Does it come down to grit?

[soulseeker]

And do I have enough?

 

I have been seeing my bf for 3 months, but we'd known each other through work for 1.5 years before we started dating. I had a crush on him on and off throughout the 1.5 years, but never really considered anything happening because we work together. And frankly, I didn't think I was his type.

 

We are very different in one way: he is goal oriented and I am process oriented. But I mean he is GOAL ORIENTED, to a fault. He is aware of this, and is seeking a balance. Otherwise, from what I know, we have very similar interests and beliefs.

 

Well he pursued me and against my better judgment, I allowed myself to be pursued. I say against my better judgment because I knew before I got into this with him, that he would be leaving work for a year to hike a trail, which meant that our relationship, such as it is, would be mostly over the phone, with 3 in-person visits at most. So basically, we had a month and a half together before he left.

 

But here's why I allowed myself to be pursued: only twice in my life have I met someone who really sparks my interest. I'm not talking about loins either, thought that is certainly there; I'm talking intellect and emotion. He is the most open and honest person I have ever met.

 

Surprise, surprise, three months into this I'm finding it difficult. I find myself repeatedly questioning why I agreed to be exclusive with someone who'd be gone for so long before we even had a relationship. His main priority is to complete the trail. He will not be able to focus on a relationship with me until that is complete. I also knew this going into it. I'm finding it difficult and frustrating to walk the line between caring about someone, and not caring about them too much, before it’s appropriate.

 

Interestingly, this is where our personalities flip-flop. He is able to enjoy the process of getting to know each other, and I can’t help feeling desperate to know whether or not I'm going to get my desired goal: the chance at a relationship with him when he gets back.

 

I also swore to myself that 2011 was going to be about me. No men, because they are a distraction to me. I need to not make someone a priority before they make me one. We have even spoken about this and he is very understanding. But I do know that I am important to him. He is there for me emotionally when I need him. He calls and texts me all the time. Asks me about my day. Listens to me when I need to vent or want advice.

 

I am extremely supportive of his goal and understand the magnitude of it as much as I can. I support life dreams, even if it means being apart. I would want him to support mine, even if it meant being apart for a time. Plus, I get the whole, "I need to go fly my kite for a while," and it's fine, I need to as well. It's lack of a foundation that gets me here.

 

What I really want is to give us the best chance for a relationship on normal footing. Sometimes I think a friendship is the best route until he gets back. But is it realistic to go backwards now? I don't know.

 

I guess I'm just sort of venting, but if you have a constructive comment fire away.

Edited March 30, 2011 by soulseeker

[orangelady]

And do I have enough?

 

I have been seeing my bf for 3 months, but we'd known each other through work for 1.5 years before we started dating. I had a crush on him on and off throughout the 1.5 years, but never really considered anything happening because we work together. And frankly, I didn't think I was his type.

 

We are very different in one way: he is goal oriented and I am process oriented. But I mean he is GOAL ORIENTED, to a fault. He is aware of this, and is seeking a balance. Otherwise, from what I know, we have very similar interests and beliefs.

 

Well he pursued me and against my better judgment, I allowed myself to be pursued. I say against my better judgment because I knew before I got into this with him, that he would be leaving work for a year to hike a trail, which meant that our relationship, such as it is, would be mostly over the phone, with 3 in-person visits at most. So basically, we had a month and a half together before he left.

 

But here's why I allowed myself to be pursued: only twice in my life have I met someone who really sparks my interest. I'm not talking about loins either, thought that is certainly there; I'm talking intellect and emotion. He is the most open and honest person I have ever met.

 

Surprise, surprise, three months into this I'm finding it difficult. I find myself repeatedly questioning why I agreed to be exclusive with someone who'd be gone for so long before we even had a relationship. His main priority is to complete the trail. He will not be able to focus on a relationship with me until that is complete. I also knew this going into it. I'm finding it difficult and frustrating to walk the line between caring about someone, and not caring about them too much, before it’s appropriate.

 

Interestingly, this is where our personalities flip-flop. He is able to enjoy the process of getting to know each other, and I can’t help feeling desperate to know whether or not I'm going to get my desired goal: the chance at a relationship with him when he gets back.

 

I also swore to myself that 2011 was going to be about me. No men, because they are a distraction to me. I need to not make someone a priority before they make me one. We have even spoken about this and he is very understanding. But I do know that I am important to him. He is there for me emotionally when I need him. He calls and texts me all the time. Asks me about my day. Listens to me when I need to vent or want advice.

 

I am extremely supportive of his goal and understand the magnitude of it as much as I can. I support life dreams, even if it means being apart. I would want him to support mine, even if it meant being apart for a time. Plus, I get the whole, "I need to go fly my kite for a while," and it's fine, I need to as well. It's lack of a foundation that gets me here.

 

What I really want is to give us the best chance for a relationship on normal footing. Sometimes I think a friendship is the best route until he gets back. But is it realistic to go backwards now? I don't know.

 

I guess I'm just sort of venting, but if you have a constructive comment fire away.

 

Maybe you shouldn't date or be in a relationship. It sounds like you just need to stay solo for as long you as need to.

[SummersEve]

What is this this "allowing yourself to be pursued against your better judgement" stuff? You've had a crush on him for some time. He responded. Now he's gone for a time but doesn't want to see others while he's gone, and you didn't want to date anybody else anyway. So what's the problem?

 

At six weeks, it is too much to be too worried about doing the best thing to give the future of the relationship a solid chance. There's just not much of a relationship there yet and won't be until he gets back in person and you get to know eachother. Knowing him casually doesn't count and long distance doesn't count that much either. It might come across too much like making the wedding plans after a few dates if you know what I mean.

 

I'd keep it light, let it ride, focus on the rest of your life. Good luck. ;o)

Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve

[baguette]

If I were in your situation, I'd keep things casual with him. Tell him you're into him, but because of his absence, you won't be able to date him exclusively.

 

Don't forget about your own needs. If he really digs you, he'll be around when he gets back and you guys can start dating more seriously again.

[soulseeker]

This is where it's a real struggle for me. In my head I know you are right, it's insane and unrealistic to have an exclusive relationship with someone in this situation.

 

But I do like him. My fear is that if I say I need to be casual, then that will be the end.

 

If he was really into me, he'd be ok with that though, right? In other words, if expressing my need to go casual is the end for us, then he didnt really like me that much anyway, right?

 

To those of you who are able to date someone you like, and yet keep your investment in them at an appropriate level, how do yo do it? Do you just focus on yourself, and if they come along for the ride, great?

 

I think I'm having a major life freak out. I just turned 33 and not where I thought I would be.

[GottaGetAway]

If he was really into me, he'd be ok with that though, right? In other words, if expressing my need to go casual is the end for us, then he didnt really like me that much anyway, right?

 

To those of you who are able to date someone you like, and yet keep your investment in them at an appropriate level, how do yo do it? Do you just focus on yourself, and if they come along for the ride, great?

 

Yes and yes. I distance too much I think, but when in a relationship with someone I really like I tend to focus on fitness and health goals as well as increase my socializing with friends. It definitely keeps me at bay in terms of how invested I am in someone. It's been 6 weeks - your obsessing is probably just the whole "want what you can't have" thing. Just relax and do your own thing. Live your life and above all focus on self improvement.