon. Good luck. Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve
TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think it might help to look at dating a bit differently. First of all, it takes a few months to even begin to know someone past surface level. There is no way to shorten that process and it does have a very high failure rate. After all, ideally only one will NOT end, it's called a spouse. Almost everyone has several like this first, that they get to know a bit and realize just aren't the right one. An old girlfriend cheating on him was more of the same, a pretty regular thing in the process of finding a mate, not a big trauma that has deeply scarred him for life. All the false starts hurt enough, in this expected process of trying people out until there's a good match. Why make it worse by making it into something it's not from the start? All this moving in together after only a month and calling old short term boyfriends/girlfriends "exes" is setting people up so when that likely crash comes from getting to know a new person, it hurts much worse. I would protect myself to some degree by keeping in mind what it actually is and not treating it like a pseudo-marriage instead. I think that he just got to know you a bit and just realized you were not the one. Sorry. ETA: I'm not sure this is the right time but since you're asking for insight, one thing that jumped out at me was when you said you lectured him for hours, tried for hours to get him to say what was wrong, etc. I do not know any guy who likes that at all. They often do not want to rehash emotions to the nth degree and certainly don't want to be lectured about how their feelings are incorrect and the nature of relationships, eek. In the future, I'd keep a lid on all that. I hope you get to a better place soon. Good luck. I think this is perfect and would pertain to me 100 percent as well.
Recommended Posts