Jay_83 Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 Hi Guys, Ok Low down here, After 4 serious relationships and quite a lot more 'ahem' Fun relationships I'm stuck on a major decision which may change my entire life. Now out of the 4 serious relationships that i've had (All over 1 year long) i've had the same problem with 3 of them. Trust. I let 2 of them go because they were having feelings for other people (I told them to decide between me, or the 'new guy'. Both chose the new guy But came back after a few months where I didn't take them back The 3rd died in a tragic accident And the 4th was just a complete mind bender, but enough about that. Basically a girl/women i've been in contact with for over 2 years has asked me if i'd consider being in a relationship with her. Now this girl is EVERYTHING that I want in a relationship, she's fun to be around, caring and I already trust her fully. She knows all my secrets, as I do her. To sum it up she's the kind of person that I would honestly be happy spending the rest of my life with. She's head over heels for me and i've recently found out she's had a crush on me since we first met 3 years ago But the big problem, while she's everything I ever want, I'm don't have the 'GRRR' attraction that i've had with all my other female encounters. She's not a bad looking girl, i'm just worried that I'm not attracted to her looks, but am attracted to the person inside. Which is why I need to ask it is time I grow up? I'm worried that if i let her pass by it will be the biggest mistake of my life I know looks arn't everything but i really need to know what you guys think Thanks in advance, Jay_83
AlwaysHope Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 you are lucky if you've really found someone who you love for the person that she is. physical attraction can grow from emotional attraction. as you fall in love with this person, you will fall in love with everything about her, and she will become the most beautiful person in the world to you. remember that beauty fades, but the inside is forever. if i were you, i would go with it. a happy emotional life will be a lot more fulfilling in the end than a physical or sexual one. good luck!
2SidestoStories Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 Now this girl is EVERYTHING that I want in a relationship, she's fun to be around, caring and I already trust her fully. She knows all my secrets, as I do her. I think the answer lies right here, if you were speaking from your heart. You may well find that if you were to allow yourself to get involved with this lady, you'll end up being so completely head over heels with her that you won't even know what hit you. My suggestion, though, is to really sit yourself down and sort through what you REALLY want. If you really believe you're ready to give a relationship with her a go, then certainly do not let this opportunity slide by. If you're not sure, then there is absolutely no reason for you to hurt her. Trust your heart; it won't lead you wrong.
Author Jay_83 Posted April 3, 2004 Author Posted April 3, 2004 Thanks guys, What you've said means a lot. I was just a bit scared that maybe because the 'lust' factor isn't there that the relationship would be a disaster. I'd rather have her as a friend than lose her completely. I think a main problem in the decision is my friends. A lot of them are quite nieve and make pathetic comments even when I speak to a girl they don't class as "fit" on a night out. I guess i'm the first to grow up
gaia Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 I'm not sure whether this is a "lust" problem or whether you are more troubled by what your friends think. If you have very strong feelings for someone, you would normally want to get physical with them, even if you can rationally think that they're not the best looking person in the world. I wouldn't give a rat's arse what your friends think. If you like her, go for it. If the sexual attraction factor is missing completely, I'm not so sure.
Author Jay_83 Posted April 3, 2004 Author Posted April 3, 2004 I'm sexually attracted to her, that ain't no problem! I just don't look at her and get butterflies! I've had a decent run of stunning looking girls IMO......someone was def on my side! The problem is that she isn't amazingly attractive, or amazingly ugly. It's just her! I guess i'm just finding it strange because i don't look at her and think "She's Gorgeous"....but i think she is inside :S It's all too complicated
mb2cute Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 I have to say, i married a person whom i was not butterfly feeling over. I totatlly was attracted to him, but it grew on me as i got to know him. He is a good looking person, but not necessarily what i would call sexual attraction. So now we are married and i find myself with the problem you are worried of having I am not as attracted to him as other men, and i find my eye wondering to the guys i find as hot. Like I said, he is attractive, but i never felt that lust for him. So in my opinion of experience, i think that feeling in the beginning is important. At least a good amount of attraction/lust for the person or later you might be finding yourself with interests in other people. Wishing she looking this way or that. I know it sounds shallow, and maybe time to grow up. But it's the truth, that feeling really needs to be there to guarantee a long time completly satisfying relationship that can sustain a good sex life, which can be hard if your not lusting after her even now.
midori Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 Originally posted by Jay_83 I'm sexually attracted to her, that ain't no problem! I just don't look at her and get butterflies! I guess i'm just finding it strange because i don't look at her and think "She's Gorgeous"....but i think she is inside :S I'm a big believer in chemistry. Your posts are rather confusing -- you say that you are physically attracted to her, but not as much as you have been to other girls you've been with. Let's try to break it down a bit: Are you attracted to her: yes or no? (don't try to qualify it beyond that, just yes or no) Do you enjoy her company: yes or no? Do you trust her and believer her to be a generally good person? If you've answered "yes" to those three questions, I'd say that perhaps the reason you don't have butterflies with her as you have had in the past is because a) you know that she's into you (often the butterflies are nerves when you're not entirely sure where you stand with the other person, and b) because she knows you rather well and likes you anyway (again, butterflies can ensue when one gets nervous about showing the dopey/annoying/weird sides of one's personality -- sure, they like the good parts, but will they like the whole package?). So if you've answered yes, I'd say go for it. You'll probably find that she just looks better and better, instead of having her attractivness fade over time (as often happens when one acts simply on lust w/o knowing anything about the other person). As for your friends, would you be dating her to please them -- or to please yourself?
moimeme Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 I just don't look at her and get butterflies! 'Butterflies' are generally a sign of infatuation, not of love. At least a good amount of attraction/lust for the person or later you might be finding yourself with interests in other people. Wishing she looking this way or that. I know it sounds shallow, and maybe time to grow up. But it's the truth, that feeling really needs to be there to guarantee a long time completly satisfying relationship that can sustain a good sex life, which can be hard if your not lusting after her even now. I honestly do not get this. Maybe I'm wierd. Lust does not originate in the eyes, for me, other than to recognize that the person is somebody I care about. I can lust mightily for someone who's not model-gorgeous and be left cold by someone who is. We had a thread here the other day about attractive bits of people - I can honestly say that I've found something attractive about everybody I've cared about. There can't be a man or woman alive who doesn't possess one very attractive feature. The other thing I've found is that people who you think you might have chemistry with can leave you cold and others can really set off the sparks when you get down to brass tacks. If you haven't kissed her, do it. You may find the room ablaze.
gaia Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Lust does not originate in the eyes Absolutely. Not for me either. You should see some of the people I've lusted after! Does this hold for men, though? There has been a lot of talk about men being more visual. Can a man lust after someone he does not immediately find attractive? I'm curious.
Author Jay_83 Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 I answered yes to all 3 of the questions When looking back at all the times I have had butterflies it's been a case of "There isn't a chance of me getting that girl!" so your explanation does ring some bells. This is the first time someone's actually come after me!......and with force!
Renny_H Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 I’ve had this problem. Not knowing if I should settle for a girl who I’m compatible with, but never gave me butterflies. You get to know a great girl who’s not visually appealing and you think if you let her go because you want a better-looker, you might regret it. It all depends if you’re desperate to settle, if you believe you won’t find another (read: more gorgeous) girl with the same personality. I’d take the risk and look elsewhere, find what you want. You only live once, so fulfil your desires. I think lust is important initially. It’s not everything, but you need a little bit (if you’re a guy at least). While beauty does fade, as will jealousy if this girl you like ends up with someone else. Dump her if you’re worried. You might end up changing your mind and hurting her.
Karlise Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 I lost someone years ago, who I still think about from time to time. We were the best of friends. Nobody made me laugh harder than him. He was smart, funny, outgoing, gregarious and he loved me to pieces. I dissed him because of his looks. Later, I realized I'd made a terrible mistake. I was dating a really hot guy who was nothing more than a pretty package. After hours of listening to Mr Hottie's mindless drivel, I realized I missed and wanted my friend. I missed him so much, it tore a massive hole in my soul. That's how it felt. I was in physical PAIN over losing him. I tried to get him back but he wanted nothing to do with me. I'd hurt him too badly. The regret of 'what could have been' is the worst thing in the world. Spare yourself that. Look if things don't work with this girl, at least you gave it a fair shot. True love grows over time. Lust can happen with the one who doesn't give you butterflies at first glance. I'm with a man now who I didn't go hog wild for until 6 months into our relationship I liked him and thought he was a great person, so Igave it a shot. Now I'm so happy I did Good luck
Uno Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 i agree 100% with mb2cute. dont go with a relationship if u dont think she doesnt look that good. cause it wont last that long and u'll find yourself cheating on her or something
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