summermemories Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, I have been actively following forums on loveshack for quite sometime. It is such a great community here where people have such insightful discussions. I am currently dealing with the first breakup in my life and hope I can get different opinions. It is a long story (but I feel the more details, the better others can help). I met my boyfriend on Myspace last summer in the middle of June. I rarely accept random adds, and he would rarely add someone random. So I guess you can say the likelihood of us meeting each other was very rare, so it became very special. We expressed mutual interest for each other. We started out almost like what most people call "online dating". We chatted every night during summer for 4-5 hours, sometimes until sunrise. He was from Las Vegas, Nevada and I was from San Francisco California. We knew there was a physical barrier but we enjoyed what we could make out of the moment. Four months later in October, we decided to meet for the first time. I took a bus and traveled 18 hours just to go see him. The feeling of knowing someone through only words for almost half a year and suddenly they're in flesh and form right in front of you, holding you...it's a magical feeling. We felt so close to each other because we have learned so much about each other months prior to meeting. If anything, it only allowed us to appreciate each other more. We officially established a relationship from that point on. The second time we met was a week before Christmas. Due to many circumstances such as finance, we did not have the means to see each other as often as we'd like, but we made the most out of the relationship, and our love paved the way. Shortly after New Years, his parents got a divorce and he moved with his mom to southern California to live with his eldest sister. This was probably the root of the breakup. He was adjusting to the new school, new friends, and this new life. He's a very charming, sweet, sociable, and caring guy so it wasn't hard to get along with everyone. It was difficult time but we understood where the relationship was going. I am currently a part time community college student and I applied to a few schools in southern California to transfer to this summer so that he and I can have a "regular" relationship. We had only several months to come before we reached our ultimate goal. My last HAPPY memory of us was Valentine's day this year. We made each other Youtube videos and I sent him a package of poems and my baby pictures (which he adores) in the mail. We took time to appreciate each other and reflected on the past 8 months of being together. Four days later on a Friday evening, he broke up with me. He called me on the phone crying miserably and told me he wanted to break up with me. He said he flirted with someone else a few times during the past 1-2 weeks. He said he couldn't be with me when he had feelings for someone else. He said it was emotionally cheating and that he could not forgive himself. It took every bit of courage in me to say "I forgive you.". Since it was my first relationship ever, I did not have experience. I acted on my emotions and impulse. I begged and cried on the phone. I tried reminding him of how far we came along and it was not worth it to end over feelings for an acquaintance, someone whom he barely knows compared to the endless hours of getting to know me over the past year. He was confident in his decision. After the weekend was over, I found out through mutual friends that he established a new relationship the following Monday. I was devastated. He didn't just break my heart, he crushed it. Being dumped for someone else is the ultimate heartbreaker. I know many people may say we are both too young, or distance is unlikely to succeed, or our 8 months wasn't that long compared to others who have been together for years or decades. I know it is incomparable but I believe in quality rather than quantity. Sure, the length of a relationship says a whole lot, but the special bond is just as significant nonetheless. It's been a little over a month since the breakup. We have gone into No-Contact. We attempted to be friends, but after I found out he established a relationship, I didn't want to see pictures/updates of his new romance over my Facebook, so I deleted him. Shortly after he discovered that, he texted me and said "I suppose you don't want to be friends since you deleted me off Facebook. I hope you have a really good life. Good bye!". That was the last time we ever had any contact. It is interesting how I lost a guy, but all of his friends (from Vegas) offer me support. They've been by my side for me to vent and talk to. We discussed many theories about the how's and why's. But in the end, I can honestly say I STILL WANT HIM. The dedication, investment, and love we shared. I knew what we had was genuine and it seemed to have changed almost overnight. My friend tell me the chances are very slim since he is a very stubborn kind of guy. When he makes up his mind, he sticks to it. Our mutual friends talked to him and told me he says he never wants to get back with me. "If it didn't work out once it won't work out again. It's not fair for us to get back together and I have feelings for someone else". The reason he provided for the breakup was "feelings change". He told them he cares about me like a family or friend but no longer with romantic attachment. It has been a month of torture hearing through mutual friends how "HAPPILY IN LOVE" he is now. My feelings for him has not changed though. I understand that I must respect his decision and move on with my life. He has fallen in love with someone else. It's just hard to imagine this outcome would happen given that he told me "I can see myself saying my vows to you someday" just a week or so before the breakup. I honestly believe he meant what he said. My ultimate question is Is it possible that he will initiate contact with me again upon the failure of his new relationship? I know I can't put my life on hold for someone but our past contained only HAPPY memories. The only disadvantage with our relationship was distance (in which he assured me many times that WE can make it work, and that he would not allow anything to get in the way when we are so close to living near each other). He said he felt like he found his soulmate, "The One", his "everything"...and I honestly can only say the same things. This other person also jumped out of their relationship shortly before getting with my boyfriend. They both left their partners to be together. He told this other person "I love you more than you will ever know" and the scary thing is...I was told the same thing less than a month before that. Additional info: The night of the breakup, my boyfriend said very contradicting things. I asked "WHO are you more emotionally AND physically attracted to?" He replied softly "You..". He just insisted that he could not be with me because he developed feelings for another person. It makes this breakup so difficult! He only had one ex before me who emotionally cheated on him as well. Oh, the irony. He said I was the best thing that happened to him. After my last visit during Christmas, he discussed with his mom about getting me a promise ring once I move out to live near him. So you can imagine how serious we were about each other. We are very compatible whether together or apart, and we have said how ideal we are to each other from core values to physical qualities. My friends say it will take a heartbreak for him to realize his mistake of leaving someone he knew loved him for someone he just met. They said one day he'll realize he threw away someone who could've made him the happiest person alive. I guess you can say it's one of the best feelings to say you are the best thing your ex has ever had and its a shame they threw you away. But I am honest with my feelings, and I really pray for a second chance. It goes against his belief of "If it didn't work out once, it won't work out again.". But who's to say we can't start over? Especially since we never had the opportunity to have a relationship within closer proximity. Please share any thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for all your answers in advance! Edited March 30, 2011 by summermemories
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Whatever you typed about your lovey dovey moments with him, these were all in the PAST. If he really did love you that truly, he wouldn't 1. Flirted with someone else in the first 2 weeks when you guys are in Long Distance Rs 2. He wouldn't have feelings for a new person. You may have felt special bond in him, but that was in the PAST, he no longer feel the special bond anymore. You will be so much happier that he stays a stubborn man, because why do you even want a guy who can hurt you so much? Break up with you and then get into a new relationship so fast. Don't become his doormat/spare tyre. Is it possible that he will initiate contact with me again upon the failure of his new relationship? To answer you, it is possible and it is also impossible. Again, why will you want to be with someone who ditch and hurt you, get into a new relationship and if something happened to his now relationship and he came back to look for you. Are you sure you want this kind of indecisive and irresponsible man? He's never serious about you, or if he did, it was all in the PAST. At the present situation, you definitely need to move on...........and away from him. Don't waste more time on him. He's not worth it. Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu
Author summermemories Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 @FuFu: Thank you for your response. It means a lot to have someone point out the reality of it. I can very much agree with you that I DO NOT want someone who can so easily hurt me and give up. But for some reason, I just feel like I sympathize for his circumstances and feel like he made a decision on impulse. What we had was in the past. But it's just so painful because it's almost like carrying a child in your womb, but you miscarry, and don't even know WHEN it happened. I feel like with everything going on with his relocation, he was too weak to resist temptation. It' just a shame that we were so compatible and invested in a future together. I definitely don't want to be doormat, but I just can't seem to stop loving him regardless of the pain that has been inflicted on me. I wish I knew how feelings change so suddenly especially for a long term relationship.
Fufu Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) summermemories: Your most welcome If he really is in confused and doing this in a moment of folly, let him do the actions and talking (sincerest actions) to get back to you. You don't have to feel abandoned, rejected, and depressed over his hurting to you. I was with my ex bf for 3 years, before we went into Long Distance RS as he had to study overseas, our relationship was awesome (Every or most relationships started awesome, great, wonderful) However, when we got into LDR, things started to change. I found out he went out with another girl twice without telling me. I was pretty upset not entirely because he went out with the girl but I was taken aback why he chose not to tell me. Every couples quarrel and fight, this is absolutely normal. Unfortunately, not everyone is strong enough and love strong enough to rectify problems and walk through obstacles together. Me and my ex-bf quarreled over this girl, which seriously I find it so stupid. After he broke up with me, for the next 3 to 5 months, I did what I can to encourage him and convince him, however again and again he put me down, said lots of hurting words and make my world crumble. I come to realise, why am I doing this to myself. I do love my ex-bf alot and to the point we had already bought our engagement rings to be engaged this end of year. However, he chose to let go of me and even though in between there are mixed signals he was sending me that he was confused. I began to realise that if he truly wants to be with me, he wouldn't be sending me mixed signals at all. As much I love him and want to be with him, I just can't bear to hurt myself anymore. We always at one point felt that our ex bf or gf are being confused or they are play games with you, sending us mixed signals. The ugly truth is, we are the one playing games and sending mixed signals to ourselves. Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu
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