PeachInGeorgia Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Okay, I'm not new to the wonderful online world, but I am new here. So, please forgive my future and forthcoming faux pas as I learn to navigate LS appropriately. Here's the deal -- I seem to be quite unable to accept my current relationship at face value. Ugh, yes, I know. After a very painful marriage of eight years, in which I suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a truly unstable xH, I extricated myself from that unhealthy relationship -- over a year ago now. Yay, right? Yes, yay. However, what do I do with the baggage from that marriage? I certainly don't want a fully-matched set of ex-marital luggage that includes insecurity, neediness, wariness and the Great Wall of China. Seriously, I know I'm allowed only one carry-on and have to pay for checked bags now. Now, I've met someone. A really, really (yes, really) GREAT someone who is actually as he appears to be -- one of the good guys. Is he perfect? Of course not. Yet, we are quite suitably matched and seem to be able to communicate, laugh, fuss (and move forward), snuggle and spend time together in an affable manner. Plus, we do have that thing called "chemistry". So, what's my deal? What's with the incessant mental self-conversation, "I know we spend quite a bit of time together, but is it for real?" and "Gee, I hope that he doesn't pull a 180 on me and turn out to be a total wanker," and even "Seriously, can he truly want us to have a future?" UGH. Prior to my previous marriage, I was Miss Uber-Confident. I had ZERO self-defeating thoughts in prior relationships. I knew I was a good catch and had no problem believing it. How do I work through the issues of my battered self-esteem without sending my new beau off in a screaming hissy? All advice welcome.
Cee Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 It's going to take time to recover from an abusive marriage, so keep working on yourself. Do things that make you feel healthy and strong like working your job, taking care of your body, feeding your spirit, and spending quality time with friends. This might sound totally nuts, but I have a small piece of advice. I treat my brain like a cranky child. Sometimes I tell myself to take a nap or go outside when the thoughts get too strong. Stop thinking and just keep living - the best way you know how.
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 How do I work through the issues of my battered self-esteem without sending my new beau off in a screaming hissy? You try the best you can. And if you fail too hard, you explain it to him.
Author PeachInGeorgia Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Thank you, both, for taking the time to respond. I did try to tell my brain to take a nap today, but my brain thinks it's too old for nap time. Day by day. That's what I can do.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Perhaps this is not as encouraging as you would like it to be but 5 years out from a terrible abusive marriage I still struggle with the same things from time to time. That's AFTER two years of therapy. (I should probably go back.) I have found that acknowledging the thought out loud to my partner (when I have one) works well. It makes it seem sort of silly and inconsequential. It also helps my partner to understand me and my reactions to things better. I mean, one guy was just joking around and moved his arm too fast and I hit the floor and curled up in a ball. How do you explain that one!?! My best strategy was to simply communicate everything that went through my head in the moment. A truly good one will listen and understand. A not so good one won't get it and will dismiss it. What works for me is to be open and honest. Have you tried that? Does it sound like something that would work for you?
Author PeachInGeorgia Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Thank you, Magnet. I know you can understand my dilemma. It is no fun. I am doing my best at the "open and honest" communication track. I have difficulty opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Who'da thunk it? My natural tendency (now anyway) is to become quiet whenever I'm feeling vulnerable. That in itself does tend to bother my partner. Sheesh, a quiet woman can bother a guy too? Ugh.
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