Break up of longterm relationship - what do I do?

[Island Boy]

I’m new here and am looking for some advice.

 

My girlfriend of 6 years has broken up with me 3 weeks ago. We’d lived together for 2 years, she is 25 and me 28. She is not happy in our relationship. She feels comfortable but does not want to live with regrets. We met when she was 19, living at home and has not done much independently. She didn’t want to have to deal with breaking up with me in 5-10 years time and regret not experiencing some of life independently. We had been to a couple of weddings recently and she was a bridesmaid for her best friend who is a bit older than us. I think it all scared her a little bit, she has never wanted to get married, we’ve never really discussed, but she says she wished she felt like getting married.

 

We get along really well and have been through a lot of stuff together. Everybody is quite surprised we have broken up incl her best friend.

 

I have supported her emotionally through our relationship however things changed about 2 years ago. I was pricked by a needle in a country prevalent with HIV and hepatitis. I didn’t tell any of the people I was with, freaked out and returned home immediately. I was scared of the stigma associated with these diseases and didn’t tell anyone except for the Ex. I was a wreck but the initial testing came back negative, but it still played heavily on my mind. After a few weeks I started to develop sores around my body and I was sure it was an acute symptom of HIV. I went to the doctor who said it was a staff infection and referred me to a counsellor to deal with the anxiety I was feeling. I didn’t go to see the counsellor, I was not concerned about my mental health, I just didn’t want HIV. I withdrew from my friends and family, just went to work, came home and sat at home and ate. It placed a tremendous amount of strain the Ex who was also in her last year of study. After about 3 months the Ex said she was unhappy and would move back home. We spoke everyday for a couple of weeks and she came back but we never really addressed the underlying issues. We moved into a better place, she finished uni and found a great first job. We went on Holidays etc, but I remained withdrawn from my family and friends and although I wanted my Ex there all the time I wouldn’t engage with her and pushed her away. She told me that I never dealt with the needle issues and what it did to me. I didn't accept that I had didn't have HIV for 6 months after being pricked and never dragged myself out of the slump. I didn't realise the full effect it had on me until after we had broken up.

 

Despite this our relationship felt flat but comfortable. I thought it was just the ebb and flow of a long term relationship. She has said that she has been unhappy for sometime but really didn’t know how to tell me. I said I was disappointed that she didn’t raise any issues with me previously and instead let things build up. She acknowledged that she could have raised the issues.

 

Although it all came suddenly, it ended quite amicably. I understand and respect her decision and really just want both of us to be happy. This is what I’ve told her. I have told her that I need this space to re-establish myself and be happy in myself, which I have been working on. I’ve re-engaged with my friends, gone to see counselling, got myself fit again and bought some new clothes to make myself feel better. I really do feel happier than I did a month ago, but I miss the Ex so much.

 

We have spoken a couple of times over the phone, I’ve called her, just to chat. She has been quite upset at times and says she needs some space which I’m respecting. I know she is missing me, which is only natural after 6 years together, but she seems determined to break up with me and maintains a cold front. I have not tried to change her mind as I don't want to make things any harder for her.

 

She’s gone overseas to visit some mutual friends for the week and will be returning in a few days. She said she is going to call when she gets back to sort out all of our joint furniture. Part of me feels like I do not want to see her, and will just sort the furniture myself because I’ve come so far in healing myself and meeting will just set me back. Another part of me wants to show her the changes I’ve made in my life and remind her what we had. I've suggested that I just sort the apartment, but she says she wants to help.

 

I just miss having her as my best mate. What do you think I should do?

[Fufu]

I can understand being in a long-term relationship and when it doesn't work out can be very heart wrenching.

 

Your ex gf based on what you typed, sounded like a person who doesn't know what she wants in life.

 

if she's your Right one, you don't have to do much and maybe she will come to realise it and do something in both words and ACTIONS to be with you again.

 

At the meantime, start NC (No Contact) and become your self-healing journey.

 

It's time to think for yourself FIRST.

[Island Boy]

An update on what has been going on.

My Ex did not call me when she got back as she said she ould so we could sort the apratment out. She got back last Tuesday. I waited until Friday to call her. She said that she was sorry that she didn't call but that she had been really busy. I suspect she is pretty upset and was putting off the phone call.

 

I said that's fine but I just want to get the apartment all sorted. I said it's dragging on a bit and I just want to be able to move on with my life. I think this upset her a bit, she started to cry. We arranged to meet up last night (Monday).

 

She didn't turn up. I tried to call her once but she did not answer. She then sent me a text saying that she only just remembered that we were supposed to meet up and apologised. She said she can come by on Wednesday. I replied with a text, 'Wednesday is fine'.

 

I don't think she would be likely to forget these things. I know she will be upset, but I really want to get these things resolved amicably. I miss and care for her alot but if our relationship is over I just want to get these things resolved so that I can continue to move on and heal.

 

Playing these games with me just gets my mind racing: maybe she is having second thoughts, maybe she is seeing someone else and feels guilty. But I think she is just having trouble dealing with it.

 

I'd really appreciate some advice.

[zakfar]

Maybe you're taking it all wrong. This break-up has nothing to do with your HIV problem. It is directly associated with her 'Good Job'. She has established and maybe you're too low for her now. May be she still loves you, but your previous behavior, and change in behavior had started to make her feel that she shouldn't let herself drown with you.

 

Don't take her wrong here. I don't know what kind of relationship you used to have. But you need to better watch yourself from her eyes. Try to think from her perspective. You might find out somethings that you are unaware right now.

 

If you are going to meet now, you should talk to her openly. You can tell her that, you are already broken, and the relationship is already ended, so why doesn't she tell you the actual reason of this break up. She would take some time to tell you. If she tells you, don't try to defend yourself. Let her say openly what's that. After the meeting, think about that and see if you can make the remedies. You can't push/pull someone in a relationship. You can only work them out if both of you are interested.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

[Shootttt]

From my experience of a 5 year break up, everytime that I talked or meet with her, all it did was put me back into a hole, always thinking stressing about her it's wasn't good. Leave it, take the pain move on.