SectorStar Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 So I'm 22 and have High functioning autism. Not sure how many people are aware of what it is, its not the same as mentally retarted. I have a normal IQ, I can drive a car, I've maintained a job at Costco for almost a year now, and am extremely gifted when it comes to electronics and computers. My only problem is that I'm not good with complicated things like algebra, hence why I dropped out of college after my scholarship expired last June because failing the same math class for 3 years kept me from getting a degree in ANYTHING due to it being a required class. I've only had one girl friend in real life back in 2006, but it didn't work, dumped me for someone else who she dumped a month later and I think she had like 2 boy friends a month after that, probably just one of those girls in it for money and not love. I've had a few long distance relationships, my last one was a girl from North Carolina (I live in Oregon). I know the distance is far, but we got to talk online almost everyday, sent eachother things in the mail for days like birthday, xmas, valentines day, anniversaries, etc. We also talked on the phone a lot at night, so we almost forgot we lived so far away sometimes. Last November was our 2 year aniversary. Beings I had gotten a job I wanted to pay to let her come visit for a couple weeks, well that didn't work out. Long story short this guy kept hitting on her and leaving racy comments on her facebook and supposedly at one time "molested" her, but now I have my doubts because as of December I found out shes now pregnant with his twins, so thats the end of that obviously. I decided maybe I should try to find someone in real life to date beings the long distance maybe wasn't the best. I tried dating sites like okcupid.com but I hardly found anyone that actually lived in my city, and the few it did find either wouldn't respond back or hadn't logged in for 2 years or more. A girl at work told me about plentyoffish.com. I had used the site YEARS ago when it first came out but found it pretty useless beings it was new and unheard of at the time, but I thought I'd give it another shot. It was almost the same deal as okcupid, few girls in my area. I finally found a girl who was 18 and we started talking a lot. I know some people might think thats pushing it with me being 22, but technically she is legal, and its been 5 years since I got to go on a date in real life so I thought I'd give it a shot. I tried telling her about my autism but I'm not sure if she really understood it. I have really bad problems with making eye contact with people I'm not comfortable with at first, but I guess I forgot to mention that to her while explaining to her that I was autistic. I picked her up and we went to a movie than I took her home. Apparently she thought beings I wasn't looking at her much that she thought she musta looked bad or something. That really tore my heart up knowing that I made a girl think she looked bad. A couple days went by and we hung out one more time, she told me later that day that she felt no connection between us and didn't even wanna be friends. I found out later that night she lied about her age too, she wasn't 18, she was 17, JUST turned 17 last month. I guess its for the better that she doesn't wanna be friends and acts like I don't exist because with a job and everything I don't need to be getting in trouble for things like that. Still kinda disgusts me though that my first date in 5 years was with a minor who is barely older than my 16 year old sister. After her though...I've learned that my autism is defently getting in the way of being able to make eye contact with girls I'm not comfortable with at first...and with autistic people having bad social skills as well, I fear I don't have it in me to go out other than online and try to meet people. I mean 5 years without going on any dates in real life or even knowing what it felt like to be hugged or held....whats another 5 years gonna do...I lived that long right?...Anyways I have to leave for work soon and won't be back till later tonight...I guess maybe this went on for longer than what I intended too, but I saw a link to this site when trying to read about autism and relationships so I thought I'd see what people would say about my situation. Until I come back from work I guess, thank you to anyone who atleast takes the time to read all this.
curlygirl40 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Hi SectorStar! I have a son with Asperger's syndrome (like high functioning Autism), and a now ex husband that I believe has it as well but was never diagnosed. I'm going to try to chime in here. Oh, and first, when you type please include paragraphs so it's much easier for people to read. Your post was hard to read. Have you ever been in any sort of counseling to help with some of the challenges of your HFA? My son was in therapy for a handful of years and it helped him a lot. He needed help making eye contact, help with handling his anger, and help with his social skills. In my opinion, and my experience with my son, many of the challenges that you mentioned can be overcome. You can learn to have better social skills. You can learn what you should be doing in certain situations. It may never be easy for you to look people in the eyes at first, but you might be able to learn how to do it without feeling uncomfortable. I think the problem my son has with girls is that he can't tell when they are no longer interested in him. This is a big problem. I suspect the opposite is true. You may have girls at work who are interested but you might not be picking up on their social cues. Or there may be girls you're interested in, but they aren't at all interested and it's hard for you to read them. Then if you come on strong girls may be put off by it. My advice to you would be to do some reading on it, find a support group, find a therapist, etc. This is something that will follow you for a long time if you don't learn how to handle day to day social situations. My ex was like this and he had a lot of anxiety and it was very hard for him (and for me!) as he got older because he started counting on me for everything, starting avoiding social situations, got angry at me for all sorts of things because he was anxious. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying do something about it now. Go to Amazon.com and search some of the books. Read as much as you can about it. Either High Functioning Autism or Asperger's Syndrome, read about it all. Get help. Learn what you need to learn to make yourself more comfortable in social situations and with girls. Social skills can be learned!! Those of us that never had to struggle with it don't realize how basic it can be. My son will ask me very simple questions still. Just a few years ago he couldn't tell when I was angry or when I was being sarcastic. Now he can tell. He had to learn that. Before if I said something simple like 'great!', he couldn't tell if I meant it like 'dammit!' or like 'yay!'. He's MUCH better now with things like this. The fact that you're aware of it and aware of the challenges you face is a HUGE start. You'll meet someone someday. Keep at it. Keep learning about yourself, find a support group if you can. Maybe there are some meetup groups in your area, have you checked that website? www.meetup.com. It's where people with common interests (you mentioned electronics and computers) get together. That might be a good place to meet people and practice your social skills with no pressure of a date. Aspergers and High Functioning Autism has been getting lots of play lately on TV. The Amazing Race right now has a team with one guy who has Aspergers (Zev), and also American Idol has a contestant on this year with Aspergers (James Durbin). If you meet a girl and decide to mention your HFA, you could throw that out there and chances are good she has seen James on American Idol and then she'll be able to relate some maybe, or at least has heard of it before. Or think you're cool cuz you're like him. The big thing is to not think you are limited by this. You're probably smarter than many of the kids your age (my son's IQ is off the charts) but probably just socially quirky. We ALL have our quirks. Don't let it define you. Be aware of them. Get some help. Live your life. Best of luck to you!!
curlygirl40 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Oh and also, have you looked into a job in computers or electronics? Maybe a traditional college wasn't working for you but you are wasting yourself at Costco! I'm sure if you're interested in computers or electronics you'll thrive in one of those fields. Maybe a tech school would be better?? Here's an interesting article about Aspergers and the field of IT: http://www.computerworld.com/s/article/9072119/Asperger_s_and_IT_Dark_secret_or_open_secret_ Do you know that many people suspect Bill Gates has Asperger's?? Google it. Don't limit yourself to Costco just because a traditional college didn't work for you!!
Thedude22 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Honestly (and this will get rained down upon by others) but I would just go out and get yourself a nice, high class prostitute. Someone who has experience getting people over their fears of women and sex. I've heard of people doing that and it works a heck of a lot better than therapy. I know I was super high strung about sex until I lost my virginity (not a prostitute haha). Now I really don't care about it all that much and I don't worry about it every day. I know it's frowned upon but it can really really help some socially awkward people. It's almost medicinal for people like that. Once you do it you can move on with your life and start to feel comfortable around women.
Author SectorStar Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I'm not sure how I'm "wasting" away at costco considering I'm making over 12 bucks an hour, well above minimum wage here in Oregon (8 something) working PART TIME with insurance, benefits, and 401 K. Most people in Oregon don't even have a job and I worked my butt off to get that job. As for tech schools that out of the question, I looked into it when I failed math for the 3rd time in a row, you still need that level of math to get into those schools. As long as I can't pass math I have no hope for a degree with computers, and I'm not going to suddenly just figure it out one day. Autism isn't something that goes away over time and my brain can't handle that complicated stuff.
P&R Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Asberghers(sp?) has something to do with the inabillity to feel empathy, correct?
one goal Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Don't feel bad. I've failed elementary algebra 3 times! Well dropped twice and failed once. math pisses me off!
curlygirl40 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Sorry I wasn't saying that you could make more money or that you had a lame job, I just thought doing something you REALLY enjoyed would be more fulfilling for you.
curlygirl40 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Asberghers(sp?) has something to do with the inabillity to feel empathy, correct? That's one piece of it, for sure. Although my son has a lot of empathy for animals but yet not as much for people.
OliveOyl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Sorry I wasn't saying that you could make more money or that you had a lame job, I just thought doing something you REALLY enjoyed would be more fulfilling for you. Not sure why you picked out his job at Costco... he didn't mention anything about being unsatisfied with it, and for your info, the unemployment rate in Oregon is still hovering around 10%, so I think it's EXCELLENT he has a job there with that pay rate. Anyway back to the original thread... From what I understand, the online environment is a good way to initiate friendships and relationships for HFA/Asperger's people since eye contact is not necessary. Also I second the recommendation for meetups, like curlygirl40 mentioned. There are meetups for so many different topics/interests... from computers to Aspergers to hiking, etc. Good luck!
Recommended Posts