Walking away from a guy and looking back at him because you're attracted to him

March 29, 2011

I was wondering, do you women only do this if the guys back is turned to you so you know they wont see you?

Or do you still do this even if the guy is facing you?

March 30, 2011

Come on women, surely a lot of you know.

March 30, 2011

Ross, you seem to have very little ability to appreciate normal social interactions and wish to have them spelled out to you in a definite rule-based way. Have you considered that you might have Autism to some degree?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum

March 30, 2011

Yeah, I've thought about it.

I did talk to a counselor once, and I said maybe I have a mild form of Autism, but she said it wsn't true. So, who knows?

Edited March 30, 2011 by Ross PK

March 30, 2011

Ross, I wondered this same thing. If you google "Asperger's message boards" maybe you could get some advice.

If nothing else, maybe you could meet a cute aspie girl.

March 30, 2011

I don't think people are supposed to just automatically know the answers to these things though. I think they can only know if they've actually experienced these things happening.

And that's why I'm asking, because I've never experienced them, and I'm wondering is that because they don't actually happen, or is it because they do happen but just not to me because women aren't attracted to me.

So I don't think the fact I'm asking these questions has to mean I must be Autistic or have Aspergers.

March 30, 2011

No you're not autistic, you're too intelligent. Asperger's, I have worked with a bit and I would not be surprised, from your posts. Of course I am not trying to give that kind of advice over a message board though, only to suggest that you look into it.

These questions make sense to you, of course, you would not ask them otherwise. But other people just have more of an automatic understanding of people's body language and those kinds of things and they would not ask. JMHO.

To answer your question, I don't know but I also don't see how the girl would know which way the guy was facing without turning around and looking. Sometimes a girl might make deliberate eye contact or what him to see her turn around and look at him, as a hint to approach her. Sometimes she might just want a shy glance without him knowing because she enjoys looking at him. I don't think it's just one way on that. Also I think you are very nice and chatty and some girl would enjoy hanging out with you.

ETA: The thing is, Ross, if you do have some degree of Asperger's, the main way it shows up is just this kind of thing, social interaction. So it could very well be that girls have shown interest in you but you did not recognize it, so they assumed you were not interested.

Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve

March 30, 2011

No you're not autistic, you're too intelligent. Asperger's, I have worked with a bit and I would not be surprised, from your posts. Of course I am not trying to give that kind of advice over a message board though, only to suggest that you look into it.

These questions make sense to you, of course, you would not ask them otherwise. But other people just have more of an automatic understanding of people's body language and those kinds of things and they would not ask. JMHO.

To answer your question, I don't know but I also don't see how the girl would know which way the guy was facing without turning around and looking. Sometimes a girl might make deliberate eye contact or what him to see her turn around and look at him, as a hint to approach her. Sometimes she might just want a shy glance because she enjoys looking at him. I don't think it's just one way on that. Also I think you are very nice and chatty and some girl would enjoy hanging out with you.

ETA: The thing is, Ross, if you do have some degree of Asperger's, the main way it shows up is just this kind of thing, social interaction. So it could very well be that girls have shown interest in you but you did not recognize it, so they assumed you were not interested.

Maybe. But surely if I did have Aspergers I would never have always had plenty of friends. In fact I've always made friends really easily, it's just something that happens on it's own without me thinking about it.

I'm kind of worried now. Do you think you'd be able to tell whether I have Aspergers or not going off how I am in my Youtube videos? I don't show my face but I do talk in them.

I was actually going to PM you the link to my channel, but since you don't have PMing privileges yet I'll just post it here. http://www.youtube.com/user/RPKGameVids?feature=mhum

Edited March 30, 2011 by Ross PK

March 30, 2011

I don't think people are supposed to just automatically know the answers to these things though. I think they can only know if they've actually experienced these things happening.

What makes me think you may have autism (Aspergers is considered high functioning autism) is that you disconnect the experience, the feelings, and want to know how it is "supposed" to be. It comes across as though you are asking us to tell you how to feel. Personally, I think lots of men especially exhibit features of autism, especially those of us who end up in technical roles. I did, for a period.

For me, it came down to low self-esteem, poor role models and plain old bad luck. Once I started making an effort to stop putting it into words, and started acknowledging the feelings I was having, my life got better. It got scary too, because you're living in the moment, and you can't plan, re-run, the moment. But it's worth it.

And that's why I'm asking, because I've never experienced them, and I'm wondering is that because they don't actually happen, or is it because they do happen but just not to me because women aren't attracted to me.

Think of it like quantum physics: the act of observation interferes in what you're observing. By trying to analyse or comprehend the event, the event changes. Letting go of the need to understand tends to result in us being more spontaneous, and it is in that spontaneity that the magic happens. It's a rush.

Maybe it would help if you tried out something like yoga to get more familiar with living in the moment, leaving words behind and just "feeling" your feelings and letting your mind, your thoughts wander. The more you get used to being instead of monitoring, the more you'll enjoy life.

Or do a parachute jump and enjoy the sensation, the rush, the excitement, the sense of fear and doing it anyway. The more you get used to trusting in your feelings, the more you'll be a genuine person who lives in the present, and the more likely you'll enjoy your interactions with other people - men and women.

It's all about having faith in your feelings and learning to let go.

So I don't think the fact I'm asking these questions has to mean I must be Autistic or have Aspergers.

As said above, Aspergers is now seen to be high functioning autism. It's not necessarily a life long condition, and I prefer to see it as merely a descriptive term for a set of apparent thought patterns and behaviours, rather than a chronic illness!

March 30, 2011

I'm kind of worried now. Do you think you'd be able to tell whether I have Aspergers or not going off how I am in my Youtube videos? I don't show my face but I do talk in them.

Don't be worried, she's just an internet pseudo-therapeut.

March 30, 2011

Maybe. But surely if I did have Aspergers I would never have always had plenty of friends. In fact I've always made friends really easily, it's just something that happens on it's own without me thinking about it.

I'm kind of worried now. Do you think you'd be able to tell whether I have Aspergers or not going off how I am in my Youtube videos? I don't show my face but I do talk in them.

No, I couldn't tell much from it, except that maybe the content, computer games. but I must say you're not a bad looking guy so this problem with women is very suspect to me. I wouldn't worry though because if that's it then you can get help with the social cues. Again if so, you may just need a good friend or family member who can be trusted to cue you in on those kinds of things.

There is a current debate where many are saying Asperger's is not on the autism spectrum but is separate. To me it just seems like a way of perceiving the world that's a bit different and not necessarily a disability.

There are lots of checklists on the internet but you may want someone else to do them with you because some of it you may not recognize in yourself.

Not always, but just a few typical Asperger traits are:

1) Rule follower. Does not get into trouble, likes to do things corrrectly, be on time, keep things neat, etc.

2) Likes nonfiction, excellent memory, enjoys memorizing facts. Does not like nonfiction books, movies, plays, etc.

3) Can have special interests, maybe seen more in children. Like, an obsession (Star Wars, fire extinguishers, trains, desserts, measuring everything, etc.)

4) Often very sensitive to particular sensory stimuli such as noise, bright light. May sleep wrapped up tightly or do other things that have to do with touch differently.

5) Very good with concrete concepts. May be an engineer, computer guy. Not good with abstract concepts, would probably not be an English teacso her.

6) Likes to keep to his routines and does not like them to be interrupted. For example, if in a group that is going out for Chinese food and the group changes their minds and decides to go out for Italian instead, he may be very upset.

7) The biggie- social interaction. May not "get" things. May not realize he doesn't get them.

What caught my eye was your posts about social things, like the other poster. You seem like a smart guy so it seemed like you would have known them.

March 30, 2011

Don't be worried, she's just an internet pseudo-therapeut.

I believe I clearly stated that I had just worked with it a bit, but he is asking me and I am answering him. It's nothing you need to make rude comments on, turtle head.

Ross, there is a lot more on the internet on it.

Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve

March 30, 2011

I work with a guy who is very socially awkward when outside of his comfort zone (which is other geeks). He has a brilliant mind, is a very genuine and sincere guy, full of passion for his work, and one of the top ten people in the world involved in the particular programming language we specialise in where I work. He's known as "shoe guy" by the girls in customer services because he stares at his shoes when talking to them.

But he also has a (geeky) long term partner and a baby daughter. Granted, there aren't many female sys admins in the world, but if you do what you like doing and you express yourself well in the ways and things you enjoy, you tend to be more yourself and you are more likely to meet someone to share more of your life with. And if you don't then it's still a life well spent.

March 30, 2011

Another guy I know used to run dating courses for men. His tip was to make the noise of an animal as loud as you can just before going into a bar / pub / club. Just wake up the instinctive side of you.

Edited March 30, 2011 by betterdeal

March 30, 2011

No, I couldn't tell much from it, except that maybe the content, computer games. but I must say you're not a bad looking guy so this problem with women is very suspect to me. I wouldn't worry though because if that's it then you can get help with the social cues. Again if so, you may just need a good friend or family member who can be trusted to cue you in on those kinds of things.

There is a current debate where many are saying Asperger's is not on the autism spectrum but is separate. To me it just seems like a way of perceiving the world that's a bit different and not necessarily a disability.

There are lots of checklists on the internet but you may want someone else to do them with you because some of it you may not recognize in yourself.

Not always, but just a few typical Asperger traits are:

1) Rule follower. Does not get into trouble, likes to do things corrrectly, be on time, keep things neat, etc.

2) Likes nonfiction, excellent memory, enjoys memorizing facts. Does not like nonfiction books, movies, plays, etc.

3) Can have special interests, maybe seen more in children. Like, an obsession (Star Wars, fire extinguishers, trains, desserts, measuring everything, etc.)

4) Often very sensitive to particular sensory stimuli such as noise, bright light. May sleep wrapped up tightly or do other things that have to do with touch differently.

5) Very good with concrete concepts. May be an engineer, computer guy. Not good with abstract concepts, would probably not be an English teacso her.

6) Likes to keep to his routines and does not like them to be interrupted. For example, if in a group that is going out for Chinese food and the group changes their minds and decides to go out for Italian instead, he may be very upset.

7) The biggie- social interaction. May not "get" things. May not realize he doesn't get them.

What caught my eye was your posts about social things, like the other poster. You seem like a smart guy so it seemed like you would have known them.

I'm nothing like 1 to 6.

As for 7, well, this really feels like it doesn't apply to me either, but, I guess it could be possible that I don't get things and I'm just not aware of it. Who knows?

March 30, 2011

I believe I clearly stated that I had just worked with it a bit, but he is asking me and I am answering him. It's nothing you need to make rude comments on, turtle head.

Lol, just take no notice of him. I already have him on ignore.

Ross, there is a lot more on the internet on it.

I've done a couple of tests online, but they say it's unlikely I have it.

March 30, 2011

I work with a guy who is very socially awkward when outside of his comfort zone (which is other geeks). He has a brilliant mind, is a very genuine and sincere guy, full of passion for his work, and one of the top ten people in the world involved in the particular programming language we specialise in where I work. He's known as "shoe guy" by the girls in customer services because he stares at his shoes when talking to them.

But he also has a (geeky) long term partner and a baby daughter. Granted, there aren't many female sys admins in the world, but if you do what you like doing and you express yourself well in the ways and things you enjoy, you tend to be more yourself and you are more likely to meet someone to share more of your life with. And if you don't then it's still a life well spent.

Lol, I'm nothing like that. (No offense to the guy).

But you're right about doing what you like doing, and being yourself. You would be a lot more likely to meet someone who is like you/who you'd click with.

Edited March 30, 2011 by Ross PK

March 30, 2011

Lol, I'm nothing like that. (No offense to the guy).

No offence perceived. The point being that if he can have a successful relationship then so can you. You don't need to know everything, or be everything. If you want to know how it feels when a woman gives you a double-take, go out and try it, get their attention, give them a double take. If any more than 1 out of 100 women you do this with give you a double take, you've succeeded.

Or go and watch people. Grab a coffee, sit at the window, and watch people. See couples, see strangers, see how they interact, imagine how they feel. Make up imaginary story-lines for them. Occasionally you'll see two people connect, however briefly. Just enjoy watching, familiarising yourself with how different people interact.

Edited March 30, 2011 by betterdeal

March 30, 2011

No offence perceived. The point being that if he can have a successful relationship then so can you. You don't need to know everything, or be everything. If you want to know how it feels when a woman gives you a double-take, go out and try it, get their attention, give them a double take. If any more than 1 out of 100 women you do this with give you a double take, you've succeeded.

I'll try and start doing this, but it will take me a lot of guts though. (I can be quite socially anxious with certain situations, and I'm not exactly the most confident guy around)

March 30, 2011

I'll try and start doing this, but it will take me a lot of guts though. (I can be quite socially anxious with certain situations, and I'm not exactly the most confident guy around)

So all that means is it'll take a bit of time, a bit of practice. It's a bike, you're learning to ride it. I can tell you how I ride my bike, I can even show you how I ride my bike, but you need to get on yours and ride it. No doubt you'll scuff your knees once or twice, but you'll get it with a bit of practice.

March 30, 2011

@Oh okay Ross, I guess there is plenty of room for mix-up on a message board when all I see are a couple of posts that I don't quite understand.

On a different board I used to go to there was a guy who did not have a girlfriend until he was 37. Same way, he said girls didn't like him but then from his pic and posts it didn't make sense so I think it was a social thing like maybe he just didn't know how to approach them or whatever.

Anyway, they met online and finally got up their nerve to meet in person after a few months. It was long distance. He never left! They have been married for 12 years. She was a divorced teacher with a child and then they had one of their own. It was so nice to read his posts and how much he loved his wife. And after all she had been through she appreciated him back just as much.

I don't know if it was an online dating site or what though.

March 30, 2011

Damn, I've just realised something. If I'm standing side on and a woman walks past me, I'd easily notice out of the corner of my eye if she she looked back at me (I realised this when I was just out before and was standing side on to a woman who walked past).

Fact is I've never ever seen a woman do this before in my life (it's hardly likely that they have but by sheer coincidence every time it's happened I just happened to have my back to them and so therefore never saw them do it).

If only I could get proof somehow that at least one women, who has seen me in real life, was attracted to me. It feels like I'll never ever get this proof. I've been looking for it for about the last 12 years.

Edited March 30, 2011 by Ross PK

March 30, 2011

Ross if you want to see if you have Aspergers or Autism see a psychologist or therapist. If you have seen a therapist for a significant time in your life already... and they did not diagnose Asperters/autism then you most likely do not have autism.

I think the problem is as you have stated it. You have never had or never noticed a woman looking at you that way. I have.

In a sense you are like someone who's lived in the middle of the saraha without TV or any outside contact.... how would you know what snow looks like?

The short answer to your question is this. If a womans gaze lingers on you..if she looks away and looks back again... odds are she likes what she see's.

That look does not mean she's available or interest in a relationship. The only way to know that is to ask her.

Don't worry about the Autism thing. Only a trained professional in theraputic setting can diagnose that. (That's what utterer of lies was getting at.)

March 30, 2011

Hmm, proof! You're not getting it.

March 30, 2011

I understand that Mr. Lonely and I said so right at first. However, if there is anything another person and I wish to discuss back and forth then that is fine.

@Ross, maybe you would do better with the ladies online first if you are shy with them in person. You come across on here very well, imo. What if I started a thread on here for who wants to talk sweet with Ross?

Yes?

Edited March 30, 2011 by SummersEve

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