kiss_andmakeup Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 So, interesting topic for discussion. The other day my boyfriend and I were watching some kind of trash TV (hides face in shame) on which a girl was admitting to her boyfriend of several years that during their first year together she had cheated on him. My boyfriend made the comment, "making the confession at that point is purely selfish on her part. she just wants to relieve herself of the guilt." I was so surprised by this and said, "but don't you think her boyfriend should know? Wouldn't you want to know if I cheated on you at some point in our relationship?" He responded "If it was over and done with and we were both healthy then no. It would be so painful and I'd never be able to get past it. I'd rather just not ever find out." (it's worth noting that we're both extremely regular with doctor visits and testing so as far as STD's go we would know if something like that were to happen) Obviously I haven't cheated on my boyfriend, but I'm curious how many people (men or women) feel this way? I guess I can see his point...if at some point years ago he made some stupid mistake, protected himself (and me), broke it off, and never did it again, I don't think I'd want to know. An ongoing thing would be different, but if it was a one-time thing, I'd prefer the ignorance is bliss route. I was surprised to find that I felt this way but it's the truth. What about you?
baguette Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I agree. I wouldn't want to know as long as the relationship was currently healthy and going somewhere. Let's not forget though, it's still not an excuse to do it.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I agree. I wouldn't want to know as long as the relationship was currently healthy and going somewhere. Let's not forget though, it's still not an excuse to do it. Nooo, definitely not. Not what I was implying at all. Just thought it was interesting.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Some people are like ostriches... they will happily bury their head in the sand. Other people like me... we would rather be allowed to make free choices. I believe the defining difference is this: Some people want to be in love with a picture of you... while others want to be in love with the person.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Absolutely want to know the truth. And I'd be careful with someone who believed it was okay to sweep under the carpet.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I would want to know, I got sick of living with lies the second I found out they were there.
Andy_K Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'd want to know. Untouchable fire speaks my exact thoughts!
PerpetualMotion Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I would want to know. I don't want to have a relationship based on lies. I'd be careful with someone who believed it was okay to sweep under the carpet. +1
Nexus One Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) My current position on this is that I would want to know. I always want to rather know the truth, no matter how painful or horrible. Reality is what it is. I would find it weird to deny the reality of it or to willfully live in ignorance of it. What would I do if I found out I got cheated on? There's a very, very big chance I'd end it immediately after letting her give an explanation. Why? Because I don't want to waste my time with someone who is willing to sabotage the most important thing in both of our lives. If a partner willing to risk that, willing to sabotage that, then what would there really be between said two lovers? Then the relationship would not be the most important thing for her, because she'd be willing to risk it for sex and wouldn't be willing hard enough to control her horniness for the relationship. Then the relationship gets reduced to something she'd not even be willing to control her urges for. That's a pretty far reduction in importance I'd say. And I simply wouldn't want to waste my time on a relationship that isn't very important to the other person. I always think that when human beings make a mistake they should be allowed to get a second chance. And in the case of cheating she'd have to absolutely realize in the core of her being what she did. She could be crying her heart out and begging me on her knees, but that just wouldn't do it for me. I would need to hear some very very specific things from her in order to even consider giving her a second chance. Someone would only utter such things if they'd realize in the core of their being what they did. Her chances for saving the relationship would be very slim at best. This is my current position. However, that doesn't mean it would be my position if push comes to shove, because I'm of the opinion that a human being never knows how they're going to react in a situation until it actually happens. Edited March 30, 2011 by Nexus One
Leeway Harris Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'd want to know. But if I didn't know, then I wouldn't know that I wouldn't know. You know?
WorldIsYours Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'd want to know and if I suspect it, I'll find out.
tigressA Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I would definitely want to know. Of course, that would only be if I was still in the relationship...not after it ended. Gah, ******* ex-"boyfriend".
Kelemort Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I don't know. If anyone read's Slate's Dear Prudie column, she's a huge advocate of just letting it go under the rug if it was a one-night stand or something like that. I think that finding out would for sure be the death of the relationship. I don't think that I could ever recover. Ignorance is bliss. As long as he was safe about it, it never happened again and he regretted it and made efforts from then on to be faithful to me - whatever. Sometimes, I think it's just better not to know. But better than that, it's just better if they're faithful from the start.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'd want to know. I'd hate to be with someone whose conscience would allow him to keep a secret like that from me.
Stockalone Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I guess I can see his point...if at some point years ago he made some stupid mistake, protected himself (and me), broke it off, and never did it again, I don't think I'd want to know. An ongoing thing would be different, but if it was a one-time thing, I'd prefer the ignorance is bliss route. I was surprised to find that I felt this way but it's the truth. What about you? I would want to know. But your thread is interesting, mainly because of the discussion you had with your bf. I have been thinking about that and I absolutely can't relate. If I had had that same discussion with a gf and she had told me what your bf told you, I know this would have turned into a discussion whose outcome would have decided the fate of our relationship and most likely would have ended it. Where your bf believes it would be selfish to confess, I think it would be the very definition of selfish not to. As far as I am concerned, those different point of views would be signs of a serious incompatibility, a deal breaker really. I am not knocking your bf or your relationship here, it's just a point of view that would not sit well with me. I don't know. If anyone read's Slate's Dear Prudie column, she's a huge advocate of just letting it go under the rug if it was a one-night stand or something like that. I had to look up who that is and found this: Marriages require honesty, but after having gotten many letters about the fallout of a confession of a one-night stand, I've become somewhat skeptical about the usefulness of this revelation. I'm talking here about the situation in which one partner cheats one time, is consumed by guilt, and realizes this is something he or she never intends to do again. I'll also add the caveat that protection was used so there's minimal chance of passing on an STD to one's spouse. It's understandable the straying party wants the catharsis and absolution of confessing. And in the absence of owning up, there remains a chance that the cheated-upon partner could stumble on this information. But ultimately, as I've heard, the revelation can cause more pain to the spouse hearing the confession than it's worth. The entire foundation of the marriage ends up being shaken, and for what? An incident that was stupid and won't happen again. This one "incident that was stupid and won't happen again" would be enough for me to end the relationship. And I believe that everyone should have the right to decide for themselves. If someone wants to forgive a cheater, that is their choice. But I want to be given that choice, and not have it made for me. THAT is what pisses me off, that I would have that right taken away from me by people like her and those who agree with her.
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