Should I just go for it or respectfully wait?

[Ricl]

Ok, here's my story.

 

I've known this girl for about 8 months now. I have fallen for her madly. She is basically my dream girl. (a phrase heard often, but the first time I actually said it, even though I have been in love before)

Now, there are a few obstacles.

1: She has a boyfriend.

2: She lives about 5k miles away from me.

 

Now, her relationship with her boyfriend isn't great. They've been together for about 2 1/2 years. And for maybe about a year now she has felt as if she doesn't matter much to him. I've been giving her advice since we met.

He doesn't compliment her often, prefers to spend time with friends, she always has to remind him to spend some time with her, things like that. He's not the worst guy, but doesn't seem right for her.

She also told me about how they've had a few talks on occasion about sex after breaking up. Just recently he asked her if she'd still have sex with him if they happened to break up. This personally strikes me as odd.

She says she was ok with the question.

On the other side of it, she has also said she is tired of trying with him and it is his turn now. He doesn't seem to really try, though. And she is like me, doesn't give up easily.

 

 

She knows I am in love with her. She enjoys that I am in love with her and enjoys the attention I give her.

I also know she likes me. I can not guess how deeply she likes me, of course. She hasn't admitted her feelings for me but said enough things for me to be sure.

She has said I'd have a chance with her if it wasn't for the distance. And then she added and if she didn't have a boyfriend.

She gives me compliments, jokes about a future between us on occasion. Whenever she has time she gets right on cam with me, sometimes going to bed later so she can cam with me longer. (just normal camming, nothing sexual)

She doesn't shy away from me hitting on her. For example, I said "Sleep well my future wife" when she went to bed, and she only got a big grin from that.

Yesterday she said "Talk to you soon hun <3", first time she used a term of endearment on me. I do not know if this was by accident or on purpose.

When we cam and chat it's not awkward, even though she knows I'd love to have her as a girlfriend. I make her smile, we have fun, and often it seems more as if we're a couple than good friends.

After I told her my feelings we only got closer. After I told her she went more out of her way to be able to chat and/or cam with me. She says I'm the only one she talks to online. So she goes on just to talk to me.

 

Emotionally, I knew this from almost the start, we're a perfect match. Our insecurities and needyness levels line up perfectly. The deeper our friendship got, the more advice I gave her on how to deal with her boyfriend, the more I know we're a perfect match on that area.

 

Now, I'm not entirely blind. I realize it's possible she just misses the attention from her bf and I fill that need and nothing more.

It feels like a lot more than that, though. It feels to me as if she wants me to fight for her love rather than sit by hoping for it to finish. But again, could just be wishful thinking.

I also realize that for the moment being I am only able to fill her emotional needs and not her sexual needs, if we were to become a couple. It feels selfish to want to take her away from a guy that lives near.

 

So, what do you guys think? Think she's just using me to fill a need? Think I should make an actual move and ask her to be mine or just go as it is and wait it all out?

Think I should ask her her feelings for me, or shouldn't I put her in the position of admitting that while she is still in a relationship?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Datura]

You've never met in person?

 

You are her shoulder to cry on when the bad boyfriend disappoints her, or doesn't treat her right. This is basically emotional infidelity.

 

Emotionally, I knew this from almost the start, we're a perfect match.

Your near immediate inclination is undoubtedly resulting in tunnel vision. Going with the assumption you've never met, you two see each other in a very controlled environment. One dimensional. That leaves idiosyncrasies, social abilities, etc. out of the picture.

 

It feels selfish to want to take her away from a guy that lives near.

Replace "selfish" with "unrealistic" and we'll be on the same page. She does not want a long distance "relationship."

 

And this "friendship" is a ruse. You are giving her sound advice about her boyfriend, no doubt, right? The guy who stands in your way.

[utterer of lies]

...

 

You have no chance of ever getting her. You are living in a dream.

[Ricl]

@Datura

My near immediate liking of her was mostly just recognition of our compatibility. It has nothing to do with a narrow vision, it's simple truth. Her stating her concerns about her relationship to me made that clear to me.

Also notice that I didn't state we're perfectly compatible in every way. I can not know that yet.

 

Also, if you're implying I'm trying to break her up by giving bad advice... that's not the case. I've only given proper advice on how to deal with each situation. I've not told her to break up or do anything that would damage the relationship further.

[FarFetched]

I'm going to be blunt here, as I always appreciate when others offer similarly phrased advice to my questions.

 

First of all, you're acting like a complete wuss. No offense, I used to do it often myself (and occasionally have to fight off old habits). Try dating a couple girls that are in your proximity and see whether you still have feelings for this other girl.

 

Second, what do you expect to result from going after a girl who currently has a boyfriend? If she allows you to interfere with her relationship, what's to say she won't do the same thing to you down the road? Why would you want to be with a girl who doesn't respect relationships, or who is attracted to men who don't respect relationships? Will you respect yourself knowing that you had to pick off a girl who was vulnerable from a failing relationship?

 

My suggestion is to take a step back, start dating other girls, and IF this one you're smitten with decides to break it off with her boyfriend, THEN go after her and see what happens.

[Ricl]

@Farfetched

 

I'm not much of a dating guy. I don't go out much cause it bores me, and I don't tend to quickly like someone anyway. I am 100% positive that my feelings for this girl won't just disappear anytime soon, they're quite real.

 

I also don't think just because a person once can be taken from their partner, they'd do it again. It's often circumstantial. Whether I'd respect myself is a different case. Part of the reason I've not made a real move yet.

 

And again, I don't see a need to just date other girls. I have no problem being single and I don't like casual dating much.

 

Other than that, I'll follow your advice of stepping back. (Unless the majority tells me to go for it.)