Regret..

[blackbird122]

okay so i apologize ahead of time for this long post. but to understand everything i have to start at the beginning.

 

Over a year ago, i started getting together with one of my best friends Mark*. at the same time he was talking to one of my good friends. she still had feelings for her ex so i didn't think anything of it and jumped at the chance to get ahead, i figured why not? so we got together eventually, and started dating.

 

flash forward to august 2010. i was leaving for college half way across the country. we were determined to make it work, promise ring and all. at first, everything was GREAT. then two things happened in October: 1) i got sexually abused at a frat party. 2) when i went home to visit, we got pregnant on accident (the condom broke). since i'm still young, i told Mark what happened and we decided the best thing for the child was to get an abortion. i never told him about the frat party. i didn't know what to do, i felt very alone and sad and for some stupid reason i thought he would think i was dirty. so i kept it to myself. MISTAKE. at the end of October/beginning of November, i could tell that i couldn't handle all the pain of what happened and decided to break things off with him (i was still in love with him-i was being selfish). he sobbed to me, and eventually i told him i would try and work on myself and try and work things out with him too. we became "exclusive" aka: in limbo. (keep in mind, i told him that if he couldn't do this i would understand and all he had to do was tell me and he could go--and i would let go).

 

things were great up until after winter break. i wasn't handling my situation correctly, i still hadn't told him what happened and i was starting to pull away. (i've had years of trust and abandonment issues). he realized that but he still stuck by me, even after i had slowly started to talk to him less. i would still occasionally tell him i love him, but i know i was hurting him; but i couldn't' muster up the courage to tell him what happened. i pulled away more. by the time spring break rolled along, we weren't speaking very much. he picked me up at the airport, and i realized how much i had been hurting him so i told him we had to end things. he agreed with me and that was that. he was still talking about being intimate before and during spring break but it never happened. he was also thinking of moving out west to go to school out there, and i fully supported him because i knew he had to get out of our hometown.

 

so, i return to school last week, i start going to therapy and i feel as though i'm healing. i find out that he started having a thing with one of my best friends through a 3rd party source. i was extremely upset, and that was the icing on the cake. i snapped, i told him everything. i admitted that i lied and that i was still in love with him (i never said i wasn't, but my actions suggested otherwise), and i admitted my faults and i apologized, i told him about the frat party. he was very understanding, and we spent the night texting and talking with messages from him being like "i miss you so much i'm crying", "you mean so much to me, i wish i could lay with you right now" and i said things are different now because things are a one way street- i'm in love with him still and he is not and his response is "i don't know if thats true though". so i thought that we were going to get through this. he said he needed a day to think and "talk it over with his friends", the next day he calls saying it won't work. i was devastated, but i realized i couldn't expect him to wait. but i was angry at him leading me on after i admitted all those things. we had our movie scene goodbye complete with "i will always love you's" and things like that. we agreed that we would be friends once i especially was healed. he said that he couldn't not talk to me and he wanted me to keep my promise ring and all his stuff because i meant so much to him. for once, i felt okay about myself and i stopped feeling worthless and i realized that he was such a good guy for sticking around when i was lost.

 

the next day, i talked to my so-called friend, and she apologized crying saying she regretted it. i was upset with her (and him trust me, we had that conversation) but i told her i appreciated her respecting me and not pursuing things with him anymore. then she proceeded to tell me all the things he told her. 1) that he fell out of love with me all the way back in january. 2) that we weren't being intimate. 3)that if i hadn't "interfered" a year earlier when we were both talking to him, that they would be together. and 4) that he wasn't sure he moving away even though he told me he knew FOR SURE he was. i was very upset at these things, and confronted him. he denied all of them except number 3 and 1. i was devastated. i asked him, if you werent in love with me back then, why didn't you just tell me? why did you still want to be intimate? why were we talking about marriage and moving in together for the summer? why did you sit there and lead me on two nights ago saying you wanted to lay and kiss me? he started yelling at me blaming it all on me. he said he didn't ever want to be intimate with me after winter break (which makes no sense because we talked about it before and during spring break), and that he didn't love me. as for my friend, he was saying that i "messed" them up before, which honestly, i never did. he basically said that he barely loved me.

 

i don't even know what to think about this, i KNOW i messed up, trust me. but after all of that? he was very rude and all over the place about what he was telling me. we were best friends before we dated, and i would like for us to be friends down the road (especially when he moves, he was there for me when i moved and i feel i should be there for him if possible). i know that i'm at fault for a lot, but he made me feel as though i ruined EVERYTHING and that he had no fault in anything. communication is a two way street and i honestly believe we both failed. but i can't stop beating myself up over everything.

 

help! what do i think of all of this? How will I ever forgive myself for being so distant and not appreciative of what I had?

 

p.s.

i know a lot of you are thinking i am selfish, but in all honesty, i did what i did because i thought it was the right thing to do and i DID apologize over and over for it. i needed a reality check and that's why we started talking after i found out that he was hooking up with my friend, i thought that i could handle it and let him go for his own good..but i couldn't. i was willing to be friends with him, but after the ups and downs hes been given me i emotionally, mentally, and physically cannot handle it.

[Fufu]

You have to forgive yourself first. Have you forgiven yourself? I think you had done more than enough for him. Everyone makes mistakes and we learnt from them. Unfortunately, he does not stick through obstacles with you.

 

You are not the only one making mistakes in this relationship, don't beat yourself to it.

 

Best is to cease contact with him and begin your healing journey, it will be bitter now, but you will taste sweetness much faster than to put yourself in the past.