My Story ( support needed)

[SlowBlues]

My ex and I were in a relationship for just under a year and a half. I am 25 and she is 23. We were both madly in love, her being my first love and she told me that I'm her first "real" love, though she's told other bf's in the past that she loved them. Anyways over the course of our year and a half she has been away for a lot of it. She spent 3 months overseas on exchange, 2 months away at summer camp and since September has been away at school doing a Masters program 2 hours away. I'm the first to admit that doing the long distance thing is not easy but we seemed to make it work and stayed madly in love throughout the process.

 

Anyways about a month and a half ago I began going through a tough time. I have struggled with depression and low self-esteem for much of my life and was having issues with a new job breaking into a new industry. I ended up becoming really depressed and quitting the job after a week and questioning myself and my abilities as well as where the future was for me career wise. She was supportive of me throughout this process but I was really sad and became distant. It's not that I meant to distance myself I was just so depressed and down on myself that I couldn't give her my full effort and love like I had been. I was slowly starting to come around when I started noticing that she was becoming distant herself. Conversations were cut short and there were less "I love yous" being exchanged.

 

One night I finally decided to bring it up. I asked "Are you okay?" and she said "No, I'm not happy right now.". I asked what she meant and she said "I'm not happy right now in this relationship, I don't think I'm getting enough from you." She suggested that she thought we needed "a break". She needed time away to be by herself and she thought that I could use the same. Obviously I was completely crushed by this. She was the one thing that was keeping me together and then she took that all away from me. When I asked what she meant by "a break" she said, "I don't know, maybe we just need to not talk for a while and figure things out." She has decisions to make about which law school to attend as well as starting a new job over the summer, and I don't think she felt that I could be there for her in the process. She said that she still loves me and that's what makes this so hard.

 

I took it really hard. Obviously I felt so sorry for making her feel the way she did, and she knew that I didn't mean to make her feel that way but she was still unhappy. I told her that I respected her decision and would give her the space she needed while we both figured things out. I started to be in denial of this during the first week of the breakup though. I never called or texted but once a day I would see her on facebook chat and say hi and ask about her day. She seemed different and distant, obviously because I was not giving her space. I never pleaded or begged but I did tell her that I missed her and still love her and that this is so hard for me.

 

Finally I realized after a week of this that I was going to feel 100x worse everytime I spoke to her and that I had absolutely no self-restraint on facebook. Everytime I saw her online I'd want to talk to her. So I decided to unfriend her and sent her an email telling her why I did it and wishing her well. It's been 17 days of strict NC ever since then.

 

I seriously can't cope though, it's made me even more depressed and I can't stop thinking about her every second. I know that I screwed up and that maybe a break could provide some perspective but I can't help but think that it's really just a prelude to a break up. Things have been going okay in my career search and I'm making strides to break out of the funk. But my problem is that I am doing all these things in hopes that it will make me look better in her eyes and so that she'll take me back.

 

I know that a break is supposed to be meant for one to focus on themselves and I have no doubts that she is doing just that. But I remain so heartbroken and confused and am wondering what everyone here's take is on the situation. I know that the strict NC was that best decision and I am resisting all urges to contact her but I am finding it impossible to come to terms with "moving on". Everything seems to be about her and it shouldn't be.

 

I need some advice and support on what to do here. Each day keeps getting worse and its driving me crazier and crazier. I know that this is the girl I want to be with but I can't seem to cope or move on or think about myself.

[Empath]

Your break up is almost identical to mine, so much so that it was difficult to read. Despite that, I feel that I'm beginning to move on. But I know exactly what you are feeling. My main points would be the following:

 

It's not that I meant to distance myself I was just so depressed and down on myself that I couldn't give her my full effort and love like I had been

 

It sounds like you are digging too deeply for your own faults, regrets and short-comings. Downers happen to everyone, they are part of life. I'm sure she's had hers too. Stop judging yourself too harshly!

 

Obviously I felt so sorry for making her feel the way she did, and she knew that I didn't mean to make her feel that way but she was still unhappy

 

She took a break from you. Not the other way around. If she really felt as badly as you seem to think, she would have bridged her feelings and not pulled herself away. Don't get me wrong, she obviously cares and is going through her own introspective process, but realize that if you want this to happen you will need to level your own insecurities and pain. In short, let her figure herself out, and take care of your own pain.

 

I seriously can't cope though, it's made me even more depressed and I can't stop thinking about her every second. I know that I screwed up and that maybe a break could provide some perspective but I can't help but think that it's really just a prelude to a break up.

 

This is the root cause of your suffering. The anticipation will kill you (figuratively speaking). You will need to accept that it may lead to just that. Obviously its not something you can just decide on the spot. But in order to survive this, you will need to come to terms that it may be over -- for good.

 

But my problem is that I am doing all these things in hopes that it will make me look better in her eyes and so that she'll take me back.

 

Its very hard to let go. But try and take small steps everyday towards accepting this end. Gradually expand your independance, social life and try and digest a breakup reality piece by piece.

 

I am finding it impossible to come to terms with "moving on". Everything seems to be about her and it shouldn't be.

 

Do not expect miracles overnight, 17 days is not a long time. There are many people who ride the wave for months and years. For now, set goals in your life that are independant of her. Force yourself to face your fears gradually and be easy on yourself.

 

Each day keeps getting worse and its driving me crazier and crazier

 

I know the feeling. Ultimately it will begin to subside. I know that my words may have been of little consolation, but you me it sounds like anticipation and regret are tearing you up far more than "being alone" actually is. Remove the anticipation, the gruding wait, the expectation and you will be able to heal.

[SlowBlues]

Your words definitely help. I've been reading these forums a lot lately and they've given me a lot of insight into breakups and coping. I felt that I needed to write this down so I can be accountable and to share my story with others because I know that there are definitely a number of people on this site with similar stories who can offer even the littlest piece of advice on how to deal with the issues.

 

I have no plans to break NC but do you think that she's going to contact me eventually? I know she's supposed to move back to the same city to start work once school is done in about 3 weeks. But to me a break means that eventually a connection is going to be re-established in some capacity. Obviously the onus is on her at this point to contact me should she want to.

[Empath]

In my experience they do -- eventually call back. Half the time they seem to just want to legitimately catch up, and half the time they are in distress to some degree.

 

90% of the time I'm no longer willing to negotiate when this happens however.

 

Sometimes they never call back.

 

With regards to this being a break, ask yourself what the difference between a breakup and a break is in your context? Are you still exclusive?

 

I suppose what I'm saying is that it may be healthier to accept it as a breakup. Most people on here will urge you to forget closure, but that may or may not be possible.

[SlowBlues]

It's one of those things where she just kind said the word "break", but when I asked her what she meant she said she genuinely didn't know. All she knew was that we needed time apart. We are certainly not in a relationship anymore, and we never discussed any terms of the break, other than just being apart for a while. She did emphasize that she wanted to focus on herself, and said she didn't want to be with anyone right now. So I know that she isn't out there looking for someone else. She's not the kind of girl that would just jump into another relationship or randomly hook up with guys. In that sense I feel some comfort but the main discomfort I feel is that the time she spends by herself she may realize that she's happier without me. For that reason I know that I need to accept this as a break up and take steps to move on with my life in the physical sense. But emotionally I know I'm not ready to move on, and I won't be completely able to until I get some closure in the form of contact from her, whenever that may be.

 

It's just a really weird situation because it just kinda happened and we never really hashed out what a "break" meant other than time apart. It's the lack of answers that constantly drives me nuts.

[IfiKnewThen]

slowblues

 

i am sorry i am so slow in getting back to you. i have been somewhat kinda down lately for different reasons...death of a dear friend and other things i have to address. and i get distracted or temporarily busy.

 

anyway, i do like to keep my promises.

 

anyway, i don't want to digress any further.

 

unfortunately, this situation sounds kinda of classic..in the sense, that you are both relatively young, either studying or searching for careers and even searching for identities, in the world at large. distance and busy schedules...all of this demands, quality time with each other at the end of the day, whenever you can get it.

 

you are NOT to blame. on your side of it, you got depressed and couldn't keep up with the relationship from a depressed stand point. we cant help it when we become depressed . its common to become withdrawn and more lifeless or even selfish or moody from frustration and confusion. so the relationship does suffer. when one is depressed there is NOT enough energy to go around. the things and people we feel "safe" with, are usually the ones to we neglect, because we trust we don't have to put the energy into them...we think they "understand". sometimes they do. or like i said we feel we can trust they wont reject us. sometimes problems go on for a long time and things don't resolve themselves so quickly and before you know it BAM, we see we have reached that persons we loved and trusted, threshold.

 

some partners have more to give than others and are more compassionate and tolerant. some have their own stresses and cant bare the weight. or just arent equipped to bare weight period. that is WHY communication from our partners....(not nagging or blame) is so important.

 

she said lets take a break, just when your cloud was starting to finally lift a little. its quite a shame she didn't say anything that resembled: "look, i love you, but the weight of this is too much for me. either you get proactive and put real energy into our relationship and let this relationship uplift you, or i wont survive being with you..it will be the end of us"

 

i know that sounds like an ultimatum and you might not have liked that, ...especially when you are depressed. but it likely would've have snapped you out of it. i am pretty sure the alternative is what she did, silently withdrawing herself more and more, and then...breaktime.

 

instead you get hints...less i love you's, less engaged. and like i said, breaktime with no clear cut indications what that means. no boundaries, no time limits, definitions, nothing. limbo.

 

of course you feel anxiety from that. who would'nt?? you seem to be utilizing your time well for yourself though and that is very smart. you have to keep your head about you even with your heart breaking. but the half of you is over 'there" with her mentally and emotionally...hoping. that's what we do when we are in limbo. its like an out of body experience. its hard to feel completely whole.

 

its hard, i know. but even if you didn't get depressed, you and she had other things going on. with her is was getting a masters, working at camp....exchange student. and all this in 1 and 1/2 years time. she IS young and you are her first love. so many young men and women during this age want to explore the world..and think they dont want to be tied down right away.. and look towards careers, time out with friends, etc. this could have been GIGS and when you got sad, it could have been just a convenient exit for her. maybe she was feeling pressure at school work, whatever. and there's all that distance in only one &1/2 years time too.

 

it sounds like she didn't want to completely burn her bridges with you though, so she said break not break up. she may want to go back with you bit after a bit over time or may not. has it been about a month or more now total N/C ? has she come back to your city yet?

 

i know how hard it was for you to see her on fb or whatever (I HOPE I AM not getting my wires crossed , i am tired), i know any contact is downright awkward and painful..but i think you ARE entitled to some answers. i know you don't want to press her ...but if she could just elaborate more on what was the time limit supposed to be on this break and like the other poster said, are you still exclusive? but pretty much N/C terminates things more.

 

maybe some semi-friendly dialog should be opened up, so that you can finally say, how you've felt. (about being depressed back then, and not having this break defined at all by her...and leaving you out on a limb.

 

if there is friendly dialog opened up, it may flow and you 2 naturally join up again without major discussion about how you've been feeling till you 2 are closer again. who knows.

 

and if she outright just tells you or shows you, it is completely over, then tell her you feel hijacked/left up in the air and it was highly unfair of her to play it that way by closing you out of everything. breaks can make people think on things and that can be good. real amicable, sound, breaks...not break ups. but there should be some bridges...talking civil and some warmth to hold you together. (just thinking out loud here)

 

but if you don't run into her and she doesn't talk to you and you don't talk to her..there is a stale mate. why can she know what is going on in her head and what she wants and you not know and keep hoping. its the acceptance that helps heal in the end. hope is good in life in general...but in some cases, if its false hope, it just slows ups down

 

again, you have to be strong to be ready for any communication. mentally prepared as you can be. that doesn't mean you wont fall apart temporarily again after communication but its like facing your fears and the unknown. it may rattle you but you need answers and have to face the fears. or you can tell yourself the answer is its over and no hope and go in that direction.

 

you have to ask yourself how important is this all to you (for now). what kind of communication can you live with or live without. maybe its time to get back in control control is not always N/C in the beginning. N/C is ultimate control in the end, when you did it all i think. but maybe open the lines of communication, so you can have your say and count in this too. but dont fight or argue. dont do that!

 

thats all i have got for you

 

sorry long

 

by the way you got some pretty good advise from all the other posters here too;) and good luck

[SlowBlues]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply IKT. Yes it has been about 5 weeks of strict NC and as far as I know she is not back in the city yet. I know that personally I am far removed from the depression and uncertainty I was feeling that led to her feeling neglected. I have taken this time to focus on myself and many positive things have happened in my life as a result. My career goals are back on track and I'm just feeling like myself again in general.

 

Having said that I have received advice from close friends and my sister to remain in NC and continue to work on myself. Only once I am feeling like I'm really stable and on a good path should the lines of communication be opened up. Maybe by then we will have run into each other or she may contact me. I have to prepare myself for those situations should they come up. At this point I think I am still too vulnerable in my feelings towards her and I could end up hurting myself worse by trying to communicate. I may not end up getting the "closure" that I've wanted since she uttered those words to me.

 

So for now I will remain in limbo with regards to her while continuing to focus on myself. The future is very uncertain and I need to not let that uncertainty get the best of me and keep pushing forward. Eventually I may feel like I'm fully ready to reconnect and deal with the consequences of it. But until then I just need to keep making positive things happen for myself, not because I want to get her back but because I need to be confident and comfortable with myself before I can entertain a relationship with anyone period at this point. It hurts like hell. Waking up in the morning is torture and she remains in my dreams. But it is what it is at this point. I hope I'm a better person after all of this.

 

Again thanks so much for the support. I'll be sure to update should my situation change but I don't see that happening for the next while.

[IfiKnewThen]

well thats a good solid decision than. stay N/C!!

 

[SlowBlues]

IKT. I have done some rethinking of things over the last day and am back to considering reaching out. I wanted to get your thoughts on a mock email i've written up but I would rather not post it here on the forum. Is there another way I can reach you to hear your thoughts on what I've come up with?

[IfiKnewThen]

sure, no problem. do you see the PM (private message) section, next to my name or profile on here. there should be three "tabs" that look like a file. one is headed "about me" one is headed "statistics" and the other is called "contact info". hit contact info and send a private message

[SlowBlues]

Don't see it. I don't think i have posted enough to receive PM privileges yet on this site. I also don't want to post my email here. Hmm...