TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up with You “I Don’t Want to Go Out with You” Means Just That Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful “I miss you so much” voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist you must. If he’s not calling you to tell you he hired a U-Haul to come pick up all your stuff and move it back into his house, then consider yourself a nice, downy little pillow cushioning him from his feelings of loneliness and loss that he’s not fully ready to deal with on his own. The “But He Misses Me” Excuse Dear Greg, My boyfriend and I had been dating for two years, living together for one. We started fighting and having all sorts of problems. He broke up with me three weeks ago and I moved out. Of course, I’m devastated. The thing is, he calls me all the time. He wants to chat. He asks about my friends, and wants to know how my family is. He likes to keep up with the little details of my life, just as if we were going out. My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. What do you think? Brenda Dear Misty Watered Colored Memories, So glad he likes to keep up with the Way You Were. Who doesn’t need another phone pal, especially since you have a new phone and a new apartment? Put him on hold and listen to me, missy: A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person. If he’s not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, and poetry, it should only be because he’s too engrossed with his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting back on the right track. If he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him really know what it’s like to live without you. Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you. Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 You can't talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A breakup is a definitive action, not a democratic one. * Breakup sex still means you're broken up! * Cut him off. Let him miss you. * He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great! * He can take care of his cat. * "Classy" doesn't "break into his answering machine". * There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend. Don't be flattered if he says he misses you. He SHOULD miss you. You're deeply missable! However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember: the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. Don't settle for less then you ever imagined. 'Better then nothing' is not good enough for you! Remember always what you set out to get, and never settle for less. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for everyone else: these guys are able to exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to. Breakup sex is not called breakup sex for nothing. It's not "oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived- happily-ever-after"-sex. If he wants you back, think of this. Remember that the person you are getting back together with, is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. If aliens haven't recently abducted your beloved, and switched his brain for the brain of a guy who's really into you, please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely. Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal. Here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you! One simple rule: always be classy. Never be crazy. Ok, actually it's two simple reasons, but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them. What you will remember later, is not how devastated you were when you lost him, but how you behaved during the breakup. I swear. A guy says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Sometimes that guy realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. Sometimes he doesn't. Either way, EITHER WAY, your only job is to move on with your life, and fast! He can always try to chase you down as you're running down the block. If he does, just remember that it will sound like this: "Let's get back together." "Let's go into counseling". "Let's try it again". "I miss you. I made a mistake. I want to be with you". Here's what it won't sound like: "Will you walk my dog?" "Just calling to check in". "Want to see that movie?" "Will you go to cousin George's wedding with me?"
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must. My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you. Dear Greg, I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up. This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him. It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to. Breakup Sex- Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out. Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex. EX wanting you back- He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on. There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse. Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. -He's just not that into you
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I completely agree with everything Greg said. These are the meaningful words he said: Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal. Here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you! One simple rule: always be classy. Never be crazy. Ok, actually it's two simple reasons, but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them. What you will remember later, is not how devastated you were when you lost him, but how you behaved during the breakup. I swear. A guy says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Sometimes that guy realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. Sometimes he doesn't. Either way, EITHER WAY, your only job is to move on with your life, and fast! Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Greg also says - 100% of men polled said that when they broke up with a woman it always meant they didn't want to go out with them anymore. (One guy even asked, "How can you have great breakup sex if you don't break up?" Don't go out with this guy!)
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 The "But I'm So Damn Nice" Excuse Dear Greg, My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago (He broke up with me). He's going out of town to see his mother, who's having an operation, and I volunteered to take care of his cats, who I love. He accepted. I think he was really impressed and touched I'm handling it so well. My friends think I'm a wimp but I think they are being small. We have been together for 3 years, its not like I suddenly not going to care about him or his cats. Dana Dear Cat Lady, Don't even try it. I'm onto you. If he hasn't figured out after three years that you are the woman that will make his heaven on earth, a couple times of cat food aren't going to do the trick. So how about when he returns, from his mother's operation, you surgically remove him from your life? Hand over his keys and the number of the pet boarding places from the yellow pages. Doing anything above and beyond those measures won't reinstate you as his girlfriend, but will make you his maid.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Here is what is so hard about this, by Liz Tuccillo Oh I don't know, how about loving someone and being with them and knowing their family and friends and every inch of their body and seeing them naked every day and never having felt this way before and feeling like your whole life has changed for the better and compiling hours and days and days and weeks and months, years of happy memories and thinking you will spend the rest of your life together and than finding out that he doesn't even want to see you.....Tomorrow. And so is it so wrong to wait around for a glimmer, ray, sign of hope that he has second thoughts about it? That perhaps he has come to his senses and realized you were the best thing that ever happened to him, that no one will ever be as good to him as you were, that he won't find anyone who he can connect with on such a deep and profound level and who understands him as much as you do? Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to continue to talk to him, see him, bake for him, buy him gifts, feed his fish, talk to his parents, call up his friends, break into his voicemail...just kidding. Would it be so terrible if perhaps the by product of classy behavior is that he comes to his senses and realizes you are the best thing for him? I don't think so. I think its a smart scrappy plan that shows a fine combination of wile and maturity. I can't believe that in the history of mankind and breakups, it has never worked. What is wrong with these men? Fine. Breakups. I heard are just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, seeing, touching..keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a breakup, and that makes sense to me. For the most part we know this stuff. Your not supposed to sleep with the guy that broke your heart a week ago. Fine. But what are we supposed to do instead? How do we fill our time if not to win him back? Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so I can move on.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 This is what it should look like, by Liz I know a couple that dated for many years and then they broke up. They had mutual friends and everyone took it hard. Five years later, they got back together and again are now happily married. During the time apart, there were no dates, or phone calls, or being chummy. They didn't torture, confuse or hurt each other in the process. They move on with their lives, and than realized much later they could be together again.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Now what do you do? What do you do after the breakup? We are not psychiatrists or very girly (esp Liz) so we are not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice it may feel good to be out of a relationship with someone that who actually wasn't that into you. When you think about it and make all those excuses for someone and try to figure him out, takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you have opened up for more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes breakups are painful even from someone you may have dated just a few months. You may have been really excited about him and had alot of hopes for the future. But how enpowering to say "He just wasn't that into me" Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing can stop her now! Now there are a million things you can do after a break up, what you do during this time-yoga, affirmation tapes, murder-is your business. But basically your going to have to feel the pain, go through it, and you will have to get over it. Now we need to set some standards Suggestions- I will not go out with a man that keeps me waiting by the phone I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future I will not under any circumstances spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 These are very good read, thanks for sharing sure !!:p
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I have had this book for YEARS. I bought it from a breakup I went through 5 years ago. And I'm now finding it useful again. I forgot alot of the advice in it and its really helping me get through a painful experience. If you can invest 12 dollars in a book, this one is worth it.
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 These are really spot on I will not go out with a man that keeps me waiting by the phone I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future I will not under any circumstances spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Seemingly Innocent words and phrases that can also be used for evil What it should mean and What is sometimes means Friend - I would never do anything to hurt you= I'm just not that into you Busy - I was just inaugurated as President =I'm just not that into you Bad Boy - A guy you should stay away from= A guy you should stay away from I'm not ready - I can't find my pants = I'm just not that into you Call me - I just dropped my cell in the ocean and lost your number= just not that into you Edited March 30, 2011 by TryingtoUnderstand32
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